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NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > ROBERT MUGABE PLEDGES ZIMBABWEAN HELP FOR UNITED STATES CASH CRISIS

ROBERT MUGABE PLEDGES ZIMBABWEAN HELP FOR UNITED STATES CASH CRISIS

September 29 2008

Harare, Zimbabwe – “We are here and ready to help,” said President Mugabe. “We know economic crisis all too well and we want to assist our friend the United States in any way we can.”

Mugabe’s remarks came after the announcement that the Wall Street bailout plan had been voted down by the US House of Representatives. The plan was designed to aid the banking system that has seen a record number of financial collapses in the last few weeks. The Dow Jones Industrial dropped 778 points after the 700 billion dollar bailout was rejected.

Zimbabwe has also been suffering under its own financial crisis. In July inflation in the country was estimated at between forty and fifty million per cent, a threshold that no one had ever seen since the invention of money. Mugabe though is determined to help the US in its current crisis however it can.

“We will participate financially and we will lend printing presses and expertise. The Reserve bank is very experienced with printing new money and it can be easily converted to print American dollars. All we need is to go ahead and the America n crisis will disappear,” continued Mugabe. “The Zimbabwean people sympathize with the people of the United States and we want our friends to know that we are here for them no matter what they need.”

The Zimbabwean government recently started publishing higher denomination notes in the country, including a one hundred billion dollar note, which is enough to purchase three eggs.  

While the American economy has long depended on foreign investment to maintain their economy, that participation has traditionally been with wealthier countries such as China and Saudi Arabia rather than relying on help from third world nations.

Since the abolishment of slaverythe US has traditionally eschewed direct participation with most governments in Africa, preferring to negotiate black hat deals for war zone diamonds and oil proceeds. Now, with the increasing awareness of American economic vulnerability and a desire to not dig themselves into further debt with traditional financial partners, some are seeing this proposal as a new opportunity for the US to prop up its dominate economy.

“The immediate reaction is ‘Zimbabwe? Get me a map.’ That’s usually followed by something along the lines of ‘That’s the one with that dictator right?’ Now though, people are starting to look into less traditional options, thinking outside the box,” said Scrape TV business analyst Ken Green. “France, Britain, The Netherlands, Germany, Spain, Portugal, they have all seen the financial benefit of working with the Africans. The European Union may never have come to be without the help of dictators like Robert Mugabe or Mbasogo from Equatorial Guinea. Hell, the money they made off Sierra Leone in the nineties was enough to finance dozens of construction projects. The Europeans have taken the lead with Africa and America needs to follow. There is no shame in that. One thing that can be said about the United States is that when they have a ton of resources and a ton of smart people. They could exploit Africa like they haven’t done since the slave trade. It may be the best option left now.”

It should be noted that Robert Mugabe has been denied admittance into the United States and the European Union since 2002. He has denied that this pledge is an attempt to curry favour with the US government.

“No, no, no. Americans are free to come and take from us. Africa and America share an intertwined history. We are brothers and we must act as such. We pledge to help our American brothers in any way we can and the Zimbabwean people will sacrifice all they must to help. I guarantee that.”

US officials had no comment on the offer, nor did either of the Presidential or Vice-Presidential candidates. According to a spokesperson for the McCain campaign, Governor Sarah Palin spent the afternoon trying to find Zimbabwe on her Fridge Magnets of the World playset. No word if she was successful or not.

Emil Uliya, International Correspondent

NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > ROBERT MUGABE PLEDGES ZIMBABWEAN HELP FOR UNITED STATES CASH CRISIS

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