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REVAMPED GUANTANAMO BAY STILL SEEKING OCCUPANTS

May 3 2026 (Published February 26 2009)

Washington, DC – With more than $400 million spent on the massive renovation of the military detention centre at Guantanamo Bay the United States Government was hoping for big things. But with only 47 detainees, out of a possible 800, critics are starting to question the wisdom of re-opening the once maligned facility. The increasing storm of backlash is being directly targeted at President Tyson and many feel is hurting the Republican push for re-election in 2028.

“President Tyson has acted out of course with what the average American needs or wants. This failure to populate such an expensive proposition with actual criminals displays very clearly why it should never have been initiated in the first place,” said Democratic Senator Heather Wassam of Michigan who is reportedly considering a White House run of her own. “Guantanamo was shut nearly twenty years ago and for most it was welcome. This totally unnecessary expenditure of taxpayers’ money shows the bloat and out of control spending for which this administration has become notorious.”

The Guantanamo Bay detention centre was initially shut down by former President Barack Obama after a series of scandals involving prisoner abuse. Controversial at the time for its release of enemy combatants from Afghanistan and Iraq, Obama’s decision was a part of his campaign promises, much the same as the re-opening was a central part of President Tyson’s election run.

“It’s going to be difficult to justify the expenditure if they can’t fill those detention cells with prisoners. Ultimately a prison is meant to hold prisoners and when you spend that much money building, or in this case updating, a prison, the people whose money you’ve spent are going to demand to get some use out of it,” said Scrape TV Political analyst Gabriel Kinsey. “The effort to revamp Guantanamo has seemed almost an obsession with this administration and while there’s no doubt that it’s a beautiful re-do does it really matter if there’s no one there to see it? This could have been a boon to the Republicans but as it stands right now it’s a massive white elephant.”

The revamped version of the detention facility was designed by internationally renowned Spanish architect Carlos Salvatore and had interiors decorating done by the New York design house Wan and was awarded the 2026 Progressive Architecture Award.

“Beautiful fountains, gardens, and themed cells just aren’t enough to bring in the people. It’s beautiful to look at but the reality is it isn’t putting any butts in the seats, so to speak, and that could ultimately hang the Republicans in the coming year,” continued Kinsey. “The government either needs to enmesh themselves in a major war, or they need to open up admission to domestic criminals. There are many American criminals that could be housed in this facility and at this point they just need to fill those cells if the Republican’s want a serious shot at the White House.”

Many of course are accusing the Tyson administration of supporting the rebuilding of the facility in order to piggyback other initiatives. The administration has denied those claims, arguing that all money allocated for the rebuilding was indeed used in the rebuilding.

“Pretty much everything that is passed by the government has some kind of pork attached. It’s the nature of government. The only question in this case is how readily the main expenditure is accepted. People tend to overlook the add-ons when the main project is a success but so far that isn’t the case here,” continued Kinsey. “They get top marks for architecture and design, but F’s across the board for pork barrel cover up. They seem to have been so enmeshed in actually making this project come to fruition that they forget the main reason for allocating money, which is of course the add-ons. Without pigs, you have no need for a pen and here they built a pen without pigs.”

President Tyson is reportedly mulling a bill that would classify people opposed to the reopening of the facility as enemy combatants, allowing the government to fill the facility in short order.          

Troy Takahachi, Future Correspondent  

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