NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > JAPANESE OFFICIALS LAUGH OFF KOREAN ROCKET LAUNCH AS ‘KIA-TASIC’

JAPANESE OFFICIALS LAUGH OFF KOREAN ROCKET LAUNCH AS ‘KIA-TASIC’

April 5 2009

Tokyo, Japan – Defying unilateral international pressure North Korea went ahead with the launch of long range rocket. Officials for the North Korean government have claimed that the missile was designed for launching a communications satellite into orbit but many in military observers are concerned that the government has much more sinister plans for the design which landed in the Pacific Ocean after passing over
both South Korea and Japan. The launch has led to an emergency meeting by the United Nations and condemnation from around the world and amusement from officials for Honda and Toyota.

Many are seeing the launch as a fresh ploy from the North top extract demands from the west and concerns that the rocket has the ability to reach American shores, well Alaska, has put the nuclear nation in a better bargaining position than ever. The fizzled launch though, which sputtered into the Pacific, has draw comparisons to third rate car manufacturers in South Korea with both Japanese and American officials getting a good laugh from the whole incident.

“There is this feeling that Korea is Korea and that engineering skills and techniques employed by the North and approximately the same as those in the South. That is the belief is Koreans are natively unable to produce high quality electronics or engineered goods because they are Korean not because of the difference in dollars expended,” said Scrape TV International analyst Gustav Hander. “That of course has racial overtones which are quite common throughout Japanese society especially when directed towards the Koreans, but the repeated failure lends credence to the idea. The KIA is a cut rate car not nearly on par with even the lesser cars produced in Japan or America and the same goes for their rockets and missile technology. There is likely no truth to the idea of ethnic inferiority but launches like this exacerbate the cliché.”

According to military officials there is no truth to the rumour that the North Koreans did in fact launch a KIA into the ocean. Japanese Coast Guard officials are currently searching the area thought to be the landing point for the rocket in search of any associated parts.

“The running theory is that they have indeed snagged a bunch of KIA cars from the south and used the parts to build the rocket, hence the reason for the failure. That is very unlikely though. The reality is North Korea has a lot of money and can afford proper resources. One of their major failings though is that they spend all of their money on military research and none on food so it’s likely that their engineers went into the project a little light headed,” continued Hander. “The human body requires a certain amount of food stuffs in order to remain mobile and alert and there just isn’t a whole lot of that in the North. Couple that with delusion and downright silliness that so pervades the North and you have a recipe for disaster, or at least for KIA-like efficiency.”

Officially the North Korean government has stated that they successfully launched a satellite into space and it is currently transmitting data and patriotic songs, despite the complete absence of evidence.

“It’s entirely possible that the North actually believes they launched a satellite. It does I guess entirely depend on your definition of ‘launched’ and ‘satellite’. Last I heard the bottom of the ocean isn’t exactly outer space and it’s really hard to transmit information from there,” continued Hander. “The more interesting part is the motivation for launching a communications satellite at all. Generally when you don’t communicate with anyone you don’t go to great expense to make that task easier. They could of course be looking to make a move into satellite radio and steal Sirius/XM’s thunder, or at least KIA-fy it, and with the way things have been going there, I’m sure Howard Stern would be up for listening to a pitch. That’s a really captive audience. Likely though it’s exactly what everyone else thinks it is and they are just causing another fuss again, except this time making a mess of the ocean in the process.”

There is apparently no truth to the rumour that intent of the satellite was to help stream hip-hop into the homes of North Koreans despite Kim Jong-Il’s affection for the genre. South Korean officials were less amused by the incident but very few people cared about their opinion.   

Emil Uliya, International Correspondent  

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