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BUSINESS
AFLAC TO LIMIT COVERAGE TO PEOPLE WITH NO CHANCE OF DYING
COCA-COLA AND PEPSI IN BATTLE OVER BOTTLED LUNAR WATER
MGM OWNERS MULLING SALE ON EBAY DEADLOCKED ON SHIPPING COSTS
TENANTS OUTRAGED AFTER PROPERTY MANAGEMENT COMPANY FORBIDES DEFECATING IN ELEVATORS
KELLOGG’S ADMITS RICE KRISPIES WILL NOT MAKE A PERSON IMMORTAL
SCIENTOLOGY SUCCESFULLY TRACKING DOWN DEFECTORS
SWISS SUICIDE TOURISM ABOUT TO BE KILLED
MICHAEL JACKSON NOT THE KING OF POSTHUMOUS EARNINGS
NORTHWEST AIRLINES TO INCLUDE RECLINERS, SOOTHING MUSIC IN COCKPITS
THOUSANDS SCAMMED BY SCAMMY OFFER
OVERWEIGHT RALPH LAUREN MODEL FIRED FOR BEING TOO FAT
DISNEY PONDERING LAWSUIT AGAINST COLORADO BALLOON BOY
DETROIT IGNORING CRIMES IN EFFORT TO IMPROVE ECONOMY
PETA TO OPEN SERIES OF SLAUGHTERHOUSES
AK-47 SALES PRIMED FOR A REBOUND AS ECONOMY IMPROVES
IMDB CONSIDERS FEES FOR CELEBRITY PROFILES
GENITAL MUTILATORS PROTEST SCANDANAVIAN EFFORTS TO CRACK DOWN ON TRADE
LAZY, STUPID PEOPLE STILL JOB HUNTING DESPITE ECONOMIC TURNAROUND
OVERWEIGHT CONCERT-GOERS THREATEN TO END CAREERS OF OLDER SINGERS
STUDY FINDS CELL PHONE USE INCREASES AMONGST WHITE TRASH
EMPLOYERS DIRTYING UP JOBS TO APPEAR ON HIT TELEVISION SHOW
U.S. EMBASSY TO RELEASE SERIES OF 'GUARDS GONE WILD' VIDEOS
PBS ENDS READING RAINBOW AFTER FINALLY GIVING UP ON TEACHING CHILDREN TO READ
BUSH SHOE THROWER BECOMES TOAST OF FASHION INDUSTRY
WITH ADVERTISERS LEAVING, GLENN BECK TO SEEK STIMULUS FUNDS
ECONOMISTS CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC AS MEXICO RAMPS UP CRYSTAL METH PRODUCTION
GM LOOKS TO EBAY, FLEA MARKETS IN TO SELL NEW CARS
CASH FOR CLUNKERS PROGRAM NETTING A LOT OF LEMONS
GROUP AIMS TO MAKE STONEHENGE MORE COMPELLING FOR VISITORS
CNN AND BBC FINALLY ON SPEAKING TERMS WITH ZIMBABWE
DATA SHOWS PROSTITUTE LAYOFFS STARTING TO EASE
COSTCO MEMBER THRIVING THROUGH ECONOMIC TURMOIL
FRITO-LAY SUED OVER IRREGULARLY SHAPED POTATO CHIPS
MCDONALD’S CONSIDERS ADDING SOYLENT GREEN TO MENU
RECESSION DOESN’T STOP NEW ISRAELI HOUSING SETTLEMENTS
MIMES SILENTLY SUFFERING THROUGH RECESSION
DOMINO'S SUED OVER POORLY SLICED PIZZA
CNN MAKES PLANS TO BECOME ‘THE MJ’
PUBLISHER PREPS ANNE FRANK SEQUEL
OBESE PASSENGERS A GROWING PROBLEM FOR LIGHTWEIGHT AIRLINES
CALIFORNIA IOU’S NOT WORTH THE PAPER THEY ARE PRINTED ON
HOOTERS SUED OVER LACK OF MALE SERVERS
VINCE SHLOMI SOUGHT IN BILLY MAYS DEATH
HEATWAVE STRIPS T-SHIRT MANUFACTURERS OF REVENUE
MYSPACE LAYS OFF 30 PERCENT OF STAFF, USERS
NEW GM CHAIRMAN GETS A LEG UP ON EMPLOYEES BY KNOWING NOTHING ABOUT CARS
U.K. FILE SHARING CLOSING IN ON THE $20 BILLION MARK
BANKRUPT GM STILL HESITANT TO MAKE CARS PEOPLE WANT TO DRIVE
COCAINE INDUSTRY PLUNGES TO ALL TIME LOWS
GENERATION Z CONCERNED OVER NAME OF NEXT GENERATION
WWE LOOKING TO HARNESS SCIENCE TO CREATE ULTIMATE WARRIOR
NAZI HUNTERS FEAR DEMJANJUK CASE COULD MARK END OF THE LINE
NEWSPAPERS PIONEERING USE OF SELF-DESTRUCTING PAPER
OUT OF SHAPE PRIVACY ADVOCATES PROTESTING BODY IMAGING CAMERAS
NUCLEAR WEAPON INDUSTRY EXPECTED TO EXPLODE IN COMING YEARS
COURTS CRACKING DOWN ON INDEPENDENT BODY SELLERS
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN PUTS U.S. GENERAL ON BREAD LINE
SEC INVESTIGATING KFC OVER GRILLED CHICKEN
TOP DESIGNERS RUSHING LUXURY SURGICAL MASKS TO MARKET
PONTIAC’S DEMISE SENDS U.S. CITIES FLEEING IN FEAR
BRITAIN’S SUPER RICH DOWN IN THE DUMPS ABOUT ECONOMIC CRISIS
SWINE FLU REPORTING REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS
BRONX ZOO LAYOFFS ADD NEW SPECIES TO ECONOMIC WOES
GM WORKERS MAKING BIG PLANS FOR EXTENDED SUMMER VACATION
CHICAGO PILOT PROJECT ALLOWS PARAMEDICS TO WORK FROM HOME
PEDOPHILES WATCHING SLUMDOG STAR SALE INTENTLY
CONTINENTAL AIRLINES TO FINALLY PROHIBIT URINATING ON PASSENGERS
QUITTER WAGONER HAPPY TO LEAVING GM
SHAMWOW PITCHMAN SHAMPOWS PROSTITUTES FACE
BERNIE MADOFF UNABLE TO OFFER HOUSE TOURS, YACHT RIDES
LACK OF STIMULUS LEAVES CONDOM MANUFACTURERS LIMP
DEATH A GROWTH INDUSTRY AS ECONOMY CALLS IT CURTAINS
AIG BONUS PLAN PROMPTS FLOOD OF JOB APPLICANTS
THE ONION CUTTING BACK ON SATIRE, HUMOUR, RELEVANCE
PEDOPHILES DISAPPOINTED AS FBI CRACKS DOWN ON CHILD PROSTITUTES
NEW YORK TIMES NO LONGER FIT TO PRINT
PORN INDUSTRY NOT STIMULATED WITH LATEST PACKAGE AS ECONOMY STAYS LIMP
DONALD TRUMP TO RESIGN FROM BEING RICH
TARP INITIATIVE TO FOCUS ON ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS EMIGRATING FROM THE UNITED STATES
DETROIT SURPRISES WORLD AT AUTO SHOW WITH CARS, VISITORS
WAL-MART TRIES TO COVER UP BLACK FRIDAY DEATH WITH INEXPENSIVE FLOOR MATS
BALLY TOTAL FITNESS FILES FOR BANKRUPTCY AS PEOPLE BEGIN EATING LESS
HALLMARK TO INTRODUCE LINE OF INCEST GREETING CARDS
HERSHEY CONDUCTS STUDY TO SHOW THAT CHOCOLATE IS NOT FATTENING
CLIMATE DOWNTURN FORCES WEATHER CHANNEL TO LAY OFF STAFF
FORD TO BEGIN PRODUCTION ON PINK SLIP MACHINES
SPAM SALES UP; CANNIBALISM AVOIDED FOR NOW
CABLE NETWORKS JOIN FORCES FOR POLITICAL ANALYST CHARITY
KOOL-AID PLANS CELEBRATIONS FOR THIRTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF JONESTOWN MASSACRE
ECONOMIC DOWNTURN FORCES WEAPONS MANUFACTURERS TO PRODUCE LESS EFFECTIVE BULLETS
PLANTERS TO PRODUCE PEANUT FREE PEANUTS
MCDONALDS UK TO INTRODUCE CUCUMBER SANDWICH COMBO TO MENU
VIVID TO PRODUCE FILM BASED ON THE LIFE OF ANNE FRANK
YAHOO ANNOUNCES MASSIVE JOB CUTS, EMPLOYEES LEFT OUT TO YANG
JP MORGAN CHASE TO PURSUE FORELOSURE ON BIN LADEN CAVE
WALL STREET BAILOUTS CONTINUE, GIGGLING HEARD FROM STALIN’S TOMB
MORTGAGE LENDERS LOOKING FOR NEW VENDORS
CHINA OFFERS TO BUY HALF OF UNITED STATES IN WAKE OF ECONOMIC TURMOIL
VIVIENNE WESTWOOD, STELLA MCCARTNEY AMONG DESIGNERS SEEKING END TO HOMEMADE CLOTHES
PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGNS BEING BLAMED FOR MORTGAGE CRISIS
FOX NEWS TO COMBAT PERCEPTION OF BIAS, VOWS TRUTH IS PRIORITY
AARP SUED FOR AGE DISCRIMINATION
MILEY CYRUS TO MAKE A SPLASH IN TEEN PLAYBOY
APPLE ADOPTS NEW MASCOT, NINTENDO PARTNERSHIP INEVITABLE?
CNN LOOKING FOR FRESH DECAPITATION STORIES
PETA PETITIONS FOR FERTILIZER PROFITS
HOWARD STERN TO BE PAID IN MONOPOLY MONEY AFTER SIRIUS XM MERGER
MAN ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE IS ALLEGED FACEBOOK STALKER
GLOW IN THE DARK TECHNOLOGY FALLS ON HARD TIMES
MORTGAGE RATES DIP FOR THE HOMELESS
KFC FILES FOR COPYRIGHT ON WORD "CHICKEN"
KFC OFFICIALS CALL FOR BAN ON CHICKEN FRIED STEAK
KFC SUED BY CHICKEN FRIED STEAK CONSORTIUM
BUILDING LARGER CHAIRS BECOMES GROWTH INDUSTRY
MCDONALDS SUED OVER FAT CONTENT IN AIR
MICROSOFT MULLS NAME CHANGE TO MEGAHARD
PENNYSAVER LAUNCHES ATTACK ON ANTI PENNY ADVOCATES
SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS COMPLAIN; WAL-MART NOT DOING ENOUGH TO RUIN OUR LIVELIHOOD
INVESTING IN THE PAST MAKES NO MONEY
DRUDGE GETS NEW HAT, WEBSITE STILL LOOKS THE SAME
STAPLES DOWNSIZING STAPLE DEPARTMENT
DYSLEXIC WOMAN SUES STARBUCKS OVER WARNING ON COFFEE CUP
WILL IT BLEND? HOST BREATHES SMOKE, BLENDS HAND
EX-GM EMPLOYEES START FUND FOR DISGRACED EX-EXECUTIVE
BEST BUY SALES DIP DUE TO LACK OF “SHINY-NESS”