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Business
William Ashford
Health
Lauren Hebert
U.S.A.
Mike Michaels
Everyone Else
Emil Uliya
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Douglas Havermore
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Edward Bastil
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U.S.A.

REPORT FINDS ONE THIRD OF WOMEN IN US MILITARY GO UNRAPED
LA EARTHQUAKE A PRECURSOR TO THE BIG ONE
ROGUE PLANE ATTACKS AND KILLS JOGGER ON SOUTH CAROLINA BEACH
SOUTH CAROLINA POLICE ON ALERT FOR ZOMBIE JAMES BROWN
NEW YORK CABBIE OVERCHARGES PASSENGER BY MILLIONS
COURT OF APPEALS GIVES THE UNDEAD THE RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH
TASTY WAVES EXPECTED IN HAWAII AFTER MASSIVE QUAKE IN CHILE
KILLER WHALE REBELLION BEGINS AT SEAWORLD
CLIMBER UNEXPECTEDLY DIES AFTER FALLING INTO VOLCANO
TREASURY DEPARTMENT CONSIDERING USING MONOPOLY MONEY
DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL REPEAL MAY RESULT IN BETTER UNIFORMS
NEO-NAZIS MAKE PLANS TO EXPAND ADOPTED SECTION OF COLORADO HIGHWAY
LOSER COMMITS SUICIDE AFTER CYBER-BULLYING INCIDENT
U.S. CONSIDERS UNDERWEAR BAN AFTER BOMBING ATTEMPT
NICKELBACK TOPS 9/11, SWINE FLU, IRAQ WAR AS WORST OF THE DECADE
RECESSION KILLS NEW YORK MURDER RATE
AIRLINE EXPERTS ADMIT METAL DETECTORS ARE LARGELY USELESS
NORTHWEST AIRLINES BOMBER WAS PROMISED MILLIONS IN EXCHANGE FOR A SMALL DOWNPAYMENT
JONBENET’S DAD FINALLY GETS AROUND TO INVESTIGATING HER MURDER
UNITED STATES JUST ABOUT READY TO GIVE UP ON DETROIT, CLEVELAND
FABULOUS HOUSTON SUPER HAPPY AS THEY ELECT FIRST GAY MAYOR
DETROIT STUDENTS OFFICIALLY THE STUPIDEST IN THE COUNTRY
FBI TERROR LIST HITS NEW MILESTONE
AFTER 11 DAYS ON THE SUBWAY BOY RETURNED TO “RELIEVED” MOTHER
STUDY SHOWS FEMALE BREADWINNERS FEEL GUILT ABOUT NOT BEING IN THE KITCHEN
CHELSEA CLINTON ENGAGED TO JERK OF A BOYFRIEND
WHITE HOUSE GATE CRASHERS STILL READY TO PARTY
EXPERTS BELIEVE FORT HOOD SHOOTER MAY HAVE BEEN INSANE
D.C. SNIPER EXECUTION THE BEST IN DECADES
FORT HOOD SHOOTER REPORTEDLY STRUGGLED WITH HIS AIM
TRAIN SUICIDES ALL THE RAGE IN CALIFORNIA
ATLANTA TO FINALLY ELECT A WHITE MAYOR
POLICE BELIEVE DECAYING CORPSES FOUND IN RAPIST’S HOUSE WERE LIKELY MURDERED
NEW STARS GET A CHANCE TO SHINE ON UPDATED FBI TEN MOST WANTED LIST
TENNESSEE MAN ADVOCATING INTER-SPECIES MARRIAGE RIGHTS
GIRL FOUND IN LANDFILL WAS LIKELY MURDERED
CARRIE PREJEAN TO RETURN BREAST IMPLANTS
CONSERVATIVE CRITICS UP IN ARMS OVER MARGE SIMPSON PLAYBOY PICTORIAL
FBI ISSUES GLOBAL TSUNAMI WARNING
SAN FRANCISCO SEA LION TURF WAR GETS UGLY
ERIN ANDREWS CASE REVEALS HOLES IN HOTEL SECURITY, WALLS
TEXAS GOVERNOR SAYS STATE HAS NEVER EXECUTED ANYONE
ILLINOIS STUDENT EXPELLED FOR WEARING SHIRT DEPICTING ROUND EARTH
SECRET SERVICE UPSET OVER FACEBOOK POLL, STATUS UPDATES
SOLAR ELECTRIC CHAIR MAKES SPARKS IN NEW GREEN AMERICA
STUDY FINDS ATHEISTS MOST HATED MINORITY; ATHEISTS DON’T BELIEVE IT
NEW LAW LIMITING ROOSTERS CAUSES CHAOS IN LOS ANGELES
GADDAFI STUCK IN NEW YORK WITHOUT A PLACE TO STAY
ESCAPED INSANE KILLER ENJOYING HIS TIME ON THE OUTSIDE
INDEPENDENT CONTRACTORS QUESTIONED IN PLAN TO EXPAND NEW YORK SUBWAY TUNNEL
GROWING NUMBER OF AMERICANS FINDING PEDOPHILES IN THEIR BACKYARDS
PARENTS ARRESTED AFTER MAKING CHILD EAT IRON WEIGHTS
BUDGET CRISIS FORCES CALIFORNIA TO BURN THOUSANDS OF ACRES
DEATH OF FAMOUS JOURNALISTS PROMPTS SHODDY INVESTIGATION
MILITARY ENTHUSIASTS ADD RAPE, MURDER TO VIETNAM WAR RE-ENACTMENT
SQUEAKY FROMME SEEN SKULKING AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE

HELICOPTER AND PLANE FUSION GOES AWRY ON THE HUDSON

BTK AND TED BUNDY VIE FOR BEST SERIAL KILLER AWARD

PIZZA HARASSMENT BECOMING EPIDEMIC ACROSS U.S.

SATANIST GROUP CLAIMS DEVIL GETTING A BAD RAP

MURDER/SUICIDE A RESULT OF GROWING G.I. JOE COLLECTION

CIA INVESTIGATES VIETNAM LINK IN ROBERT MCNAMARA DEATH

WINDED VISITORS ANNOYED AS STATUE OF LIBERTY REOPENS

UNITED STATES LOOKING INTO GROWING JELLYFISH THREAT

PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE SUED AFTER MAN FAILS TO WIN

GM CHIEF QUESTIONED IN DC SUBWAY CRASH

TEST CONFIRMS MICHIGAN MAN REALLY LIKES DNA TESTS

PUBLIC PANICKED AS ASBESTOS EMERGENCY DECLARED IN MONTANA

HOLOCAUST MUSEUM SHOOTING LEAVES GENTILE DEAD

TEEN SURVIVOR OF GENOCIDE DREADS GRADUATION

SAN QUENTIN INMATES WORRIED ABOUT PROSPECTIVE SALE

MALE STUDENTS FLOCKING TO FLORIDA AS TEACHER SEX CASES BECOMES EPIDEMIC

NEW YORK LOOKING TO REVAMP MUG SHOT SYSTEM

MASSACHUSETTS MATH TEACHERS NO LONGER REQUIRED TO KNOW MATH

AMMUNITION STARTS TO VANISH ACROSS THE UNITED STATES

NEWS OUTLETS STILL REPORTING ON CARRIE PREJEAN CASE

GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER PROMOTES WEED AS SANTA BARBARA LIGHTS UP

DREW PETERSON ARREST PUTS KINK IN FUTURE MARRIAGE PLANS

COUNTRY ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT POSSIBILITY OF GEORGIA SECEDING 

‘CRAIGSLIST KILLER’ OFFICIALLY HAS THE WORST WEEK EVER

NEW YORKERS PANIC AS PLANE APPEARS IN THE SKY

TEXAS SEEKS REVAMP OF COUNTRY'S ELECTRIC CHAIRS

SOMALI PIRATE STEALING THE HEART OF NEW YORKERS

CALIFORNIA MOM BRINGS NEW ATTENTION TO FEMALE RAPISTS

SCOTT PETERSON DOING JUST FINE ON DEATH ROW

TEXAS REP BETTY BROWN FINDS ASIAN SOLUTION TO EMPLOYMENT ISSUES

US POSTAL SERVICE LICKS THE FUTURE WITH SIMPSONS STAMPS

TEXAS DEATH ROW TO CUT BACK ON LAST MEALS, FINAL WORDS

VERMONT GAY MARRIAGE DECISION PUTS STRAIN ON MARRIAGE LICENSE SUPPLIES

US WOOING BILL MURRAY TO AID IN FIGHT AGAINST PIRATES

GOVERNMENT PROPOSES CHANGE TO 911 NUMBER TO REDUCE IDIOCY

PATRIOTIC ANGER SURGES OVER IMMIGRATION CENTRE SHOOTING

‘OUT OF THE BLUE’ BEHEADING CASTS PALL ON PLANNED BEHEADINGS

NATION DISAPPOINTED AS FARGO EVADES FLOOD DESTRUCTION

CASINOS SHOCKED AS PEOPLE WITH NO MONEY STOP GAMBLING

TOOTH FAIRY MAKING A KILLING AS JOB PROSPECTS DIM

US WORKERS SEEKING LOWER WAGES, MENIAL TASKS

FORECLOSURE WOES HIT CAVEMAN FAMILY

LESSER KNOWN SERIAL KILLERS PETITIONING FOR RELEASE

DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE INVESTIGATING PROCTER & GAMBLE OVER MAGIC ERASER

MCDONALD’S SHOOTING EMPLOYEES WITHOUT HEALTH INSURANCE

NAACP BATTLES NEW YORK POST, CARTOONIST, IRONY

POSSIBLE ARREST IN CHANDRA LEVY CASE STILL LEAVES INTERN DEAD

OCTOMOM REACHING TENTACLES OUT TOWARDS FORECLOSURE

OFFICIALS FEAR APE UPRISING AFTER CHIMPANZEE MAULS WOMAN

ONLY FIFTY KILLED AFTER PLANE CRASHES IN BUFFALO

GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER CONSIDERING CLOSING CALIFORNIA BORDERS

APPLE DEVELOPING ICASKET AS STEVE JOBS TAKES SICK LEAVE

NEW YORK PLANE CRASH DISAPPOINTS JOURNALISTS WITH LACK OF DEATH

DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY TO SECURE PEANUT FACILITIES

FIRE RUINS SANTA’S TRAVEL PLANS

FBI BUSTS SANTA TERRORIST PLOT AS IT’S COMING DOWN THE CHIMNEY

POLICE CLOSE ADAM WALSH CASE DELIGHTING SERIAL KILLERS WORLDWIDE

POLL FINDS 37% OF AMERICANS UNABLE TO LOCATE AMERICA, 70% UNABLE TO READ POLLS

HASBRO SUED OVER “UNFAIR” MONOPOLY

ALASKANS EXCITED TO FINALLY BE A PART OF THE UNION

NYC TO CUT DOWN ON ROAMING AMBULANCES, POLICE CARS TO SAVE ON GAS

ACTUAL JOE SIXPACK SUING REPUBLICAN PARTY

CONFEDERATE REENACTORS PROMISE SECESSION IF OBAMA ELECTED

O.J. SIMPSON CONVICTED ON ALL COUNTS, COMPLETES CLICHE

HOLOCAUST BELIEVER DENIED MEMBERSHIP IN NEO NAZI GROUP, SUES

HURRICANE IKE CLEAN-UP BEGINS DESPITE INSURANCE COMPANY PROTESTS

TEXAS DOESN’T LIKE IKE BUT STILL VOTING REPUBLICAN

MUDERERS ACROSS AMERICA CELEBRATE RELEASE OF CASEY ANTHONY

HURRICANE GUSTAV MISSES NEW ORLEANS, NETWORKS MISS RATINGS GOALS

HURRICANE GUSTAV SENDS RESIDENTS FLEEING, SWEDISH VISITOR CONFUSED

WOULD-BE OBAMA ASSASSINS GAIN SUPPORT FROM MADD

BUSH ON GEORGIA: NOT THE SAME AS IRAQ BECAUSE WE ARE AMERICA

FEMA CONFIRMS THAT WEALTHY RESIDENTS OUT OF THE WAY OF HURRICANE FAY

U.S. CLAIMS RUSSIA INVADED GEORGIA TO GAIN CONTROL OF BIGFOOT

AFTER TEXAS CHUPUCABRA SIGHTING, AMERICANS BRACING FOR MONSTER INVASION

RICHARD COOEY CASE SPARKS LARGER ELECTRIC CHAIRS, THICKER NEEDLES

SKULL AND BONES TO CHANGE NAME TO FLESH AND DECAY?

MAN ACCUSED OF IMPERSONATING POLICE OFFICER DEFENDS SELF IN COURT

CHILDLIKE DRAWING SHOWS CHILD IS NOT A PRODIGY

CONDOM MACHINES DO NOT CAUSE TEENS TO HAVE MORE SEX, LOSER DECRIES

FIGHT ERUPTS AT PEACE RALLY

NEAR DROWNING BRINGS LAWSUIT

NEW BOAT DESIGNED TO GIVE SEALS LESS POUNDING

READERS STRIKE STRETECHES INTO THIRD MONTH

NEW YORK PHILHARMONIC SUED OVER VIOLINIST FINGER INJURY