NEWS > BUSINESS > CONTINENTAL AIRLINES TO FINALLY PROHIBIT URINATING ON PASSENGERS

CONTINENTAL AIRLINES TO FINALLY PROHIBIT URINATING ON PASSENGERS

April 17 2009

Honolulu, HI – Air travel has never been the most comfortable way to get from place to place but in the ever more global world it has become a necessity and an evil that most people are willing to endure. From cramped seating to dry air to awkward neighbours the horrors of plane travel are often outweighed by the arrival at the final destination. For most people, especially those travelling to Hawaii, the torture of the
flight would undoubtedly be worth the effort for just a sniff of that beautiful tropical air. For one recent passenger though, that cool sniff was disturbed by the distinct smell of urine.

The recent imprisonment of 28-year old Jerome Kingzio for an incident last month in which he urinated on a fellow passenger while on a flight to Hawaii has put the country’s zero tolerance policy to the test and shown that urinating on people will not be tolerated, even on a Continental flight.

“People have been leaving bodily fluids all over airplanes for years but now it seems they are not taking such actions lightly. In this era of terrorism it seems that you can do very little that won’t
get you in trouble on planes anymore. If they start to include urination, and presumably defecation, among the reasons for prohibiting transit we could be in for a rough time on those long haul flights,” said Scrape TV Airline analyst Jeffry Johnson. “Short jaunts wouldn’t be too much of an issue but if you were say flying from Seattle to Tokyo, well that’s a long time to hold it. You may end with accidents that could result in mass urination and that would start this whole mess over again.”

Terrorism experts have long held a suspicion that Al Qaeda terrorists may use bodily fluids in assaults against American citizens. The decreased ability for those combatants to use traditional weapons, particularly on passenger planes, may mean the use of items more easily smuggled on board.

“An incident like this displays how a terrorist could make effective use of urine while on board a plane. Say a group was to drink a lot of
water before boarding a long distance flight. They could save up that urine and then spread throughout the cabin, causing panic and yuckiness and that could seriously endanger the plane and the crew,” continued Johnson. “Throw some feces into the mix and you have 9/11 all over again. Unfortunately it’s difficult to force people to urinate before boarding but they could start forcing people to take diuretics before getting their boarding pass. It may not be a perfect solution but something is better than nothing.”

Others are more cynical about the effort to reduce the amount of urination on planes and see it as more of a business decision rather than a safety issue. Estimates vary, but the consensus is that the airlines would stand to garner significant savings if they were to eliminate on board toilets.

“Aside from the extra seating you would be able to install, the resources both physical and human that you would be able to save on would be significant. Those washrooms don’t clean themselves and the extra water that needs to be carried, that’s just a waste of fuel,” said Scrape TV Business analyst Ken Green. “The other option would be diapers. They would of course need to charge for them but at the rates that they charge for things like peanuts, they would stand to make a tidy little profit from carrying them on board. From a financial perspective eliminating urination is nothing but money and that’s something
everyone can appreciate in these rough economic times. I think most passengers would almost welcome the change if it means not being peed on.”

Officially Continental Airlines has always frowned upon passenger to passenger urination. Scrape TV News attempted to contact the other major airlines about their bowel evacuation policies but received no answer by press time. There is apparently no truth to the rumour that Jet Blue had started to offer a special Golden Shower discount.

William Ashford, Business Correspondent         

NEWS > BUSINESS > CONTINENTAL AIRLINES TO FINALLY PROHIBIT URINATING ON PASSENGERS