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I LIKE HAVING A PENIS

By Marcus Matthews

March 31, 2008

I was sitting around the other day and I got to thinking about penises. Not in any kind of sexual way, just in a weird sort of abstract way. I wasn’t thinking of my penis in particular, or anyone elses penis in particular, just the penis as a concept, as an idea. I realized something as I sat thinking about penises; I really like having one.

It was just an idea that popped into my head. Again it wasn’t sexual. It wasn’t functional (like it makes it easy to go to the washroom). I just realized that I couldn’t imagine not having a penis, and that I really liked having one.

This is not a sexist thing. I love women. Women are great. This isn’t pro male; it isn’t advocacy in anyway whatsoever. It is matter of fact, like saying I like toast, or cake, or the colour blue. It’s simply a statement of fact, a personal revelation if you will.

So I decided to write this, and then in the midst of writing, I got to thinking about all the funny things you could do with a penis and how women really have it rough because they don’t have one. It really is an incredibly versatile appendage. I’m sure women love their vaginas, and if I had one I’d probably love it too, but I don’t. I have a penis. And I really like having one.

The thing about penises too is that they are the principal symbol of an entire aspect of human behaviour. There is no other aspect of human life that has a symbol as, ahem, potent as the penis. Sexuality is defined by that one piece of the anatomy. The sight or even thought of it floods your mind with all kinds of images and feelings no matter which side of it you’re on.

It’s also an iconoclastic organ. It can be a source of derision, silliness, pain, and lust, sometimes all at the same time. Arms, head, legs, no other part of the anatomy has the same kind of impact as the penis. And that gets you thinking too. Is it important only because men have it and women don’t? Is it the source of male domination or merely the symbol of it?

After all males of virtually all life forms on the planet have some form of a penis and females are the dominant sex in a huge number of those species.

Not in mammals though. What is it about mammals that so allows the male to dominate?

A running theory is that because women have children, and because the scope of territory necessary for mammals to survive is so massive, that females could not have become the dominant (physically and socially) gender. Females have to give birth; males go out into the wild and kill things. Bees, as an example, differ because their requirements for survival (food, shelter, etc.) are limited in comparison to warm blooded mammals. Their territory is also relatively small; there are way more flowers than antelope.

If that is the case, then really women should have the penises. Nothing worse than having that thing flopping around while trying to take down a Woolly Mammoth, and there’s always the risk of it getting bitten off or accidently speared or something. Guys, wear a pair of boxers and then go for a jog, you’ll see. If males had vaginas, problem solved. Of course childbirth would be a bitch, but hey you can’t have everything.

That’s way off topic though. Like I said, this is a personal revelation. I’m sitting here now feeling that piece of flesh and muscle between my legs and just feel really comforted having it there. I remember a song a long time ago by a band called King Missile called Detachable Penis. Like the song says, having that could come in handy every now and then, but aside from the potential of misplacing it, I realized for myself anyway, I wouldn’t go for that if I could. I like having it attached to me, I like knowing it’s there in case I need it, kinda like having a freezer full of food or an extra toothbrush. It’s there when you need it and you never have to worry.

King Missile also had a song called Martin Scorsese. That song was awesome.

I guess what this really is all about though is just that really like having a penis. Really, I can’t imagine life without it anymore.