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NEWS > BUSINESS > JP MORGAN CHASE TO PURSUE FORELOSURE ON BIN LADEN CAVE
JP MORGAN CHASE TO PURSUE FORELOSURE ON BIN LADEN CAVE
October 10 2008
New York, NY – With the economic meltdown continuing to cause panic the world over JP Morgan Chase, one of banking giants that has so far survived the widespread mortgage collapse, has announced that they plan to solve at least one of America’s problems. According to officials Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden had defaulted on a number of payments for his cave hideaway and the bank has issued him foreclosure papers.
“We realize the sensitive situation that many Americans are in today and it is not in our best interest to rush towards foreclosure, but the gross violation of our agreement with Mr. Bin Laden has forced out hand,” said a spokesperson for the company. “We are immediately enacting our rights to foreclose on the cave belonging to Bin Laden and a number of other properties held under his name. I want to make this clear; we are not doing this for political purposes. This is purely an economic decision that Mr. Bin Laden has forced us to make. We will be acting on the foreclosure immediately.”
The company has refused to disclose the location of the foreclosed properties, citing privacy concerns.
“When we have completed the foreclosure the properties will be put up for sale to the general public. Until that time we have a responsibility to respect the privacy of our clients.”
Speculation places the properties somewhere near the Pakistani-Afghan border where Bin Laden is rumoured to have been located for a number of years. Representatives for JP Morgan stated they expect little difficulty in moving the property despite the relative isolation of the area. “There’s always a rich terrorist looking for a cave. They are also within walking distance of two schools and a mosque. We think the locations will move quickly
The news comes as the stock markets continue to slide across the globe and is being hailed by the White House as a victory on the war on terror, as well as a positive example for nervous traders.
“President Bush is ecstatic over the news. Not only is it a positive step forward for the search for terrorists, it reassures ordinary Americans that they are not alone. That even high profile persons go through the same problems they are suffering from, said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino. “We of course will be looking at this transaction very closely, both as a part of our continuing effort to hunt down Bin Laden, but also as part of our efforts to expand our foreign investment portfolio.”
Both Presidential candidates reacted to the news positively, taking time out from their campaigns to issue statements.
“This is a sign that the fundamentals of our economy are strong and that the American people do not need to panic,” said Republican candidate John McCain. “It shows that the war on terror is yielding results and that the economy is starting to rebound. The American people have no more need to worry. As your President I will ensure that these victories will continue. Remember, I’m the Maverick.”
“While this is an interesting and positive development it is by no means a victory in either the war on terror or in the current economic crisis,” said Democratic candidate Barack Obama. “It is good news but does not correct eight years of failed policies by the Bush administration that my opponent John McCain will only seek to continue.”
Reached for comment, Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate Joe Biden said “I voted for that action years ago while my friend John McCain voted against it.”
Republican candidate Sarah Palin stated that she wasn’t sure about foreign investment, but that “Alaska has many caves that the American people can use and we don’t need to rely on foreign caves. Oh yeah, we have lots of energy too, you betcha.”
Reached for comment, representatives for Osama Bin Laden stated the organization was not having money flow problems and that “Our war against western imperialism continues without pause.” The representative also said that the move would force them to change the settings for future videos. “Look for that, we’ve got a really nice set going up.”
William Ashford, Business Correspondent
NEWS > BUSINESS > JP MORGAN CHASE TO PURSUE FORELOSURE ON BIN LADEN CAVE
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