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NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > OSCAR MAYER OFFICIALS PITCHING BACON AS PATH TO MIDDLE EAST PEACE
OSCAR MAYER OFFICIALS PITCHING BACON AS PATH TO MIDDLE EAST PEACE
February 10 2009
Madison, WI – For decades politicians, diplomats, and warlords have sought to find a resolution to the Arab-Israeli conflict and all have failed. The two sides have been at odds since Jewish immigration began in the late 19th century and has only worsened over the century and a quarter since the first settlers began emigrating to what is now modern day Israel. Now one surprising party is pitching their own proposal to solve the ever de-evolving blood feud in hopes of finally bring calm to the region, and retail sales to the United States.
“Oscar Mayer has submitted an official proposal to President Barack Obama to offer our services in Israel, the Palestinian Territories, and Lebanon in an effort to bring resolution and peace to the people of that region. Many a conflict has been solved over food, and we feel that this can happen again. We want both sides to sit down and see each other face to face, break bread so to speak,” said Mary Beth West, Executive Vice President and Chief Marketing Officer. “When we sat down to discuss the Middle East and the problems there, in particular reference to the flare up last month, we came to a very simple conclusion. It really was a light bulb moment. The entire executive branch sat at the
table and we couldn’t believe that no one had ever thought of it before. Bacon.
Everyone loves bacon but Jewish and Muslim people don’t eat it. We feel that if the two sides can meet over something as delicious as bacon then they can begin to talk and we feel solve their problems.”
Both the Old Testament and the Qur’an explicitly prohibit Jews and Muslims respectively from eating pork products of any kind. According to both religions the pig is considered a foul
and unclean animal unfit for human consumption. Christianity is the only one of the three major Abrahamic religions that allows its followers to consume pork products.
“The President has stated a need to deal with the conflict between Jews and Arabs and we at Oscar Mayer want to see the same thing and are working hard to make that happen. We are ready at a moment’s notice to start mass shipments of bacon, ham, and bologna. We have the production facility ready and the distribution platform to ship anywhere in the world,” continued West. “While some may see this plan as slightly controversial, the reality is the basis for this unwillingness to eat
pork is rooted in a very old, very out of date philosophy. The same can be said for the conflict itself. There is no longer a reason to fight, just as there is no longer a need to avoid pork. Once we can make people see one of those things, we will be able to make them see both.”
So far the Obama administration hasn’t directly involved itself in the Middle East, focusing instead on the deteriorating economy, something Oscar Mayer and parent company Kraft Foods are hoping this proposal can also help.
“Anything that could provide jobs for Americans is a good thing. Oscar Mayer has a relatively limited scope of distribution and opening up a whole new market, specifically a billion Muslims. That could mean a lot of new jobs for Americans if they can crack that,” said Scrape TV Business analyst Ken Green. “There’s a lot of money there, particularly in the coastal countries and getting some of that oil money back into American hands could be a major boon to the economy. Make it a kind of oil for grease kind of deal.”
Benefits aside, the difficulties of overcoming deeply held religious, political, and ideological beliefs may be the most difficult task for both Oscar Mayer and President Obama.
“If they can pitch this as a kind of cure all, or at least help all kind of deal to the President then they may gain some traction. It’s going to be a hard row but thinking different always is and it may be time to try something new,” said Scrape TV Middle East analyst David Gershwin. “I don’t really expect it to get a whole lot further than it is right now but anything is worth a try. Bacon is delicious, no doubt,
but getting people to change thousands of years of religious belief is not going to be an easy task. There’s also the sticky issue of what kind of bacon would take off in the Middle East. Streaky bacon is most common in the US but that doesn’t mean it will appeal to people with a totally different palette. Personally I’d try back bacon, or maybe a nice Cottage bacon. You have to keep in mind different tastes around the world.”
No word yet as to President Obama’s reaction to the proposal. Rumours in the pork industry also indicate that Oscar Mayer rival Hormel Foods is levelling a similar proposal to the new administration.
Emil Uliya, International Correspondent
NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > OSCAR MAYER OFFICIALS PITCHING BACON AS PATH TO MIDDLE EAST PEACE
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