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JOHN KERRY BACK DEMANDING A CEASEFIRE IN GAZA BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT HE DOES

Jerusalem, Israel – When John Kerry first took the job of Secretary of State he went on a blitz across the world, trying to solve all the troubles in a few weeks. His first stop, the one that he focussed on the most, was the trouble in the Middle East, specifically the trouble between Israel and Palestine.

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MH17 VICTIMS FINALLY ON THEIR WAY HOME AFTER WORST POSSIBLE LAYOVER

 

WENDY’S ROLLS OUT TRIAL PROGRAM ALLOWING CUSTOMERS TO SLAUGHTER THEIR OWN COWS IN RESTAURANTS
REPORTS INDICATE JOHN BOEHNER FINDING HIMSELF LOST IN HIS MIRROR MORE AND MORE THESE DAYS
JOE BIDEN ADMITS HE IS HATE-WATCHING FINAL SEASON OF TRUE BLOOD
MICHIGAN A&W RESTAURANT EMPLOYEE FINALLY QUITS AFTER FINDING TERRIBLE MESS IN WASHROOM

NEWS

SOLDIERS KILLED IN UKRAINE WHICH IS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN YOU FIGHT IN A WAR

DUTCH EXPERTS EXAMINE MH17 CRASH VICTIMS TO DISCOVER EXACTLY WHAT THEY THOUGHT

UKRAINIAN REBEL FORCES TRY TO REGROUP OR SOMETHING AFTER FINALLY LOSING A WHOLE LOT

THE LAST TALKS ANYONE WILL EVER HAVE OVER IRANIAN NUCLEAR WEAPONS BEGIN IN VIENNA

NEWS

THOUSANDS ATTEND FUNERAL OF PALESTINIAN TEEN WHICH WILL SHOW THE ISRAELIS

PUTIN TELLS OBAMA HE JUST WANTS TO FEEL LIKE HE BELONGS

UN SAYS ISRAEL MAY HAVE COMMITTED WAR CRIMES IN GAZA BUT OF COURSE WILL NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT

UN WAITS UNTIL GAZA OFFENSIVE KILLS 500 BEFORE CALLING FOR CEASEFIRE

NEWS

IRAQI GOVERNMENT ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING PRETTY EFFECTIVE AGAINST INSURGENTS

UKRAINIAN REBELS READY TO ALLOW ACCESS TO SITE OF MH17 CRASH THEY PROBABLY CAUSED

SO A WHOLE LOT MORE DIE IN GAZA OFFENSIVE WHICH WAS TO BE EXPECTED

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CUP OF JOE
(NOW PLAYING)

MARSHAWN LYNCH NOT GOING TO PLAY UNLESS HE GETS A LOT MORE MONEY
NO ONE SURVIVED THAT ALGERIAN PLANE CRASH WHICH IS WHAT WE EXPECTED
A COUPLE PALESTINIANS KILLED IN WEST BANK RALLIES BUT THAT ISN’T MANY, REALLY
CANADA TO IMPOSE SANCTIONS ON RUSSIA AND THOSE GUYS LIKE EVERYONE
ISIL TAKES MILITARY BASE IN SYRIA AND SEEM VERY PROUD OF THEMSELVES
IRAQ GETS A NEW PRESIDENT WHICH COULD HELP THINGS THERE OR NOT HELP THEM AT ALL
UKRAINE PM RESIGNS BUT HE WASN’T IMPORTANT OR ANYTHING
THE UN SENDS AID TO SYRIA WHETHER THEY WANT IT OR NOT
ISRAEL DESTROYS UN SHELTER IN GAZA BUT LIKE WHATEVER MAN, IT WAS IN THE WAY
SEARCHERS FIND THE WRECKAGE OF THAT MISSING ALGERIAN PLANE AND IT SURE IS WRECKED
NOW THE ALGERIANS HAVE GONE AND LOST A PLANE
COSTA CONCORDIA TOWED AWAY FOR SCRAP SO WE NEVER NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THAT THING AGAIN
CHINA DECIDES TO JUST BLOCK OFF A CITY RATHER THAN ALLOW BUBONIC PLAGUE TO GO FREE