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NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > NICARAGUA FIGHTING OFF VAMPIRE INVASION
NICARAGUA FIGHTING OFF VAMPIRE INVASION
March 3 2009
Managua, Nicaragua – Life has never been simple in Nicaragua. Conflicts between Mesoamericans and Andeans; conquest by the Spanish; installation of dictators by foreign powers (President Franklin D. Roosevelt famously said ‘Somoza may be a son of a bitch, but he’s our son of a bitch’); the Sandinistas and Contras; the rise of drug fuelled gangs. These have all been a part of this small country treading the line between North and South America. Now it appears they have one more problem.
Maria Felix Flores was one of the first people to witness this new invasion but is likely to not be the last. When she was awoken late at night last month to shrill screams and the sight of a blood soaked bed Flores couldn’t have predicted that she would be on the front lines of a full-fledged vampire invasion.
‘The vampires are dangerous. Of course we are scared,” said Flores neighbour Alberdina del Carmen Reyes. “The government tells us to cover our beds with mosquito nets at night but we don't have the money to buy them.” 
Luckily though, the vampire invasion that the residents of this small village are enduring is that of the bat variety, which can be easily prevented with the installation of nets, unlike the measures that need to be taken to prevent vampires of the human variety.
“Mosquito nets are quite effective against Vampire bats. They are much smaller than most people realize and generally will avoid the trouble of a getting through a net if they are presented with such an obstacle,” said Scrape TV Zoology analyst Cambridge Walker. “It may be a serious financial burden but it’s really money well spent. With crosses, fresh garlic, and constant supplies of holy water the costs associated with fighting a human vampire invasion are dramatically more than that of a mosquito net, never mind the emotional costs associated with the death or transformation of family members.”
Vampirism never been proven to actually occur in human populations despite its ubiquitous nature in pop culture. The roots of vampire tales can be traced back to folk legends in Eastern Europe which, along with stories of real life dictator Vlad Tepes of Romania, were consolidated into the novel ‘Dracula’ by Bram Stoker. Since the publication of that book in 1897 the vampire legend has spread worldwide through novels and movies. Despite that no cases of human vampirism has ever been documented.
“One of the legends was that Dracula could actually turn into a bat which has spawned an even more irrational fear of vampire bats.
Because they also have sharp teeth and bite animals and feed off their blood they are already a little scary, but fusing that with the Dracula mythos pushes that fear to a new level,” continued Walker. “Vampire bats are generally harmless and rarely enter human populations, but in situations where people habitat in close proximity to domestic cattle the risk is significantly higher, as is the case in many poor Nicaraguan towns. Unfortunately people who live in the same towns are also more prone to believing myths and legends and that can lead to real life problems.”
For the time being the small town of Llano Grande 2, where Flores lives, seems to be safe from further attacks from blood suckers. Government officials sent in two vampire hunters who were able to successfully stake out a colony of the winged menace and bury them in an abandoned well.
“The risk associated with the bats isn’t so much that of a vampire apocalypse where groups of blood suckers roam the night looking for victims from which to consume blood. The real risk is the panic that can be created when people believe that that might happen. They will be spending what little money they have on preventative tools they don’t really need and driving stakes through the hearts of perfectly healthy people, that’s the real concern here,” continued Walker. “It’s a good thing the government acted so quickly in eradicating this particular menace otherwise we could have ended up with vampire panic of epic proportions. Sure garlic farmers and stake manufacturers would have made a killing but that’s hardly a justification for mass murder. Well, not in respectable society. For Vampires that would be just fine, but not so much for the rest of us.”
Emil Uliya, International Correspondent
NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > NICARAGUA FIGHTING OFF VAMPIRE INVASION
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