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SCRAPE TV NEWS STAFF

Editor-in-Chief
Dave Dalkin
Business
William Ashford
Health
Lauren Hebert
U.S.A.
Mike Michaels
Everyone Else
Emil Uliya
Science
Anna Phillips
Sports
Alexi Orton
Videogames
Douglas Havermore
Politics
Edward Bastil
Entertainment
Samantha Dryden
Technology
Martin Philton


 

 


 

 

 

EVERYONE ELSE

PAGE 2

YEP, IT’S PRETTY BAD IN THE PHILIPPINES ABOUT NOW

APPARENTLY TWAS IRAN THAT STRUCK DOWN THE DEAL WITH THE WEST

EGYPT TURNING TO THE RUSSIANS SINCE THEY AREN’T GETTING WHAT THEY WANT FROM THE AMERICANS ANYMORE

IRANIAN PRESIDENT URGES THE WORLD TO NOT MISS CHANCE TO NOT HAVE THEM BLOW EVERYONE UP

LOOKS LIKE THERE WILL NEVER BE A DEAL WITH IRAN AND THE NUKES EVER AFTER ALL

POLICE IN PHILIPPINES FEAR MORE THAN 10,000 DEAD IN TYPHOON BUT NOT LIKE FEAR OF GHOSTS, JUST THAT IT WOULD BE BAD

OBVIOUSLY IT IS ISRAEL PALESTINIANS ARE BLAMING FOR ARAFAT’S DEATH NOW THAT IT IS MURDER AND ALL

HUNDREDS, PERHAPS THOUSANDS, DEAD IN PHILIPPINES TYPHOON WHICH IS BAD ANY WAY YOU LOOK AT IT

NO DEAL WITH IRAN ON NUKE THING QUITE YET SO DON’T GET TOO EXCITED

PLO OFFICIALS OBVIOUSLY CALL FOR AN INQUIRY INTO ARAFAT DEATH

IRAN NOW DEMANDING THE RIGHT TO EXPAND NUCLEAR PROGRAM WHICH IS NOT HOW THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK

WELL NETANYAHU IS NOT HAPPY WITH THE DEAL WITH IRAN BUT THEN HE WOULDN’T BE

YASSER ARAFAT MAY HAVE BEEN POISONED, MAYBE NOT, BUT PROBABLY

JAPAN TO REMOVE FUKUSHIMA FUEL RODS, THE NUCLEAR ONES, THE ONES THAT HAVE CAUSED ALL THIS TROUBLE

SAUDI ARABIA RE-UPS ORDER FROM PAKISTAN FOR NUCLEAR WEAPONS BUT KEEPS IT ON HOLD FOR NOW

IRAN THINKS A NUKE DEAL CAN BE FINISHED AND EVERYONE WILL BE ABLE TO GO HOME THIS WEEK

PEACE CONFERENCE FOR SYRIA DELAYED BECAUSE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WANTS TO ATTEND

ISRAEL JUST DECIDES FOR EVERYONE WHAT THE BORDER WITH PALESTINE WILL BE

THE UN SAYS MILLIONS MORE SYRIANS STILL NEED AID, WAH WAH

PAKISTANI PM STILL REALLY UPSET THE U.S. KILLED HIS BUDDY THE TALIBAN LEADER

WELL OBVIOUSLY SYRIA IS GOING TO MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT THE U.S. AND PEACE AND ALL THAT STUFF

KERRY SAYS EGYPT IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO THE U.S., SO, SO IMPORTANT

MOHAMMED MORSI PRETTY DEFIANT FOR A GUY STUCK IN JAIL

HEAD OF EGYPTIAN ARMY BELIEVES HE AND ALL HIS PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING THEY WANT

DESPITE TALKS, IRAN ASSURES THE PEOPLE IT IS STILL FULLY DEDICATED TO THE DEATH OF AMERICA

PAKISTAN NOW ANGRY THAT THE U.S. KILLED TALIBAN LEADER, WEIRD

UN NEGOTIATOR FOR SYRIA SAYS NO REBELS, NO LOVE, AND NO PEACE, MAINLY NO PEACE

DRONE KILLS PAKISTANI TALIBAN LEADER ENDING TERRORISM ONCE AND FOR ALL

ISRAEL AND PALESTINE START ALL THEIR FUSSING AND FEUDING IN GAZA AGAIN

WELL OBVIOUSLY ROB FORD HAS NO REASON TO RESIGN, IT IS ONLY CRACK AFTER ALL

AYATOLLAH KHAMENEI APPARENTLY IN BAD HEALTH OR IN FANTASTIC HEALTH DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU LIVE

ASSAD SAYS FOREIGN POWERS MUST END SUPPORT OF REBELS FOR PEACE TO HAPPEN, AND THAT AIN’T GOING TO HAPPEN

BASICALLY NO ONE CAN AGREE ON ANYTHING SO NO PEACE SYRIA, SORRY ABOUT YOUR LUCK

JUDGES IN MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD TRIAL QUIT IN ORDER TO AVOID BEING MURDERED OR SOMETHING

SYRIA DISMISSES DEPUTY PM AFTER HE HAS THE GALL TO SPEAK TO THE AMERICANS

GREECE SAYS IT DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE AUSTERITY WON’T TAKE ANY MORE AUSTERITY, THAT’S WHAT THEY SAY

SYRIA STAYS ON TARGET WITH DESTRUCTION OF WEAPONS WHICH IS GREAT A MONTH IN

IRAN READY TO RETURN TO SELLING OIL IF ANYONE WANTS TO BUY

ISRAEL TO RELEASE MORE PALESTINIAN PRISONERS WHETHER ANYONE LIKES IT OR NOT

SOME OF THE SYRIAN REBELS REJECT GENEVA TALKS BUT NO ONE IS SURE THEY ARE THE ONES THAT MATTER

UN NEGOTIATOR BRAHIMI URGES IRAN TO SHOW UP AT GENEVA CONFERENCE WHEN HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE DEALING WITH SYRIA

ISRAEL JUST DIMISSES IRANIAN NUCLEAR PROPOSAL WITHOUT EVEN LISTENING TO IT

PRINCE CHARLES DENIES NOT WANTING TO BE KING SINCE HE KIND OF HAS TO DO IT

ISRAEL ISSUES YET ANOTHER WARNING ON IRANIAN NUCLEAR BOMB LIKE WE HAVEN’T ALL HEARD THAT BEFORE

ANGELA MERKEL NOW WANTS EVERYONE TO STOP SPYING ON EACH OTHER IT SEEMS

MALI GETS EVERYONE ELSE TO DO THEIR JOB AGAIN SINCE CLEARLY THEY ARE INCAPABLE

ISRAEL GETTING READY TO BUILD MORE SETTLEMENTS BECAUSE HECK, WHY NOT

NORTH KOREA RELEASES SIX PRISONERS AND SENDS THEM HOME SO SEE THEY AREN’T SO BAD AFTER ALL

U.S. AND ISRAEL ADMIT THEY HAVE A FEW DIFFERENCES IN RESPECT TO IRAN

PAKISTANI PRIME MINISTER ASKS OBAMA TO STOP DRONE STRIKES AND OBAMA SAYS HE’LL THINK ABOUT IT

ANGELA MERKEL A LITTLE CONCERNED U.S. INTELLIGENCE WAS TAPPING HER PHONE BUT SHE WASN’T DOING ANYTHING IMPORTANT ON IT

EU READY TO START TALKING SERIOUS TURKEY ABOUT TURKEY ENTERING

AUSTRALIAN WILDFIRES CAUSE THOUSANDS OF COWARDS TO FLEE

SYRIAN OPPOSITION DETAILS DEMANDS FOR TALKS INCLUDING THE DEATH OF BASHAR ASSAD

SAUDI ARABIA KIND OF SEVERS TIES WITH THE U.S. BUT COME ON

AFGHANISTAN STILL MAKING A BIG DEAL ABOUT SECURITY PACT NOT REALIZING THE WORLD DOESN’T CARE ABOUT AFGHANISTAN

CHINA DEFENDS HUMAN RIGHTS RECORD WITH UN LIKE THE UN IS STUPID OR SOMETHING

BASHAR ASSAD CASTS DOUBT OVER PEACE CONFERENCE WHICH OBVIOUSLY MEANS HE ISN’T GOING TO TRY

CAMERAS SHOW SOLDIERS IN KENYAN MALL MASSACRE LOOTING STORES WHICH IS REALLY THE LEAST WORST THING THAT HAPPENED

AUSTRALIAN BUSHFIRES READY TO MERGE INTO THE SUPERGROUP OF BUSHFIRES

FRANCE REAL, REAL ANGRY OVER U.S. SPYING CLAIMS BUT IT IS ONLY FRANCE

SUICIDE BOMBER KILLS 31 PEOPLE IN SYRIA OF ALL PLACES

RIOT POLICE DO WHAT THEY DO IN EGYPT AFTER PEOPLE DARE TO SPEAK THEIR MINDS

DATE SET FOR SYRIAN PEACE TALKS BUT JUST, LIKE, PENCILED IN

FRANCE ALLOWS THAT TROUBLESOME GYPSY GIRL BACK INTO THE COUNTRY AFTER SHE CAUSED SO MUCH TROUBLE

THE U.S. URGES SYRIAN GOVERNMENT TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO EAT SINCE PEOPLE DO NEED TO EAT

SYRIAN REBELS KILL A TOP MAN IN THE SYRIAN ARMY, A TOP MAN AND THOROUGH

CANADA AND EUROPE JUST SHUT OUT THE UNITED STATES IN NEWEST TRADE DEAL

MALI NOW NEEDS EVEN MORE TROOPS THAN WE HAVE ALREADY GIVEN THEM

IRAN HINTS THAT IT MAY BE WILLING TO MAKE EVEN MORE CONCESSIONS THAN IT HAS ALREADY MADE

SYRIA PLANNING PEACE TALKS FOR LATE NOVEMBER OR SOMEWHERE AROUND THAT TIME

NETANYAHU MAKES CASE FOR STRIKING IRAN EVEN WHILE EVERYONE IS SITTING AROUND TALKING THINGS OUT

EVERYONE SEEMS TO LIKE THE PROPOSALS IRAN HAS COME UP WITH BUT THEY ARE STILL GOING TO TALK

BASHAR ASSAD WANTS HIS CUT OF NOBEL PRIZE SINCE IT COULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED WITHOUT HIM

EVERYONE KIND OF GIDDY AS IRANIAN NUCLEAR TALKS BEGIN IN GENEVA

POLICE BELIEVE THEY HAVE SOLVED MADELEINE MCCANN CASE IF THEY CAN FIND MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE THEY THINK HE LOOKS LIKE

THE SWISS SAY YASSER ARAFAT WAS MURDERED AND THAT SHOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE

UN OFFICIALS AGAIN ASK FOR SYRIA TO JUST STOP ALL THE FUSSING AND THE FEUDING WHILE THEY DESTROY CHEMICAL WEAPONS

DAMAGE FROM CYCLONE PHAILIN SEEMS TO NOT BE ALL THAT BAD AS IT TURNS OUT

AFRICAN UNION OFFICIALS WANT THE ICC TO DROP ALL THEIR CASES AGAINST STATE LEADERS FOR REASONS THAT MAKE NO REAL SENSE

CYCLONE PHAILIN BASICALLY GOING TO DESTROY INDIA OR SOMETHING

REBELS IN SYRIA NOW JUST KILLING CIVILIANS WHICH WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN

CHEMICAL WEAPONS EXPERTS GIVEN NOBEL PEACE PRIZE BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL THE RAGE RIGHT NOW

IRAN INTERESTED IN SUPPLYING WEST WITH URANIUM NOW THAT IT HAS MORE THAN IT NEEDS

UN CHEMICAL WEAPONS TEAM ASKS FOR TRUCE WHILE THEY DO THEIR WORK BECAUSE THEY HAVEN’T BEEN READING THE NEWS

EGYPTIAN MILITARY NOT AT ALL HAPPY WITH SUSPENSION OF U.S. AID BUT THAT WAS TO BE EXPECTED

NICOLAS MADURO ASKS FOR TOTAL CONTROL OF VENEZUELA DESPITE BARELY HAVING WON THE ELECTION

U.S. TO SUSPEND EGYPTIAN MILITARY AID NOW AFTER IT ALMOST DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE

ISRAELIS AND PALESTINIANS MEET DESPITE STILL BEING A LITTLE SCEPTICAL OF ONE ANOTHER

IRAN INSISTS ON RIGHT TO ENRICH AS MUCH URANIUM AS THEY WANT FROM NOW UNTIL THE END OF THE WORLD WHENEVER THAT IS

IRAN FIELDING OFFERS FROM ALL THE WORLD POWERS BEFORE THEY START TO TALK WITH ANYONE

BASHAR ASSAD SAYS GERMANY WOULD BE THE IDEAL PEACE MEDIATOR WITHOUT EVEN ASKING THEM

REMOVAL OF SYRIAN CHEMICAL ARMS BEGINS AND GOES FINE AT LEAST ON THE FIRST DAY

BASHAR ASSAD THREATENS TURKEY NOW THAT HE NO LONGER HAS TO WORRY ABOUT REPRECUSSIONS

KHAMENEI BACKS EVERYTHING ROUHANI DID LAST WEEK WHICH MAKES SENSE SINCE HE TOLD HIM TO DO IT

ITALIAN OFFICIALS HOPING TO FIND AT LEAST SOME OF THE 300 PEOPLE WHO DIED IN THAT BOAT SINKING

NETANYAHU INSISTS HIS THREATS ARE REALLY ONLY FOR THE GOOD OF THE IRANIAN PEOPLE

THE UN THINKS SYRIA SUDDENLY CARES ABOUT HUMANS NOW WHICH IS WEIRD

ROUHANI THINKS ISRAEL IS JUST JEALOUS AMERICA HAS A NEW BFF NOW

NETANYAHU SAYS A WHOLE LOT OF VERY NASTY THINGS ABOUT IRAN DESPITE IRAN NOT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT THEM RECENTLY

SYRIAN FOREIGN MINISTER DEFENDS HIS COUNTRY AT THE UN BECAUSE HE KIND OF HAS TO

DISARMAMENT EXPERTS ARRIVE IN SYRIA SO GOOD LUCK THERE GUYS

INDIA AND PAKISTAN AGREE THE VIOLENCE IN KASHMIR IS A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL

UN SECURITY COUNCIL HOPING TO AGREE ON A LITTLE AID FOR SYRIANS WHILE THE IRON IS HOT

KENYAN CABINET WAS WARNED OF ATTACK BUT IT REALLY WAS BETTER THE WAY IT HAPPENED

BOMBS KILL A BUNCH OF PEOPLE IN PAKISTAN, BOMBS SET BY PEOPLE, BAD PEOPLE

NETANYAHU TO SAY A BUNCH OF NASTY THINGS ABOUT IRAN EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING SEEMED TO BE GOING SO WELL

IRANIAN PRESIDENT NOT ASSASSINATED IN FIRST FEW HOURS BACK HOME

OBAMA AND ROUHANI SPEAK AND DECIDE THEY GOT THIS NUCLEAR THING ABOUT SOLVED

EVERYONE AGREES ON SYRIAN RESOLUTION WHICH WAS EASY SINCE IT BARELY SAYS ANYTHING AT ALL

IRAN URGED TO JUST ACCEPT WHATEVER NUCLEAR OFFER THEY ARE GIVEN

NEW SYRIAN CHEMICAL WEAPONS ATTACKS PROBED OUT OF MORBID CURIOSITY

THE U.S. AND RUSSIA AGREE ON SYRIAN WEAPONS RESOLUTION BUT OF COURSE ON LITTLE ELSE

FIGHTING IN SYRIA DOESN’T JUST END WHEN UN WEAPONS INSPECTORS ENTER

IRAN WANTS NUCLEAR DEAL IN MONTHS OR NOT AT ALL

IRANIAN PRESIDENT ADMITS THE HOLOCAUST HAPPENED AND FEELS KIND OF BAD THAT IT DID

ISLAMIST REBELS IN SYRIA REJECT THE NATIONAL COALITION AND UNITY AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF

PAKISTAN STILL ALL SHOOK UP FOLLOWING MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE

RUSSIA SAYS IT IS HOPING FOR UN RESOLUTION ON SYRIA THAT SAYS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT

KENYAN FORCES MORE OR LESS END MALL SIEGE ALLOWING PEOPLE TO GET BACK TO SHOPPING

IRAN READY TO HOLD PROPER NUCLEAR TALKS AT UN MEETING EVEN IF THEY DON’T PLAN FOR THEM TO GO ANYWHERE

IRAN AND SYRIA TO DOMINATE UN ASSEMBLY BECAUSE THEY ARE SOOOO IMPORTANT

NETANYAHU SAYS ANY DEAL WITH IRAN IS A TRAP BECAUSE HE REALLY, REALLY WANTS WAR

BASHAR ASSAD WARNS WEST THAT HE MAY BLAME REBELS FOR INTERFERING WITH CHEMICAL WEAPONS REMOVAL

EGYPT BANS MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD BECAUSE THEY JUST CANNOT BEHAVE THEMSELVES

RUSSIA OFFERS TROOPS TO HELP REMOVE OR HIDE OR WHATEVER SYRIAN CHEMICAL ARMS

IRAN INSISTS ON KEEPING SOME NUCLEAR TECHNOLOGY IF THE WORLD WANTS THEM TO NOT CREATE BOMBS

CHINESE POLITICIAN BO XILAI ONLY GETS LIFE IN PRISON WHICH ISN’T BAD FOR CHINA

ISLAMIST GUNMEN STILL HOLED UP IN NAIROBI MALL DESPITE HAVING KILLED 59 PEOPLE ALREADY

PAKISTAN FREES TOP TALIBAN LEADER BECAUSE THEY AREN’T A THREAT ANYMORE OR ANYTHING

SHOPPERS IN KENYA HAVE A TERRIBLE DAY AT THE MALL WITH MASS SHOOTING

MOST OF ASIA ABOUT TO BE TOTALLY DESTROYED BY MASSIVE TYPHOON FOR WHATEVER THAT’S WORTH

SYRIA SUBMITS SOME BUT NOT ALL OF THE REQUESTED CHEMICAL WEAPONS DATA

NEW IRANIAN PRESIDENT SUSPICIOUSLY SAYS THINGS THAT SOUND TOTALLY SENSIBLE AND RATIONAL

SYRIAN OFFICIALS ADMIT THEY CAN’T WIN THE WAR AND HAVE NO INTENTION OF LETTING THE REBELS WIN EITHER

IRAN SAYS IT WILL NEVER CREATE NUCLEAR WEAPONS SO PLEASE JUST STOP ASKING

PUTIN NOT REALLY SURE SYRIA WILL GIVE UP ALL CHEMICAL WEAPONS BUT WOULD PREFER THAT

BASHAR ASSAD READYING AN INVOICE FOR DESTROYING HIS CHEMICAL WEAPONS

SECURITY FORCES IN EGYPT STILL HAVING TROUBLE WITH THESE MORSI PEOPLE

RUSSIA SAYS THERE IS NO PROOF ASSAD WAS BEHIND CHEMICAL ATTACKS BUT OF COURSE THERE IS NO PROOF HE WASN’T EITHER

FRANCE AND RUSSIA ADMIT DIFFERENCES ON SYRIAN ATTACK LIKE IT WAS A SECRET OR SOMETHING

SYRIA CELEBRATES ARMS DEAL BY KILLING A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE

THE UN EYEING STRONGLY WORDED RESOLUTION ABOUT SYRIA WHICH WILL NEVER PASS

JAPAN CLOSES LAST ACTIVE NUCLEAR REACTOR AND MAY NOT BOTHER EVER AGAIN

SYRIA GIVEN A WEEK TO DECLARE CHEMICAL WEAPONS BUT WILL PROBABLY DELAY OR JUST NOT DO IT

SYRIA HAILS CHEMICAL WEAPONS DEAL BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN THEY WILL FOLLOW THROUGH OR ANYTHING

GOVERNMENT TROOPS AND REBELS RESUME FIGHTING IN THE PHILIPPINES OVER SOMETHING APPARENTLY IMPORTANT TO THEM

UN CHIEF SLAMS BASHAR ASSAD FOR CHEMICAL ATTACK LIKE THAT MATTERS ONE LITTLE BIT

THE U.S. AND RUSSIA TELL SYRIA EXACTLY HOW THIS THING IS GOING TO GO

INDIAN COURT SENTENCES GANG RAPISTS TO DEATH THOUGH IN A FAR MORE CIVIL MANNER THAN THEY USED

JOHN KERRY SAYS SYRIAN CHEMICAL WEAPONS TALKS WERE CONSTRUCTIVE BUT IT’S ONLY THE FIRST DAY

UN REPORT WILL DIRECTLY LINK ASSAD TO CHEMICAL ATTACKS LIKE THAT IS NEWS

THE U.S. AND RUSSIA MEET TO DISCUSS JUST HOW ALL THESE SYRIAN WEAPONS WILL BE DESTROYED

BASHAR ASSAD CONFIRMS DEAL FOR CHEMICAL WEAPONS LIKE PEOPLE WERE JUST WAITING TO HEAR WHAT HE WOULD SAY

RUSSIA READY TO SEND FRESH ARMS TO IRAN BECAUSE RUSSIA JUST DON’T CARE YO

THE UN STARTS TALKING TO SYRIA ABOUT CHEMICAL WEAPONS PLAN DESPITE HOW ALL THEIR TALKS WITH SYRIA HAVE GONE BEFORE

REBELS NOT HAPPY WITH REMOVING SYRIAN CHEMICAL WEAPONS BECAUSE IT DOESN’T REALLY HELP THEM ANY

FRANCE READY TO PARTICIPATE IN SYRIAN CHEMICAL WEAPON DESTRUCTION, WHATEVER EVERYONE WANTS REALLY

SYRIA ALL GOOD WITH DESTROYING CHEMICAL WEAPONS SO LONG AS THEY CAN KEEP ALL THEIR OTHER ONES

ASSAD SAYS THE U.S. SHOULD EXPECT RETALIATION IF THEY ATTACK WHICH THEY PROBABLY ARE, HAVE PLANNED FOR EVEN

BASHAR ASSAD SAYS HE HAS FOUND NO EVIDENCE OF CHEMICAL ATTACKS SO THAT SHOULD BE THAT

BOTH THE U.S. AND FRANCE TELLING EVERYONE THEY CAN THAT THEIR BUDDIES ARE JOINING IN ON SYRIAN STRIKES

NATO AIRSTRIKES KILL CIVILIANS IN AFGHANISTAN WHICH IS WHAT THESE THINGS TEND TO DO

EU OFFICIALS AGREE THAT ASSAD LAUNCHED CHEMICAL WEAPONS ATTACK AND WOULD LIKE THE U.S. TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT

U.S. AND RUSSIA NO CLOSER ON SYRIA WHICH MAKES SENSE SINCE THEY ARE ON ENTIRELY OPPOSITE SIDES

UN CHIEF WARNS OBAMA ABOUT ATTACKS ON SYRIA SO CLEARLY THEY CAN’T DEPEND ON THEM FOR HELP

IRAN PROBABLY GOES A TAD TOO FAR WITH THREATS OVER SYRIAN STRIKES

RUSSIA THREATENS WORLD WITH NUCLEAR APOCAYPSE IF THE U.S. ATTACKS SYRIA

TURNS OUT THE SYRIAN REBELS AREN’T VERY GOOD GUYS EITHER, WHO KNEW

OH SNAP, PUTIN CALLS JOHN KERRY A LIAR OVER SYRIAN CONFLICT

RUSSIA WARNS U.S. ABOUT SYRIAN ACTION BUT OF COURSE WON’T REALLY DO ANYTHING

OBAMA SAYS THE CREDIBILITY OF THE ENTIRE WORLD, ASIDE FROM THE U.S. OF COURSE, IS ON THE LINE OVER SYRIA

JAPAN VOWS TO FREEZE THE EARTH TO THE CORE IN ORDER TO PREVENT ANY FURTHER FUKUSHIMA LEAKS

THE FRENCH TOTALLY CONVINCED THAT ASSAD WAS BEHIND CHEMICAL ATTACK AND THAT’S ALL ANYONE SHOULD NEED

BRITAIN NOT WILLING TO EVEN CONSIDER A STRIKE ON SYRIA NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO

ISRAEL AND THE U.S. CONDUCT MISSILE TEST WITH EVERYTHING GOING ON AND ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL AND EVERYTHING

JAPANESE GOVERNMENT RELUCTANTLY TAKES AN ACTIVE ROLE IN FUKUSHIMA CLEAN UP

THE ARAB LEAGUE COMPLETELY SUPPORTING TAKING BASHAR ASSAD OUT SO THAT’S SOMETHING

SYRIA ASKS THE UNITED NATIONS TO PROTECT THEM FROM THE UNITED STATES BECAUSE THEY ARE SCARED

FUKUSHIMA RADIATION ACTUALLY WAY, WAY WORSE THAN ANYONE THOUGHT POSSIBLE

THE U.S. APPARENTLY HAD INTELLIGENCE ON CHEMICALS BEFORE SYRIAN ATTACK SO MAYBE THEY SHOULD STRIKE THEMSELVES

REBELS READY TO DO SOMETHING IF THE U.S. EVER DOES ANYTHING AGAINST SYRIAN REGIME

PUTIN DEMANDS PROOF OF SYRIAN ATTACK DESPITE NO ONE ASKING FOR HIS APPROVAL OR ANYTHING

UN WEAPONS INSPECTORS PRETTY DARN HAPPY TO BE OUT OF SYRIA WITH WHAT IS PROBABLY COMING

SYRIA MOVES EQUIPMENT BECAUSE THEY AT LEAST BELIEVE THE UNITED STATES WILL EVENTUALLY STRIKE

THE U.K. REALLY IS SCARED LIKE A BIG CHICKEN OF SYRIA AND BASHAR ASSAD AS IT TURNS OUT

DAVID CAMERON AND ALL THE BRITISH BACK DOWN FROM A FIGHT IN SYRIA AS SHOULD HAVE BEEN EXPECTED

IRAN THREATENS ISRAEL OVER POTENTIAL SYRIAN STRIKES OR BECAUSE IT’S WEDNESDAY

U.S. FORCES READY TO ATTACK SYRIA AT ANY SECOND IF THEY WANT TO PUSH IT

THE U.K. READY TO PUT FORWARD A UN RESOLUTION ON SYRIA WHICH THE RUSSIANS WILL OF COURSE BLOCK

JAPAN FINALLY CONSIDERS ACCEPTING HELP AS NUCLEAR WASTE LEAKS ALL OVER THE DARN PLACE

RUSSIA AND CHINA WARN BUT DON’T REALLY THREATEN U.S. OVER SYRIAN ACTION

WELL IT CERTAINLY IS LOOKING LIKE THERE IS GOING BE A REAL WAR IN SYRIA AFTER ALL

SYRIA CALLS JOHN KERRY A LIAR JUST HOURS AFTER HE CALLED THEM A LIAR OVER GAS ATTACK

U.S. NAVY READY AND EVEN A LITTLE EAGER TO LAUNCH STRIKE ON SYRIA WITHIN DAYS

JOHN KERRY REALLY HAS NOTHING BUT BAD NEWS FOR SYRIA

MIDDLE EAST PEACE TALKS CANCELLED FOR THE DAY AFTER MASSACRE BY ISRAELI SOLDIERS

ISRAEL SAYS IT IS READY TO ATTACK SYRIA BUT WHEN ARE THEY NOT READY TO ATTACK SOMEONE

SYRIA THINKS THE WHOLE MIDDLE EAST IS GOING TO COME TO THEIR DEFENCE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

SYRIAN OFFICIALS ALLOW UN ACCESS TO ATTACK SITE BECAUSE THEY CLEARLY HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE

RUSSIA BANS PROTESTS AROUND THE WINTER OLYMPICS AND JUST IN GENERAL REALLY

EVEN IRAN SAYS CHEMICAL WEAPON USE IN SYRIA IS BAD, EVEN IRAN

UN OFFICIALS ARRIVE IN SYRIA SERIOUSLY EXPECTING TO GET ACCESS TO ATTACK SITE

RADIOACTIVE WATER FROM FUKUSHIMA GETTING REAL, REAL CLOSE TO THE OCEAN

SYRIAN REBELS WITH MAGICAL U.S. TRAINING CROSS BORDER AND GET READY TO TURN THE TIDE ONCE AND FOR ALL

UN CHIEF CALLS FOR SWIFT ACTION ON SYRIAN ATTACK AND IS LIKE TOTALLY SERIOUS

FUKUSHIMA LEAK APPARENTLY MUCH WORSE THAN WE WERE LED TO BELIEVE, WHICH SHOULD HAVE BEEN EXPECTED

FRANCE WARNS OF FORCEFUL RESPONSE TO SYRIAN ATTACK WHICH SHOULD SCARE ABOUT NO ONE

COUNTRIES WHO COULD ACT ASKING OTHER COUNTRIES TO ACT FOLLOWING SYRIAN CHEMICAL ATTACK

ISRAEL PROMISES TO MAKE DRAMATIC DECISIONS FOR PEACE, DRAMATIC FOR THEM AT LEAST

SYRIA USES CHEMICAL WEAPONS AGAIN OR NOT OR SOMETHING, IT’S SUCH A MESS OVER THERE

FUKUSHIMA OFFICIALS FINALLY FIND THAT RADIOACTIVE WATER LEAK THEY REALLY DID NOT WANT TO FIND

EGYPT ARRESTS HEAD OF MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD WHICH SHOULD CALM THINGS DOWN

UN CHEMICAL WEAPONS INSPECTORS TO START WORK OR WHATEVER IN SYRIA ON MONDAY

ARMY CHIEF SAYS THERE IS ROOM FOR ALL IN EGYPT NOW THAT SO MANY ARE DEAD

NEW IRANIAN LEADER ROUHANI WILL DROP SLOGANS BUT NOT NUKES WHICH IS REALLY WHAT PEOPLE WANT

SCOTLAND YARD LOOKING AT NEW INFORMATION ABOUT DEATH OF PRINCESS DIANA AFTER SOLVING ALL OTHER CRIMES

THINGS GET SO BAD IN SYRIA REFUGEES ACTUALLY WILLINGLY ENTERING IRAQ

EGYPTIAN OFFICIALS ACTUALLY GET TOGETHER ON THE WEEKEND TO DISCUSS WHERE THINGS ARE

EGYPT ARRESTS BROTHER OF AL-QAEDA LEADER WHICH COULD MEAN ABOUT NOTHING AT ALL

AFTER ALL THIS DEATH AND STUFF EGYPT AT LEAST CONSIDERING OUTLAWING MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD

SECOND DAY OF RAGE IN EGYPT GOES PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AS THE FIRST ONE

ECUADOR DECIDES TO DESTROY ALL THEIR RAINFORESTS AFTER WORLD FAILS TO COME UP WITH CASH

UN JUST NOW CALLING FOR RESTRAINT IN EGYPT, A LITTLE LATE REALLY

MIDDLE EAST PEACE TALKS ACTUALLY BEGIN FOR WHATEVER REASON

MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD VOWS REVENGE FOR DEADLY CRACKDOWN WHICH WILL LIKELY TURN OUT WELL

EGYPTIAN OFFICIALS DEFEND CRACKDOWN BECAUSE THEY REALLY KIND OF HAVE TO

ISRAEL BEGINS RELEASING PRISONERS, VERY SLOWLY, ONE BY ONE

U.S. OFFICIALS WORRIED ISRAELI SETTLEMENTS MAY DISRUPT PEACE TALKS LIKE THEY HAVE DONE EVERY SINGLE TIME BEFORE

SYRIAN OPPOSITION CALLS FOR UNIFIED REBEL ARMY LIKE THAT WILL HAPPEN

JOHN KERRY STILL VAGUELY HOPEFUL ABOUT MIDDLE EAST TALKS

THE U.K. SENDS WARSHIPS TO GIBRALTAR BECAUSE THAT’S HOW THEY DEAL WITH THINGS

ISRAEL READY TO RELEASE LOW-RISK PALESTINIAN PRISONERS WHO PROBABLY SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN IN JAIL AT ALL

U.K. WAGES DROP TO THE WORST IN EUROPE AND THINGS AREN’T GOING TO GET ANY BETTER

AMERICAN IMPRISONED IN NORTH KOREA CONVENIENTLY SERIOUSLY ILL

ISRAEL BACKS NEW SETTLEMENT HOMES, LIKE THERE WAS EVER ANY QUESTION

OFFICIALS HOPE ED SNOWDEN THING DOESN’T END RELATIONS BETWEEN THE U.S. AND RUSSIA AND RESULT IN WORLD WAR

U.S. SNUB JUST FORCES RUSSIA TO LOVE CHINA THAT MUCH MORE

ISRAEL CLEARS THE PATH FOR EVEN MORE WEST BANK HOMES SINCE NO ONE IS USING THE LAND

EGYPT NOT INTERESTED IN GIVING MORSI SUPPORTERS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT ANY LONGER

BOTH THE U.S. AND THE E.U. CALL FOR AN END TO EGYPTIAN VIOLENCE SO THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH

PUTIN DISAPPOINTED BY OBAMA SNUB BUT HE’LL GET OVER IT

AL QAEDA HELPS SYRIAN REBELS CAPTURE AIRBASE TO ATTACK AMERICA OR SOMETHING

TALIBAN LEADER HAS NO INTEREST IN RUNNING FOR OFFICE OR SEIZING IT ONCE THE U.S. LEAVES AFGHANISTAN, HE SAYS

IRANIAN LEADER REQUESTS SERIOUS NUCLEAR TALKS LIKE IT WAS ALL A JOKE BEFORE

U.S. DRONES ATTACK YEMEN WHICH IS BARELY EVEN A COUNTRY SO NO BIG DEAL

U.S. SENATORS GET INVOLVED IN EGYPTIAN CRISIS BECAUSE IT IS SOMETHING THEY COULD STICK THEIR NOSES IN

WHITE HOUSE PRETTY MUCH WILLING TO GIVE IRAN WHAT THEY WANT NOW

MUGABE OFFICIALLY RE-ELECTED OR SOMETHING TO THAT GENERAL EFFECT

INTERPOL WORRIED THAT MASS ORCHESTRATED JAILBREAKS IN MULTIPLE COUNTRIES COULD BE A SECURITY THREAT

IRAN INSTALLS NEW PRESIDENT WHICH MAKES SENSE SINCE THEY VOTED FOR HIM

PRO-MORSI SUPPORTERS DEFY ORDER TO LEAVE WHICH WILL ONLY GET THEM BEATEN OR WORSE

ZIMBABWE SCREWS UP THEIR ELECTION, DEPENDING ON WHICH SIDE OF IT YOU’RE ON OF COURSE

ED SNOWDEN FREE, WELL KIND OF FREE, TO ROAM AROUND A LITTLE MORE IN MOSCOW

SAUDI ROYAL AL-WALEED LOOKING TO GET OUT OF THE OIL BUSINESS

TALKS BETWEEN ISRAEL AND PALESTINE RESUME ON SECOND DAY WHICH IS SOMETHING UNTO ITSELF

MOHAMED MORSI APPARENTLY DOING WELL DESPITE BEING OUT OF WORK

MIDDLE EAST PEACE TALKS RESUMING BUT COME ON, SERIOUSLY

DEFIANT MORSI SUPPORTERS DO WHAT DEFIANT MORSI SUPPORTERS DO WHICH SHOULD END WELL

MALI GOING TO VOTE FOR A PRESIDENT, THEN DEPOSE HIM, THEN VOTE AGAIN

EGYPT TO DISPERSE PRO-MORSI PROTESTERS AND GUESS HOW, GO AHEAD GUESS

ISRAEL TO RELEASE 104 PALESTINIAN PRISONERS, NO MORE, NO LESS

SYRIAN GOVERNMENT SAYS REBELS KILLED ALL THOSE PEOPLE IN THE NORTH BUT YOU CAN’T REALLY TRUST THE GOVERNMENT THESE DAYS

EGYPTIAN SECURITY FORCES HAVE A GRAND OLD TIME GUNNING DOWN PROTESTERS

TUNISIA STARTS KILLING FOLKS AGAIN SO APPARENTLY THEY ARE STILL WORKED UP

MOHAMED MORSI KIND OF CHARGED WITH A BUNCH OF STUFF SINCE THEY WERE HOLDING HIM ALREADY

POLICE DECIDE IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO TALK WITH SPANISH TRAIN DRIVER FOLLOWING ACCIDENT

RUSSIA URGES SYRIAN GOVERNMENT TO EXPEL EXTREMISTS BUT THEY CAN’T JUST EXPEL THEMSELVES

ROYAL BABY SPENDS FIRST NIGHT IN THIS WORLD PLOTTING TO TAKE CONTROL OF THRONE

PALESTINIAN PRESIDENT SAYS ALL OPTIONS, WHATEVER THEY MIGHT BE, ARE OPEN IF PEACE TALKS FAIL

KATE MIDDLETON FINALLY HAVING THAT BABY THING SHE’S HAD IN HER WOMB

BRITISH PRIME MINISTER STATES EXACTLY WHAT HAS BEEN OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE ABOUT SYRIA FOR MONTHS ALREADY

NETANYAHU LOSES HIS DAMN FOOL MIND AND WELCOMES PEACE WITH PALESTINE

ISRAEL AGREES TO RELEASE A COUPLE OF THEIR PALESTINIAN PRISONERS IF IT WILL SHUT EVERYONE UP

ISRAEL AND PALESTINE TO HAVE A CHAT ABOUT PEACE AFTER ALL

PALESTINIANS STILL UNDECIDED ON PEACE PLAN AND WHETHER THEY WANT ONE OR NOT

NEW IRANIAN LEADER JUST LAUGHING AND LAUGHING AT ISRAELI THREATS

TALIBAN STILL SHOCKED OVER MALALA ATTACK, JUST CAN’T BELIEVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT WOULD HAPPEN

INTERIM EGYPTIAN GOVERNMENT SWORN IN AS MAD AS THAT MAKES PEOPLE

SYRIAN CRISIS NOW THE WORST SINCE RWANDA AND WE IGNORED THAT ONE TOO

CUBAN WEAPONS SEIZED ON NORTH KOREAN VESSEL PROBABLY DON’T WORK ANYWAYS

JOHN KERRY IN JORDAN TO TRY AND GET THIS MIDEAST PEACE THING FINALLY DONE

MEXICO CAPTURES LOS ZETAS LEADER WHO WILL JUST BE REPLACED

CHINESE ECONOMIC GROWTH SLOWS AGAIN SO MAYBE THEY WON’T TAKE OVER THE PLANET

NETANYAHU REALLY WORKING HARD TO BRING IRAN AND THE NUKE THING BACK IN THE NEWS

EGYPT DETERMINED TO FIND SOMETHING REALLY BAD THEIR CAN PIN ON MORSI

MORSI LOYALISTS VOW TO FIGHT ON ENDLESSLY EVEN THOUGH THEY’VE ALREADY LOST

SYRIAN REBELS NOW USING SARIN GAS, OR SO RUSSIA SAYS AND NO ONE TRUSTS THE RUSSIANS

EGYPT ORDERS ARREST OF MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD LEADER BECAUSE HE IS CAUSING RIOTS AND STUFF

PAKISTAN OFFICIALLY INCOMPETENT ON THE WHOLE BIN LADEN THING LIKE WE DIDN’T KNOW THAT ALREADY

MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD REJECTS NEW ELECTION PLAN AND JUST WANTS THEIR GUY BACK, WHICH ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN

EGYPT’S INTERIM LEADER CALLS FOR CALM WHEN IT IS HIM, KIND OF, THAT IS CAUSING ALL THE TROUBLE

EGYPT GOES AHEAD AND KILLS DOZENS WHO INSISTED ON CAUSING TROUBLE IN THE STREETS

TURKEY MANAGES TO QUELL PROTESTERS WHO ARE STILL CAUSING TROUBLE THERE APPARENTLY

THE ONE GUY IN EGYPT PEOPLE LIKE NOT GOING TO BE THE PRIME MINISTER AFTER ALL

FRANCE DISMISSES SPYING CLAIMS BECAUSE THE FRENCH ARE ABOVE THAT

INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY GETS ALL UP IN EGYPT’S BUSINESS OVER VIOLENCE

CIVIL WAR MAY BE COMING TO EGYPT BUT PROBABLY NOT, REALLY PROBABLY NOT

FRANCE PRETTY MUCH WATCHING EVERYONE, EVEN MORE THAN THE UNITED STATES

BRITISH POLICE SAY MADELEINE MCCANN IS STILL ALIVE TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL BETTER OR SOMETHING

EGYPT PRETTY MUCH OKAY WITH PEACEFUL PROTESTS NOW, RIGHT NOW AT LEAST

PORTUGAL'S GOVERNMENT ABOUT TO COLLAPSE CAUSING CONCERN FOR THE PORTUGUESE AT LEAST

WELL, THE EGYPTIANS UP AND DID THAT COUP THING THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT AFTER ALL

MOHAMED MORSI AT A LOSS WITH WHAT HE SHOULD DO WITH HIS DAYS AFTER COUP

PAKISTAN COULD, TECHNICALLY, END THE AFGHAN WAR BUT PROBABLY WON’T

MORSI STICKING WITH HIS PLANS FOR THE COUNTRY NO MATTER HOW MANY PEOPLE DIE

EGYPTIAN ARMY HOLDS TALKS TO TALK ABOUT WHETHER THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER THE COUNTRY OR NOT

CHINA AND RUSSIA JOIN FORCES FOR LARGEST MILITARY DRILL EVER WHICH SHOULD IMPRESS THEM AT LEAST

ED SNOWDEN REJECTED FOR ASYLUM IN RUSSIA BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS HIM APPARENTLY

EGYPTIAN ARMY GIVES 48 HOUR ULTIMATUM BEFORE TAKING OVER THE COUNTRY AGAIN

UN SENDS FORCES INTO MALI TO TRY AND FORCE PEACE ON THE COUNTRY ONCE AND FOR ALL

PROTESTERS GIVE MORSI ONE DAY TO LEAVE OFFICE BEFORE THEY RIP EGYPT TO PIECES AGAIN

EU OFFICIALS ACKNOWLEDGE THEY REALLY WOULD LIKE TO SHOW ANGER OVER SPYING ALLEGATIONS

JOHN KERRY FEELS HE CAN SUCCEED WHERE EVERYONE ELSE HAS FAILED IN MID-EAST PEACE

US WARNS CITIZENS ABOUT TRAVEL TO EGYPT AMIDST CLASHES AND STUPID PEOPLE TRAVELLING TO EGYPT

CHINA PRETTY EFFECTIVELY FORCIBLY MOVING TIBETANS OUT OF THE COUNTRY

MOHAMED MORSI WARNS OF RISKS LIKE LOSING HIM AS PRESIDENT IF UNREST CONTINUES

EU TO FINALLY KIND OF DEAL WITH JOBS CRISIS FACING EVERYONE

PUTIN WON’T EXTRADITE SNOWDEN, HECK HE COULDN’T EVEN IF HE WANTED TO, AND HE DOESN’T

BRAZILIAN PRESIDENT OFFERS EVEN MORE REFORMS WHICH IS JUST GOING TO ENCOURAGE THEM EVEN MORE

EGYPT WARNS PROTESTERS THEY WILL KILL THEM IF THEY CONTINUE, THAT’S PROBABLY WHAT THEY WERE GETTING AT

SYRIAN REBELS GETTING URGENT SUPPORT FROM GUESS WHO, GO AHEAD GUESS

BRAZILIAN PRESIDENT GIVES EVERY CONCESSION ANYONE COULD POSSIBLY ASK FOR JUST TO STOP THOSE PROTESTS

SYRIAN REBELS APPARENTLY HAVE NEW WEAPONS, WONDER WHERE THOSE COULD HAVE COME FROM

GERMANY AND TURKEY GET INTO POLITICAL ROW OVER EU BID WHICH IS TOTALLY UNLIKE WORLD WAR I

PROTESTS ACROSS BRAZIL DON’T GET BETTER OR STAY THE SAME WHICH MEANS THEY ARE WORSE

RACE TO SAVE INDIAN FLOOD VICTIMS COMPLICATED BY HIGH WATER LEVELS

NORTH KOREA WILLING TO JOIN TALKS IF ANYONE HAS AN EXTRA TICKET

BRAZIL REACTS TO PROTESTS WITH PRIDE UNLIKE THOSE DARNED TURKS

HOPES DASHED FOR SYRIAN BREAKTHROUGH AT G8 BY PUTIN, ALWAYS BY PUTIN

HAMID KARZAI BOYCOTTS U.S. TALIBAN TALKS BUT HE WASN’T INVITED IN THE FIRST PLACE

AFGHAN FORCES TAKE OVER NATIONWIDE SECURITY, AS THEY CALL IT, FROM NATO

SO BRAZIL IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE WITH PROTESTS AND NO ONE KNOWS WHAT’S WRONG WITH PEOPLE ANYMORE

OBAMA AND PUTIN PUSH SYRIAN SUMMIT EVEN THOUGH THEY KNOW IT WILL SOLVE NOTHING

ISRAEL ISSUES WARNING AFTER IRANIAN ELECTION BECAUSE THEY JUST CAN’T CUT THEM ANY SLACK

BELIEVE IT OR NOT BUT VIOLENTLY THROWING PROTESTERS FROM PARK DOES NOTHING TO QUELL TURKISH TENSIONS

PAKISTANI CITY REALLY IN SHOCK OVER VIOLENT TERROR ATTACKS DESPITE LIKE LIVING IN PAKISTAN AND STUFF

IRANIAN PRESIDENT-ELECT HASSAN ROUHANI PRAISES HIS WIN BECAUSE HE WON

TURKISH POLICE FINALLY JUST TOSS ALL THE PROTESTERS OUT OF THAT STUPID PARK THAT CAUSED ALL THIS TROUBLE

INDIA SET TO HAVE WORLD’S LARGEST POPULATION BY 2028, WUT WUT

PROTESTERS VOW TO STAY PUT IN GEZI PARK BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEY ARE JUST JERKS AFTER ALL

RUSSIA SAYS IT WON’T PARTICIPATE IN NO-FLY ZONE IN SYRIA AND MAY OPPOSE IT BUT LIKE WITH WORDS AND STUFF

U.K. OFFICIALS BAN ED SNOWDEN FROM TRAVELLING THERE BECAUSE THEY ARE TOUGH GUYS

IRAN GOES TO THE POLLS TO FINALLY GET THAT GUY THEY WERE FORCED TO LOVE OUT OF OFFICE

ERDOGAN MEETS PARK PROTESTERS AND HAS A VERY STERN WORD WITH THEM

UN CONDEMNS CHILD DEATHS IN SYRIA SO SEE THEY DO CARE A LITTLE

ERDOGAN ISSUES FINAL WARNING TO PROTESTERS WHICH SOUNDS A LITTLE LIKE A THREAT

EUROPE WORRIED U.S. SPYING REVELATIONS WILL LIKE, YOU KNOW, CAUSE THEIR SPY PROGRAMS TO BE REVEALED

PROTESTERS DEFY THREATS FROM TURKISH PM BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DID

WORLD BRACES FOR MANDELA’S DEATH, KIND OF SEEM TO BE HOPING FOR IT IN FACT

EUROZONE RESCUE PLAN CHALLENGED BY LEGAL AND ECONOMIC EXPERTS WHO THINK THEY KNOW A THING OR TWO

TURKISH PRIME MINISTER THREATENS PROTESTERS WHICH SHOULD CALM THINGS DOWN

U.K. PLEDGES NOT NEARLY ENOUGH MONEY TO FEED THE WORLD’S POOR

SYRIAN TROOPS PREPARING FOR ALEPPO ASSAULT BECAUSE THEY ARE KIND OF FEELING IT NOW

POLICE IN ANKARA SHOW THOSE ISTANBUL WIMPS HOW TO REALLY DEAL WITH PROTESTERS

EURO CRISIS OFFICIALLY OVER, AT LEAST FOR FRANCOIS HOLLANDE AND HIS GIANT POCKET BOOK

EU THINKS IT HAS SAY IN TURKISH PROTESTS AND TURKEY IS LIKE NO WAY MISTER

AFGHANS QUITE UPSET OVER ROBERT BALES LENIENCY DECISION BUT THAT MAKES UP FOR 9-11

TURKEY’S PRIME MINISTER ASKS FOR CALM BUT THAT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN

U.S. CONDEMNS SIEGE OF QUSAIR BECAUSE THEY KIND OF BET ON THE REBELS TO WIN

FRANCE URGES WORLD TO ACT ON SYRIAN CHEMICAL WEAPONS BUT DON’T INCLUDE THEMSELVES AS MEMBERS OF THE WORLD

SYRIAN FORCES FINALLY RETAKE QUSAIR AND FROM THERE THE WORLD

UN OFFICIALS WANT MORE EVIDENCE OF CHEMICAL WEAPONS USE IN SYRIA, AND THEN MORE AFTER THAT AND THEN STILL MORE LATER

TURKEY OFFERS APOLOGY TO ALL THOSE PROTESTERS THEY BEAT DOWN FOR EXPRESSING THEIR OPINIONS WITH ROCKS AND FIRE

SYRIAN REBELS AND HEZBOLLAH FINALLY MEET UP AND IT DOESN’T GO WELL

CLASHES MAR VIOLENT PROTESTS IN TURKEY FOR A FOURTH STRAIGHT DAY

RED CROSS ALARMED OVER QUSAIR CONFLICT BUT THEY ARE ALWAYS ALARMED ABOUT SOMETHING

PROTESTERS RETURN TO TURKISH STREETS BECAUSE THIS HAS BECOME LIKE A THING FOR THEM

POLICE SURE GET THE UPPER HAND IN BATTLE WITH PROTESTORS IN ISTANBUL

EMPLOYMENT NUMBERS SHOW A RECORD NUMBER OF EUROPEANS ARE JUST TAKING IT EASY

ASSAD THINKS HE’S THREATENING ISRAEL BUT REALLY NOT SO MUCH

AFRICAN MILTANTS THREATENING ALL OF WEST AFRICA SAY GOVERNMENTS IN WEST AFRICA WHO WANT HELP

HEZBOLLAH FIGHTERS INVADING SYRIA, BUT NOT LIKE INVADING INVADING, THEY STILL WANT TO DESTROY ISRAEL

BASHAR ASSAD SAYS HIS GOVERNMENT HAS BALANCE OF POWER IN SYRIA SO THAT’S THAT

EUROPEAN COUNTRIES ALLOWED TO EASE AUSTERITY PLANS, WELL EXCEPT FOR GREECE OBVIOUSLY

GAY COUPLES GETTING MARRIED IN FRANCE WHETHER THE PUBLIC, OR THEIR PARENTS, LIKE IT OR NOT

CAR BOMBINGS REALLY BLOWING UP ALL OVER IRAQ

RUSSIA SAYS ANTI-AIRCRAFT MISSILES DELIVERED TO SYRIA ARE, AW FORGET IT, THEY’RE JUST HELPING THE GOVERNMENT

ICC MAY EASE UP ON HUNTING AFRICAN WAR CRIMINALS AFTER GETTING CAUGHT DOING JUST THAT

EUROPEAN UNION JUST NOW GOING TO START TALKING ABOUT SYRIAN ARMS EMBARGO

HEZBOLLAH VOWS VICTORY IN SYRIA WHICH IS PROBABLY NOT THE WORDS THE GOVERNMENT WANTED TO HEAR

DOZENS DEAD IN INDIA AFTER NEW KIND OF TERRORIST ATTACK FROM TERRORISTS THEY WOULD NEVER HAVE SUSPECTED

BOKO HARAM PLEDGES TO REBUILD TERRORIST BASES FOLLOWING DESTRUCTION BY NIGERIAN MILITARY

SURPRISE, SURPRISE A SYRIAN TOWN IS BEING BOMBARDED BY THE MILITARY

GERMANY VOTED THE MOST POPULAR COUNTRY IN THE WORLD WHICH IS THE FIRST PART OF THEIR PLAN

TERRIFYING LONDON TERROR ATTACK, OR WHATEVER IT WAS, PROBABLY WON’T LEAD TO ANYTHING

JAPAN FINALLY DECIDES THAT PERHAPS CHILD ABDUCTION IS NOT OKAY

RUSSIA JUST GOES AHEAD AND STARTS BUILDING AUTONOMOUS KILLER ROBOTS

MASS CAR BOMBINGS KILL DOZENS IN IRAQ WHICH IS BAD EVEN FOR THEM

INDIA AND CHINA SIGN A DEAL TO PREVENT THEM FROM EVER FIGHTING A WAR, EVER

ANGELA MERKEL AND POPE FRANCIS MEET TO CONSOLIDATE POWER IN EUROPE

SYRIA GETTING READY TO STRIKE ISRAEL IF THEY STRIKE FIRST AND IF THEY SEE AN OPPORTUNITY AND STUFF

FRANCE SOMEHOW COLLECTS MORE MONEY IN TAXES THAN EXISTS IN THE COUNTRY

SYRIAN ARMY STORMS REBEL STRONGHOLD IN INITIATIVE THAT PROBABLY WON’T CHANGE ANYTHING

SYRIAN REFUGEES STARTING TO GET A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL THE UN ADMITS

INVESTIGATORS SAY FOR REALLY NO GOOD REASON AT ALL THAT MADELEINE MCCANN MAY STILL BE ALIVE

NIGERIA BEGINS RAIDS ON BOKO HARAM CAMPS WHICH WON’T REALLY ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING

RUSSIA SENDS MODERN WEAPONS TO SYRIA TO FINALLY FINISH THIS STUPID WAR

THE UN CALLS FOR PEACEFUL TRANSITION IN SYRIA ABOUT TWO YEARS TOO LATE

CHINA CONDUCTS TEST OF ANTI-SATELLITE MISSILE WHICH PRESUMABLY WILL ONLY DESTROY SATELLITES

ANGELA MERKEL MAY HAVE BEEN A COMMUNIST IN THE PAST WHICH IS KIND OF WEIRD

VIDEO DEPICTING GRUESOME VIOLENCE IN SYRIA ANGERS RIGHTS GROUP BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT STUFF

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD COULD BE WHIPPED FOR ELECTION VIOLATIONS, BUT PROBABLY WON’T BE

IF THE UN HAD THEIR WAY ALL WE WOULD EVER EAT IS INSECTS

SYRIA DENIES ANY ROLE IN TURKISH BOMB BLASTS BEFORE EVEN BEING ASKED

HOSNI MUBARAK’S RETRIAL STARTS FOR REASONS PEOPLE STILL CAN’T FIGURE OUT

RUSSIA MAKES DECISION TO KEEP SELLING MISSILES TO SYRIA BECAUSE, WELL, BECAUSE SALES ARE OBVIOUSLY GOOD

TURKEY SAYS SYRIA PROBABLY USED CHEMICAL WEAPONS AND PROBABLY CROSSED THE RED LINE BUT CLEARLY THEY DON’T CARE

HA HA, CHINA MAY NOT TAKE OVER THE UNITED STATES THIS CENTURY AFTER ALL

U.S. LEADERS MAKE IT CLEAR THAT BASHAR ASSAD WILL NOT STAY IN POWER ONCE HE IS OUSTED

RUSSIA KIND OF AGREES WITH THE UNITED STATES ON SYRIAN CHEMICAL WEAPONS, KIND OF

WESTERN OFFICIALS AFRAID OF RETALIATION OVER ISRAELI ATTACK ON SYRIA BECAUSE THEY CAN ONLY THINK OF THEMSELVES

NORTH KOREA WITHDRAWS MISSILES FROM LAUNCH SITE WHICH WAS THE WAY IT WAS ALWAYS GOING TO GO

ISRAEL SUDDENLY BEING NICE TO SYRIA BUT THEY PROBABLY DON’T MEAN IT

HAVING WORKED FOR GADDAFI NOT SUCH A GOOD THING FOR LIBYAN POLITICIANS

NOW SYRIAN REBELS ARE USING CHEMICAL WEAPONS, EVERYONE IS USING CHEMICAL WEAPONS, THEY’RE EVERYWHERE

SYRIA READY TO WAGE WAR AGAINST ISRAEL SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE, MAYBE, THEY’LL THINK ABOUT IT AT LEAST

HUNGARY SUDDENLY HATES JEWISH PEOPLE WHICH IS NEW FOR THEM, MAKING THE NEWS AND ALL

ISRAEL TARGETED WHATEVER THEY DARN WELL WANTED TO TARGET DURING LATEST SYRIAN STRIKES

VENEZUELAN LEADER SAYS EVERYONE IS PLOTTING TO KILL HIM, ESPECIALLY THE COLOMBIANS

HAMID KARZAI URGES TALIBAN TO JOIN IN FIGHT AGAINST PAKISTAN

SYRIANS ACTUALLY RUNNING AWAY FROM THE PLACES WHERE ALL THOSE MASSACRES ARE HAPPENING

NO ONE KNOWS WHERE SYRIAN CHEMICAL WEAPONS ARE NOW AND NO ONE MUCH CARES

SOMALIAN FAMINE KILLED AT LEAST 260,000 PEOPLE BUT IT’S OVER NOW SO RELAX

SAIF AL-ISLAM GADDAFI GIVEN LIBYAN LAWYERS WHO WILL OF COURSE DO A GREAT JOB FOR HIM

GREEKS STAGE ANOTHER STRIKE OVER AUSTERITY MEASURES RATHER THAN JUST GOING TO WORK

KATE MIDDLETON ACTUALLY CAPABLE OF SPEECH AND SOUNDS NORMAL AND EVERYTHING

OBAMA FINALLY DECIDES TO TELL PUTIN THAT HE IS WORRIED ABOUT SYRIAN CHEMICAL WEAPONS

SYRIAN REBELS REALLY NOT GOOD AT ASSASSINATIONS AS PRIME MINISTER SURVIVES CAR BOMB

GERMANS STILL REALLY FASCINATED BY NAZIS, PROBABLY WAY TOO FASCINATED

ISRAEL BELIEVES IT’S NOW OR NEVER TO ACT ON IRAN AND ALL THEIR NUKES

NORTH KOREA TO ISSUE CRIMINAL VERDICT ON U.S. CITIZEN AND IT LIKELY WON’T BE A GOOD ONE

THE U.K. FINDS GROWING EVIDENCE OF CHEMICAL WEAPONS USE IN SYRIA LIKE DAYS AFTER EVERYONE ELSE FOUND IT

ISRAEL RELUCTANTLY ABANDONS WHITE PHOSPHORUS FOR USE ON CIVILIANS

USE OF CHEMICAL WEAPONS IN SYRIA MAY HAVE CROSSED THE RED LINE, NO WAIT, THAT WAS IRAN WITH THE RED LINE

SPAIN SNAGS NEW RECORD HIGH FOR UNEMPLOYMENT

RIOTS ERUPT IN FRANCE OVER NEW GAY MARRIAGE RULES WHICH SEEMS EXCESSIVE

CANADIAN TRAIN PLOT PAIR SAY IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE PLOTTING TO BLOW UP THE TRAIN WHEN IT REALLY ONLY COULD BE THEM

JAPAN AND CHINA GOING TO END UP FIGHTING OVER THOSE SILLY ISLANDS IF THIS KEEPS UP

ISRAEL SAYS SYRIA HAS USED CHEMICAL WEAPONS WHICH EVERYONE ELSE ALREADY KNEW

CANADIAN OFFICIALS THWART TERRORIST ATTACK IN CANADA, SERIOUSLY IN CANADA

SYRIAN GOVERMENT KILLS DOZENS AND DOZENS AND DOZENS BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THEY DO

U.S. FINALLY STEPS UP TO ACTUALLY AID REBELS IN SYRIA

RESCUE WORKERS IN CHINA FINALLY REACH QUAKE RAVAGED REGION TO HELP PEOPLE SURVIVE AND STUFF

NORTH KOREA NOW TRAINING KIDS TO FIGHT THE UNITED STATES WHICH MEANS IT’S OVER BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED

CHINESE EARTHQUAKE BEATS OUT MOST OTHER EARTHQUAKES BECAUSE THEY HAVE MORE PEOPLE

BASHAR ASSAD SAYS WEST WILL PAY FOR BACKING AL QAEDA AGAINST HIM WHICH IS NOT HAPPENING AT ALL

NORTH KOREA SAYS TALKING IS CRAFTY TRICK TO DISSUADE THEM FROM SPARKING NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION

NORTH KOREA SAYS IT WON’T GIVE A WARNING EXCEPT TO SAY THAT IT WON’T GIVE A WARNING

NORTH KOREA CELEBRATES BIRTHDAY OF KIM IL-SUNG EVEN WITH THE WORLD BEING MEAN TO THEM

CHALLENGER DEMANDS RECOUNT IN VENEZUELAN ELECTION BECAUSE HE LOST

VENEZUELANS GO TO POLLS TO VOTE FOR NEW LEADER AND WE ALL KNOW WHO THAT WILL BE

CHINA AND THE UNITED STATES AGREE TO TAKE NUKES FROM NORTH KOREA IF THEY WON’T GIVE THEM UP

CHINA URGES EVERYONE TO REMAIN CALM ON NORTH KOREAN CRISIS WHEN REALLY THEY ONLY NEED TO CONVINCE NORTH KOREA

DAVID CAMERON HAS NO INTENTIONS OF APPEASING THE GERMANS IN EU TALKS, NOT THIS TIME ANYWAYS

NORTH KOREA SAYS NUCLEAR WAR IS UNAVOIDABLE DESPITE IT BEING COMPLETELY AVOIDABLE

NORTH KOREA EYES JAPAN AS NUMBER ONE TARGET IN WHATEVER IT IS THEY ARE GOING TO DO

SOME GROUP JUST FIGURES OUT THAT SYRIAN AIR STRIKES ARE TARGETING CIVILIANS

G8 MINISTERS CONDEMN NORTH KOREAN THREATS WHICH WILL LIKELY ONLY MAKE THEM WORSE

U.S. OFFICIALS APPARENTLY HELD A SECRET MEETING WITH NORTH KOREA WHICH CLEARLY DIDN’T GO WELL

THE WHOLE FRENCH GOVERNMENT IN A LITTLE TROUBLE OVER TAX SCAMS

IRAN INAUGURATES FIVE NEW NUCLEAR REACTORS JUST LIKE EVERYONE HAS BEEN DARING THEM TO DO

NORTH KOREA FINALLY READY TO LAUNCH THAT MISSILE THEY’VE BEEN TALKING SO MUCH ABOUT

GERMANY TELLS RUSSIA WHAT IT NEEDS TO DO AGAIN BECAUSE THAT WORKS SO WELL SO OFTEN

FRENCH TROOPS LAUNCH BIGGEST OFFENSIVE YET IN MALI BECAUSE THEY STILL CARE

IRON LADY MARGARET THATCHER DIES AFTER BEING LIKE A MILLION YEARS OLD

FRANCE NOW LOOKING TO KEEP TROOPS IN MALI FOREVER WHICH WAS PROBABLY THEIR PLAN ALL ALONG

SOUTH KOREA REALLY SURE THE NORTH IS GOING TO TEST A MISSILE WHICH MEANS WAR, MAYBE, POSSIBLY

UN JUST DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO HELP SYRIAN REFUGEES ANYMORE SO THEY’RE OUT

IRAN AND EVERYONE ELSE DON’T COME TO AGREEMENT ON NUCLEAR WEAPONS TO NO ONE’S SURPRISE

U.S. OFFICALS CONTINUE TO PLAY DOWN NORTH KOREAN THREATS WHICH WILL LIKELY JUST MAKE THEM ANGRIER

IRAN DEFIANT OVER NUCLEAR TALKS BECAUSE THEY WANT THE ATTENTION

SOUTH KOREA TO TRACK NORTH KOREAN MISSILE MOVEMENTS OBVIOUSLY

NORTH KOREA PREPARING MISSILE LAUNCH COMPLETELY INDEPENDENT OF EVERYTHING ELSE GOING ON

NORTH KOREA APPROVES NUCLEAR STRIKES ON THE UNITED STATES AGAIN FOR SOME REASON OR THE OTHER

TOP U.S. GENERAL AFRAID NORTH KOREA SITUATION MAY BE VOLATILE AND DANGEROUS

NORTH KOREA EXPANDS NUCLEAR PROGRAM TO LIKE SOMETHING BIGGER

SYRIA CELEBRATES DEADLIEST MONTH SO FAR THROUGHOUT MARCH

BAN KI-MOON SAYS NORTH KOREAN CRISIS HAS GONE TOO FAR BUT NO ONE WILL LISTEN TO HIM

SUDAN’S BASHIR RELEASES ALL POLITICAL PRISONERS WHICH HE THINKS WILL MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY

SOUTH KOREA PROMISES STRONG RESPONSE AGAINST NORTH WHICH IS HOW THESE THINGS ESCALATE

U.S. MOVES EVEN MORE STEALTH FIGHTER JETS INTO SOUTH KOREA FOR MASSIVE AIR SHOW

AFGHAN PRESIDENT HOLDING TALKS ON TALIBAN PEACE OR SURRENDER TO THEM OR SOMETHING

PEOPLE ALL ACROSS THE WORLD PRAYING FOR NELSON MANDELA TO NOT DIE THIS TIME

CYPRUS EASES SOME BANK RESTRICTIONS BECAUSE THEY’RE COOL LIKE THAT

NORTH KOREA NOW IN STATE OF WAR WITH SOUTH WHILE SOUTH IS LIKE WAIT, WHAT

IMF STILL HAS CONFIDENCE IN CHRISTINE LAGARDE WHICH IS NICE SINCE SHE IS IN CHARGE

RUSSIA WARNS THAT NORTH KOREAN SITUATION COULD SPIRAL, LIKE DUH

U.S. STEALTH BOMBERS RUN DRILLS NEAR NORTH KOREA IN NOT VERY STEALTHY WAYS

SYRIAN REBELS ASK THE U.S. TO SHOOT DOWN GOVERNMENT AIRPLANES WHICH IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN

NORTH KOREA CUTS ALL TIES WITH SOUTH BECAUSE WAR COULD BREAK OUT ANY TIME, THEY SAY

HENRIQUE CAPRILES SAYS VENEZUELAN ELECTION IS WAR BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL WHICH IS PROBABLY OVERSTATING IT

ARAB COUNCIL GIVES BASHAR ASSAD’S SEAT TO THE REBEL ALLIANCE BECAUSE HE’S TOO BUSY KILLING FOLKS

NORTH KOREA READIES ITSELF TO ATTACK THE U.S. WHILE THE U.S. HAS BEEN READY FOR YEARS

SELEKA REBEL LEADER TAKES PRESIDENCY OF CENTRAL AFRICAN REPUBLIC AFTER BOZIZE JUST RUNS AWAY

SYRIAN REBEL COMMANDER INJURED IN BLAST WHICH IS GOOD NEWS FOR SOME PEOPLE

RUSSIA NOT ALL THAT HAPPY OVER BAILOUT DEAL IN CYPRUS BUT IT’S NOT LIKE THEY WERE HELPING

CYPRUS FINALLY MAKES THE PEOPLE PAY FOR LIVING IN THEIR COUNTRY

CENTRAL AFRICAN REPUBLIC REBELS DECIDE TO TAKE THE CAPITAL AFTER ALL

RUSSIAN BUSINESSMAN AND PUTIN RIVAL FOUND DEAD OF POSSIBLE BROKEN HEART OR POISON

ISRAEL FIRES INTO SYRIA BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THEY DO WHEN THEY WANT TO

RUSSIA AND CHINA SIGN NEW DEAL THAT WILL GUARANTEE WORLD PEACE FOREVER

FACING MAJOR COLD SNAP BRITAIN JUST ABOUT OUT OF GAS, STIFF UPPER LIPS

CYPRUS KIND OF PASSES EU BAILOUT DEAL BUT ON THEIR OWN TERMS OF COURSE

NICOLAS SARKOZY OFFCIALLY PLACED UNDER INVESTIGATION BUT NOT THE GOOD KIND

NOT EVEN RUSSIA WANTS ANYTHING TO DO WITH CYPRUS WHICH SHOULD TELL THEM SOMETHING

OBAMA OFFERS SUPPORT FOR PALESTINIAN STATE ON THE MOON

OBAMA TALKS TOUGH ON IRAN DURING VISIT TO ISRAEL WHICH IS ALL HE COULD HAVE DONE REALLY

LEBANON SERIOUSLY THREATENING SYRIA AFTER SHELLS CROSS BORDER

SOUTH KOREA A LITTLE PERTURBED BY HACKING ATTACK EVEN IF IT CAME FROM NORTH KOREA

BANKS IN CYPRUS MAY NEVER REOPEN FOLLOWING REJECTION OF BAILOUT DEAL

CRISTINA FERNANDEZ ALREADY BRINGS UP THE FALKLANDS THING WITH POPE FRANCIS

CHEMICAL WEAPON BARRIER FINALLY BROKEN IN SYRIA

CYPRUS CAN NOW CHANGE BAILOUT TERMS TO WHATEVER IT WANTS WHICH IS WEIRD

NICOLAS MADURO URGES THE UNITED STATES TO END IT’S ASSASSINATION PLANS AND ALLOW FOR FAIR ELECTION

ISRAEL TO ASK THE UNITED STATES REAL NICE FOR PERMISSION TO BOMB SYRIA

CYPRUS BAILOUT DEAL BECOMING A BIG DEAL DESPITE CYPRUS NOT MATTERING REALLY

YET ANOTHER SYRIAN GENERAL DEFECTS TO REBELS, HO HUM

NORTH KOREA THREATENS SOUTH KOREAN ISLAND BUT IT’S REALLY ONLY A THREAT

UN ADOPTS TOUGH NEW SANCTIONS ON NORTH KOREA DESPITE THEM REALLY BEING THE TOUGH GUYS IN ALL OF THIS

NORTH KOREA OFFICIALLY ENDS KIND OF PEACE PACT WITH SOUTH IN MOVE THAT MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHNG

HUGO CHAVEZ TO LIE IN STATE FOREVER, OR UNTIL THE NEXT GUY FEELS HE CAN GET RID OF THE BODY

EGYPT SUSPENDS APRIL ELECTIONS BECAUSE CLEARLY THIS DEMOCRACY THING IS NOT WORKING

HENRIQUE CAPRILES TO TAKE SECOND SHOT AT VENEZUELAN PRESIDENCY AFTER FINALLY DOING AWAY WITH HUGO CHAVEZ

NORTH KOREA READY TO LAUNCH PRE-EMPTIVE NUCLEAR STRIKE ON THE U.S., OR AT LEAST THEY WOULD LIKE TO

THE U.K. SENDING TANKS AND OTHER THINGS LIKE THAT TO NOT AID THE OPPOSITION IN SYRIA, NOT AID THEM AT ALL

VENEZUELA IN SAFE HANDS FOR THE TIME BEING WITH ALL OF HUGO CHAVEZ’S BUDDIES IN CHARGE

HUGO CHAVEZ CERTAINLY NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AGAIN NOW THAT HE IS DEAD AND ALL

HUGO CHAVEZ NOW SUFFERING FROM A SEVERE INFECTION, AND CANCER, STILL THE CANCER

NORTH KOREA THREATENS TO END CEASEFIRE WITH SOUTH AND DO NOTHING ELSE

U.S. PLEDGES $450 MILLION IN AID TO EGYPT BECAUSE THEY KIND OF HAVE TO REALLY

NEW STUDY FINDS THE HOLOCAUST JUST GOT REAL

ITALY STILL ALL SCREWED UP BY THIS SILLY COMEDIAN WHO THINKS THE COUNTRY IS A JOKE

NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN BERLINERS DON’T WANT THE WALL TORN DOWN, WEIRD

BASHAR ASSAD KIND OF SAD THAT EVERYONE IS BEING MEAN TO HIM

FRANCE STILL WANTS ALL THE RICH PEOPLE’S MONEY BUT MAY NOT USE TAXES TO GET IT

HUGO CHAVEZ BATTLING FOR HIS LIFE JUST LIKE HE HAS ALWAYS BATTLED FOR HIS NATION AND OTHER STUFF

BERLUSCONI FACING EVEN MORE CORRUPTION CHARGES AS PRIME MINISTER OR NOT

THE U.S. KIND OF PLEDGES SOME SUPPORT AND AID TO SYRIAN REBELS

LUCKILY IRAN ALREADY HAS A PLAN B IN PLACE TO GET NUCLEAR WEAPONS

SYRIAN OPPOSITION AGREES TO PEACE TALKS AFTER EVERYONE ELSE AGREES TO PAY THEM

ITALIANS BASICALLY SCREW UP THEIR WHOLE GOVERNMENT IN ELECTION WHICH SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN A SURPRISE

EGYPT’S EL BARADEI ENCOURAGES LEADERS TO NOT HOLD PARLIAMENTARY ELECTIONS

RAUL CASTRO SAYS HE WILL RETIRE AND ABANDON THE SOCIALIST IDEALS HE FOUGHT FOR IN 2018

AFGHANISTAN EXPELS U.S. FORCES FROM WARDAK PROVINCE FOR NOW BUT THEY’LL BE BACK SOMETIME OF COURSE

ITALIANS GO TO POLLS IN ELECTION THAT REALLY WON’T CHANGE MUCH OF ANYTHING

THE UN CONTENT TO LET HAITIANS SUFFER WITH CHOLERA FOREVER IF NECESSARY

HEALTH OF HUGO CHAVEZ NOT IMPROVING WHICH IS JUST FINE BY MOST PEOPLE

ISRAEL SAYS IRAN IS CLOSER THAN EVER TO NUCLEAR BOMB WHETHER THEY ARE OR NOT

RUSSIA PROPOSES TALKING TO SYRIA TO END CIVIL WAR LIKE NO ONE HAS BEEN TRYING THAT ALREADY

TUNISIAN PRIME MINISTER RESIGNS FOR WHATEVER THAT’S WORTH AT THIS STAGE

ARMED ROBBERS SNATCH $50 MILLION IN DIAMONDS THEY WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SELL

NORTH KOREA THREATENS SOUTH WITH FINAL DESTRUCTION, YADDA YADDA YADDA

NORTH KOREA PLANNING MORE NUCLEAR TESTS BECAUSE THE LAST ONE WENT DO WELL

HUGO CHAVEZ RETURNS MORE OR LESS IN GOOD SHAPE TO VENEZUELA

KHAMENEI DARES U.S. TO TRY AND STOP IRAN FROM GETTING THE BOMB

PAKISTANIS ACTUALLY GET A LITTLE UPSET WITH THE GOVERNMENT OVER BOMB BLAST THAT KILLED 81

AFGHAN PRESIDENT KARZAI DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE OF THOSE RESIDENTIAL AIR STRIKES EVER

SOMEONE STARTS RALLYING FOR MOHAMMED MORSI WHICH HAS TO BE NICE

RUSSIA RELUCTANTLY SENDS CLEAN-UP TEAM TO METEOR STRICKEN TOWN

TINY LITTLE METEOR EXPLODES OVER RUSSIA AND EVERYONE WHINES AND COMPLAINS ABOUT IT

BURMESE POLICE USING WHITE PHOSPHOROUS ON MINE PROTESTERS BECAUSE THAT’S HOW THEY DO IN BURMA

NICOLAS SARKOZY MAY RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2017 EVEN IF IT’S FROM PRISON

QUEEN ELIZABETH NOT QUITTING JUST BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS QUITTING

IRAN SAYS IT HAS STARTED UPGRADING URANIUM CENTRIFUGES LIKE THAT IS SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF

CHINA CONDEMNS NORTH KOREAN NUCLEAR TEST JUST LIKE SENSIBLE COUNTRIES

NORTH KOREA DOES THAT NUCLEAR TEST JUST BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO

SYRIAN REBELS TAKE CONTROL OF DAM WHICH, WELL, PROBABLY MEANS NOTHING MUCH AT ALL

IRAN CONVERTING SLIGHTLY LESS URANIUM IN AN EFFORT TO DELAY DESTRUCTION

REBELS IN MALI ACTUALLY START TO FIGHT BACK BUT IT WON’T DO ANY GOOD

VENEZUELA DEVALUES ITS CURRENCY TO JUST ABOUT THE LEVEL EVERYONE FEELS IT SHOULD BE

EUROPEAN UNION LEADERS FINALLY AGREE ON SOMETHING, NOT SPENDING MORE MONEY

JUST ABOUT EVERYONE WHO KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT PLANES MAKING FUN OF NEW IRANIAN STEALTH JET

TUNISIAN POLITICAL CRISIS WORSENS FOLLOWING ASSASSINATION AND DESPITE INDIFFERENCE FROM THE WORLD

IRAN REJECTS U.S. NUCLEAR TALK OFFER WHICH WASN’T REALLY OFFERED AT ALL

FRANCE JUST KILLING EVERYONE THEY THINK IS A BAD GUY IN MALI WHICH IS WHAT THEY SAID THEY WOULD DO

AHMADINEJAD SAYS IRAN IS ALREADY A NUCLEAR STATE BECAUSE HE HAS VERY LOW STANDARDS

AHMADINEJAD MAKES HISTORY OF HIS OWN CREATION DURING VISIT TO EGYPT

NORTH KOREA THREATENS EVERYONE WITH MORE STUFF JUST LIKE IT DOES ON TUESDAYS

ISRAELI STRIKE ON SYRIAN MISSILE CONVOY JUST HAPPENED TO HIT TOP SECRET RESEARCH LAB

BASHAR ASSAD SAYS ISRAEL HAS DESTABILIZED HIS NATION, DESTABILIZED SYRIA, SERIOUSLY

SYRIAN OPPOSITION MEETS WITH RUSSIA TO DISCUSS THINGS THEY AREN’T GOING TO AGREE ON

FRANCOIS HOLLANDE TO VISIT MALI JUST TO RUB IT IN

ISRAEL TELLS SYRIA THEY MAY STRIKE AGAIN, REALLY WHENEVER THEY WANT, BECAUSE THEY CAN

REBELS IN MALI REALLY NOT IN GOOD SHAPE AND WERE NEVER REALLY THAT TOUGH TO BEGIN WITH

UN SAYS ISRAELI SETTLEMENTS VIOLATE PALESTINIAN RIGHTS JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE HAS BEEN TELLING THEM

ISRAEL ATTACKS SYRIAN CONVOY BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE BEEN DOING SOMETHING WRONG

GREECE SAYS THEIR ECONOMY WILL BE BETTER THAN EVER NEXT YEAR, YOU JUST WATCH AND SEE

EGYPTIAN ARMY CHIEF WARNS COUNTRY IS ON VERGE OF COLLAPSE SO HE SHOULD JUST TAKE CHARGE

ISRAEL NO LONGER INTERESTED IN HUMAN RIGHTS, AT LEAST NOT ON UN TERMS

NOT EVEN RUSSIA REALLY SUPPORTING BASHAR ASSAD ANYMORE, WELL KIND OF, SORT OF, POSSIBLY

FRENCH TROOPS ENTER TIMBUKTU WHICH SERIOUSLY IS A REAL PLACE IN MALI

ISRAEL SAYS IT MAY STRIKE SYRIA TO STOP SPREAD OF CHEMICAL WEAPONS OR TO GET ATTENTION, EITHER WAY

NORTH KOREA ISSUES IT’S VAGUEST WARNING TO THE WORLD YET

IRAN SAYS AN ATTACK ON SYRIA IS AN ATTACK ON IRAN WHICH SHOULDN'T DISSUADE ANYONE

BRAZILIAN CLUB GOERS STILL HAD A GOOD TIME DESPITE MASSIVE FIRE THAT KILLED 245

THE UNITED NATIONS REALLY, REALLY WANTS TO START FIGHTING IN THE CONGO

EGYPTIANS NOW REBELLING AGAINST SOCCER VERDICTS AND KILL A BUNCH MORE PEOPLE

FRENCH FORCES TAKE KEY AIRPORT IN MALI SO EASILY NO ONE IS SURE WHY THIS COUNTRY WAS EVEN A CONCERN

CHINESE AND JAPANESE LEADERS MEET TO DISCUSS THOSE SILLY ISLANDS THEY KEEP FIGHTING OVER

UN INVESTIGATING DRONE STRIKES BECAUSE THEY NEED SOMETHING TO DO

NORTH KOREA NOW THREATENS SOUTH KOREA, AGAIN LIKE IT MATTERS

NORTH KOREA PLANNING THIRD NUCLEAR TEST AND THREATENS THE U.S. JUST LIKE IT STILL MATTERS

NICOLAS SARKOZY PLANS TO LEAVE FRANCE TO AVOID TAXES, AND OF COURSE CORRUPTION CHARGES

CANADIAN OFFICIALS INVESTIGATING ALGERIAN HOSTAGE CLAIMS TO SEE IF THEY CAN AVOID RESPONSIBILITY

ISRAELIS GO TO THE POLLS DESPITE EVERYONE KNOWING THE OUTCOME BEFOREHAND

FRANCE SEIZES TWO TOWNS IN MALI AND MAY NEVER GIVE THEM UP

THAT ROCKET NORTH KOREA LAUNCHED INTO SPACE, THAT WAS MADE IN SOMEONE’S BACKYARD

HUGO CHAVEZ GAINING STRENGTH AND POWER AND WILL ONE DAY BECOME INVINCIBLE

COLOMBIAN FARC REBELS END CEASEFIRE AFTER MONTHS OF NOT REALLY TRYING

ALGERIAN FORCES SAY THEY DIDN’T KILL EVERY HOSTAGE TAKER AT GAS PLANT

BURMA WANTS TO AND MANAGES TO STOP VIOLENCE IN KACHIN PROVINCE WHICH IS WEIRD FOR BURMA

ALGERIAN MILITARY JUST KILLS EVERYONE ELSE AT GAS PLANT

MORE EVIDENCE OF MASSACRE IN SYRIA APPEARS JUST BY LOOKING AROUND

REBELS IN MALI FLEE TOWNS DESPITE IT BEING THE FRENCH WHO ARE ATTACKING THEM

ALGERIAN FORCES DIDN’T QUITE KILL ALL THE HOSTAGES YESTERDAY BUT WILL BE GOING IN FOR THE REST

IAEA PRETENDS TO BE SURPRISED AT LACK OF PROGRESS IN NUCLEAR TALKS WITH IRAN

NO ONE KILLED DURING FUNERAL FOR PKK LEADER SAKINE CANSIZ WHICH IS KIND OF A SURPRISE

FRENCH MILITARY ACTUALLY BOOSTS TROOP NUMBERS IN MALI TO PROVE THEY AREN’T GIVING UP

ALGERIAN FORCES KILL A BUNCH AND FREE A BUNCH OF HOSTAGES WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE IT TO ALGERIAN FORCES

QATAR NOW TRYING TO INVOLVE ITSELF IN AFGHAN PEACE PROCESS LIKE RIGHT AT THE END OF EVERYTHING

FRENCH TROOPS ACTUALLY FIGHTING MILITANTS IN MALI, LIKE WITH GUNS AND STUFF

INDIA AND PAKISTAN AGREE TO DE-ESCALATE IN KASHMIR AND NOT ANNIHILATE ONE ANOTHER

FOREIGNERS ABDUCTED IN ALGERIA WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GO TO ALGERIA

BASHAR ASSAD SAFE AND SOUND ABOARD WARSHIP THROUGHOUT CIVIL WAR

GERMANY’S ECONOMY SLOWS SHARPLY AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE GERMAN ECONOMY DOES BADLY

WAR NOT THE ONLY THING THAT SUCKS IN SYRIA AS HUMANITARIAN CRISIS UNFOLDS

CHINA NOW HAS MORE POLLUTION THAN IT KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH

REBELS IN MALI JUST KEEP CAPTURING TOWNS BECAUSE IT IS THE FRENCH WHO ARE ATTACKING THEM AFTER ALL

KATE MIDDLETON DUE TO GIVE BIRTH IN JULY JUST ABOUT THE TIME SHE WILL BE SICK OF BEING PREGNANT

COURT ORDERS NEW TRIAL FOR MUBARAK WHICH WILL FIND HIM JUST AS GUILTY

FRANCE STILL REALLY NOT PLAYING FAIR BY USING JETS TO ATTACK MILITANTS IN MALI

BRITAIN SENDS WARSHIPS, TROOPS, AND PLANES TO FALKLAND ISLANDS BECAUSE THEY ARE REAL SERIOUS ABOUT IT

SAUDI ARABIA APPOINTS WOMEN TO SHURA COUNCIL AFTER THEY PROMISE TO STAY QUIET

RUSSIA STILL WANTS BASHAR ASSAD TO STAY IN POWER DESPITE EVERYTHING

FRANCE SAYS IT IS READY TO STOP REBELS IN MALI IF THE UN WILL LET THEM

CHINA SENDS TROOPS TO BORDER WITH BURMA TO GO TO WAR WITH BURMA OR SOMETHING

JIMMY SAVILE ABUSE THING STILL GOING ON DESPITE HIM BEING DEAD FOR YEARS NOW

REBELS TAKE CONTROL OF SYRIAN AIRBASE WHICH THEY THINK IS REALLY IMPORTANT

OBAMA AND KARZAI MEET TO DISCUSS AFGHAN ENDGAME WHICH KARZAI WILL JUST LIE ABOUT

GREECE DIDN’T HAVE THE HIGHEST UNEMPLOYMENT RATE IN THE EU, SOMEHOW, BUT IT DOES NOW

PKK LEADER SAKINE CANSIZ SHOT DEAD IN PARIS BECAUSE SHE WAS A PKK LEADER

HUGO CHAVEZ WILL NOT BE SWORN IN ON INAUGURATION DAY OR ANY OTHER THE WAY IT’S GOING

A MILLION SYRIANS JUST GOING TO GO WITHOUT FOOD AFTER WORLD FOOD PROGRAM GIVES UP TRYING TO HELP

INDIAN TROOPS NOW SHOT DEAD IN KASHMIR IN BATTLE THAT IS LIKELY NOT GOING TO GO WELL

BASHAR ASSAD LIKELY THE ONLY ONE SURPRISED SYRIANS BRUSHED OFF PLEA TO DEFEND HIS REGIME

CHINESE JOURNALISTS STRIKE OVER CENSORSHIP BECAUSE THEY APPARENTLY DON’T CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO THEIR FAMILIES

PALESTINE TO BE USED AS OFFICIAL NAME WHETHER HATERS LIKE IT OR NOT

TENSIONS BETWEEN INDIA AND PAKISTAN FLARE UP YET AGAIN

BASHAR ASSAD CALLS ON SYRIANS TO DEFEND THEIR COUNTRY THOUGH HE DIDN’T REALLY SAY WHO FROM

CHINA COMPLAINING ABOUT COLDEST WINTER IN DECADES EVEN THOUGH IT’S NOT REALLY THAT COLD

HUGO CHAVEZ MAY BE ABLE TO RULE WHETHER HE IS CONSCIOUS OR NOT

HUGO CHAVEZ NOW APPARENTLY HAS A LUNG INFECTION, SO THEY SAY

HARDLY ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION TO CENSORSHIP PROTESTS BY CHINESE JOURNALISTS

NATO FINALLY SENDS PATRIOT MISSILES TO TURKEY LIKE MONTHS AFTER SYRIA STOPPED ATTACKING

HUGE FATAH RALLY IN GAZA KIND OF RUINS HAMAS’ WEEKEND

ARGENTINE PRESIDENT DEMANDS RETURN OF FALKLAND ISLANDS IN A COMPLETELY SERIOUS LETTER

FIERCE FIGHTING AT SYRIAN AIRPORTS UNLIKELY TO RETURN ATTENTION TO CONFLICT

SYRIAN CRISIS KILLS 60,000 PEOPLE BUT WHO’S COUNTING ANYMORE REALLY

HUGO CHAVEZ PRESIDENCY AND LIFE ON LITERAL LIFE SUPPORT

INDIA STARTS HANDING OUT CASH TO POOR PEOPLE TO MAKE THEM NOT AS POOR

VENEZUELAN GOVERNMENT ACTUALLY ADMITS THAT HUGO CHAVEZ IS IN BAD SHAPE

PARIS TO SHUT OFF LIGHTS BECAUSE THEY JUST CAN’T AFFORD ELECTRICTY ANYMORE

CENTRAL AFRICAN REPUBLIC PRESIDENT PROMISES COALITION GOVERNMENT AS REBELS GET READY TO TAKE HIM OUT

MOHAMMED MORSI APPEALS FOR EGYPTIAN UNITY AND SOUNDS KIND OF SINCERE

CENTRAL AFRICAN REPUBLIC REBELS CLOSE IN ON CAPITAL BECAUSE NO ONE WILL HELP THE GOVERNMENT

FRENCH COURT REJECTS MILLIONAIRE TAX BY ACTUALLY STANDING UP TO AUTHORITY

INDIAN RAPE VICTIM DIES PROMPTING EVEN MORE IRONIC VIOLENCE IN DELHI

RUSSIA READY TO ENGAGE SYRIAN REBELS IN DISCUSSIONS BECAUSE THEY REALLY HAVEN’T BEEN PAYING ATTENTION

CENTRAL AFRICAN REPUBLIC ASKS FOR HELP FROM FRANCE AND U.S. TO STOP REBELS BECAUSE THEIR ARMY SUCKS

VICE PRESIDENT SAYS HUGO CHAVEZ IS UP AND WALKING AROUND AND IS JUST FINE AFTER SURGERY

MOHAMMED MORSI REALLY THRILLED WITH NEW CONSTITUTION BECAUSE HE WROTE IT AND EVERYTHING

SYRIAN MILITARY POLICE CHIEF DEFECTS FOR WHATEVER GOOD THAT WILL DO ANYONE

IRAN STILL BEING HIT BY STUXNET VIRUS BECAUSE THEY SUCK AT COMPUTERS

PRINCE HARRY MAY BE IN MORE TROUBLE THAN HE WAS AFTER VEGAS WITH KILLING OF TALIBAN COMMANDER

SYRIAN PEACE ENVOY MEETS WITH BASHAR ASSAD BECAUSE HE MIGHT AS WELL TRY TO DO HIS JOB

SOUTH KOREA SAYS THE NORTH HAS THE U.S. IN MISSILE RANGE BECAUSE THEY CAN’T STOP THEM WITHOUT U.S. HELP

NORWAY URGES THE U.K. TO STAY IN THE E.U. BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO NORWAY

VENEZUELAN CONGRESS HAS NO INTEREST IN ANOTHER ELECTION EVEN IF HUGO CHAVEZ DIES

EGYPTIAN CONSTITUTION PASSES BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY THE WAY THE MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD WANTED IT TO GO

RUSSIA SAYS SYRIA IS SAFEGUARDING CHEMICAL WEAPONS FOR THEIR OWN USE

EGYPTIAN VICE PRESIDENT QUITS OVER CONSTITUTION BEFORE THE THING EVEN PASSES

EGYPTIANS RIOTING, YET AGAIN, BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO VOTE AGAIN ON THE CONSTITUTION

JULIAN ASSANGE CONTINUES TO THREATEN DOCUMENT RELEASES DESPITE NO ONE LISTENING ANY MORE

ACTUAL MAYANS NOT WORRIED ABOUT THE APOCALYPSE BECAUSE IT’S ALL PRETTY SILLY REALLY

NORTH KOREAN SATELLITE OUT OF CONTROL IN SPACE TO ABSOLUTELY NO ONE’S SURPRISE

SYRIAN REBELS MAKE FRESH GAINS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT DO ANYTHING FOR THEIR CAUSE

IRAQI PRESIDENT JALAL TALABANI IN COMA FOLLOWING STROKE CAUSED BY BEING PRESIDENT OF IRAQ

SYRIAN OFFICIALS BELIEVE NEITHER SIDE CAN WIN THE WAR ESPECIALLY NOT THE REBEL SIDE

IRAN THINKS THE WORLD IS GOING TO START A WAR OVER PATRIOT MISSILES IN TURKEY AND OVER THEM

EGYPTIANS VOTE INTO THE NIGHT IN CONSTITUTION REFERENDUM JUST LIKE THEIR VOTES COUNT

HUGO CHAVEZ PROBABLY GOING TO DIE FROM CANCER SAY DOCTORS WHO HATE HIM AND READ NEWSPAPERS

INQUEST INTO LITVINENKO MURDER INDICATES HE WAS WORKING FOR MI6 WHICH IS AWFULLY CONVENIENT

NORTH KOREAN SATELLITE STILL IN ORBIT, LIKE IN SPACE NOT IN THE OCEAN

RUSSIA NOW KIND OF THROWING SUPPORT BEHIND SYRIAN REBELS, AT LEAST FOR TODAY

SYRIAN GOVERNMENT NOW FIRING SCUD MISSILES AT PEOPLE WHICH REALLY SHOULDN’T BE A SURPRISE

VERY FEW PEOPLE OFFERING HUGO CHAVEZ THEIR BEST ON HIS DIFFICULT RECOVERY

NORTH KOREA ACTUALLY MANAGES TO LAUNCH THAT ROCKET LIKE INTO THE AIR AND EVERYTHING

NELSON MANDELA HAS LUNG INFECTION SO EVERYONE WAS LYING ALL THIS TIME ABOUT HIS HOSPITAL STAY

NEW ZEALAND OFFICALS FIND DESIGN FLAWS IN BUILDINGS THAT COLLAPSED DURING 2011 EARTHQUAKE

DOMINIQUE STRAUSS-KAHN FINALIZES SETTLEMENT WITH MAID TO WHOM HE DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

EGYPT GIVES THE ARMY THE POWER TO DO WHATEVER IT WANTS

RUSSIA DENIES IT IS ABANDONING SYRIAN SUPPORT DESPITE ABANDONING SYRIAN SUPPORT

HUGO CHAVEZ ADMITS HE HAS CANCER AGAIN AND NAMES SUCCESSOR BECAUSE HE DOESN’T THINK HE WILL LIVE

NORTH KOREA MAY DELAY ROCKET LAUNCH BECAUSE THEY GOT THE ATTENTION THEY WANTED WITHOUT IT

MORSI GIVES UP FAR-REACHING POWERS BUT EVERYONE’S REALLY INTO PROTESTING HIM NOW AND MAY NOT STOP

JAPAN GETTING ITSELF ALL WORKED UP OVER NORTH KOREAN ROCKET LAUNCH THAT WILL FAIL ANYWAYS

U.K. ISSUES WARNINGS ON SYRIAN CHEMICAL WEAPONS LIKE DAYS AFTER THE U.S. AND EVEN THE U.N.

EGYPTIAN ARMY VOWS TO DEFEND NATION AGAINST PROTESTORS, GOVERNMENT, AND ANYONE EXCEPT THE ARMY

GERMAN ECONOMY MAY BE HEADED INTO RECESSION BECAUSE THEY KEEP GIVING THEIR MONEY TO GREECE

SYRIAN REBELS TRYING TO CAPTURE DAMASCUS AIRPORT AHEAD OF CHEMICAL WEAPONS ATTACK THAT WILL KILL THEM ALL

HAMAS LEADER VISITS GAZA TO SEE THE OTHER PEOPLE HE TERRORIZES

KATE MIDDLETON NURSE FOUND DEAD IN SUICIDE MOST FOUL

IN WAKE OF PROTESTS EGYPT ERECTS BARRIERS TO PREVENT THE PRESIDENT FROM BEING MURDERED

SYRIA LOADS CHEMICAL WEAPONS INTO BOMBS WHICH LIKELY MEANS THEY ARE GOING TO USE THEM

HUGO CHAVEZ MAY HAVE SUFFERED RAPID DECLINE IN HEALTH WHICH IS GREAT FOR PEOPLE WHO HATE HIM

GREECE VOTED MOST CORRUPT NATION IN EU WHICH IS SOMETHING THEY HAVE WON

BASHAR ASSAD EYEING RETIREMENT RETREATS IN CUBA AND VENEZUELA

ISRAEL THINKS EVERYONE IS AGAINST THEM ON NEW SETTLEMENTS WHICH IS ACTUALLY KIND OF TRUE

TYPHOON IN PHILIPPINES KILLS AT LEAST 283 MAKING IT MUCH WORSE THAN ANYONE CARED FOR IT TO BE

SYRIA DOESN’T SOUND PARTICULARLY SCARED ABOUT CHEMICAL WEAPON WARNINGS FROM U.S. AND NATO

IRAN CAPTURES U.S. DRONE THAT WAS NEVER SENT OUT WHICH IS KIND OF WEIRD

MOHAMMED MORSI FORCED FROM OFFICES AFTER PROTESTS IN EGYPT JUST GOT REAL

PRINCE WILLIAM KEEPING VIGIL OVER PREGNANT KATE MIDDLETON HE MADE SICK WITH HIS LOVING

U.S. EXPRESSES GROWING FEARS THAT SYRIA WILL USE CHEMICAL WEAPONS BUT STILL WON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT

NORTH KOREA INSTALLS LONG-RANGE MISSILE BASE WHICH THEY HOPE TO USE TO LAUNCH MISSILES FURTHER THAN THE OCEAN

ISRAEL PRESSING AHEAD WITH SETTLEMENT PLANS DESPITE INTERNATIONAL OPPOSTION BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT PEACE

WILLIAM AND KATE PREGNANT WHICH IS NOT THE GREAT NEWS FOR HARRY

SUICIDE BOMBERS KILL 5 AT AFGHAN MILITARY BASE WHICH IS SOMETHING THAT STILL HAPPENS APPARENTLY

MAHMOUD ABBAS PROCLAIMS JERUSALEM THE CAPITAL OF PALESTINE WHICH ISN’T REALLY A SURPRISE WHATSOEVER

NEW MEXICAN PRESIDENT SET TO BE INAUGURATED SO HE CAN OFFICIALLY DO NOTHING ABOUT DRUG TRADE

RUSSIAN OFFICIALS ANNOYED THEY ARE BEING FORCED TO DENY PUTIN’S HEALTH PROBLEMS ARE PREVENTING HIM FROM WORKING

ISLAMISTS START REVOLUTION FOR MOHAMMED MORSI IN EGYPT FOLLOWING DAYS OF PROTESTS AGAINST HIM

MILAN OVERWHELMED WITH EXORCISM REQUESTS BECAUSE THE DEVIL OR MORONS ARE VERY ACTIVE THERE

HUGO CHAVEZ MAY HAVE CANCER AGAIN OR ALWAYS DID THANKS TO THE CAPITALISTS

UN RECOGNIZES PALESTINE OR NOT OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES

UN VOTING ON THE WHOLE PALESTINIAN ISSUE WHETHER ANYONE LIKES IT OR NOT

EGYPT READY TO WORK OUT THAT CONSTITUTION THING TO STOP ALL THE RIOTING

U.K. MAY ABSTAIN FROM PALESTINIAN STATEHOOD VOTE BECAUSE IT’S EASIER THAN TAKING A POSITION

FRANCE SUPPORTING PALESTINIAN UN BID WHICH MAY NOT DERAIL THE EFFORT

YASSER ARAFAT RESURRECTED, ER, EXHUMED FROM GRAVE

EU MEETING AGAIN TO DISCUSS GREECE BAILOUT WHICH THEY CLEARLY DON’T WANT TO DO

ISRAEL AND HAMAS START NEW TALKS OVER CEASEFIRE NOW THAT THE FIRING HAS ACTUALLY CEASED

EHUD BARAK LEAVING ISRAELI CABINET PERHAPS BECAUSE HE HAS A CONSCIENCE

PRINCE CHARLES AFRAID HE IS RUNNING OUT OF TIME UNLESS HE DOES SOMETHING DRASTIC

CATALONIA VOTING ON SPLIT FROM SPAIN WHICH REALLY MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA AT THIS STAGE

MOHAMMED MORSI REACHES OUT TO CRITICS TO GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE TO STOP THEIR CRITICISM

IRAN ALREADY REARMING HAMAS WHICH WILL HELP WITH THE NEXT FIGHT WITH ISRAEL

TURKEY SKIRTING SANCTIONS ON IRAN BECAUSE THEY WANT THEM TO HAVE NUKES

CONGOLESE OFFICIALS WILLING TO LISTEN TO REBEL COMPLAINTS NOW THAT THEY HAVE TAKEN HALF THE COUNTRY

YASSER ARAFAT TO BE EXHUMED ON TUESDAY TO INVESTIGATE POISON CLAIM, START POSSIBLE RESURRECTION

EGYPT STARTS ANNUAL REVOLUTION OVER NEW PRESIDENTIAL POWERS

FRANCE MAY SUPPORT PALESTINIAN STATEHOOD BID WHICH IS ONE AT LEAST

UN READY TO USE DRONES ONCE EVERY COUNTRY VOTES YES OF COURSE

EU BUDGET SUMMIT ENDS WITHOUT DEAL WHICH COULD HAVE BEEN ACCOMPLISHED WITHOUT ALL THE EXPENSE

EGYPTIAN PRESIDENT MORSI DEFENDS NEW POWERS AND EXPECTS NO ARGUMENT WHATSOEVER

SYRIAN REBELS CAPTURE ARMY BASE THAT IS KEY TO THEM BUT LIKELY WON’T CHANGE A THING

CEASEFIRE IN GAZA HOLDS, FOR NOW, AFTER BOTHS SIDES ACTUALLY CEASE FIRING

ISRAEL AND HAMAS AGREE ON CEASEFIRE BUT WILL STILL ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW, HAVE TO CEASE FIRING

CEASEFIRE BETWEEN ISRAEL AND HAMAS LASTS ABOUT AS LONG AS THESE THINGS DO, LIKE MINUTES

RECESSION HITS AFGHAN POPPY PRODUCTION WITH OUTPUT DOWN A THIRD

FRANCE STRIPPED OF AAA CREDIT RATING WHICH IS SOMETHING THAT REALLY SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED MONTHS AGO

U.K. RECOGNIZES SYRIAN OPPOSITION WHICH IS SOMETHING THEY HAVE DONE IN SYRIA

HAMAS AND ISRAEL AGREE TO CEASEFIRE WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT GO INTO EFFECT ON TUESDAY

EU BUDGET SUMMIT ON VERGE OF COLLAPSE BECAUSE THEY JUST DON’T CARE ANYMORE

BAN KI-MOON CALLS FOR GAZA CEASEFIRE JUST LIKE PEOPLE LISTEN TO HIM

OBAMA URGES BURMA TO CONTINUE REFORMS WHICH IS WHAT THEY ARE DOING DUDE, SERIOUSLY

THOUSANDS IN FRANCE MARCH AGAINST SAME-SEX MARRIAGE SHOWING THE FRENCH AREN’T ALL THAT ENLIGHTENED AFTER ALL

ISRAEL AND EGYPT START PEACE TALKS OVER GAZA DESPITE NO ONE WANTING PEACE

ISRAEL MOBILIZES RESERVISTS TO TRY AND SCARE HAMAS OR LAUNCH INVASION OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

HAMAS EXPLODING WITH ANGER, AND ISRAELI MISSILES, IN LATEST STRIKES IN REGION

IRAN FINALLY READY TO DOUBLE URANIUM ENRICHMENT AT SECRET FACILITY

THE HAGUE ACQUITS TWO CROAT GENERALS BECAUSE THE WHOLE ICC THING IS SCREWED UP

HAMAS LAUNCHES ROCKETS INTO TEL AVIV, JERUSALEM, AND JUST ABOUT EVERYWHERE ELSE THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN EXPECTED

EUROZONE DIPS INTO RECESSION AS OPPOSED TO WHATEVER IT WAS IN BEFORE

FRANCE PUSHING TO GIVE ARMS TO SYRIAN REBELS, JUST GIVE THEM AWAY

NEW CHINESE LEADER XI JINPING LIKELY TO BE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AS THE LAST GUY

HAMAS RETURNS ISRAELI FIRE WITH FIRE WHICH IS EXACTLY THE WAY IT HAD TO GO

ISRAELI ATTACK KILLS HAMAS LEADER AND PROMISES PLENTY MORE KILLING TO COME FROM BOTH SIDES

ARAFAT’S TOMB SEALED OFF IN MOST ELABORATE EXHUMATION IN HUMAN HISTORY

VLADIMIR PUTIN ORDERS ARREST OF ANYONE WHO SUGGESTS HE MIGHT HAVE A BAD BACK

BRITAIN RELEASES AL-QAEDA CLERIC ABU QATADA FROM JAIL BECAUSE THEY WANT ANOTHER 9-11 ATTACK

PALESTINIANS WASTING THEIR TIME TRYING FOR ANOTHER STATEHOOD THING WITH THE UN

EGYPTIAN JIHADIST CALLS FOR DESTRUCTION OF SPHINX AND PYRAMIDS WHICH OF COURSE ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN

GREECE BAILOUT EXTENSION WILL COST 32 BILLION MORE WHICH IS JUST FINE BY GREECE

NATO READY TO DEFEND TURKEY IF SYRIAN BORDER ATTACKS CONTINUE AND THAT MEANS US

SYRIAN REBELS AGREE TO COALITION THAT WILL INEVITABLY COLLAPSE AND CREATE INFIGHTING

ISRAEL RESPONDS TO ERRANT SYRIAN SHELLS IN THE MOST ISRAELI WAY POSSIBLE BY ATTACKING SYRIA

GAZA FLARE UP KILLS A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHICH IS WHAT IT ALWAYS KIND OF DOES

IRAQ CANCELS RUSSIAN ARMS DEAL OVER CORRUPTION EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE SEEN COMING

BRITAIN DONE WITH HELPING INDIA ONCE AND FOR ALL COME 2015

GREECE SAYS CASH RESERVES ALMOST DEPLETED WHICH THEY THINK IS NEWS OR SOMETHING TO THE WORLD

SYRIAN REBELS ATTACK ASSAD STRONGHOLDS IN DAMASCUS BECAUSE THEY MIGHT AS WELL AT THIS STAGE

GREEKS SURPRISE EVERYONE BY HOLDING STRIKE TO PROTEST AUSTERITY MEASURES

UN ENVOY SAYS SYRIA COULD BECOME NEXT SOMALIA AND SOMALIA IS LIKE HEY, DON’T INVOLVE US IN THIS

SYRIAN REBELS CAPTURE OIL FIELD THAT THE GOVERNMENT WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM BLOWING UP

UGANDA WITHDRAWS SUPPORT FOR SOMALIA BECAUSE THEY WOULD RATHER ARM THE PEOPLE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FIGHTING

SYRIAN REBELS ATTACK KEY GOVERNMENT AIRBASE IN OFFENSIVE THAT WILL CHANGE NOTHING

THREE SYRIAN TANKS CROSS INTO GOLAN HEIGHTS WHICH MEANS WAR WITH ISRAEL, OBVIOUSLY

WORLD BANK TO LEND MONEY TO BURMA FOR FIRST AND PROBABLY LAST TIME IN YEARS

EVERYONE IN SYRIA MAY HAVE COMMITTED WAR CRIMES ACCORDING TO THE UN

AMSTERDAM MARIJUANA BAN REJECTED BY MAYOR FOR, WELL, PRETTY OBVIOUS REASONS

ARGENTINA LOWERS VOTING AGE BECAUSE PRESIDENT FERNANDEZ WANTS THE VOTES

HURRICANE SANDY CREATES FRESH FOOD SHORTAGES IN HAITI JUST LIKE LAST WEEK AND THE WEEK BEFORE

SYRIAN FIGHTER PILOTS STILL NOT GETTING BORED OF BOMBING REBEL POSITIONS WHICH THEY DID AGAIN TODAY

TONY BLAIR SAYS THE E.U. NEEDS AN ELECTED PRESIDENT, SOMETHING HE COULD PROBABLY HANDLE

SYRIAN AIR FORCE GENERAL KILLED BY REBELS IN STRIKE THAT WILL NOT CHANGE A SINGLE SOLITARY THING

IRAN THREATENS TO RELEASE SPY PICTURES OF INTIMATE ISRAELI FACILITIES

SURPRISE SURPRISE, SYRIA BLOWS UP A BUNCH OF STUFF IN DAMASCUS

ISRAEL RATTLED BY ANTI-SEMITISM FROM EGYPT DESPITE THAT COMING FROM ALMOST EVERY COUNTRY

OF COURSE GARY GLITTER IS WRAPPED UP IN JIMMY SAVILE CASE, OF COURSE

CHINESE PREMIER REJECTS CLAIMS HE IS WEALTHY PROBABLY BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO SHARE

PAKISTANI CRICKET LEGEND IMRAN KHAN BEING CONSULTED ON U.S. DRONE STRIKES

SYRIAN EID CEASEFIRE REALLY NOT GOING WELL OR AT ALL REALLY

UN WARNS BURMA OVER FRESH VIOLENCE BECAUSE THAT HAS WORKED SO WELL IN THE PAST

SILVIO BERLUSCONI SENTENCED TO FOUR YEARS IN PRISON WHERE THERE ARE NO UNDERAGED GIRLS

SYRIAN EID CEASEFIRE INTERRUPTED BY THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF A CEASEFIRE, EXPLOSIONS

U.S. AND SOUTH KOREA STILL UNSURE ABOUT WHETHER KIM JONG UN IS A NUT OR NOT

DEATH TOLL RISES IN BURMESE CLASHES BUT INVOLVES NO ONE IMPORTANT

POLICE NOW BELIEVE JIMMY SAVILE WAS VERY BAD MAN, CREEPS AND WEIRDOS FEEL DIFFERENTLY

HURRICANE SANDY GETS READY TO WIPE AWAY, WELL, NOT MUCH FROM JAMAICAN STREETS

SYRIAN GOVERNMENT AGREES TO STOP KILLING PEOPLE FOR ONE DAY AND ONE DAY ONLY FOR EID

SERBIA AND KOSOVO GOING TO FIGHT ANOTHER WAR OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT OVER THERE WHEREVER THEY ARE

PEOPLE STEALING NIGERIAN OIL ALL UP IN HERE OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES

QATARI EMIR CALLS FOR PALESTINIAN UNITY BUT OF COURSE WON’T HELP WITH THAT OR ANYTHING

BBC OFFICIALS STILL TRYING TO PROTECT PEOPLE WHO TRIED TO PROTECT SEX ABUSER JIMMY SAVILE

ITALY CONVICTS SCIENTISTS FOR NOT PREDICTING EARTHQUAKE BECAUSE ITALY IS FULL OF LUNATICS

LEBANON NOW LIKELY GOING TO HAVE REBELLION FOLLOWING CAR BOMB ATTACK

PUTIN READY TO DO WHATEVER HE WANTS WITH NUCLEAR WEAPONS BECAUSE HE IS PUTIN

ANGER CONTINUES OVER BEIRUT BOMB VICTIMS DESPITE THAT KIND OF THING HAPPENING ALL THE TIME

UN PEACE ENVOY BEGINS PEACE TALKS IN SYRIA AND IS NOT JOKING, REALLY

RWANDA EARNS SPOT ON UN SECURITY COUNCIL, RWANDA, WHICH SHOWS WHY THE VETO EXISTS

FIDEL CASTRO EITHER NEAR DEATH OR JUST FINE FOLLOWING POSSIBLE STROKE OR NOTHING AT ALL

SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT CALLS ON STRIKING MINERS TO RETURN TO WORK OR, WELL, THEY KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN

COLOMBIA FINALLY DECIDES TO NEGOTIATE PEACE TREATY WITH FARC WHICH WILL LIKELY END IN A FIGHT

IRAN QUESTIONS HOW LONG U.S. CAN REMAIN WORLD POWER DESPITE NO ONE ASKING THEIR OPINION

GERMANY OFFERS FINAL ECONOMIC SOLUTION TO REST OF EU NATIONS

LAWYERS STILL LOOKING INTO WAYS TO PROVE YASSER ARAFAT WAS POISONED, PROBABLY BY ISRAEL

KARADZIC DENIES WAR CRIMES TO COURT BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO GO TO PRISON

BELGIUM DEALING WITH POSSIBLE SECESSION WHICH HAS BEEN A THING FOR A WHILE APPARENTLY

NO ONE AWARDED PRIZE FOR GOOD GOVERNSHIP IN AFRICA BECAUSE, WELL, OBVIOUSLY

DAVID CAMERON SIGNS DEAL TO ALLOW FOR SCOTTISH REFERENDUM VOTE WHICH WILL MEAN NOTHING AT ALL

IMF BACKS REQUEST FOR MORE TIME FROM GREECE DESPITE IT NOT ACTUALLY BEING THEIR MONEY GREECE IS USING

FIVE BRITISH MARINES CHARGED WITH MURDER MOST FOUL IN AFGHANISTAN

TURKEY BANS ALL SYRIAN FLIGHTS WHICH PRESUMABLY WILL INCLUDE FIGHTER JETS

UN ENVOY TO SYRIA GOES TO TURKEY TO TRY AND PREVENT WAR WHICH COULD BE EASILY AVOIDED

AMANDA TODD DEATH UNLIKELY TO DO ANYTHING TO STOP BULLIES UNLESS THEY ARE FORCED TO STOP

BOMBING IN PAKISTANI MARKET KILLS 15 FOR REALLY NO REASON AT ALL THIS TIME

OBSERVERS CONCERNED THAT TURKEY COULD GO TO WAR WITH SYRIA AFTER TURKEY SAID BASICALLY JUST THAT

EUROPEAN UNION RECEIVES NOBEL PEACE PRIZE FOR NOT SLAUGHTERING EACH OTHER OVER FINANCIAL CRISIS

OF COURSE PLANE GOING FROM RUSSIA TO SYRIA HAD ILLEGAL ARMS, THAT’S HOW THEY GET THEM TO SYRIA SILLY TURKEY

GREEK UNEMPLOYMENT SMASHES OLD RECORD SAY PEOPLE WITH JOBS

IRAN DENIES FALSE ACCUSATIONS OF SECRET PEACE DEAL TO END NUCLEAR STANDOFF

TURKEY TELLS SYRIA THAT IT WILL USE GREATER FORCE AND TURKEY REALLY DOESN’T KID AROUND

NORTH KOREA SAYS IT HAS MISSILES THAT CAN REACH THE U.S. WHICH OF COURSE IS A BALD-FACED LIE

INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT STILL DEBATING OVER LOCATION FOR SAIF GADDAFI TRIAL DESPITE HIS OBVIOUS GUILT

ANGELA MERKEL PLEDGES CONTINUED SUPPORT FOR GREECE SO LONG AS THEY DO WHAT SHE SAYS

SYRIAN REBELS BOMB GOVERNMENT INTELLIGENCE COMPLEX WHICH CLEARLY WASN’T DOING A GOOD JOB

WORLD BANK LOWERS FORECAST ON CHINA WHICH OF COURSE WILL NOT MAKE CHINA HAPPY

IRAN MAY HAVE A NUCLEAR WARHEAD IN A FEW MONTHS OR MAYBE NOT

HUGO CHAVEZ MORE OR LESS WINS ELECTION IN VENEZUELA

ANGELA MERKEL LIKELY TO FACE PROTESTS IN GREECE AFTER SAVING THAT STUPID COUNTRY FROM OBLIVION

HUGO CHAVEZ PUTTING ENOUGH PRESSURE ON VOTING BOOTHS TO ENSURE RE-ELECTION

ISRAEL SHOOTS DOWN DRONE DEEP INSIDE COUNTRY THAT MAY HAVE COME FROM LEBANON OF ALL PLACES

BOTH CHAVEZ AND CAPRILES MAKE RIDICULOUS COMMENTS TO VENEZUELAN VOTERS AHEAD OF SUNDAY ELECTION

NORTH KOREAN SOLDIER DEFECTS TO SOUTH IN MOVE THAT WILL CHANGE NOTHING

SOUTH AFRICAN MINING COMPANY FIRES STRIKING MINERS INSTEAD OF FIRING AT THEM

GERMANY FINALLY DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR JEWISH PEOPLE BY REVERSING CIRCUMCISION BAN

TURKEY IS GOING TO KEEP HITTING BACK IF YOU KEEP SHELLING THEM SYRIA, DEAL WITH IT

EUROPEAN LEADERS CONCERNED THAT THE CONTINENT MAY COLLAPSE FOLLOWING ROMNEY DEBATE VICTORY

FOUR PEACEKEEPERS KILLED IN DARFUR BUT THEY WEREN’T REALLY DOING ANYTHING ANYWAYS

TURKEY AUTHORIZES MILITARY ACTION IN SYRIA WHICH MEANS WE ALL HAVE TO FIGHT NOW

FLOODING IN NIGERIA BRINGS WILD ANIMALS INTO WHAT THEY WOULD CALL HOMES

DEADLY BLASTS RIP THROUGH PILES OF RUBBLE IN ALEPPO

IRAN PRESUMABLY BLAMING ISRAEL FOR COLLAPSE OF RIAL AND SUBSEQUENT RIOTS

HUGO CHAVEZ SAYS HIS OPPONENT IS BACKED BY THE MAFIA, DRUG TRAFFICKERS, TERRORISTS AND BAD PEOPLE IN GENERAL

NIGERIAN GUNMEN KILL 25 DESPITE MOST PEOPLE NOT CARING ABOUT DEAD NIGERIANS

NORTH KOREA SAYS IT IS ON VERGE OF NUCLEAR WAR WITH THE SOUTH BECAUSE IT LIKES THE ATTENTION

GEORGIA, THE OTHER GEORGIA, IN THE MIDST OF BIG SCANDAL AND ELECTION OR SOMETHING

HUGO CHAVEZ RIVAL PROMISES ANYTHING THAT WILL MAKE PEOPLE VOTE FOR HIM

SYRIA SAYS STATES BACKING REBELS ARE AIDING TERROR WHICH ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE REALLY

LIBYANS GIVE UP SOME OF THEIR ARMS IN COLLECTION DRIVE, THE ONES THAT DON’T WORK OBVIOUSLY

THEIN SEIN WOULD ACCEPT SUU KYI AS BURMESE PRESIDENT SO LONG AS NOTHING HAPPENS TO HER BEFORE THEN

PUTIN SUCCESSFULLY ROLLING BACK JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING MEDVEDEV SCREWED UP WHILE IN OFFICE

U.S. TO GIVE EGYPT $450 MILLION IN AID SO THEY DON’T TURN INTO RADICALIST LOONS

CLINTON OFFERS NEW AID PACKAGE TO WHOEVER IS WILLING TO CLAIM TO BE A REBEL IN SYRIA

FRANCE REVEALS NEW TAX THAT PRETTY MUCH TAKES EVERYONE’S MONEY AWAY

SYRIA MOVING CHEMICAL WEAPONS TO SAFE SPOT FOR LATER DEPLOYMENT

SPAIN IMPOSES NEW BUDGET RESTRICTIONS JUST TO DARE PEOPLE TO RIOT MORE, GO AHEAD DO IT

NETANYAHU BRINGS PROPS TO U.N. SPEECH AND MAKES THE RED LINE WITH IRAN VERY CLEAR

NETANYAHU PROMISES HARSH OVERREACTION TO AHMADINEJAD’S U.N. SPEECH

SOMALI PIRATES LEFT WITH LITTLE WORK AFTER CRACKDOWN ON PIRACY

AHMADINEJAD SAYS ALL KINDS OF WACKY THINGS IN U.N. SPEECH WHICH IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU INVITE HIM TO SPEAK

JAPAN NOW GETTING INTO A WATER FIGHT WAR WITH THE OTHER CHINA IN TAIWAN

HUGO CHAVEZ ACCUSED OF DIRTY ELECTION TRICKS WHICH OF COURSE HE DOESN’T REALLY DENY AT ALL

UN ENVOY ACTUALLY THINKS SYRIA CAN GET WORSE THAN IT ALREADY IS

EARLY LETTERS SHOW JOSEPH GOEBBELS MAY HAVE BEEN A JERK HIS WHOLE LIFE

SUDAN AND SOUTH SUDAN HOLD TALKS WITHOUT KILLING EACH OTHER

IRAN BLOWS UP SPY ROCKS NEAR PROBABLE NUCLEAR SITE

IRAN MAY STRIKE ISRAEL FIRST AND THINKS THAT WILL START WORLD WAR III BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL DEFEND IRAN, RIGHT

IRAN’S REVOLUTIONARY GUARD EXPECTS ISRAEL TO LAUNCH ATTACK WHICH ISN’T EXACTLY REVOLUTIONARY THINKING

PAKISTAN BREAKS RECORD FOR MOST PEOPLE KILLED IN EMBASSY RIOTS

ISLAMISTS WHO STORMED AMERICAN EMBASSY IN LIBYA GET TASTE OF EXACTLY THEIR OWN MEDICINE

HUGO CHAVEZ RE-ELECTION MAY BE IN TROUBLE BECAUSE OF SPENDING, CRIME, AND OF COURSE CANCER, CAN’T FORGET THAT

LIBYAN OFFICIALS ADMIT THEY DON’T HAVE ENOUGH POWER OR WILL TO FIND EMBASSY ATTACKERS

KENYAN OFFICIALS INVESTIGATING KIND OF MYSTERIOUS MASS GRAVE

UN CHIEF SAYS THERE IS NO MILITARY SOLUTION IN SYRIA SO THERE IS NO SENSE TRYING JUST LIKE HIM

BURMA NO LONGER UNDER SANCTIONS AND FREE TO DO PRETTY MUCH WHAT IT WANTS

GEORGIA SUSPENDS COUNTRY’S ENTIRE PRISON STAFF AND WILL ALLOW CRIMINALS TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES

ROYAL FAMILY LIKELY TO ORDER EVERYONE ASSOCIATED WITH KATE MIDDLETON PICTURES IMPRISONED FOR LIFE

THE FRENCH DECIDE THAT WITH EVERYTHING GOING ON NOW IS THE TIME TO PUBLISH CARTOON OF MOHAMMAD FOR MAX EXPOSURE

CHINESE GENERAL TELLS TROOPS TO PREPARE FOR COMBAT WITH JAPAN WHICH HAS NO ARMY

IRAN SAYS THE IAEA IS INFILTRATED BY TERRORISTS BUT THEY SAY CRAZY THINGS ALL THE TIME

NETANYAHU SAYS IRAN ONLY MONTHS AWAY FROM HAVING NUKES BECAUSE HE REALLY, REALLY WANTS WAR

GREEK PRIME MINISTER SAYS EXIT FROM EURO WOULD BE A CATASTROPHE HE KIND OF WANTS TO AVOID

U.S. DEFENCE CHIEF TELLS JAPAN AND CHINA TO JUST COOL IT OVER THOSE SILLY LITTLE ISLANDS

VLADIMIR PUTIN ADMITS HE JUST KIND OF FAKES BEING A TOUGH GUY

SOUTH AFRICA VOWS TO CLAMP DOWN ON MARIKANA MINERS JUST LIKE THEY DID BEFORE

PROTESTS FROM MUSLIMS AND FILM FANS CONTINUE OVER THAT STUPID MOVIE

KATE MIDDLETON SNAPPED TOPLESS BECAUSE THAT’S HOW ROYALS DO TODAY

AL QAEDA PLEDGES SUPPORT FOR U.S. IN OUSTING BASHAR ASSAD FROM SYRIA

OFFICIALS NOW BELIEVE LIBYAN EMBASSY ATTACK WAS PLANNED OR AT LEAST THEY WOULD PREFER IT THAT WAY

LIBYANS KILL U.S. AMBASSADOR BECAUSE THE PLACE IS STILL A DIRT HOLE

CHINA SENDING PATROL BOATS WITH ROCK THROWERS TO TAKE DISPUTED ISLANDS FROM JAPAN

SERBIA STILL JUST WAITING FOR OBSERVERS TO MOVE OUT AS KOSOVO IS DECLARED INDEPENDENT

DOCTOR WHO BETRAYED BIN LADEN FINALLY SPEAKS OUT

IRAQI VICE PRESIDENT REJECTS GUILTY VERDICT BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO BE EXECUTED

GEORGE SOROS SAYS GERMANY MUST LEAD EURO RECOVERY OR LEAVE THE PLANET FOREVER

CHINA VOWS TO CONTINUE GROWTH AND FIX THIS WHOLE ECONOMY THING

CLINTON SAYS U.S. AND RUSSIA HAVE DEEP DIFFERENCES ON SYRIA, LIKE DUH

SYRIAN FIGHTERS NOW KILLING CHILDREN IN IRAQ FOR SOME REASON

AHMADINEJAD AND NETANYAHU UNLIKELY TO WORK OUT THEIR DIFFERENCES WHEN THEY VISIT NEW YORK

PUTIN STARTING TO STOCKPILE ALL THE GOLD IN THE WORLD FOR MOTHER RUSSIA

NATO CHIEF CONSIDERING WAR OVER RELEASE OF COMMON CRIMINAL BY HUNGARY

ETHIOPIAN MAN MAY SUE THE U.K. OVER ABUSE WORSE THAN LIVING IN ETHIOPIA

PUTIN KILLS DOZENS BUT TEACHES ONE CRANE TO FLY DURING FLIGHT

GREEKS SURE AREN’T GOING TO LIKE THE IDEA OF WORKING LONGER WEEKS OR AT ALL REALLY

ALIEN MAMMALS STEADILY INVADING EUROPE AND THEY AREN’T DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT

GERMANY AND ISRAEL MARK ANNIVERSARY OF MUNICH MASSACRE WITHOUT RE-ENACTMENT

COWARDLY SPANIARDS PULLING THEIR CASH OUT OF THE COUNTRY

LEBANESE PEOPLE HATE NEW SMOKING BAN MORE THAN THEY HATE ISRAEL

TYPHOON KILLS 50 IN NORTH KOREA WHO LIKELY WOULD HAVE DIED OF STARVATION OTHERWISE

THANKS FRANCE FOR WARNING US ABOUT SYRIAN CHEMICAL WEAPONS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE HAS DONE FOR MONTHS

JORDAN WANTS ALL KINDS OF MONEY FOR TAKING CARE OF SYRIAN REFUGEES

U.S. HALTS TRAINING OF AFGHAN POLICE OFFICERS AS THEY JUST KEEP ON KILLING

RUSSIA DEVELOPING UNDERWATER SEA BASE TO ATTACK SPACE ALIENS

DESMOND TUTU CALLS FOR BUSH AND BLAIR TO BE TRIED OVER IRAQ WHICH IS NICE, OLD MAN

U.S. SCALES BACK MILITARY EXERCISES WITH ISRAEL TO GIVE IRAN A CHANCE TO CATCH A BREATH

SYRIAN FORCES KEEP LOWLY REBELS AWAY FROM AIR BASES WITH THEIR GIANT GUNS AND MISSILES

NORTH KOREA FINALLY MAKES SIGNIFICANT PROGRESS WITH THEIR NUCLEAR REACTORS

ARMENIA CUTS TIES WITH HUNGARY AND HUNGARY IS LIKE OK COOL

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU APPARENTLY BROUGHT LIGHTNING MACHINE TO MEETING OVER IRANIAN CRISIS

MAJOR QUAKE STRIKES OFF PHILIPPINES BUT NO ONE CARES ALL THAT MUCH

IRAN MANAGES TO DOUBLE URANIUM PRODUCTION DESPITE ALL THOSE PESKY SANCTIONS

SOUTH AFRICAN MINERS CHARGED WITH MURDER AFTER POLICE SHOT AND KILLED THEM

ASSAD ASKS THE WORLD TO GIVE HIM TIME TO DEFEAT THE REBELS WHICH THE WORLD DOESN’T WANT HIM TO DO

YULIA TYMOSHENKO STILL ACTUALLY THINKS SHE WILL BE RELEASED FROM JAIL IN UKRAINE

CRITICS LOOKING TO GO TO JAIL REVEAL PUTIN’S PRIVATE SECRETS

ASSAD VOWS TO FIGHT FOREIGN CONSPIRACY AGAINST HIM WHICH ISN’T REALLY A CONSPIRACY AT ALL

GERMANY SAYS GREECE HAS NO MORE TIME TO DISSUADE THEM FROM ACTING

TWO PUSSY RIOT MEMBERS FLEE RUSSIA RATHER THAN STAND AND FIGHT FOR THEIR PRINCIPLES

MASSACRE SHMASSACRE SAY SYRIAN AUTHORITIES AFTER SCORES OF BODIES FOUND NEAR DAMASCUS

NOW FRANCE THINKS IT CAN TELL GREECE WHAT TO DO WITH ITS MONEY

BASHAR ASSAD HAS BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN SYRIA THAT’S WHY HE’S STICKING AROUND AND KILLING PEOPLE

IRAN HIDING NUCLEAR SITES WITH VERY CLEVER GIANT PINK TARPS

MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD FINALLY STARTS TAKING COMPLETE AND TOTAL CONTROL OF EGYPT

GAMBIA URGED TO STOP PRISONER EXECUTIONS AND GAMBIA IS LIKE NO WAY MAN

JUDGE RULES ANDERS BEHRING BREIVIK SANE BY NORWEGIAN STANDARDS AND GIVES HIM CRAZY 21 YEAR SENTENCE

FRENCH GUNMAN MAY NOT HAVE BEEN WORKING ALONE SAY FRENCH OFFICIALS LOOKING TO SCARE PEOPLE

SAIF AL-ISLAM GADDAFI WILL FACE TRIAL IN SEPTEMBER DESPITE VERDICT ALREADY BEING DECIDED

RUSSIA SAYS CHEMICAL WEAPONS AN EXCUSE FOR THE U.S. TO INTERVENE IN SYRIA AND A PRETTY GOOD ONE

GREECE REALLY, REALLY TRYING SO SUPER HARD TO STABILIZE ECONOMY THEY SWEAR

IRAN BEGINS CONSTRUCTION OF MISSILE BASE WHICH THEY BETTER GET DONE FAST

PRINCE HARRY GETS ALL IN THE BOFFIN AND SHOWS HIS LANKY GOSSETS IN NUDE PICTURES

ETHIOPIA AS STABLE AS ETHIOPIA GETS FOLLOWING DEATH OF PRIME MINISTER

OBAMA THREATENS SYRIA, RUSSIA THREATENS AMERICA, AND SYRIA KEEPS ON KILLING

CANADIAN POLICE JUST CAN’T STOP FINDING LOOSE BODY PARTS

RUSSIAN AUTHORITIES VOW TO HUNT DOWN REMAINING MEMBERS OF PUSSY RIOT

PAKISTANI GIRL ACCUSED OF DESECRATING KORAN PROBABLY DIDN’T REALIZE PEOPLE WOULD GET WORKED ABOUT IT

KIM JONG-UN TELLS TROOPS TO PREPARE FOR SACRED WAR AGAINST, WELL, SOMEONE

WIKILEAKS ASSANGE SPEAKS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHS BEORE BEING CUT OFF

DEFIANT JAPANESE MORONS SET OUT FOR DISPUTED ISLANDS AND RISK WAR WITH CHINA

UN ASSIGNS LAKHDAR BRAHIMI TO WASTE HIS TIME TRYING TO CREATE PEACE IN SYRIA

MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD FINALLY STARTS CRUCIFIXIONS IN EGYPT

SOUTH AFRICANS STARTING TO GET A LITTLE UPSET OVER MASSACRE OF STRIKERS BY POLICE

SYRIAN ACTIVISTS FIND BODIES OUTSIDE DAMASCUS AND, WELL, JUST ABOUT EVERYWHERE ELSE

IRAN MAY WELL BE LOOKING FOR A FIGHT WITH ISRAEL AFTER LATEST INSULT

FINLAND PREPARES FOR THE END OF THE EURO AND EVERYONE ELSE IS LIKE COOL FINLAND, YOU GO DO THAT

ECUADOR GRANTS WIKILEAKS FOUNDER ASYLUM AND ALL THE WOMEN HE NEEDS

ISRAEL HAS ALREADY WORKED OUT EVERY DAY OF THIRTY DAY WAR WITH IRAN

UNITED NATIONS ENDS SYRIAN OBSERVER MISSION AFTER SEEING EVERYTHING THEY CAME TO SEE

IRAN CONFIDENT STUPID ISRAEL WON’T LAUNCH STUPID ATTACK LIKE STUPID HEADS

UN BLAMES SYRIAN GOVERNMENT FOR HOULA MASSACRE WHICH IS SENSIBLE BECAUSE THEY DID IT

RUSSIA STARTING TO COLLECT NUCLEAR SUBMARINES IN THE GULF OF MEXICO AGAIN

LIBYAN FIGHTERS JOIN SYRIAN REBELLION TO KIND OF HELP WITH THEIR THING

VENEZUELA PLANNING GUERILLA ARMY BECAUSE OF IMPENDING U.S. INVASION AND BECAUSE THEY’RE NUTS

PUTIN INCREASES MILITARY SPENDING TO SHOW EVERYONE HOW IT’S DONE

POLICE APPARENTLY COULD HAVE STOPPED NORWEGIAN SHOOTER EARLIER BUT JUST DIDN’T TRY

WELL OBVIOUSLY ISRAEL ISN’T OFFERING AID TO IRANIAN QUAKE VICTIMS

EGYPTIAN PRESIDENT ORDERS EVERYONE PLANNING MILITARY COUP TO RETIRE

U.S. NOT MAKING PLANS FOR SYRIAN ATTACK WITH TURKEY, NO, NOT AT ALL

U.S. STARTS CLEANING UP AGENT ORANGE DECADES AFTER EVERYONE THOUGHT IT HAD BEEN CLEANED UP

SYRIAN REBELS LOSE KEY DISTRICT OF ALEPPO THEY DIDN’T REALLY WANT ANYHOW

FRANCE MAY FORCE RICH PEOPLE TO GIVE UP ALL THEIR MONEY IN TAXES

SYRIAN MEDICINE SHORTAGE GOING EXACTLY TO GOVERNMENT PLANS

MANILA HAVING A WET AND WILD TIME WITH MASSIVE FLOODING ACROSS THE CITY

NOW IRAN THROWS SUPPORT BEHIND SYRIAN REGIME WHICH IS KIND OF SOMETHING MAYBE

GERMANY AND ITALY READY TO FIGHT IT OUT OVER THE EURO

GREECE SET TO DEPORT PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY TRIED TO GET INTO THE COUNTRY

BASHAR ASSAD PRETTY MUCH FIGHTING THE WAR BY HIMSELF AFTER PRIME MINISTER DEFECTS

CHINA ATTACKS CLINTON OVER THEIR CHANCE TO DESTROY AFRICA

TRUMAN’S GRANDSON VISITS HIROSHIMA AND MANAGES TO NOT BLOW UP ANYTHING EXCEPT THE MINI BAR

NORTH KOREA RAISES DEATH TOLL IN FLOODS TO GET MORE FOOD THEY WON’T GIVE TO PEOPLE

BRITAIN PROBABLY JUST GOING TO BLOW THE STUFFING OUT OF ARGENTINA IF THEY KEEP BANNING THEIR SHIPS

SYRIA REQUESTS AID FROM RUSSIA IN ORDER TO CONTINUE KILLING WOMEN AND CHILDREN

CLINTON HOPES IMPROVED DRONES WILL SUCCEED WHERE NO ONE ELSE HAS TRIED IN FINDING JOSEPH KONY

SON OF RUTHLESS DICTATOR OBIANG WILL HAVE TO FIND SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN PARIS FOR VACATION AFTER HOME SEIZED

TRAPPED BY TIME BUBBLE, UN SEES BATTLE FOR ALEPPO LOOMING JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE SAW IT TWO WEEKS AGO

KOFI ANNAN QUITS SYRIAN MISSION FOLLOWING ABJECT FAILURE

AHMADINEJAD SAYS STUFF ABOUT ISRAEL THAT ISN’T REALLY GOING TO HELP HIM MUCH

PUTIN NOW STARVING RUSSIAN PUNK BAND INTO SUBMISSION DURING TRIAL

NOW SYRIAN REBELS GETTING IN TROUBLE FOR FIGHTING BACK

FIGHTING IN ALEPPO TRAPS THOUSANDS WHICH WILL MAKE THEM EASIER TO KILL

SECOND BLACKOUT IN TWO DAYS LEAVES INDIA WITH AS MUCH POWER AS IT HAS CLEAN WATER

JAPAN MAY SEND EXTREMELY EFFEMINATE TROOPS TO DISPUTED ISLANDS

U.S. PRESENTS ISRAEL WITH STRIKE PLAN FOR IRAN WHICH GETS THEM ALL EXCITED

NORTH KOREAN FLOODS KILL 88 TRAITORS TO THE NATION IN JULY

SYRIA FINALLY STARTS DESTROYING ALEPPO AFTER DAYS OF ANTICIPATION

U.S. FEARS SYRIA IS PLOTTING MASSACRE IN ALEPPO JUST LIKE THEY HAVE DONE EVERYWHERE ELSE IN THE COUNTRY

SYRIAN TROOPS GETTING THEMSELVES ALL READY BEFORE DESTROYING ALEPPO

SCOTLAND READY TO GO TO WAR WITH ENGLAND OVER DECISION TO LEGALIZE GAY MARRIAGE

IRAN DEPLOYS WARSHIPS TO THE ATLANTIC IN EFFORT TO STEAL ATTENTION AWAY FROM SYRIA

KIM JONG UN RECRUITS WIFE TO HIS INNER CIRCLE AND UNDERGROUND FRITOS LAIR

SYRIAN WARPLANES NOW BLOWING UP ANOTHER MAJOR CITY

TAJIKISTAN CLASHES KILL TOO MANY TO COUNT ON TWO HANDS

NEW ATTACKS SHOW IRAQI INSURGENTS DOING JUST FINE WITH AMERICAN FORCES GONE

STUPID SYRIA NOW THREATENING TO USE CHEMICAL WEAPONS IF THEY ARE ATTACKED

PLEDGES TO REBUILD HAITI NOT BEING MET TO NO ONE’S SURPRISE

NORWAY MARKS FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF BREIVIK KILLINGS WITH LARGE AND VULNERABLE GATHERING

ISRAEL MAY TRY TO STOP HEZBOLLAH FROM GETTING WEAPONS FOR THE FIRST TIME

JORAN VAN DER SLOOT READY TO MARRY WOMAN HE’LL PROBABLY MURDER

TURNS OUT AFRICA HAD TONS OF WATER ALL ALONG

NO ONE KNOWS IF ASSAD IS ALIVE OR DEAD OR JUST HIDING LIKE A LITTLE GIRL

RUSSIA AND CHINA VETO SANCTIONS AND ENCOURAGE SYRIA TO GO ON KILLING

CANADIANS NOW OFFICIALLY RICHER AND THUS BETTER THAN AMERICANS

NETANYAHU BLAMES BULGARIAN ATTACK ON IRAN BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS THEIR FAULT

ASSAD VOWS TO FIGHT ON EVEN AFTER HIS CLOSEST ADVISORS ARE BLOWN UP

NORTH KOREAN ARMY CHIEF REMOVED FROM ALL POSTS AND POSSIBLY REPLACED WITH REPLICA OF THE EIFFEL TOWER

RED CROSS SAYS SYRIAN CONFLICT NOW A CIVIL WAR AS OPPOSED TO WHATEVER IT WAS BEFORE

CLINTON MEETS WITH MORSI AND TELLS HIM TO JUST GET THINGS FIXED IN EGYPT

UN WORKERS REACH MASSACRE SITE IN TREMESH AND OBSERVE IT VERY CLOSELY

SYRIA READY TO USE CHEMICAL WEAPONS AND RUSSIAN ATTACK HELICOPTERS TO MASSACRE EVEN MORE PEOPLE

SYRIAN MILITARY FORCES SCORE RECORD NUMBERS IN LATEST MASSACRE

TRAITOR GENERAL IN TALKS TO JOIN OPPOSITION FORCES IN SYRIA

CUBA ASKING RUSSIA FOR HELP AGAIN JUST TO IRRITATE THE AMERICANS

RATKO MLADIC TRYING TO DIE BEFORE A COURT CAN CONVICT HIM

RUSSIA MAY BURY LENIN AND ALL HE DID FOR THE NATION BECAUSE IT’S JUST KIND OF WEIRD THE WAY IT IS NOW

CHAVEZ FREES HIMSELF FROM THE BONDS OF CAPITALIST CANCER ONCE AGAIN

BASHAR ASSAD THINKS THE WHOLE WORLD IS AGAINST HIM WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH TRUE

EGYPTIAN PRESIDENT MORSI MAKES BOLD MOVE IN TRYING TO ACTUALLY RUN THE COUNTRY

DOCUMENTS REVEAL HITLER ORDERED REPRIEVE FOR JEWISH MAN SHOWING HE WASN’T ALL BAD

SYRIAN MILITARY HOLDS LARGE SCALE EXERCISES DESIGNED TO PRACTICE KILLING CHILDREN

RUSSIA SHOWS THE U.S. THEY CAN INVADE THEIR TERRITORY ANY TIME THEY WANT

LIBYANS VOTE FOR NEW DICTATOR IN ELECTION

CHINA RESCUES 181 CHILDREN FROM CHILD TRAFFICKING RING AND PUTS THEM TO WORK

EVEN URUGUAY READY TO LEGALIZE MARIJUANA AND IT’S BARELY EVEN A COUNTRY

KIM JONG-UN FINALLY DROPS FIRST SINGLE, ORDERS EXECUTION OF COMPOSERS

SAIF GADDAFI UNLIKELY TO GET FAIR TRIAL IN LIBYA WHICH IS JUST FINE BY EVERYONE BUT HIM

PEOPLE STILL ALIVE ENOUGH TO SPARK FRESH FOOD CRISIS IN SOMALIA

FINAL REPORT SHOWS AIR FRANCE CRASH A RESULT OF CRUMMY PILOTS

YASSER ARAFAT TO BE EXHUMED IN EFFORT TO RESTORE HIM TO THE LIVING

IRAN TEST FIRES MISSILES CAPABLE OF DEFEATING ANYONE AT ANYTIME FROM ANYWHERE

ASSAD SAYS HE REGRETS DESTROYING TURKISH JET AFTER IT SPARKS ANGRY RESPONSE

NEW MEXICAN PRESIDENT VOWS TO NOT SEND COUNTRY BACK IN TIME

IRAN THREATENS ISRAEL JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER MONDAY

HALF OF GERMAN SCHOOLCHILDREN READY TO LET NAZI’S TAKE OVER THEIR COUNTRY AGAIN

IRAN TELLS THE WORLD TO BRING THAT WAR ON RIGHT NOW

IMF ASSURES MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD THEY WILL HAVE ALL THE MONEY THEY NEED TO RULE EGYPT

\WORLD LEADERS DECIDE ON SYRIAN TRANSITION, WELL, EXCEPT ASSAD

GERMANY DISMISSES ITALY AND SPAIN FROM THE EUROZONE

ASSAD SAYS SYRIA IS NOW AT WAR BECAUSE THEY WERE JUST PLAYING AROUND BEFORE

CONFLICT WITH SYRIA STILL NOBODY’S PROBLEM BUT THE TURKS

EVEN RUSSIA, RUSSIA, IS TELLING ISRAEL TO NOT START A WAR WITH IRAN

GREEK FINANCE MINISTER RESIGNS OVER ILL HEALTH, BAD PAY

QUEEN ELIZABETH TO FINALLY FACE LONG-TIME NEMESIS MARTIN MCGUINNESS

TURKEY REQUESTS NATO MEETING TO DISCUSS DISCUSSING OPTIONS OVER DOWNED JET

MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD SEIZES CONTROL OF EGYPT IN COMPLETELY FAIR AND DEMOCRATIC ELECTION

GREECE OUTLINES DEMANDS FOR PEOPLE WANTING TO GIVE THEM MONEY

MEXICAN AUTHORITIES BUST NOTORIOUS USED CAR SALESMAN

THE ITALIANS ACTUALLY TRYING TO TAKE THE LEAD ON SAVING THE EURO

SYRIA DOWNS TURKISH FIGHTER JET BELIEVED TO BE CARRYING REBEL FIGHTERS

EGYPTIAN MILITARY PLANS TO BE JUST FINE AFTER PRESIDENTIAL VOTE

ASSAD PROMISED COMPLETE AND TOTAL IMMUNITY SO LONG AS HE STOPS KILLING FOLKS

BRITAIN AND ARGENTINA STILL THINK PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THE STUPID FALKLANDS

SUICIDE BOMBERS STILL KILLING FOLKS IN AFGHANISTAN

HOSNI MUBARAK DEAD OR DYING OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

LUKA MAGNOTTA RETURNS HOME TO HERO’S WELCOME

G20 LEADERS ALARMED AFTER HEARING OF EUROZONE CRISIS FOR THE FIRST TIME

SYRIA, IRAN, RUSSIA, AND CHINA NOW APPARENTLY THINK WAR IS A BIG GAME

PRINCE CHARLES WARNS OF CATASTROPHIC CLIMATE CHANGE UNLESS WORLD DOES EXACTLY WHAT HE SAYS

THE TALIBAN SAYS IT WILL START SPREADING POLIO UNLESS U.S. STOPS DRONE STRIKES

PRINCE CHARLES WARNS OF CATASTROPHIC CLIMATE CHANGE UNLESS WORLD DOES EXACTLY WHAT HE SAYS

ISRAEL LAUNCHES ASSAULT ON GAZA STRIP AFTER EGYPTIAN MILITANTS CROSS THE BORDER

CHINA KINDA SORTA APOLOGIZES TO WOMAN FORCED TO HAVE ABORTION

SHELLING INTENSIFIES IN HOMS AFTER SYRIA FINALLY FREES ITSELF OF UN INTERFERENCE

SYRIA FINALLY MANAGES TO PUSH THE UNITED NATIONS OUT OF THEIR COUNTRY

WORLD WATCHING GREECE TO SEE WHETHER OR NOT THEY WILL BE ABLE TO AFFORD UPCOMING ELECTION

EGYPTIAN MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD ANGRY AT COURT DECISION BUT THEY ARE MAD AT EVERYTHING ANYWAYS

EGYPTIAN MILITARY SEIZES FULL CONTROL OF PARLIAMENTARY CHAOS IN COUNTRY

WASHINGTON FREES PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE FROM SANCTIONS AGAINST IRAN

RUSSIA SENDS ATTACK HELICOPTERS TO SYRIA IN EFFORT TO QUELL PROTESTORS AND FINALLY END CONFLICT

KENYAN OFFICIALS ASK EUROPE AND THE U.S. TO DESTROY ALL THEIR ENEMIES

RUSSIA READY TO GO TO WAR WITH ALL OF NATO OVER MISSILE DEFENCE SITES

CAPRILES MAKES MOVE TO TAKE DOWN SICK AND DYING OLD MAN HUGO CHAVEZ IN VENEZUELA ELECTION

SYRIAN OPPOSITION CHOOSES NEW LEADER FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS

STATE OF EMERGENCY FORCES BURMESE MILITARY TO TAKE OVER COUNTRY AGAIN

HAMID KARZAI COMPLAINS U.S. DIDN’T GIVE HIM ENOUGH WARNING TO TELL TALIBAN TO GET OUT OF THE WAY OF AIRSTRIKES

SPAIN PROMISES TO USE BAILOUT MONEY WAY BETTER THAN STUPID GREECE

SAIF GADDAFI STILL BEING TREATED LIKE A KING AS HE AWAITS ICC INDICTMENT

RUSSIA STILL DOESN’T WANT ANYBODY DOING ANYTHING IN SYRIA

SPAIN MAY FINALLY GET THE BAILOUT WEEKEND IT’S BEEN WAITING FOR

JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER SAYS NUCLEAR REACTORS MUST BE RESTARTED OR ELSE

UN OBSERVERS WATCH AS BULLETS WHIZZ BY THEIR HEADS IN SYRIA

LOCUST PLAGUES IN LIBYA INDICATE THE COMING APOCALYPSE OR NOTHING AT ALL

CANADIAN OFFICIALS PATIENTLY WAITING BY THE MAIL FOR THE REST OF LUKA MAGNOTTA’S PACKAGES

LUKA MAGNOTTA MAKING UNUSUAL DINNER REQUESTS IN BERLIN JAIL FOLLOWING CAPTURE

PUTIN MEETING AHMADINEJAD IN CHINA JUST TO MAKE THE AMERICANS REALLY ANGRY

GERMANY MAKING UP FOR THAT WHOLE HOLOCAUST THING WITH NUCLEAR SUBS TO ISRAEL

NORWEGIAN MASS KILLER FINALLY GETTING SOME FRIENDS ON THE PAYROLL

HOSNI MUBARAK SENTENCED TO WHATEVER LIFE HE HAS LEFT FOR KILLING PRISONERS

HUGO CHAVEZ AT END STAGE OF CANCER AND READY TO TRANSFORM INTO ULTRA CHAVEZ

CANADIAN PORN ACTOR FINALLY GETS HIS TIME IN THE SPOTLIGHT WITH KILLING AND INTERNATIONAL MANHUNT

IRAN DEVELOPS INVISIBLE BUILDINGS AT SUSPECTED NUCLEAR SITES

CHARLES TAYLOR GETS FIFTY YEARS BUT VOWS TO RESUME PRESIDENCY WHEN HE IS RELEASED

SYRIA JUST CAN’T STOP KILLING FOLKS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY

POLAND DEMANDS APOLOGY FROM OBAMA THEY NEVER GAVE THE JEWISH PEOPLE

VLADIMIR PUTIN VOWS TO NEVER STEP FOOT ON U.S. SOIL AGAIN

SYRIAN AMBASSADORS TOLD TO GO HOME AND THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY DID IN HOULA

ONE EXPERT BELIEVES IRAN MAY HAVE ENOUGH URANIUM FOR A ZILLION BOMBS

NORTH KOREAN OFFICIALS WORKING TO BROKER PEACE WITH SOUTH ALL REALLY LOUSY DRIVERS

RUSSIA SAYS VICTIMS ARE TO BLAME IN HOULA MASSACRE

SYRIAN MILITARY TURNS ITS GUNS ON REBEL CHILDREN THROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY

IMF HEAD SAYS GREEKS CAN HELP THEMSELVES BY PAYING TAXES WHICH AIN’T GOING TO HAPPEN

RUSSIA GOING TO START THAT WHOLE NUCLEAR STANDOFF THING AGAIN FOR SOME REASON

IRAN TRYING TO CREATE MOST ENRICHED URANIUM IN THE WORLD

IRAN DISCOVERS THE END OF CHRISTIANITY, THE WEST, AND EVERYTHING ELSE IT HATES

WITH MUBARAK GONE, EGYPTIANS FINALLY KIND OF FREE TO VOTE FOR LEADER

GREECE STILL WON’T JUST LEAVE THE STUPID EURO

IRAQ BUYING UNMANNED U.S. DRONES BECAUSE THAT KIND OF THING WORKED SO WELL LAST TIME

NETANYAHU LOOKING TO KEEP RAPING MURDEROUS AFRICANS OUT OF HIS COUNTRY

PUTIN SET TO DOMINATE GOVERNMENT AFTER CHANGING CONSTITUTION AND RIGGING ELECTIONS

QUAKE IN ITALY KILLS FOUR PEOPLE WHO WERE PROBABLY IMPORTANT TO THEIR FAMILIES

LOCKERBIE BOMBER DIES, BODY TO BE BLOWN UP IN PLANE

BLIND CHINESE ACTIVIST LOOKING FORWARD TO BRIGHT FUTURE IN THE UNITED STATES

BRITAIN AND SPAIN LIKELY GOING TO WAR OVER LUNCH REFUSAL OR SOMETHING

ANGELA MERKEL READY AND WILLING TO TAKE FULL CONTROL OF EUROPE

ISRAEL THIS CLOSE TO MAKING A DECISION ON IRAN ATTACK

SERBIAN GENERAL MLADIC GETS LAST LAUGH ON SURVIVORS DURING TRIAL

BASHAR ASSAD SAYS SYRIANS ARE DYING TO IMPLEMENT NEW REFORMS

SYRIAN SECURITY FORCES MAKE FUNERAL A PARTY AFTER OPENING FIRE

NORTH KOREAN WOMEN SOLD INTO SLAVERY IN CHINA THANKFUL FOR BETTER LIFE

GREECE STILL TECHNICALLY HAS MONEY TO RUN OUT OF WHICH WILL HAPPEN SOON

DALAI LAMA WARNS OF CHINESE PLANS TO KILL HIM WHICH ISN’T REALLY NEWS AT ALL

SOCIALIST HOLLANDE WANTS FRANCE TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF FINANCIAL SACRIFICE HE IS MAKING AS PRESIDENT

WELL OF COURSE CANADA IS GOING TO CAUSE THE END OF HUMANITY

HUGO CHAVEZ COMPLETES TREATMENT AND BECOMES CANCER ITSELF

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE BEGINS IN EGYPT AFTER DEAD MAN WAKES AT FUNERAL

EVEN ISRAEL HAS NO IDEA WHEN THEY WILL START A WAR WITH IRAN

CHINA ACCIDENTALLY CONQUERS THE PHILIPPINES

CIA AGENT FOILED IN ATTEMPT TO BLOW UP PLANE IN YEMEN

U.S. RESISTANCE IN AFGHANISTAN ONLY MAKING THE TALIBAN STRONGER

US RELEASING TALIBAN FIGHTERS IN EFFORT TO MAKE THEM A FORMIDABLE FIGHTING FORCE AGAIN

FRANCE ELECTS HOLLANDE AND GETS READY TO SPEND EVERYONE’S MONEY AGAIN

GREECE SCROUNGES UP ENOUGH MONEY TO HOLD REAL ELECTIONS

THE FUTURE GETTING HARD TO SEE FOR CHINESE DISSIDENT CHEN GUANGCHENG

ISRAEL PLANNING BIG OCTOBER SURPRISE FOR IRAN WHICH WOULDN’T BE A SURPRISE AT ALL REALLY

DUBAI STARTS CREATING UNDERWATER LAIRS FOR SUPER VILLAINS

EUROPEAN UNION READY TO DISSOLVE NATIONS AND BECOME TYRANNICAL SUPER POWER

BAD SMELL IN TEL AVIV FORCES EVACUATIONS AND THE DESTRUCTION OF DOZENS OF PALESTINIAN HOMES

BLIND CHINESE DISSIDENT CAN’T REALLY SEE ALL THE TROUBLE HE IS CREATING

SARKOZY STILL WILLING TO WORK WITH GADDAFI FAMILY FOR NUCLEAR SECRETS

U.S. GIVES TAIWAN ALL THE JETS THEY NEED TO FIGHT CHINA

FRENCH PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE VOWS LAYOFFS IF ELECTED

SYRIAN PEACE PLAN STARTING TO FAIL WHICH OF COURSE IS ABOUT WHAT EVERYONE EXPECTED

THOUSANDS GATHER IN OSLO TO SING TO MASS MURDERER DURING TRIAL

CHARLES TAYLOR CONVICTION TO SERVE AS EXAMPLE TO NO ONE

OKAY, TURNS OUT IRAN ISN’T MAKING A BOMB AFTER ALL

ANY DAY NOW FOR LATEST NORTH KOREAN NUCLEAR TEST

THREATS TO TURN MAJOR CITIES INTO ASHES MAKE PEACE DEAL UNLIKELY IN KOREAS

SARKOZY READY TO SEIZE VICTORY AFTER GIVING FIRST ROUND TO HOLLANDE

HUGO CHAVEZ PLAYING THAT OLD TERMINAL CANCER HIDE AND SEEK GAME AGAIN

IRAN BUILDING REPLICA OF DOWNED U.S. DRONE DAMAGE AND ALL

UN SENDS EVEN MORE OBSERVERS TO WATCH STUFF IN SYRIA

INDIAN MISSILE LAUNCH IS WAY BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE'S

AHHH, SARKOZY DIDN’T REALLY WANT TO BE PRESIDENT ANYMORE ANYWAYS

CHILEAN PRESIDENT LOOKING TO CONSUMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER’S WIFE

TALIBAN COMMANDER WILL NOT RECEIVE REWARD FOR TURNING HIMSELF IN

SOLDIERS PLAYING WITH DEAD BODIES NO LONGER OFFICIAL U.S. MILITARY POLICY

CHINA REPORTEDLY HELPING NORTH KOREA WITH MISSILES TO ATTACK THE OCEAN

EVEN WITH FINANCES CUT IN HALF, SYRIAN GOVERNMENT STILL MANAGING

PIPPA MIDDLETON’S GUN INCIDENT MIGHT LAND HER PERFECT BUTT IN JAIL

NORWEGIAN MASS MURDERER SAYS HE KILLED ALL THOSE KIDS BEFORE THEY COULD KILL HIM

NEW DETAILS SHOW THE TALIBAN DIDN’T JUST THROW THAT HUGE ATTACK TOGETHER

TALIBAN STILL ALL BENT OUT OF SHAPE OVER KORAN BURNINGS

DAVID CAMERON INTERVENES IN EFFORT TO REPATRIATE SPITFIRES TRAPPED IN BURMA

IRAN NOW USING INVISIBLE SHIPS TO GET AROUND GET AROUND OIL EMBARGO

NORTH KOREAN ROCKET LAUNCH DECLARED GREAT VICTORY AS IT DELIVERS SATELLITE TO OCEAN FLOOR

JAPAN LAUGHS AT INDONESIAN EARTHQUAKE COMPLAINERS AFTER TSUNAMI WARNING LIFTED

JAPANESE PLANES, BOATS, CARS, BICYCLES DIVERTED TO AVOID NORTH KOREAN ROCKET LAUNCH

SYRIA AGREES TO ABIDE BY MURDER CLAUSE IN PEACE DEAL

NORWEGIAN MASSACRE SUSPECT JUST ABOUT THE SANEST PERSON IN THE COUNTRY

NORTH KOREA PREPARING FOR PREPARATION FOR A PROPOSED NUCLEAR TEST

INDIA DENIES USING AVALANCHE DEVICE ON PAKISTANI TROOPS IN KASHMIR

ANGRY GLADIATORS CLIMB COLOSSEUM AS ROME IS THRUST 2000 YEARS INTO THE PAST

IRAN READY TO CREATE NUKES AND TO GET BACK ON THE FRONT PAGES

SYRIA TRYING TO GET AS MUCH KILLING AS POSSIBLE IN BEFORE TRUCE GOES INTO EFFECT

INDEPENDENCE BATTLE IN MALI ATTRACTS SOME ATTENTION TO THE COUNTRY FOR THE FIRST TIME

RUSSIA DEVELOPS ZOMBIE GUN POSSIBLY SPARKING ZOMBIE COLD WAR

KOFI ANNAN WON’T BE MAD BUT WILL BE DISAPPOINTED IF CEASEFIRE DOESN’T WORK IN SYRIA

THE EGYPTIAN BROTHERHOOD GOES TO WASHINGTON

EGYPT SUCCESSFULLY HITS TARGETS IN ISRAEL WITH NEW ROCKET ATTACK

MAN WHOSE TESTIMONY HELPED START IRAQ WAR AND KILLED THOUSANDS ADMITS IT WAS JUST A JOKE

AUNG SAN SUU KYI WINS SEAT IN CLOSED-OFF SECTION OF BURMESE PARLIAMENT

ACTIVISTS IN CANADA CALL FOR INVESTIGATION INTO SHOOTING OF POLAR BEAR IN HOME INVASION

EXECUTION RATES FINALLY STARTING TO RECOVER ACROSS THE MIDDLE EAST

U.S. OFFICIALS DECIDE TO MOVE JERUSALEM OUT OF ISRAEL

SYRIA PROMISES TO IMPLEMENT PEACE PLAN BY FORCE IF NECESSARY

IRRADIATED JAPANESE GHOST SHIP APPEARS OFF CANADIAN COAST

NETANYAHU CALLS LAST NIGHT’S DINNER AN ABSOLUTE HOLOCAUST

FRENCH GUNMAN’S PLANS TO KILL AGAIN WILL LIKELY HAVE TO BE DELAYED AFTER POLICE SURROUND HOUSE

SWEDEN READY TO STOP PRODUCING MONEY AT THE COMMAND OF ABBA

FRANCE DECIDES TO ENFORCE LAWS AGAINST MURDER FOLLOWING SCHOOL SHOOTING

JULIAN ASSANGE PLANNING ON RUN FOR AUSTRALIAN SENATE FROM JAIL CELL

ONE YEAR CELEBRATION OF SYRIAN UPRISING STARTS WITH A BANG

NORTH KOREAN PLAN TO LAUNCH SATELLITE INTO OCEAN IRKS U.S. OFFICIALS

GREEKS JUST GIVING UP ON LIFE AS ECONOMIC WOES CONTINUE

SECRET EMAILS REVEAL ASSAD NOT LETTING ALL THE BLOODSHED DISRUPT HIS LIFE

AFGHANISTAN ASKS FOR EARLY U.S. DEPARTURE LIKE THEY REALLY HAVE A SAY

RUSSIA HAPPY TO CONTINUE TO HELP SYRIA QUELL VIOLENCE BY PROVIDING WEAPONS

LEON PANETTA GREETED IN AFGHANISTAN WITH TRADITIONAL CAR BOMBING CEREMONY

HIGH SPEED TRAINS RAPIDLY RIDDING SWEDEN OF REINDEER MENACE

CANADA READY TO KILL DICK CHENEY IF HE TRIES TO CROSS THE BORDER

AFGHANS BURN WEEKLY EFFIGY OF OBAMA WITH EVEN MORE FIRE FOLLOWING KILLINGS

PUTIN BUILDING WALLS AROUND KREMLIN AFTER TOM CRUISE IS SPOTTED IN UKRAINE

ISRAEL CONSIDERING CONSTRUCTION OF REAL IRON DOME OVER COUNTRY AFTER MISSILE TESTS GO SMOOTHLY

U.S. FORCES TAKE OUT FUTURE INSURGENTS IN AFGHANISTAN WITH ASSAULT ON FAMILY HOME

MERKEL AND LAGARDE SPLIT OVER E.U. DEBT AND WHICH PURSES TO BUY

ISRAELI MILITARY PRACTICING FOR STRIKE ON IRAN WITH PALESTINIAN WARGAMES

EUROPEAN UNION LEADERS CONSIDERING JUST SINKING PORTUGAL INTO THE OCEAN

SYRIAN GOVERNMENT TURNS MEDICAL FACILITIES INTO OPPOSITE HOSPITALS

ISRAEL GETS A BUNCH OF VERY COOL WEAPONS FROM U.S. IN EXCHANGE FOR NOT ATTACKING IRAN

NICOLAS SARKOZY DETERMINES THAT FOREIGNERS ARE THE REASON FOR ALL THE PROBLEMS IN FRANCE

WORLD HOLDING IT’S COLLECTIVE BREATH WHILE WAITING TO HEAR ISRAEL’S DECISION ON ATTACKING IRAN

CAPITALISTS DOUBLE DOWN IN SOUTH AMERICA WITH NEW CHAVEZ CANCER AND LULA LUNG INFECTION

POLL SHOWS SMART YOUNG BRITISH WOMEN WOULD RATHER HAVE LARGE BREASTS THAN BRAINS

BALLOT BOXES STUFFED NEARLY 60 PERCENT IN VLADIMIR PUTIN’S FAVOUR

UN CHIEF PROMISES MORE HARSH WORDS AFTER LATEST SLAUGHTER IN SYRIA

SYRIA STILL NOT SURE HOW MANY PEOPLE IT WILL HAVE TO KILL IN TOTAL

PLOT TO ASSASSINATE VLADIMIR PUTIN FOILED AND REVEALED JUST DAYS BEFORE ELECTION

SYRIAN BALLOTS GETTING ALL STUCK TOGETHER WITH BLOOD DURING REFERENDUM

PUTIN GETTING A WHOLE NEW BAG OF TRICKS READY TO WIN PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

U.S. SPIES INDICATE THE WHOLE IRANIAN NUCLEAR THING MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING

NELSON MANDELA DEMANDS TO BE SET FREE FROM HOSPITAL

RUSSIA MAYBE KINDA THREATENS ISRAEL ABOUT STRIKE ON IRAN

CHINA PREPARING FOR SPACE WARFARE, POSSIBLY IN EARLY STAGES OF DEATH STAR CONSTRUCTION

U.S. SOLDIERS DIRECTED TO USE FIREWOOD INSTEAD OF THE KORAN AS PROTESTS SPIRAL OUT OF CONTROL

HUGO CHAVEZ DISCOVERS NEW TUMOUR AFTER COMING INTO CONTACT WITH CAPITALISTS

SARKOZY MAKES IT CLEAR THAT HE IS THE GREATEST THING TO HAPPEN TO FRANCE EVER

REVEALED: HITLER’S SECRET CHILD WHO DIDN’T EVEN COME CLOSE TO LIVING UP TO HIS FATHER

GERMANY DRAFTING EU RESIGNATION FOR GREECE AND GETS READY TO MAKE THEM SIGN

U.S. AND ISRAEL STILL WILLING TO GIVE SANCTIONS AGAINST IRAN THE OLD COLLEGE TRY

AHMADINEJAD FRANTICALLY TRYING TO FIND NEW HOSTS AFTER PERSONAL WEBSITES SHUT DOWN

SEAN PENN TAKES HIS CANOE TO FALKLANDS IN EFFORT TO RESOLVE DISPUTE

ISRAEL SAYS SANCTIONS NOT WORKING IN IRAN AND AGAIN ASKS FOR PERMISSION TO ATTACK

RUSSIA DIDN’T EXACTLY TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT FIRE ON NUCLEAR SUB AND POSSIBLE END OF ALL HUMAN LIFE

U.S. MAY NEED PERMISSION FROM SYRIAN GOVERNMENT TO INVADE THE COUNTRY AND STOP BLOODSHED

IN WAKE OF AUSTERITY MEASURES, RIOTERS IN GREECE BURN BUILDINGS COUNTRY CAN’T AFFORD TO REPAIR

IRAN SWEARS IT DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT STICKY BOMB ATTACK THAT KILLED ISRAELI DIPLOMATS

IRISH CRACKDOWN ON WATER SUPPLY LIKELY TO RESULT IN GREAT WATER FAMINE

GADDAFI SON PROMISES NEW UPRISING IN LIBYA WHICH OF COURSE WILL PUT HIM INTO POWER

IRAN SHUTS OFF INTERNET TO PROTECT BIG NUCLEAR SURPRISE

BRITAIN READYING NUCLEAR OPTIONS IN LATEST FALKLANDS DISPUTE

SYRIAN MILITARY ASSAULT ON HOMS STARTING TO BECOME A REAL GAS

VENEZUELAN OPPOSITION CANDIDATE UNLIKELY TO USE CANCER ATTACK AGAINST CHAVEZ

JAMAICA MELTS DOWN THOUSANDS OF ILLEGAL GUNS AND TRIES TO SMOKE THEM

U.S. CONSIDERING HALT TO KILLING CIVILIANS WITH DRONES AFTER PAKISTANI REQUEST

MEXICAN DRUG CARTELS WOULD RATHER NO ONE WINS PRESIDENTIAL RACE

IN POSSIBLE LAST STRAW IRAN BANS SIMPSONS DOLLS, POGS, MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS

RUSSIA AND CHINA JUST LIKE SEEING BLOOD RUNNING IN SYRIAN STREETS

SYRIA DOESN’T REALLY KNOW WHO KILLED ALL THOSE PEOPLE IN HOMS

ISRAEL LOOKING FORWARD TO A SPRING WAR AGAINST IRAN

TALIBAN READY TO TAKE CONTROL OF AFGHANISTAN ONCE NATO LEAVES

ARAB SPRING UPRISING KILLS DOZENS AT SOCCER MATCH

WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR DEPLOYED TO THE FALKLANDS

IRANIAN THREATS TO ATTACK ON AMERICAN SOIL NOT MAKING THINGS ANY BETTER

ISRAEL DEVELOPS HIGH-TECH DRONE CAPABLE OF BOMBING IRAN IF THEY CAN KEEP IT FROM CRASHING

SYRIAN FIRST FAMILY FOILED IN VACATION ATTEMPT OUT OF THE COUNTRY

HUGO CHAVEZ WILLING TO RECONSIDER RELATIONS WITH U.S. IF OBAMA IS REELECTED

EUROPE GOES ON A DOWNGRADE SPREE

IRAN MAY NOT WANT TO SELL ITS OIL TO EUROPE ANYWAYS

ONE IN FIVE GERMANS TURNING A BLIND EYE TO THE HOLOCAUST, AGAIN

IRAN SWEARS TO GOD IT WILL CLOSE THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ, JUST TEST THEM

GADDAFI FORCES SEIZE CONTROL OF TIME MACHINE AND SOUTHERN TOWN

THAILAND RECOGNIZES PALESTINIAN STATEHOOD AND OFFERS SPECIAL ENVOYS TO LUBRICATE PEACE PROCESS

FRANCE READY TO WITHDRAW SOLDIERS AFTER A LITTLE SHOOTING IN AFGHANISTAN

CANADA REALLY, REALLY MAD ABOUT U.S. REJECTION OF KEYSTONE PIPELINE

CANADIAN NAVAL OFFICER SHARES STATE SECRETS; CANADA HAS A NAVY, SECRETS

IRANIAN LAWMAKER SAYS U.S. OFFERED TALKS SO SECRET EVEN THEY DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT THEM

GREECE PUTS ANCIENT SITES UP ON THE AUCTION BLOCK

CAPTAIN OF ILL-FATED ITALIAN CRUISE LINER JUST REALLY DIDN’T WANT TO DIE

IRAN MINIATURIZES MISSING SPY DRONE AND SENDS IT BACK TO THE U.S.

RUMOURS OF MASS FAMINE AND SUICIDES IN RURAL MEXICO TURN OUT TO BE ONE BIG JOKE AFTER ALL

TURKISH ARREST WARRANT FINALLY GETS SARAH FERGUSON TO STAY IN ENGLAND

QUEEN ELIZABETH READY TO DIE ALONE AND FORGOTTEN AFTER TAXPAYERS REFUSE TO BUY NEW YACHT

EU OFFICIALS FORGOT HUNGARY WAS MEMBER UNTIL THEY REQUESTED EXIT

ISRAEL GETTING REALLY EXCITED ABOUT POSSIBLE WAR WITH IRAN

CAPTAIN WHO RAN CRUISE SHIP AGROUND IN ITALY COULD’VE SWORN THE THING HAD WHEELS

QUEEN ELIZABETH SAYS CHARLES WILL HAVE TO WRENCH THE CROWN FROM HER COLD, DEAD HANDS

CHINA WILL PROBABLY KEEP BUYING OIL FROM WHOMEVER THEY DAMN WELL PLEASE

IRAN SAYS THEY ARE CLOSE TO NUKES, AMERICA DESERVES DEATH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

GREEK GOVERNMENT INITATES PLAN TO SELL CHILDREN TO MAKE UP BUDGET GAPS

ROBOTS GET OUT OF CONTROL AND TAKE OVER JAPANESE FARMS

QUEEN ELIZABETH STILL CAN’T GET OVER CHARLES AND DIANA SPLIT

PROSECUTORS WANT TO ENSURE MUBARAK GETS THE DEATH PENALTY ONE WAY OR THE OTHER

AUSTRALIA LAUNCHES FLEET OF HYBRID SHARKS IN FIRST STAGE OF WORLD DOMINATION

MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD FINALLY FREE TO HATE ISRAEL PUBLICLY

IRAN GIVES U.S. CARRIER ONE WARNING, WILL NOT GIVE A SECOND

CASTRO AND CHAVEZ FINALLY MAKE THE TOP TEN WORST DICTATOR LIST IN 2011

JAPAN STARTS OFF 2012 WITH NEW YEAR'S EARTHQUAKE, BUT NO NUCLEAR CATACLYSM

AWWW, KIM JONG-UN MAKES HIS FIRST INTERNATIONAL WAR THREAT

WORLD JOINS IN CELEBRATION FOR THE LAST NEW YEAR HUMANITY WILL EVER SEE

FRANCE MAKES IT HARDER FOR FRENCH PEOPLE TO REMAIN FRENCH

U.S. DARES IRAN TO CUT OFF OIL SUPPLY TO THE MAJORITY OF THE WORLD

INTERPOL SAYS ROGUE BREAST IMPLANT SURGEON MAY BE ARMED AND DANGEROUS

IRAQI PRIME MINISTER PROMISES RIVERS OF BLOOD WITH U.S. FORCES GONE

IRAN DEPLOYS MASSIVE FLEET OF REALLY SCARY BOATS IN STRAIT OF HORMUZ

EUROPE BECOMING ONE BIG GENOCIDE HAPPY FAMILY

ARGENTINE GOVERNMENT SEIZES CONTROL OF NEWSPAPERS AS EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT

DEATH OF KIM JONG-IL CAUSES NATURE TO GO WILD, GODS TO GET ANGRY

EARLY INTELLIGENCE SUGGESTS KIM JONG-UN LIKES STARCRAFT, DORITOS, SWEATING

THAT DINGO STILL STEALING BABIES FROM ALL OVER AUSTRALIA

KIM JONG-IL’S SON PROBABLY LIKES NUKES JUST AS MUCH AS HIS DAD

KIM JONG-IL OFFICIALLY DECLARED DEAD AFTER DECADE OR SO OF BEING DEAD

EGYPT HITTING UP WOMEN LIKE CRAZY IN NEW REGIME

RUSSIA SEIZES NUCLEAR MATERIAL BOUND FOR IRAN AND SENDS IT ON IT’S WAY

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER UNABLE TO AFFORD NEW CLOTHES FOR HIS FAMILY

IRAN PLAYING THE TOUGH GUY IN CLOSURE OF ESSENTIAL STRAIT

SARKOZY GETTING READY TO SPLIT EUROPE IN TWO

LATVIAN BANKS SUFFER RUN ON ROCKS AND PEBBLES AMIDST RUMOURS AND VAMPIRES

MASSIVE PROTESTS LOOKING FOR OUSTER NOT WHAT PUTIN HAD IN MIND

ROBERT MUGABE CALLS ELECTIONS TO HELP WEED OUT CORRUPTION IN COUNTRY

U.K. MAY WITHDRAW FROM EUROPE ENTIRELY AFTER REJECTING EU VOTE

SARKOZY WILL NOT GIVE EUROPE A SECOND CHANCE THIS TIME

MIKHAIL GORBACHEV FINALLY STARTING A COUP HE CAN CALL HIS OWN

ANXIOUS GREEKS WALKING OUT OF BANKS WITH POCKETS FULL OF CHANGE

CHINA GETTING NAVY READY FOR WAR

BRITAIN CRACKING DOWN ON ILLEGAL WHALE IMMIGRATION

CANADIANS WILLING TO JUST LET THE ENVIRONMENT ROT BY EXITING KYOTO PROTOCOL

POOR ELECTION RESULTS MAY PROMPT PUTIN TO DO AWAY WITH DEMOCRACY ENTIRELY

MAN-EATING BANANAS CAUSE PANIC ACROSS MOZAMBIQUE

GADDAFI’S DAUGHTER RALLIES FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO OVERTHROW NEW LIBYAN REGIME

PAKISTAN STILL MAKING A BIG DEAL ABOUT ALL THOSE DEAD SOLDIERS

NORWEGIAN MASS MURDERER LIKELY TO GO FREE AFTER BEING DECLARED INSANE

IRAN TO FIRE ALL THE MISSILES IN THE WORLD ON ISRAEL IF ATTACKED

FRANCE JUST LETTING GERMANY DO WHAT IT WANTS THROUGH EUROZONE CRISIS

EGYPTIANS GETTING SICK OF WAITING IN LINE TO VOTE

IRAN READY TO HIT TURKEY, ISRAEL, AND ANYONE ELSE THEY WANT

PUTIN HUMBLY ACCEPTS PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION

NATO TELLS PAKISTAN TO CHILL AFTER IT KILLS A WHOLE LOT OF THEIR SOLDIERS

FIRE SALE ON ITALIAN DEBT FALLS FLAT DESPITE FREE GARLIC BREAD OFFER

ILLEGAL ARMY GAINING GROUND ON BORDER PATROL AGENTS

IRAN CLAIMS ARREST OF CIA SPIES IS PEACEFUL IN NATURE

RUSSIA TURNING IT’S MISSILES BACK ON THE UNITED STATES

JAPANESE SEISMOLOGIST FEELS VINDICATED BY FUKUSHIMA DISASTER

TORONTO ZOO AT RISK OF REBELLION FOLLOWING PLANS TO TRANSFER ELEPHANTS

SYRIA PROMISES TO KEEP KILLING UNTIL THE KILLING IS DONE

OFFICIALS MAKE IT CLEAR THAT EUROPEAN WATER DOES NOT HYDRATE

HILLARY CLINTON HOPING FOR CIVIL WAR IN SYRIA

RUSSIAN MILITARY CHIEF THREATENS NUCLEAR WAR

U.S. MOVING TROOPS INTO TROUBLED AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK

HUNDREDS OF NORTH KOREAN EXPERTS WORKING ON IRANIAN NUKES BRINGS SWEET RELIEF TO THE WEST

FUKUSHIMA NUCLEAR PLANT WILL OPEN TO THE PUBLIC, EVENTUALLY

IRAN THIS CLOSE TO GETTING NUCLEAR WEAPONS

EUROPE LIKELY NUKED OR LEAKING OR SOMETHING WITH ALL THE RADIATION

WELSH RESIDENTS OFFERED OPPORTUNITY TO OPT-OUT OF ORGAN REMOVAL

HUGO CHAVEZ CANCER PROGRESSING VERY NICELY ACCORDING TO U.S. SOURCES

CANADIAN ZOO IN MIDST OF GAY PENGUIN RIGHTS DEBATE

BERLUSCONI SET TO RESIGN AND GET A LOT MORE SLEEP

BERLUSCONI JUST TRYING TO GET A LITTLE SLEEP AMIDST ALL THE ECONOMIC CHAOS

IRAN ONLY WEEKS AWAY FROM LAUNCHING NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST

150 DEAD IN NIGERIA RUINS KIM KARDASHIAN TRIP TO COUNTRY

NAZIS FINALLY FIND A WAY TO TAKE RUSSIA WITH CIVIL PROTESTS

ISRAEL DOES STUFF TO PALESTINIAN BOATS OR SOMETHING

IRANIAN PILOT SUSPENDED FOR NOT CRASHING PLANE AND EMBARRASSING THE REGIME

U.S. FEARS ATTACK ON IRAN BY ISRAEL WILL BE OFF THE HOOK

GREECE DOESN’T REALLY WANT BAILOUT MONEY AFTER ALL

YET ANOTHER SOCIALIST LATIN LEADER DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER

NEWLY RELEASED DOCUMENTS SHOW SADDAM HUSSEIN MAY HAVE BEEN A LITTLE FUNNY IN THE HEAD

PRINCE CHARLES RESURRECTS DRACULA TO SAVE TREES IN ROMANIA

ANOTHER FRIDAY, ANOTHER GUNFIGHT IN SARAJEVO

CHINA MAY JUST BUY ALL OF EUROPE IN ONE GO

SYRIAN HOSPITALS ACCUSED OF TORTURE, BAD FOOD, RUDENESS

ANGELA MERKEL WARNS OF WAR MEASURES IF EURO FAILS

LATEST POLL NUMBERS SHOW DECLINE FOR SYRIA’S ASSAD

IRAQ DIDN’T WANT U.S. TROOPS IN THE COUNTRY ANYWAYS

GADDAFI MAY BE THE RICHEST MAN STORED IN A FREEZER IN THE WORLD

ZEUS IGNORES GREEK CALLS FOR NEW LOAN AGREEMENT

AFGHANISTAN TO USE U.S. FORCES TO BACK PAKISTAN IN WAR WITH U.S.

TURKEY SHAKES UP THE REGION WITH MAJOR QUAKE

HUGO CHAVEZ DECLARES HIMSELF FREE FROM THE BONDS OF CAPITALIST CANCER

VIDEO SHOWS DECEASED GADDAFI LOOKING BETTER THAN EVER

GADDAFI DEAD; REBEL GOVERNMENT BEGINS CRUSHING CELEBRATIONS

CANADA RAILS AGAINST IRAN; IRAN IS LIKE WHY YOU HATIN’ CANADA?

BRITISH NAVY THWARTED IN ATTEMPT TO ASSASSINATE MICHELLE OBAMA

THE U.S. LAUNCHES NEW WAR IN UGANDA IN BID TO TAKE AFRICA ONCE AND FOR ALL

INDIA AND PAKISTAN FIND ANOTHER REASON TO GO TO WAR

PRIME MINISTERS MAY PAVE THE WAY FOR A GIRL TO LEAD THE MONARCHY

SEAL, HILARY SWANK KILL AT BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR CHECHEN DICTATOR

U.N. STUDY SHOWS LIFE PRETTY TOUGH AT AFGHAN PRISONS

YEMENI PRESIDENT SAYS HE DOESN’T REALLY WANT TO BE IN CHARGE ANYWAYS

MEXICAN GANG MAKES A HUGE SPLASH WITH DOZENS OF KILLINGS

THE NETHERLANDS TO OUTLAW MARIJUANA, AT LEAST THE GOOD STUFF

IRANIAN NUCLEAR PROGRAM BLOWING UP ALL OVER THE COUNTRY

NORTH KOREA SEEKING TO END TYRANNY OF FOOD CONSUMPTION IN COUNTRY

ANGELINA JOLIE EXPANDS HER ROLE IN THE UNITED NATIONS

SYRIA THREATENS TO ATTACK ISRAEL, RAIN FIRE, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

YEMENI WARPLANE MAKES SUCCESSFUL STRIKE ON HOME BASE

U.S. PLOTTING MASSIVE MILITARY CAMPAIGN AGAINST FORMER ALLY PAKISTAN

POLAND OFFICIALLY A BETTER COUNTRY THAN BRITAIN

JAPANESE PILOT ACCIDENTALLY PUSHES UPSIDE DOWN BUTTON DURING FLIGHT

AMANDA KNOX STARTING TO LOOK AWFUL DURING APPEALS TRIAL

HUGO CHAVEZ HOSPITALIZED WITH FAILING CAPITALIST KIDNEY

IRAN PLEDGES WARSHIPS, TUGBOATS ALONG THE U.S. COASTLINE

BRAZILIAN BEACH OVERWHELMED WITH BLOODTHIRSTY KILLER PIRANHAS

HUGO CHAVEZ INSISTS FOUR ROUNDS OF CHEMO HAVE ONLY MADE HIM STRONGER

SAUDI WOMEN GET RIGHT TO VOTE FOR WHOEVER THEIR HUSBANDS TELL THEM TO VOTE FOR

INDIA DETERMINES THAT GIRLS JUST AREN’T WORTH THE PRICE OF HEART SURGERY

MEDVEDEV SUPPORTS PUTIN FOR PRESIDENT, COOKS HIM BREAKFAST

CANADIAN SERIAL KILLER CLIFFORD OLSON MOCKED ON DEATH BED

IRAN AND ISRAEL MOVING CLOSER TO ASSASSIN-NUCLEAR SCIENTIST GAP

PALESTINIANS STILL SEEKING 200-YEAR SHORTCUT TO PEACE

REQUEST TO GO CAMPING BY NORWEGIAN MASS MURDERER DENIED

NEW SATELLITE PHOTOS SHOW SECRETIVE NORTH KOREAN DAY CAMP

GIANT CROCODILE CAUGHT IN THE PHILIPPINES LIKELY JUST BIDING HIS TIME

GERMANY MAY BE WILLING TO SACRIFICE GRIP ON GREECE FOR GREATER GOALS

U.S. AND CHINA SCARED OF A GIRL IN TAIWAN

PRINCE CHARLES THREATENS HUMANITY WITH EXTINCTION

EUROPE MAY CLOSE DOWN IF ECONOMIC CRISIS CAN’T BE RESOLVED

PRINCE HARRY CONTINUES FAMILY TRADITION BY SPENDING BILLIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE’S DOLLARS

TALIBAN OFFERS BIN LADEN UP FOR TRIAL A LITTLE TOO LATE

BRITAIN DECIDES TO END SLAVERY ON THE ISLAND

ITALY TURNS TO CHINA FOR POSSIBLE BUYOUT

ISRAEL UNVEILS DOOMSDAY WEAPON AS TENSIONS IN REGION MOUNT

FIDEL CASTRO STRUCK DOWN AND BECOMES MORE POWERFUL THAN EVER

NIGER BECOMING THE GO-TO HOLIDAY DESTINATION FOR OUSTED LIBYAN STRONGMEN

U.S. HAS NO REGRETS IN KILLING OF REPORTER FOR INSURGENT BBC NEWS

FRENCH NUCLEAR PLANT EXPLODES KILLING ONE, MAKING DOZENS SNOOTY

NEW TERRORIST THREAT SHOWS AL-ZAWAHIRI IS GETTING THINGS DONE AS NEW HEAD OF AL-QAEDA

GADDAFI TROOPS FLOOD INTO NIGER AND START TAKING CONTROL

CANADA MASSING AN ARMY TO TAKE CONTROL OF THE ARCTIC

GADDAFI COMPLAINING SMUGGLERS STEALING HIS GUNS, MISSILES

100 DEAD IN LEAST DESTRUCTIVE TRAGEDY TO HIT NIGERIA THIS YEAR

THINGS GETTING CRAZY AT TRIPOLI PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL

WIKILEAK DOCUMENTS REVEAL POSSIBLE POLLUTION PROBLEMS IN CHINA

EVERYONE TO GET A CHANCE TO USE LIBYAN WEAPONS

GADDAFI STAYING IN COUNTRY AS HOME UNDERGOES MASSIVE RENOVATION

LIBYAN PARTY PLANNERS HAVING TROUBLE GETTING INVITATION TO GADDAFI

IRANIAN CAMPING INDUSTRY TAKES HIT AFTER AMERICANS CONVICTED ON HIKING CHARGES

GORBACHEV PLOTTING A COUP OF HIS OWN

GERMANY PUSHING FOR COLLECTIVE GOVERNMENT AGAIN, FRANCE WILLING

HOBBYISTS SECRETLY REBUILDING THE BERLIN WALL

NORWEGIAN GUNMAN RETURNS TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME FOR MORE

LIBYAN REBELS LAUNCH NEW OFFENSIVE AGAINST LOYALIST RESTAURANTS

INDONESIA TO PREMIERE TV VERSION OF WHO WANTS TO MARRY A CANNIBAL

HULKAMANIA COMES TO ENGLAND TO DEAL WITH RIOTERS

GADDAFI’S SON RETURNS FROM THE DEAD IN LIBYA, AGAIN

REPORT FINDS SUNKEN RUSSIAN RIVERBOAT HAD ILLEGAL NUMBER OF HOLES IN HULL

U.S. ENCOURAGING SYRIAN PRESIDENT TO GO ON VACATION FOR A LITTLE WHILE

RESTAURANTS SCORE MAJOR VICTORY AFTER CHINA LIFTS DOG BAN

ALLIES CALL ON DAVID CAMERON TO STEP DOWN IN FACE OF BRITISH RIOTS

TALIBAN SUCCEEDS WHERE BIN LADEN FAILED IN KILLING OF NAVY SEALS

DOZENS MISSING AS IRAN CRACKS DOWN ON ILLEGAL WATER GUN FIGHT

INTERPOL CRACKING DOWN ON INTERNATIONAL HAIR TRADE

HEATHER MILLS LOOKING FOR CASH SETTLEMENT IN PHONE HACKING CASE

FILIPINO DWARVES CREATE COLONY, YELLOW BRICK ROAD

SWEDEN CRACKING DOWN ON HOMEMADE NUCLEAR REACTORS

ISRAEL HITS HAMAS TARGETS AFTER GENERAL STRIKE STOPS GARBAGE COLLECTION

HITLER KITTY RAPIDLY TAKING TERRITORY IN ANIMAL SHELTER

CHINA BUILDING MASSIVE AIRCRAFT CARRIER FOR TRAINING AND FLOWER DELIVERY

HOSNI MUBARAK DEFIANTLY REFUSING TO EAT HOSPITAL FOOD

NORWEGIAN PRIME MINISTER REALLY GLAD SHE DIDN’T GO CAMPING LAST WEEK

NORWEGIAN FAILS TO STOP SPREAD OF THE THING IN MASS SHOOTING

PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO NORWAY FOR A LITTLE WHILE AFTER BOMB EXPLODES

CLINTON TELLS THAT JIVE TURKEY TO COOL IT ON HUMAN RIGHTS

BRITAIN JUST ABOUT OUT OF FISH

HAMID KARZAI’S BOTTOM LINE TAKES HIT WITH ASSASSINATION OF BROTHER

INDIA ENDS TWO DAY TRAIN CRASH FREE STREAK WITH DEADLY ACCIDENT

IRAN LAUNCHES ATTACK AGAINST THE INDIAN OCEAN

SOUTH SUDAN MARKS INDEPENDENCE DAY WITH INVASION OF DARFUR

SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH CLEARED IN 1879 MURDER CASE

NEW THAI PRIME MINISTER BELIEVED TO BE MOSTLY A WOMAN

MOSCOW RESIDENTS STILL FEELING THE PAIN OF STALIN’S LEGACY WITH POPLAR INFESTATION

SARKOZY SILENT AFTER PLOT AGAINST STRAUSS-KAHN UNRAVELS

PRINCE HARRY SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING OFFER TO BECOME KING OF CANADA

NORTH KOREA GETTING SERIOUS ABOUT CANNIBALISM

IF HE DIES, HUGO CHAVEZ VOWS TO HAUNT CAPITALISTS FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

HUGO CHAVEZ FIGHTS ILLNESS BROUGHT ON BY RAMPANT CAPITALISM

IRAN SCARES ITSELF INTO MAKING NUCLEAR WEAPONS

ITALY SURPRISES NO ONE BY BEING THE FIRST TO BREAK RANKS IN LIBYA MISSION

IRAN FORMULATES NEW PLAN TO ATTACK FOREIGN COUNTRIES WITH MONKEYS FROM SPACE

U.S. FORMING COALITION GOVERNMENT WITH AFGHAN TALIBAN

AL-ZAWAHIRI INAUGURATION TO TAKE PLACE IN PAKISTAN

AMERICAN SHIPS RETURNING TO VIETNAMESE SHORES TO FINALLY FINISH THE JOB

THE DALAI LAMA QUITE UNDERSTANDABLY MISTAKES AUSTRALIAN PM FOR A MAN

IRAN TO PRODUCE NUCLEAR WEAPON WITHIN TWO MONTHS

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU MAKES MOVES TO RECOGNIZE PALESTINIAN STATEHOOD

SCHOOLCHILDREN GETTING FRONTLINE EDUCATION IN LIBYA

JAPANESE VILLAGE STANDS STRONG AGAINST TSUNAMI FORCES

WAR CRIMES TRIBUNAL CONSIDERING DISMISSAL AFTER MLADIC CLAIMS INNOCENCE

GADDAFI PARANOID ABOUT BEING KILLED BY NATO AFTER NATO THREATENS TO KILL HIM

IN MODERN RUSSIA, VLADIMIR PUTIN TO RETAKE PRESIDENCY

A WOMAN, YES A WOMAN, THE FAVOURITE TO TAKE OVER IMF

SAUDI WOMAN DEFIES BAN BY DRIVING BADLY ACROSS THE COUNTRY

PILOT AND PASSENGER PULLED FROM WRECKAGE OF WWII PLANE NOT SURE WHEN THEY ARE

NEW PROBLEM IN LIBYA; GADDAFI MAY BE INDESTRUCTIBLE

AFTER CONVICTION, 91-YEAR OLD NAZI SET FREE TO KILL AGAIN

PALIN AND BACHMANN UNLIKELY TO FIGHT OUT REPUBLICAN NOMINATION IN MUD WRESTLING RING

DRUNK RUSSIAN ALIEN SUCCUMBS TO EXPOSURE

BRITAIN AN EASY TARGET AS THEY RUN OUT OF MONEY

U.S. HAS NO IMMEDIATE PLANS TO FLY PLANE INTO FORMER BIN LADEN ESTATE

IRAN REMOVES SORCERERS FROM TOP GOVERNMENT POSITIONS

BIN LADEN HOME MOVIES SHOW SOFTER SIDE TO TERRORIST LEADER

GREECE READY TO LEAVE EU AND EVERYONE OKAY WITH THAT

GADDAFI APPARENTLY HEARING SEALS HARPING OUTSIDE HIS COMPOUND

PAKISTANI INTELLIGENCE REMOVES BIN LADEN BUNNIES FROM FAMILY

ROYAL WATCHERS FEAR THE WORST AFTER WILLS AND KATE CANCEL HONEYMOON

IRAN SHEDS LAST REMNANTS OF WESTERN DECADENCE WITH BAN ON DOGS

PRINCE CHARLES STILL WAITING PATIENTLY FOR INVITE TO ROYAL WEDDING

CHINESE GOVERNMENT BANS ALL FORMS OF TIME TRAVEL

HOSNI MUBARAK’S HEART NOT REALLY INTO QUESTIONING

YAKUZA GROUPS STRIKE HUMANITARIAN CHORD WITH TSUNAMI RELIEF EFFORT

LAURENT GBAGBO HAPPILY STEPS DOWN AFTER FOUR MONTH TRANSITION PROCESS

TENSIONS BETWEEN ARMENIA AND GEORGIA REACH PEAK WITH INTERNET ATTACK

JAPAN STILL ROCKIN’ AND ROLLIN’ RECOVERY EFFORT

NATO STRIKES DELIVER BLOW TO REBEL STRONGHOLD NEAR BREGA

DELAY IN PRECHECKED BALLOTS CAUSES ELECTION CHAOS IN NIGERIA

BELGIAN POLITICIANS STILL WAFFLING AFTER SETTING RECORD FOR NO GOVERNMENT

AL-QAEDA JOINS NATO COALITION IN FIGHT AGAINST GADDAFI

ALLIED FORCES MAKING THEMSELVES AT HOME LIBYA

REBEL FORCES TAKE DOWN CANADIAN GOVERNMENT

BRITISH ANARCHISTS FINALLY BREAK THEIR WAY INTO THE RITZ HOTEL

JAPANESE MILITARY ON GUARD AFTER NUKE WORKERS STEP IN RADIOACTIVE WASTE

U.S. AND AL-QAEDA FINALLY FIND COMMON GROUND IN SUPPORT FOR LIBYAN REBELS

WYCLEF JEAN SHOT BY ERRANT PIECE OF GLASS IN HAITI

ANN COULTER LOOKING TO SUNBATHE AT JAPANESE NUCLEAR FACILITIES

GADDAFI WELCOMES EUROPEAN AND AMERICAN VISITORS WITH OPEN ARMS

GADDAFI FORCES CELEBRATE CEASEFIRE WITH ROCKET SHELLS

JAPAN EAGERLY AWAITING WORD FROM HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITIES FOLLOWING DISASTER

THAT THING IN LIBYA STILL GOING ON DESPITE JAPANESE DISASTER

POLL SHOWS 92 PERCENT OF AFGHANS HAVEN’T HEARD OF 9/11, POLLS

EXPERTS CLAIM JAPANESE GOVERNMENT SUPPRESSING NUKE, GIANT LIZARD INFO

THINGS HEATING UP AT JAPANESE NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS

PLAN FOR AUSTRALIA TO ABSORB NEW ZEALAND BACK ON TRACK FOLLOWING EARTHQUAKE

U.S. COAST A LITTLE DAMP AFTER EARTHQUAKE AND TSUNAMI KILLS HUNDREDS IN JAPAN

FRANCE TO BOMB LIBYA AND THEN QUICKLY GIVE IN TO REBEL FORCES

GADDAFI STILL ENJOYING NATIONWIDE GOING AWAY PARTY

WAR IMMINENT AFTER TWO U.S. SOLDIERS KILLED IN GERMANY

UN SANCTIONS ON LIBYA SEIZES GADDAFI HOUSE IN THE HAGUE

MEXICAN TERRORISM JUST NOT TAKING OFF LIKE EVERYONE EXPECTED

TENSIONS IN LIBYA STRAIN FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN OBAMA AND GADDAFI

ARAB NATIONS NOW TAKING APPLICATIONS FOR LEADERSHIP POSITIONS

LIBYA BREAKING UP STREET PARTIES WITH LIVE ROUNDS

CANADA STARTS SPREADING ASBESTOS AROUND THE GLOBE

GRISLY DISCOVERIES REVEAL THAT MOST OF JAPAN’S ELDERLY ARE ALREADY DEAD

MEXICAN MILITARY SENDS SCOUTING UNIT TO TEXAS IN PRELUDE TO INVASION

VEGAS ODDSMAKERS TAKING BETS ON WHICH DICTATOR WILL BE THE NEXT TO FALL

IN THE MIDST OF PROTESTS ALGERIA SHUTS DOWN INTERNET ACCESS FOR ALL 14 USERS

MUBARAK STEPS DOWN BUT DRIVERS STILL FRUSTRATED AT TRAFFIC SNARLS IN TAHRIR SQUARE

BERLUSCONI CONTINUING TO HAVE SEX EVEN AS PROTESTS MOUNT

DESPITE CONCERNS GEOLOGISTS DETERMINE THAT CHINA IS IN NO DANGER OF COLLIDING WITH THE U.S.

WORLD’S MOST FAMOUS PARASAILING DONKEY DIES OF HEART FAILURE

HOSNI MUBARAK FEELING ALL ALONE AFTER RULING PARTY QUITS COUNTRY

FACEBOOK OFFICIALS DEEPLY CONCERNED AFTER EGYPT SHUTS DOWN ACCESS TO SOCIAL NETWORKS

BULL SHARKS STALKING AUSTRALIAN STREETS

STUXNET WORM STILL IN HIDING; WORLD DOMINATION POSSIBLE

OSAMA BIN LADEN THREATENS FRANCE, INFIDELS, SOME GUY NAMED MIKE

BABY DOC DUVALIER WILLING TO ACCEPT BURDEN OF RULE IN HAITI AGAIN

EVERYONE TO GET A CHANCE AT BEING PRESIDENT IN TUNISIA

MOSSAD DEMANDS RETURN OF CAPTURED SPY VULTURE

U.S. BORDER PATROL BEEFING UP PRESENCE IN AFGHANISTAN

CHINA THE CHIEF SUSPECT AFTER HONG KONG ACTIVIST DIES FROM LONG CANCER BATTLE

THE APOCALYPSE COMES EARLY FOR AUSTRALIA

LAURENT GBAGBO SETTLES IN FOR A NEW YEAR AS LEADER OF IVORY COAST

EGYPT STARTS THE NEW YEAR OFF WITH A BANG

BRAZIL SOLVES POPULATION PROBLEMS WITH MASSIVE UNDERWATER CITIES

GEORGE CLOONEY SEEKS TO END SUDANESE CONFLICT AND GET THE GIRL

SOUTH KOREA READY TO TAKE BACK TITLE OF BEST KOREA

TURKEY RETHINKING POSITION ON ARMENIAN GENOCIDE AFTER TONGUE LASHING FROM KIM KARDASHIAN

CHINA SET TO BAN ENGLISH AHEAD OF WORLD DOMINATION

OFFICIALS TAKE NOTE AS ITALIAN RESIDENTS NOW START COMPLAINING ABOUT THE SMELL

FIJI ADJUSTING TO A NEW LIFE WITHOUT WATER

SYDNEY TO BE EXCAVATED FOR NATURAL GAS DEPOSIT

KABUL DEEMED THE SAFEST CITY IN THE WORLD

MOST QUEBECERS EMBRACE EUTHANASIA; REST OF CANADA HAS NO PROBLEM WITH THAT

IRAN LOOKING TO REVAMP OUTDATED STONING PROCEDURES

CANADIAN CROSSBOW CONTROL PROGRAM FACING MAJOR CHALLENGES AFTER MURDER

HEATING COSTS EXPECTED TO SKYROCKET AFTER SPANISH WOMAN PURCHASES THE SUN

LEONARDO DICAPRIO BRUSHES OFF ADVANCES FROM VLADIMIR PUTIN DURING RUSSIAN VISIT

INVESTIGATORS FIND JAWBONE NOT THAT OF NATALEE HOLLOWAY, TOSS IT BACK

NORTH KOREAN FIREWORKS DISPLAY GOES AWRY AND PUMMELS SOUTH KOREA

NEW URANIUM PLANT SHOWS NORTH KOREA IS STILL BEST KOREA

IRELAND PURSUES BAILOUT FUNDS IN LIQUID FORM

UNITED NATIONS RULING ALLOWS FOR THE ARBITRARY KILLING OF GAYS

GERMANY GIVES NOTICE OF IMPENDING ATTACK

KATE MIDDLETON STAYING OUT OF PARIS FOLLOWING ENGAGEMENT TO PRINCE WILLIAM

IRISH NAVY VICTORIOUS AGAINST POD OF PILOT WHALES

LUCRATIVE SOUTH AFRICAN URINE MARKET GETS A BOOST IN DURBAN

CHOLERA DEATH TARGET ON TRACK IN HAITI

OFFICIALS: MASKED MAN SNEAKING INTO CANADA DID NOT RECEIVE AEROPLAN MILES

THE LAST OF MEXICO’S POLICE FORCE CALLS IT QUITS AFTER ATTACK

AFGHAN GOVERNMENT GIVEN BAGS AND BAGS OF MONEY BY IRAN

HITLER EXHIBIT TEACHING A NATION HOW TO HATE AGAIN

VLADIMIR PUTIN AND WIFE MOVE INTO THE FIRST MOTEL 6 IN RUSSIA

BRITISH WAR MACHINE RAMPS UP AS PROTESTS THREATEN TO SHUT DOWN FRANCE

STONEHENGE TRAVELLER SACRIFICED NEAR MONUMENT

KIMCHI CRISIS THREATENS TO FURTHER DESTABILIZE KOREAN PENINSULA

QUEEN ELIZABETH DECIDES TO CANCEL CHRISTMAS

SOME CHILEAN MINERS DECIDE TO STAY TRAPPED RATHER THAN FACE ANGRY WIVES

TOXIC SLUDGE FLOODING HUNGARY BRINGS LITTLE CHANGE FOR RESIDENTS

GERMAN OFFICIALS ASSURE PUBLIC THAT DESPITE GOOGLE STREET VIEW COUNTRY IS NOT REALLY BLURRY

UKRAINIAN AUTHORITIES CHALLENGE ZEUS AND BRING DEATH TO US ALL

KIM JONG-UN GIVEN PRESIDENTIAL HAIR DRYER

UNITED STATES DECLARES WAR ON THE PHILIPPINES

INDIA ABOUT TO SINK INTO THE EARTH’S CORE

FRESH BOMB HOAX PROMPTS OFFICIALS TO PUSH FOR THE REAL THING

KILLER SPIDERS TAKING OVER MADAGASCAR

COLOMBIAN POLICE TAKE DOWN INFAMOUS LORENZO THE PARROT

BRITISH POLICE ON THE HUNT FOR SERIAL KILLER SWAN

GERMANY MAKING PLANS TO LIQUIDATE GYPSY CAMPS, AGAIN

MI5 PLANNING SPECTACULAR IRA ATTACK

TONY BLAIR MEMOIR INCLUDES LINES FROM DIE HARD, STAR WARS

MASSIVE NEW ZEALAND QUAKE SHOWS WEALTHY COUNTRIES UNPREPARED FOR DISASTERS

CHINESE SUPER WEAPON TO DECIDE THE FATE OF THE PACIFIC

PAKISTAN FLOODING LEAVES MILLIONS WET AND ANNOYED: U.N.

THE MOST ISOLATED MAN IN THE WORLD ‘KIND OF A JERK’

STUDY FINDS CANADIANS MOSTLY MADE OF PLASTIC

ISRAEL ISSUED DOUBLE DARE ON IRAN ATTACK

U.N. SECRETARY GENERAL IMPRESSED WITH SCALE OF DESTRUCTION IN PAKISTAN

IRANIANS BEGIN TRADITIONAL SUMMER GRAVE DIGGING FESTIVAL

EUROPE WAITING FOR CHANCE TO STRIKE AS HEAT WAVE DEATH TOLL INCREASES IN RUSSIA

CASTRO PLANNING NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE AGAIN

TIBETAN MASTIFF SETS RECORD FOR MOST EXPENSIVE MEAL IN CHINA

WYCLEF JEAN TO FOLLOW IN BEST TRADITION OF HAITIAN LEADERSHIP

WINSTON CHURCHILL’S SECRET ALIEN PARENTAGE REVEALED

PETA INVESTIGATING TAIWANESE MOSQUITO HOLOCAUST

UMBRELLA SALES SPIKE IN FLOODED NORTHWEST PAKISTAN

VLADIMIR PUTIN ARRIVES TO PUT OUT MASSIVE RUSSIAN FIRE PERSONALLY

BOSNIAN MAN TARGETED BY ALIENS OSTRACIZED BY SOCIETY

ANTI-IMMIGRATION PARTY ASKED TO LEAVE BUCKINGHAM PALACE

NEW IRISH GUN LAW EXPECTED TO BRING INCREASE IN DRUNKEN SHOOTINGS

DUTCH TEEN TO BECOME NEXT PERSON TO FAIL IN AROUND THE WORLD SEA VOYAGE

CHINESE OFFICIALS: UFO WITNESSES DID NOT SEE ANYTHING

GREENLAND LAUNCHES ICEBERG AGAINST EASTERN SEABOARD OF CANADA

HAITIANS HOPING FOR ANOTHER QUAKE AS MONEY RUNS DRY

LEPRECHAUN INQUIRY VINDICATES CHARGES OF COLLUSION

SOUTH AFRICAN NUCLEAR DEVICE STILL DOESN’T SELL AT 200 BUCKS

ECONOMIC CHALLENGES, GIANT LIZARDS FACING NEW JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER

BOSNIA FINALLY GETS AROUND TO BURYING MASSACRE VICTIMS

GERMAN COURT LEGALIZES EUTHANASIA, AGAIN

KIM JONG-IL EAGERLY ANTICIPATING BIEBER FEVER

NAOMI CAMPBELL STILL TOO BIG FOR WAR CRIMES TRIBUNAL

IRAN JUST ABOUT READY WITH THE NUKES

NORTH KOREA DEMANDS 100 TRILLION DOLLARS

WORLD PREPARES AID PACKAGE AS EARTHQUAKE SHAKES CANADA

JORAN VAN DER SLOOT HESITANT TO MARRY AFTER RECENT HEARTBREAKS

CHINA IN EARLY NEGOTIATIONS TO BUY GREECE

ZIMBABWE MOVES TROOPS TO BORDER AS BOTSWANA INCREASE VUVUZELA PRODUCTION

IRANIAN OFFICIALS SHOCKED OVER HUMAN RIGHTS CRITICISM

ISRAEL FREAK FRUITS FORGE A NEW PATH TO MIDDLE EAST PEACE

ETHNIC VIOLENCE IN KYRGYZSTAN FLARES; CHRISTINA AGUILERA’S NEW ALBUM FLOPS

MYANMAR TRYING TO BUILD NUCLEAR WEAPONS FOR SOME BIZARRE REASON

NO ONE REALLY CARES AS SWITZERLAND IS INVADED BY ELEPHANTS

GERMANS CELEBRATE 66TH ANNIVERSARY OF D-DAY INVITATION

JORAN VAN DER SLOOT STILL HAVING TERRIBLE LUCK WITH GIRLS

ISRAELI BLOCKADE PUTS AN END TO MILEY CYRUS CONCERTS

TALIBAN BRINGING WAR GAME SHOW TO PAKISTANI COUNTRYSIDE

POLAND COOKING UP SOMETHING FOR MUSLIM IMMIGRANTS

“VOTING” UNDERWAY IN ETHIOPIA

160 DEAD AS OVERLOADED INDIAN PLANE GOES OFF RUNWAY

ATTACK ON SOMALI PARLIAMENT THREATENS NATION’S LAW PAMPHLET

FRENCH WOMAN KEEPS HER HEAD THROUGH IRANIAN CAPTIVITY, RETURNS HOME

FRANCE THREATENS TO PULL OUT OF EUROPE

NEW ZEALAND PRIME MINISTER STICKS HIS FOOT IN HIS MOUTH IN CANNIBALISM FLAP

MUSLIM WOMEN MAY BE FORCED TO GO NAKED IN FRANCE

GREECE ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

GROUND OPENS UP IN ETHIOPIA THREATENING TO SWALLOW THE CONTINENT

ASSASSINATED TALIBAN LEADER RETURNS FROM THE DEAD

SOUTH KOREA VOWS HARSH LANGUAGE OVER WARSHIP SINKING

GREEK OFFICIALS CONSIDER LETTING GERMANY TAKE OVER AS DEBT CRISIS WORSENS

MANUEL NORIEGA FINALLY GETS ANOTHER NIGHT IN PARIS

NOAH’S ARK FOUND IN TURKEY BUT APPARENTLY NOT SEAWORTHY

CHINESE ONE CHILD POLICY MAY BE EASED TO AID IN EFFORT TO RULE THE WORLD

AFTER ROUGH START TO THE YEAR WAVE OF BOMBINGS KILL DOZENS IN IRAQ

FERDINAND MARCOS MAKES SURPRISE APPEARANCE ON CAMPAIGN TRAIL

U.N. MULLING PLAN TO ELIMINATE ICELAND PERMANENTLY

ALL THREE PLANES IN FINNISH AIR FORCE GROUNDED BY VOLCANIC ASH

WHALING PEACE PLAN EXPECTED TO GO AHEAD THIS YEAR

AHMADINEJAD DECLARES IRAN THE MIGHTIEST COUNTRY EVER

END OF THE WORLD COMES EARLY FOR EUROPE

RAPE IN CAMBODIA FINALLY ON THE RISE

TERRORISTS FINALLY GET A HOLD OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS

CHINESE EARTHQUAKE STILL DOESN’T BEAT HAITI

U.S. CONSIDERING JUST NUKING AFGHANISTAN FROM ORBIT

OUSTED PRESIDENT OF KYRGYZSTAN KEEPS TALKING LIKE ANYONE CARES

POLAND CONSIDERS BANNING AIRFLIGHT AFTER PRESIDENT DIES IN CRASH

METALLICA ANNOYING THE TALIBAN AND PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE ELSE

ITALIANS ON ALERT FOR WILD PROSTITUTES

LAST MEMBER OF WORLD’S EARLIEST TRIBE FINALLY DIES

SWIMMING LESSONS GO AWRY AS DOZENS OF BABIES WASH ASHORE IN CHINA

WOMEN’S RIGHTS SET TO BLOW UP ALONGSIDE MOSCOW METRO

IRAN REPORTEDLY PLANNING NEW ATOMIC SITES IN ISRAEL, U.S.

RUSSIAN MILITARY ON HIGH ALERT AFTER STRING OF ICICLE ATTACKS

NETANYAHU DISTRAUGHT AFTER BEING STOOD UP FOR DINNER

COSTA RICA INVESTIGATING MYSTERY BEHIND GIANT BALLS

LENIN UNHURT AFTER ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT

ALERT FOR NATION OF GEORGIA

OFFICIALS FEAR POTENTIAL VIKING INVASION AHEAD OF 2012 OLYMPIC GAMES

INSIDER INSINUATES THAT NORTH KOREAN GOVERNMENT MAY BE CORRUPT

ISRAELI POLICE MAKING EFFORT TO ARREST CHILDREN PROPERLY

ETHNIC VIOLENCE IN NIGERIA LEAVES HUNDREDS OF NIGERIANS DEAD

ZOMBIE WOOLY MAMMOTHS STALKING NORTHERN SIBERIA

GRIZZLY BEARS INVADING CANADA’S CAPITAL

IRAQI ELECTIONS START OFF WITH A BANG

MEDVEDEV BEGINS PURGE AFTER PITIFUL OLYMPICS

DUBAI AQUARIUM CRACK SEALED UNTIL BETTER OPPORTUNITY ARRIVES

700 DEAD, 2 MILLION COMPLAINING AFTER CHILEAN QUAKE

ENGLAND TO WIPE OUT MOST EMBARRASSING HISTORICAL EVENTS

TURKISH COUP ATTEMPT MOSTLY CONCERNS TURKS

NATO STILL RACKING UP CIVILIAN KILLS IN AFGHANISTAN

JAPAN TO RESUME HUNT FOR LAST REMAINING WHALES

FLOODING IN PORTUGAL KILLS 38, MOSTLY PORTUGUESE

HARDLY ANYONE NOTICES AS DUTCH GOVERNMENT COLLAPSES

EVERY SINGLE CHINESE PERSON HAS FEELINGS HURT OVER DALAI LAMA VISIT

SARKOZY VISITS HAITI BUT RETURNS WITHOUT SLAVES

NEW COLOMBIAN LAW WILL ONLY ALLOW DEAD PEOPLE TO BE BURIED

CLINTON: IRAN PURSUING NUCLEAR ARMS, CHEMICAL LEGS

EU OFFERS GREECE ‘MORAL SUPPORT’

YULIA TYMOSHENKO ELECTION LOSS MAKES UKRAINE JOKE

EGYPT SET TO UNVEIL KING TUT DNA RESULTS ON ‘MAURY’

MEIN KAMPF TO BE REPUBLISHED IN GERMANY; MOVIE IN THE WORKS

FUTURISTIC RUSSIAN JET NOT REALLY FROM THE FUTURE

AUSTRALIA TO PAY FOR PORN STAR BREAST ENHANCEMENTS

PERU CLEARS OUT MACHU PICCHU AS PRELUDE TO INVASION

UNREPENTANT BLAIR READY TO ATTACK IRAQ AGAIN

ETHIOPIAN AIRPLANE CRASH LIKELY A RESULT OF THE PLANE BEING ETHIOPIAN

BIN LADEN CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR CHRISTMAS DAY ATTACK, ROBBINS-SARANDON SPLIT

HAITI QUAKE RESCUE OVER, EVERYONE GOING HOME

CHINA CLOSE TO FINALLY KILLING REMAINING WILD TIGERS

MAN WHO SHOT POPE FREE AND OFF TO DISNEYWORLD, AFTER A SMALL DETOUR

WORLD SHOCKED AS BOMBS EXPLODE, IN AFGHANISTAN

IRAQI OFFICIALS NOT SURE HOW TO EXECUTE CHEMICAL ALI SO MANY TIMES

RESCUE WORKERS FINDING HAITI “ICKY AND GROSS”

HAITIANS JUST LYING AROUND AS TOURISM DRIES UP

IRAQI WOMEN FORCED INTO REALLY BORING SEX SLAVERY

PORT-AU-PRINCE VASTLY IMPROVED AFTER QUAKE SHAKES THINGS UP IN HAITI

AUSCHWITZ ASKING FOR HELP, AGAIN

MILLIONS OF CHINESE MEN UNLIKELY TO EVER GET LAID AGAIN

HAITIAN SLAVERY FALLS TO ALL TIME LOWS

JAPANESE MAN SURVIVES HIROSHIMA AND NAGASAKI ONLY TO DIE OF OLD AGE

PAKISTANI BOMBING STARTS NEW YEAR OFF WITH A BANG

ISRAEL AT A LOSS AS EXECUTIONS FAIL TO DERAIL PEACE IN WEST BANK

CIA DEALT ‘DEVASTATING BLOW’ BY TALIBAN FORCES

YEMEN READY TO STRIKE WITH TERRORIST FORCES WHENEVER THEY ARE NEEDED

RUSSIA CONSIDERS DOING AWAY WITH TIME

WOMAN WHO KNOCKED DOWN POPE DIDN’T EVEN SEE HIM STANDING THERE

DOCTORS TO INVESTIGATE WHY HUGO CHAVEZ KEEPS SMELLING SULPHUR

TERRORIST GERRY ADAMS OPENS UP ABOUT TOUGH CHILDHOOD

IRAN ADMITS A COUPLE OF PRISONERS WERE BEAT TO DEATH

AFRICA FINALLY STARTING TO FATTEN UP

PHILIPPINE VOLCANO STILL A DANGER, TO FILIPINOS

TONY BLAIR ADMITS HE WOULD HAVE GONE INTO IRAQ BY HIMSELF

NAZI TWINS FIGHTING NAZI PAST

CATHOLIC CHURCH ORDERS FEEDING TUBE FOR SLEEPING MAN

HUNGARY ORDERS CHIMNEYS CLOSED TO SANTA TO PREVENT H1N1 SPREAD

U.S. SOLDIERS COMPLAINING ABOUT DIFFICULTY LEVEL IN AFGHAN WAR

HONDURAS TENSE AS ELECTION TESTS MATH SKILLS

RECORD SETTING MASSACRE BRINGS JUBILATION TO THE PHILIPPINES

CHINESE COAL MINE DISASTER ONLY KILLS 87

INDIAN MAN UNWELCOME IN EVERY COUNTRY ON THE PLANET

BELGIAN PRIME MINISTER BECOMES FIRST CREEPY PRESIDENT OF THE E.U.

IRAQI MILITARY CONTRACTOR IN HOT WATER AFTER DESTROYING RECYCLABLES

HUNGRY RUSSIANS STILL TRYING TO NORMALIZE CANNIBALISM

ANCIENT PERSIAN ARMY FINALLY SHOWS UP FOR WORK

MILLIONS CELEBRATE LOUSY CONSTRUCTION OF BERLIN WALL

FRANCE TRIES TO CALM CONCERNS ABOUT DESIGNER NUCLEAR REACTORS

NIGERIAN SPACE AGENCY GETS NEW ROCKS TO THROW AT THE MOON

NOTHING REALLY LOST AS SWINE FLU SHUTS UKRANIAN SCHOOLS

NAZI MEMOIR MAY REVEAL IF HITLER WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE HOLOCAUST

GIANT SHARK THREATENS TO DEVOUR AUSTRALIA

AFGHANISTAN WAR ZONE DECLARED UNSAFE AFTER AMERICAN SOLDIERS KILLED

SARKOZY FINALLY STARTING TO GET OVER OBAMA

ALBINO HUNT COMES UNDER FIRE IN AFRICA  

AUSTRALIA GOES ROGUE AND SIDES WITH THE TERROISTS

RUSSIA PREPARES TO NUKE THE REST OF THE WORLD

SWEDEN TEMPORARILY KNOCKED OFF THE PLANET

AMERICANS URGED TO STOP SENDING JUNK FOOD TO STARVING PEOPLE

FRANCE THROWN INTO CHAOS AFTER GIANT DINOSAUR FOOTPRINTS FOUND

INDONESIAN EARTHQUAKE KILLS MOSTLY JERKS

PHILIPPINES RIDING THE WAVE OF TROPICAL STORM KETSANA

MADELEINE MCCANN PARENTS PLAN TO ‘JUST GET LOST’ DURING TRIP TO PORTUGAL

CANADIAN OFFICIALS EXPECT NATIVES WILL NEED BODY BAGS NO MATTER WHAT

TERRORISTS BEING STARVED OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME

FRENCH TO FORGO MONEY IN FAVOUR OF SMILES

SOMEONE FINALLY LISTENS TO THE MAORI

SUDAN FINES WOMAN FOR WEARING CLASHING PANTS IN PUBLIC

TYPOGRAPHY TERRORISTS NABBED TRYING TO BOMB IKEA HEADQUARTERS

LIBYA VOICES WORLD’S DESIRE TO DISSOLVE SWITZERLAND

SEA TURTLES THREATENING CARIBBEAN AFTER BAHAMAS OUTLAWS KILLING

SON SUES TO CLEAR STALIN’S NAME

SOUTH KOREAN MISSILE GOES ASTRAY AMIDST GIGGLING FROM THE NORTH

HAMID KARZAI ACCUSED OF RIGGING ELECTION BETTER THAN OPPONENT

EUROPE SHUDDERS AS ANGELA MERKEL DECLARED MOST POWERFUL WOMAN

LOCKERBIE BOMBER FREE AND READY TO GO AGAIN

CAPITALISM FINALLY WINNING THE TOILET PAPER WAR

TALIBAN STRUGGLING AFTER DEATH OF LEADER

WORLD’S OLDEST MAN LAID TO REST DESPITE FEEBLE PROTESTS

MAN DIES TRYING TO SET WORLD RECORD FOR SPINNING IN CIRCLES

CHARLES TAYLOR BECOMES INTERIOR DESIGNER; SAYS HUMAN SKULLS ARE IN

NEW ZEALAND COMES WITHIN RICHTER POINTS OF A TSUNAMI

IRANIAN DEATH TOLL REMAINS UNKNOWN BUT BELIEVED TO BE MOSTLY GAY

AFRICA TO END TYRANNY AND CORRUPTION AFTER OBAMA SPEECH

POPE COMES OUT AGAINST SPAYING AND NEUTERING PETS

MILITARY OFFICIALS WARN AFGHANISTAN RUNNING OUT OF AFGHANS

NOT EVEN PRESIDENT WANTS TO LIVE IN HONDURAS

IRAQ CELEBRATE VICTORY OVER AMERICAN INVADERS

IRANIAN AUTHORITIES PIONEER MULTIPLE VOTE SYSTEM

SOUTH AFRICANS “SHOCKED” OVER RAPE SURVEY RESULTS

IRANIAN PUBLIC STILL EXCITED ABOUT ELECTION RESULTS

U.S. TO DO NOTHING ABOUT POSSIBLE NORTH KOREAN ATTACK ON PEARL HARBOR

YACHT COMPLETED, RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE PLANS GIANT SPACE LASER

NETANYAHU MAKES PLANS TO SUMMER IN NEW PALESTINIAN STATE

EVERYONE WINS IN IRANIAN ELECTION

AIR FRANCE CRASH INVESTIGATION HIGHLIGHTS DANGER OF BLACK BOX DEPENDENCE

THOUSANDS GO UNRAPED AND UNABUSED IN IRISH CATHOLIC SCHOOLS

NIGERIA FREES DOZENS OF PRISONERS THROUGH LOOPHOLE IN CEILING

AIR FRANCE LOSES PLANE BUT SECURES LUGGAGE

ABU GHARIB PHOTOS SHOW RAPE AND ABUSE MUCH LIKE U.S. PRISONS

NETHERLANDS LOOKING TO IMPORT PRISONERS AS CRIME DRIES UP

IRAN ROCKS THE CASBAH WITH WARSHIPS IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS

WORLD SHOCKED AS NORTH KOREA DROPS THE N-BOMB

IRISH FINALLY ADMIT ACCENT WAS ALL ABOUT THE CHICKS

ANNUAL MONARCHY POLL SHOWS QUEEN ELIZABETH LOSING GROUND

BURMESE OFFICIALS ACCUSED OF RUSHING TRIAL, ABSOLVED OF MASS MURDER

POPE BENEDICT PROMOTES EMBRACE OF THE HOLOCAUST

LATE SNOWFALL BURNS AFGHAN CIVILIANS

HUNDREDS KILLED IN POORLY DESIGNED NO-FIRE ZONE

LAOS DECIDES TO STOP KILLING PREGNANT WOMEN

41 DEAD IN KILLER TURKISH WEDDING

EGYPT STARTS BUTCHERY IN SWINE HOLOCAUST

NORWAY TO RAPE AND PILLAGE FUTURE BY BANNING CARS

IRASCIBLE IRAN NOW GOING AFTER PEACE LOVING EGYPT

RACIST COUNTRIES WALK OUT ON RACIST AHMADINEJAD SPEECH

BRITISH GOVERNMENT CONSIDERS CONVERTING BIG BEN TO DIGITAL

CANADIANS TO COMPLETELY WIPE AWAY MEMORY OF BILLY BOB THORNTON

MEXICAN OFFICIALS TO REDUCE CARTEL DEATH TOLL BY IGNORING MURDERS

MAMA MIA! HOLY WEEK EARTHQUAKE KILLS DOZENS IN HOLY LAND

REPORTS INDICATE CARLA BRUNI DEPRESSED AS MICHELLE OBAMA MOVES ON

JAPANESE OFFICIALS LAUGH OFF KOREAN ROCKET LAUNCH AS ‘KIA-TASIC’

LATIN WORLD EMBRACES FRITZLMANIA

MEXICAN MORTICIANS MAKING A KILLING AS DRUG WAR SPIRALS

FRITZL CASE SPARKS GLOBAL INCESTUOUS EMBRACE

JOSEF FRITZL PLEADS GUILTY BEFORE REALIZING PRISONS DO NOT HAVE CELLARS

POPE DISCOURAGES CONDOMS IN EFFORT TO CULL THE HERD

TOURISM SURGES AS NEW ZEALAND’S WOMEN GROW LARGER BREASTS

SUDANESE KIDNAPPERS BOOTED FROM TERRORIST NETWORK AFTER LAME KIDNAPPING

RUSSIA DEPLOYING BOMBERS LIKE IT’S 1959

POOR COUNTRIES GOING ABSOLUTELY AND TOTALLY INSANE

GERMANS UP THE ANTE FOR AMERICAN SCHOOL SHOOTERS

SCIENTISTS FEAR CHIMPANZEE UPRISING IMMINENT

TENSION RISES AS NORTH KOREA REFUSES TO CALL SOUTH

CANADIAN BORDER PATROLS INCREASE AS AMERICAN REFUGEES FLEE

NO ONE SUPRISED AS HUGO CHAVEZ REACTS TO ECONOMIC CRISIS WITH DICTATORIAL RULE

SECRET GERMAN POLICE OPERATION ROUTES OUT NEO-NAZIS

NICARAGUA FIGHTING OFF VAMPIRE INVASION

BRITISH POLICE DECIDE TO ENCOURAGE CHAOS ON STREETS

U.S. THROWING SUPPORT BEHIND IRANIAN NUCLEAR PROGRAM

IRAN LOOKS TO HOLLYWOOD TO HEAL WOUNDS WITH U.S.

RIGHT WING ATTACKS OBAMA PLAN TO EVICT SOLDIERS FROM IRAQ

IDF CLAIMS THAT EVERYTHING ANYONE DOES IS TERRORISM

IRAQI OFFICIALS CLAIM ABU GHARIB NOW A PRISONER PARADISE

FRENCH NAVY CLAIMS BRITISH SUBMARINE DRIVING ON WRONG SIDE OF THE OCEAN

AUSTRALIAN WILDFIRE DEATH TOLL RISES AS RESIDENTS UNWILLING TO GET OUT OF THE WAY

OSCAR MAYER OFFICIALS PITCHING BACON AS PATH TO MIDDLE EAST PEACE

ISRAEL ANNOUNCES GAZA CEASEFIRE JUST IN TIME FOR OBAMA INAGURATION

WORLD YAWNS AS ISRAEL INVADES GAZA

ISRAELI ATTACKS ON GAZA HIGHLIGHT FAILURE OF CEASE FIRE

POPE’S APPEAL FOR MID-EAST PEACE FALLS ON SURPRISINGLY DEAF EARS

WORLD WATCHES AS CANADA IS BLANKETED IN MYSTERIOUS WHITE POWDER

ROMANIA REMOVES THEORY OF EVOLUTION FROM SCHOOLS; MOVES CLOSER TO STONE AGE

GREEK RIOTS SPARK GLOBAL REALIZATION THAT GREECE IS STILL A COUNTRY

CANADIAN POLITICIANS ESCHEW DEMOCRACY IN FAVOUR OF WINNING

AMERICA CLAIMS INDIAN TERRORIST ATTACKS AS THEIR OWN

ICELANDIC PROTESTS TURN VIOLENT; GOVERNMENT MAKES PLANS TO SELL NATION

U.N. OFFICIALS PROPOSE CONTRACTING MEMBERSHIP, REDUCING NUMBER OF COUNTRIES

MADELEINE MCCANN RENEWS CALL FOR HELP FINDING PARENTS

KIM JONG-IL NOT DEAD, DECLARES NORTH KOREA ONE NATION UNDER HIP-HOP

SWEDISH PIRATES OUTRAGED OVER NEW ANTI-PIRACY LAW

OSAMA BIN LADEN TO PAY TRIBUTE TO RONALD REAGAN IN NEWEST VIDEO

PSYCHIC PREDICTS ALIEN INVASION, LOGIC AND REASON INDICATE OTHERWISE

CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER HARPER SET FOR EPIC ELECTION FAIL

ROBERT MUGABE PLEDGES ZIMBABWEAN HELP FOR UNITED STATES CASH CRISIS

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD DECLARES AMERICAN EMPIRE NEARING ITS END, LEARNING TO PLAY VIOLIN

KIM JONG-IL DEAD? REPLACED BY PUPPET?

PRINCESS DIANA TRIBUTES STILL ANNOYING AFTER ELEVEN YEARS

SPANISH PLANE CRASH LEAVES RACISTS ALIVE

MISSILE DEFENSE PLAN CAUSES GERMANS TO POUR OVER POLISH BORDER

ITALIAN PIRATES PIRATING PIRATE SITE

U.S. AND POLAND AGREE ON MISSILES FOR SAUSAGES PACT

GREENPEACE PETITIONS GOVERNMENTS TO OPEN UP GRAVES

GEORGIAN FORCES PULLING BACK TO ATLANTA

CHINESE OFFICIALS ANGRY OVER RUSSIAN WAR, JOHN EDWARDS AFFAIR

RUSSIA INVADES GEORGIA, ATLANTA RESIDENTS ON ALERT

BEIJING BANNING DRAGONS FROM OLYMPIC VENUES

AFRICAN NATIONS TO DONATE WATER SUPPLIES TO EUROPE

AFRICAN VIOLENCE SPREADS WEST TO SOUTH AMERICA

ANTI-TIBET ACTIVISTS PROTEST LACK OF ATTENTION

DIGGING YOURSELF OUT OF A HOLE MAKES HOLES BIGGER, MAN LEARNS

ISLAMISTS DECRY “MUSLIMIFICATION” OF ISLAM

JOSEF MENGELE’S BIRTHDAY GOES UNMARKED AGAIN

PEACE TALKS BREAK DOWN IN FACE OF NAME CALLING

SOCIALISTS SPEND MOST TIME ON SOCIAL WEBSITES: STUDY

PENNSYLVANIA MISTAKEN FOR TRANSYLVANIA; VAMPIRES OUTRAGED

RASH OF U.S. SHOOTINGS BRINGS GLOBAL OUTRAGE

IRAN EXPANDS SANCTIONS ON U.S.

PLANS FOR “GREAT WALL OF MONGOLIA” FINALIZED