NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > CAPITALISM FINALLY WINNING THE TOILET PAPER WAR
CAPITALISM FINALLY WINNING THE TOILET PAPER WAR
August 9 2009
Havana, Cuba – When Vladimir Lenin led the Bolsheviks in the October Revolution there was little doubt that his actions and his idealism would change the world. The founding of the Soviet Union came to be one of the most important and affecting
events in the 20th century, which itself will likely come to be considered the most important in human history. Those fateful days of October would eventually lead to such developments as nuclear weapons, space flight, and the microchip among other things; quite the legacy borne out of two weeks of the Russian fall.
One of the defining characteristics of the rise of Communism throughout the decade has been its conflict with Capitalist countries, in particular the United States. The Cold War was one of the most dramatic, terrifying, and fruitful conflicts in the history of mankind and even today more than twenty years after the collapse of the Soviet Union the fight continues. For the United States, Cuba and its communist leadership has always been a particularly prickly thorn. Located just 90 miles from the coast of Florida the island paradise turn to Communism has long frustrated American governments. Now though, with the country suffering through its worst economic crisis in decades, the west is finally winning one battle against Castro, the toilet paper war.
“The corporation has taken all the steps so that at the end of the year there will be an important importation of toilet paper. The conditions are in place to maintain the supply of essential products,” said an official with conglomerate Cimex. “Raw materials for the production of toilet paper are at an all time low but our recent efforts have ensured a strong supply of toilet paper for all Cubans by the end of the year.”
Cuba has been hit heavy by the economic crisis and has suffered through three devastating hurricanes in the last year which have all contributed to the current shortage. Cuba also imports significant amounts of toilet paper.
“One of the major failures of Communist countries has always been t he inability to
engage the open market. The Soviets were only able to secure very limited trading partners but because of the nature of Russia herself they were able to produce a great deal of their own goods natively. The same can be said for China and Vietnam, though both of those countries have moved towards market economics,” said Scrape TV International analyst Gustav Hander. “Cuba is in a unique position because they are an island. Island nations have traditionally always had a great deal of trouble maintaining themselves in harsh times. The smaller the country the more exacerbated the problem becomes and in the case of Cuba, Communism has further complicated the problem. Though Cuba has been one of the more successful of the island nations in the Americas it is still not that far removed from countries like Jamaica and Haiti.”
President Raul Castro has in part blamed the current toiletry crisis on the embargo from the United States which has been in force for the last 47 years. Some exceptions have been made in times of humanitarian crisis but toilet paper has never fallen into that purview.
“The battle over toilet paper and other such personal care items has long been a part of the battle against the Communist threat. Though it has never been overt the CIA has conducted such exercises for years throughout the Soviet realm and beyond. Many have pointed to the dental floss crisis in Poland during the 1970’s as the principal reason for the rise of Lech Walesa and the reformer there. Very few people realize that that incident was in fact a CIA creation,” continued Hander. “Though people may scoff at the notion of toiletries being a major weapon against foreign threats but it has been effective throughout history, largely because it isn’t classed as a war crime. Very few people realize that a palm leaf shortage was in fact one of the major causes of the fall of Rome and such actions may still be the undoing of Cuba.”
President Obama has not yet commented on the TP shortage in Cuba but GOP officials are already declaring it a victory.