NORWAY TO RAPE AND PILLAGE FUTURE BY BANNING CARS

April 30 2009

Oslo, Norway – Norwegians have a long and unchallenged reputation for travel. For 300 years Norwegian Vikings ruled the seas, spreading their influence across Europe and eventually into the Americas for the first time. Things have changed of course and like all great empires the Norwegian dominance of the seas has fallen back to earth.
Though still a formidable sea going country, the former glory that the Vikings brought
to the Scandinavian stalwart has been reduced to very aggressive fishing. Not content with that decline, Norwegians are looking to take yet another step back from their former greatness by banning gas powered cars by 2015.

The development of the gasoline powered internal combustion engine was without a doubt one of the most important developments in the history of engineering. The efficiency of the process as well as the readily availability of gasoline led to major advances in motor vehicles, which in turn allowed the development of our modern world. Whether in cars, trucks, or airplanes, the gasoline powered
engine fundamentally changed the course of human history. Advances, though, advance and with new fuel types making waves many in Norway feel the outlawing of cars will lead to a new stage of human development.

“The technology of fuel is improving steadily but it will still be many years before they reach the same level of efficiency and economy that can be derived from oil based products such as gasoline. Hybrids and electric cars are promising, but still out of reach for many and will likely remain so for a long time to come,” said Scrape TV Business analyst Ken Green. “The elimination of purely gas powered vehicles will likely come at some point in the future but setting a specific deadline is a little ambitious. That said, they could be looking at bringing back horse and buggies or some other older tech to bridge the gap, but we will see.”

Hybrids have become more and more popular of late and the rise in interest in electric cars is expanding daily, but even the most optimistic
of experts believe that it will be decades before gasoline is eliminated as the primary fuel source for vehicles. It is unclear whether or not Norway has any experts of any kind.

“Ambition is a good thing and can push people in the right direction but there is a big difference between ambition and reality. There are nearly five million people and about two and half million cars in Norway. Odds are most people wouldn’t be able to afford to replace their cars on a whim even if they wanted to,” continued Green. “Sure there was a time when Norwegians could go anywhere and do anything they wanted but that was quite a long time ago. They may need a reminder that they can’t just go and rape and plunder on a whim simply because they need new cars. I have a feeling shoe repair in Norway is going to be a booming business if this plan goes ahead.”

Other proposals being mulled by the Norwegian government include the elimination of indoor plumbing and eating raw meat. Reportedly Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg has personally made a heavy investment in a firm that produces replica Viking helmets.

“The real question here is whether or not this proposal is simply a Trojan horse for the country’s return to its Viking past. While many countries in Europe are moving
towards a semi-socialist model Norway’s interest in removing basic elements of modern society indicate that the people aren’t really all that interested in being a part of modern civilized society,” continued Green. “I think though that they will find themselves in a tough position if they begin to rely on plundering as their primary source of revenue. As we are seeing in Africa piracy is very much being frowned upon and odds are Vikings will suffer a similar fate even if it is being conducted by white people. Simply put, people don’t like having their stuff stolen and women raped in the 21st century and the sooner the Norwegians realize that, the better off they will be.”

Throughout Norway sales of ‘The Life and Times of Erik the Red’ have spiked in recent months, indicating a rising interest in mass plunder.

Emil Uliya, International Correspondent