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NEWS >POLITICS > OBAMA CROWNS COKE AS THE CHOICE OF A NEW GENERATION
OBAMA CROWNS COKE AS THE CHOICE OF A NEW GENERATION
Washington, DC –
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake
Colonel... that Coca-Cola machine. I want you to shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there.
Colonel "Bat" Guano
That's private property.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake
Colonel! Can you possibly imagine what is going to happen to you, your frame, outlook, way of life, and everything, when they learn that you have obstructed a telephone call to the President of the United States? Can you imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With a gun! That's what the bullets are for, you twit!
Colonel "Bat" Guano
Okay. I'm gonna get your money for ya. But if you don't get the President of the United States on that phone, you know what's gonna happen to you?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake
What?
Colonel "Bat" Guano
You're gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.
With that exchange, Stanley Kubrick’s “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb” predicted the future. In a story of nuclear holocaust, a military out of control, and inept bumbling of the two biggest world powers not even Kubrick himself could have predicted that his small exchange could have spoken to the world nearly fifty years later, but with the recent revelation of the President’s staff eschewing Pepsi, it seems that the only way to get to the President is through Coke.
After an in-depth investigation by Time Magazine it was revealed that by overwhelming majority staffers and administration officials prefer Coke to Pepsi. While the cola drinking habits of the President himself were not uncovered in the investigation, it is clear that this Presidency is a Coca-Cola Presidency.
“It’s interesting for a lot of reasons. The big marketing push for Pepsi in the Eighties was that they were the choice of a new generation. Obama himself was a part of that generation, as were most of his staffers. It now appears that Pepsi was either misguided or just flat out lying, but at least it gave Obama a great slogan,” said Scrape TV Political analyst Gabriel Kinsey. “Like selling pop, selling a person for President is largely dependent on the marketing. For all his follies and gaffes, the main reason McCain lost was a poorly executed marketing campaign. McCain was new Coke, just out of touch with what people wanted.”
Of course the Time piece does bring to mind the question of collusion. So far no one has accused the new administration of favouring Coca-Cola in an official capacity but there’s little doubt that the possibility will now be on people’s radar.
“If there’s a stimulus package that favours Coke over Pepsi in some way then there could be a major issue. The President and his team need to remain neutral in both their public proclamations
and in their actions. Being seen as being in bed with any company is a bad thing for a President, at least for a Democratic one and that’s a fight they just don’t need to take on at the moment,” continued Kinsey. “As for the Kubrick connection, well, he was way off with 2001. There haven’t been any stories of haunted hotels murdering entire families and so far at least I haven’t seen any gangs wearing bowlers. It’s probably safe to say that it was just a coincidence. But at least it shows that the President is concerned about his precious bodily fluids.”
Pepsi, who has been using a modified version of Obama’s campaigns in their most recent push, had no comment. Officials for Coke were a little more forthcoming.
“We do not encourage the shooting of our dispensing machines, let’s make that clear,” said the official. “We are happy that we are the President’s choice of drink. I guess someone was the choice of a new generation after all.”
Time Magazine officials had no comment as to why they were expending the effort investigating the administration’s soft drink habits.
Edward Bastil, Political Correspondent
NEWS >POLITICS > OBAMA CROWNS COKE AS THE CHOICE OF A NEW GENERATION
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