OBAMA APOLOGIZES FOR AFGHAN DEATHS BUT OFFERS NO HELP IN RESURRECTION

May 9 2009

Washington, DC – There’s little doubt that the history of Afghanistan has been written in blood. Battles both ancient and recent have scarred the country and the people perhaps permanently and left them as accustomed to the horrors of conflict as human beings could ever be expected. It’s with that history that the people across the country are continuing to face the newest conflict that has ravaged their nation, though many are hoping that this latest conflict will be their last.

It is that hope that President Hamid Karzai has brought to the White House and it is that hope that the Obama administration has reflected back to the Afghan people with regret over civilian deaths. Karzai’s trip comes amid refreshed action in the region as U.S. Military forces attempt to thwart Taliban forces in the country. Obama pledged to increase cooperation and ‘make every effort’ to avoid further civilian deaths, though stopped short of offering to turn back time in the country or somehow resurrect those killed by the U.S. campaign.

“Promises from half a world away can seem very hollow to people who have loved lost ones. People throughout Afghanistan have gone from war with the Soviets, to life under the Taliban, to war with the United States and that has destroyed a lot of families and more importantly a lot of hope. A token gesture such as the possibility of biblical style resurrection is the least the President could do,” said Scrape TV International analyst Gustav Hander. “Of course the technology to bring the dead back to life doesn’t exist and likely never will but the Afghans don’t know that. After centuries of war a little lie couldn’t really hurt all that much.”

Resurrection has long been sought after, from the ancient Egyptians, to the tales of Christ, to modern day zombie movies but thus far no reliable method for restoring life to dead tissue has been achieved. Modern day interpretations of the process have veered significantly from the promise of eternal life to the eating of human flesh, a largely undesirable event in Afghanistan.

“With as much trouble as that country has seen, the last thing the people of Afghanistan need is legions of flesh or brain eating zombies rising from their graves and ravaging the country. Hopefully if the U.S. is able to achieve resurrection and applies it to Afghanistan they will have solved the problem of cannibalistic frenzy,” continued Hander. “If they don’t get past that little hump they would be better off just making the promise and not following
through. It’s rare that a situation arises where it’s better to not do what you say you are going to do but this would probably be one of them.”

So far Obama has not made any specific promises to Karzai or the Afghan people with the exception of moving more troops into the country. It is believed the Obama administration is trying to avoid the failed promises of the previous administration by simply not making any.

“While the promise of hope has been the central point of the Obama administration he has to be careful in regards to who he offers it to. Potentially getting a populace like t he Afghans excited about the possibility of something happening and then not delivering could start the whole mess over again. The Americans are used to the ups and downs of politicians not delivering on their promises but the Afghans aren’t even used to having politicians,” continued Hander. “That is no doubt the way the Obama administration is thinking and behaving but it’s likely that even faint hope of the restoration of the dead could help a lot of families deal with day to day life.”

It’s also believed that the United States is a long way from developing time travel and is seen as a an unlikely promise to the Afghan people.     

William Ashford, Business Correspondent

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