NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > VENEZUELA PLANNING GUERILLA ARMY BECAUSE OF IMPENDING U.S. INVASION AND BECAUSE THEY’RE NUTS
VENEZUELA PLANNING GUERILLA ARMY BECAUSE OF IMPENDING U.S. INVASION AND BECAUSE THEY’RE NUTS
August 14 2012
Caracas, Venezuela – It’s fair to say that over the last decade or so, despite strong economic and trade ties, the United States and Venezuela have not been the best of friends. Due in large part to fiery rhetoric from Hugo Chavez, the two nations have often come to blows, most rhetorical, for the last decade.
Ostensibly that chatter from the Venezuelan hierarchy is designed as an attack against hegemony of the United States, the dominance they show over their neighbours including Venezuela but, in truth, is little more than a political ploy. As unpopular as Chavez is the in the U.S. he is twice that in his own country and much of that popularity is tied to his aggression against the U.S.
Of course aggravating the country with the largest military force on the planet, especially when they are so close, is bound to have consequences and now it appears Venezuela is preparing for such an eventuality by creating a guerilla army to deal with a possible invasion from the U.S. and because of course they are just out of their damn fool minds, like wacked out.
“The strategic objective is to build a new Bolivarian military doctrine that would prepare Venezuela to be successful in a prolonged popular war against the empire or the United States,” said Representative Maria Corina Machado. “This is clearly a proposal with Cuban inspiration and advice.”
The plan, according to Machado, is to create a millions man army capable of defending the nation against any imperial power that would seek to conquer the nation.
It’s believed that every single great nation now and in the future is looking to conquer Venezuela at some point in the future because they are that great.
“This is certainly something for the country and probably a good thing, just in time. I mean you don’t only have to worry about the United States but also China, Russia, India, Brazil, and heck maybe every single country on the planet because seriously, who wouldn’t want to conquer Venezuela?” said Scrape TV International analyst Gustav Hander. “If they don’t do this they are susceptible to the whims of every single nation on the planet whose clear intent, possibly the only reason for their existence, is to eventually conquer Venezuela. It’s almost not even worth being a country if you aren’t going to do that.”
The plan is to have one million by next year and two million by 2019. The nation has a population of 27 million who may all eventually be turned into soldiers.
“It’s great for the country that they are looking this far ahead. One day someone will finally work up the courage to challenge the mighty Venezuela and when that happens they will be prepared, prepared to take control of their nation and free themselves from the persecution of, say, Nigeria or Bhutan,” continued Hander. “I wouldn’t be surprised to see other nations follow this example though of course no one else will need such a large force because no one is even close to as desirable as Venezuela, what with their limited oil supplies and birds. Everyone loves bird especially the colourful kinds you find in that country.”
It’s believed that all the soldiers will be given cancer as a test. Should they defeat it they will be allowed to serve the nation just as Chavez has done.
Emil Uliya, International Correspondent