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NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > SCIENTISTS FEAR CHIMPANZEE UPRISING IMMINENT
SCIENTISTS FEAR CHIMPANZEE UPRISING IMMINENT
March 11 2009
Stockholm, Sweden – Swedish scientists have issued a dire warning to the government that an uprising by lower primates may be in the works. Following hot on the heels of the vicious attack of a woman in Connecticut, Swedish scientists have observed a planned and calculated attack by a 31 year old Chimp at the Furuvik Zoo just north of Stockholm. With concerns already high, this latest attack is raising fears that a full scale violent uprising may be in works with Chimpanzees leading the march. 
Generally considered the most intelligent of the great apes, outside humans, most scientists expect that they would be the natural leaders and planners of such an uprising. Other members of the ape family expected to be a part of the potential uprising are Gorillas, Orang-utans, Bonobos, and Gibbons.
“Chimpanzees have 99 per cent biological similarities with humans and this latest incident shows that they have more than a passing mental similarity and it only makes sense that they would lead the revolution. Gorillas would likely be the muscle, Orang-utans the field generals, and Bonobos the infantry,” said Scrape TV Zoology analyst Cambridge Walker. “The major concern would be if they were able to recruit monkeys to the cause. There are far more of them and most people don’t see them as threats, which would allow them to act as perfect sleeper cells. There is a serious concern here, especially as the economic crisis worsens, that any major attack by rebel apes could cause a cataclysmic global crisis.”
Because of the relatively low population of apes throughout the majority of the western world many feel that the immediate effects of an uprising would be limited to Africa, but in the interlinked economies of the world, the collapse of a significant portion of sub Saharan nations could cause a worldwide crisis.
“Most people don’t consider Africa all that important but when it comes to the global economy they are significantly interlinked. From oil to
gold to diamonds Africa provides a massive amount of the world’s natural resources and a complete collapse of those countries could be devastating, unless they were able to come to an agreement with the new ape overlords,” said Scrape TV International analyst Gustav Hander. “Both the UK and China have major oil interests in Africa and it’s unlikely they will want to renegotiate the contracts so we may see some military intervention there because there’s no way those governments would be able to stand up to a full scale invasion. Hopefully any uprising could be contained to sub Saharan Africa otherwise there could be a devastating domino effect that would threaten the economic and military security of the entire world.”
European Union officials are reportedly also drafting military plans to deploy troops along the their southern border and are in negations with Turkish officials to deploy troops along the border with Syria.
“If Egypt falls the apes would have a launching point to move into Asia and from there spread North and East. Gaining control of Egyptian military equipment and financial resources would allow them to make a massive push deep into Asia,” continued Hander. “Most of Europe would likely be able to resist
invasion if they are able to delay the ape front until the winter. That would give them time to restore resources and adjust their strategy. The major advantage we have as human beings is our ability to resist the cold weather and that could be the saving grace of our species. It may be that we just have to adapt to living with a new dominant species on the world and hope that we are not bowing to ape overlords anytime soon.”
In an attempt to stave off the potential revolution a number of African countries have enacted anti-ape laws though it is not expected that they will have the
resources or political will power to enforce the legislation. Many countries have also pulled copies of the ‘Planet of the Apes’ series to try to curb distribution of potential propaganda.
“This could be the end of the world as we’ve know it for the last 30,000 years but if we do things right it could be a shining moment for humanity,” continued Hander. “As it turns out we may not need a full scale alien invasion or zombie apocalypse to bring us together as a species. As it turns it out our greatest enemy was right beside us the whole time.”
Emil Uliya, International Correspondent
NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > SCIENTISTS FEAR CHIMPANZEE UPRISING IMMINENT
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