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NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > WORLD WATCHES AS CANADA IS BLANKETED IN MYSTERIOUS WHITE POWDER

WORLD WATCHES AS CANADA IS BLANKETED IN MYSTERIOUS WHITE POWDER

December 19 2008

Toronto, Canada – Falling from above, as though the clouds themselves were descending from the heavens, the most populous city in Canada, and the majority of the nation, is being paralyzed by a layer of white condensation, snarling traffic and shutting down business. As the country struggles under the mysterious white substance, the rest of the world is looking on helplessly, hoping that the event will soon cease, allowing them to ignore the country once again.

The white particles, which are actually frozen condensation known colloquially as snow, has once again caught the residents of the northern nation by surprise. With accident after accident and complaints of stalled cars, the nation is being paralyzed by the resident’s inability to remember more than six months in the past.

“Snow has fallen in the northern likely since the planet Earth formed an atmosphere. Snow is essentially crystallized ice water which falls once the ambient temperature falls below zero degrees. As a result of the planet’s rotation the temperature in the northern hemisphere drops, generally below zero degrees Celsius, for the months between October and March. Precipitation which would normally fall as rain now freezes before making contact with the ground and falls as snow,” said Scrape TV Weather analyst Graham Gilliam. “Despite the fact that it happens every year at approximately the same time, people seem surprised. Roads are rarely ploughed effectively; people never leave themselves enough time and cause accidents. It generally takes about two months before people naturally become acclimated and by then the worst of the season is generally over.”

Ploughing involves heavy machinery clearing roads and sidewalk for travel. Snow, while heavily associated with Canada, occurs in many nations throughout the world including those of northern Europe, the United States, and parts of Asia.

“Snow is a naturally occurring phenomenon that mankind has been dealing with from the very earliest of days. When the early humans travelled from Africa and the Middle East they encountered snow and learned to deal with it, probably much better than people do today,” continued Gilliam. “It may be a similar thing that happens with birthdays. People want to forget that they are turning older and make it as though it weren’t happening, hoping that if they don’t think about it, it will go away. Eventually birthdays will go away, but weather will endure.”

People no longer celebrate birthdays once they have died. Average life expectancy in Canada is 82.7 years for women and 78 years for men. The current life expectancy for winter is about 5 billion years, after which time the sun will supernova consuming the inner planets and rest only a few thousand miles from the Earth. The result will be a massive heating, the death of all life on the planet, and a permanent desert across the globe.

“Traffic has been awful. Cars are slipping and sliding everywhere and it’s just hell. You come outside and your car is covered, just covered in this stuff and its freezing cold,” said Toronto resident David Williams. “It’s strange, it seems like this has happened before but it’s never been like this. This stuff is just everywhere. It gets in your shoes, down the back of your jacket, and it's freezing. this is awful.”

Commerce, always looking for an opportunity, has also jumped on the phenomenon by creating weather specific clothing and tools such as ‘snow shovels’ which allow people to clear driveways of the offending material.

“Human beings have been dealing with snow and wintery conditions for millions of years so it really shouldn’t be a shock when it comes again, at about the same time every year,” concluded Gilliam. “This shock that people show every year that snow has once again fallen. This sudden inability to drive rationally or to leave their house a few minutes earlier is the only shocking thing here. Or at least it would be if it didn’t happen every year, coincidentally at the same time.”

The snow is expected to last at least through March. So far no other nations have offered their support to Canada.

Emil Uliya, International Correspondent

NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > WORLD WATCHES AS CANADA IS BLANKETED IN MYSTERIOUS WHITE POWDER

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