Scrape TV Humour Scrape TV News Scrape TV On the Air

Politics
U.S.A.
Everyone Else
Health
Science
Business
Technology
Sports
Video Games
Entertainment
Future
Retractions
News Home
News Archive
Other

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NEWS > HEALTH > SURGEON GENERAL RECOMMENDS AGAINST BREAST SELF EXAMINATION

SURGEON GENERAL RECOMMENDS AGAINST BREAST SELF EXAMINATION

October 17 2008

Washington, D.C. – The acting Surgeon General of the United States, Rear Admiral Steven K. Galson, has issued a surprise mandate directed towards women. He has stated that women should no longer engage in breast self examinations and instead make regular visits to either their gynaecologist or family doctor, unless the doctor happens to be a woman.

“We have conducted a number of studies involving both breast cancer survivors and women who have not contracted the ailment,” said Admiral Galson in a statement. “What we found is a direct correlation between discovery of cases breast cancer and the gender of the patient’s doctor. The study has shown us unequivocally that patients with male doctors are diagnosed more quickly and treatment is generally more successful leading to lower mortality rates. We ascribe this to the fact that men really like breasts and women are largely indifferent to them. Female doctors are generally a little more lax when doing examinations because breasts are nothing special to them; Male doctors on the other hand are extremely diligent when it comes to the exams.”

The study also explored self examinations and found largely the same thing.
“Women who rely on self examination have a much higher mortality than do women who regularly visit a male doctor. This is largely result of women not conducting the exams properly and relying on the results, which of course will be faulty,” continued the statement. “What are recommending is that women with female doctors should continue, because you are going to get more or less the same level of treatment at home as you would at the doctor’s office. If possible, we recommend women switch to a male doctor.”

When asked whether or not women’s husbands or boyfriends would be better equipped to conduct home exams, Galson was less enthusiastic.

“To be honest, that was a small part of our study. Generally speaking if a woman is being felt up by her partner the intentions aren’t for medical diagnosis. We found that much like self examination that technique was really hit and miss,” Galson also went on to issue a separate warning for lesbian couples. “Fortunately lesbian couples are hit with an unusual double whammy. We found that lesbian partners are both engaged by breasts and indifferent at the same time. We found only negligible success in partner and self diagnosis when it comes to same sex relationships, though it was marginally higher than in opposite sex relationships. That is likely a result of women being more considerate of each other.”

The warning was issued on the Surgeon General’s website today.

“For years and years health officials have been encouraging women to conduct self exams, and while the intent was good, this study shows that it is having the opposite effect,” said Scrape TV Health analyst Rebecca Phelps. “We just have to hope that whoever wins the Presidential has real solution to the healthcare issue because this will likely prompt a lot more trips to the doctor. It will also be interesting to see if the rates of males getting into gynaecology increases. In my experience the type of  young men who end up in school for extended periods of time don’t get to touch a lot of breasts and this gives the perfect opportunity. This could be a momentous day for breasts all over the world.”   

Lauren Hebert, Health Correspondent

NEWS > HEALTH > SURGEON GENERAL RECOMMENDS AGAINST BREAST SELF EXAMINATION

Scrape TV Home Scrapeipedia The Town of LaRue Scrape Store (coming soon)

Contact Editorial editor (at) scrapetv.com Website admin (at) scrapetv.com Jobs jobs (at) scrapetv.com Advertise advertising (at) thevirtualunion.com

This work by The Virtual Union is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 2.5 Canada License Based on a work at scrapetv.com

All original content and scenarios Copyright ©2008-2010 The Virtual Union. All Rights Reserved. All images Copyright © original owners. All content herein should be considered rumour or truth based solely on your perspective. Privacy Policy