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NEWS > TECHNOLOGY > APPLE IPAD TO CURE CANCER, END WORLD HUNGER
APPLE IPAD TO CURE CANCER, END WORLD HUNGER
January 28 2010
Cupertino, CA – Every time Apple brings out a product, at least lately, it becomes the biggest news of the day. The iPod and iPhone are now industry standards that have not only done remarkable things for the company’s bottom line, but have also 
had a massive sociological impact. In the process Steve Jobs has gone from misbegotten ex-business guru to one of the most revered technological minds since Thomas Edison. Those products have also evolved a cult following that most companies can only envy, inspiring devotion and fealty unlike anything the world has ever seen.
Into that environment the company has just announced the iPad, a new Apple-ized version of a tablet PC that integrates features from other successful ‘i’ products. While much hullabaloo has already been made about the device, it’s price point, and it’s features, there has been relatively little talk about how the device will integrate into modern society and how it could potentially change the destiny of mankind forever. Though not featuring any curative properties itself, early hands-on reports indicate that the tablet has relieved joint pain and in one case a killer headache. Much of that is being attributed to the placebo effect which for many is more than enough to have it hailed as potentially the saviour of the species.
“I think calling the iPad the resurrection of Christ would be overstating it a little bit, but it does speak to the likely existence of some kind of higher power, whether that be God or some other entity. Only a creator could construct a world that would allow something the iPad to be invented,” said Scrape TV Technology analyst Ken Kevins. “I mean Jobs isn’t God or really any version of Him, but is most certainly a vessel through which He speaks, and what he speaks is iPad. I see no end to how this could change society and the future of humanity, from curting Cancer, to ending world hunger, to mundane things like ending line ups. This is the moment on which humanity turns.”
The base price for the iPad will be $499 USD but will range upward for more advanced versions of the device. The device will be released in April, the same month as Easter.
“Really the other devices, and everything the company has done in the past has just 
been a prelude to this release. Those things came about in order for the iPad to finally come about and change our lives forever. Really you could argue that everything humanity has done has been leading up to this moment,” continued Kevins. “I mean the earth is four and half billion years old and it has led to this. The dinosaurs, the Roman Empire, everything turns on this little device that will be available at all fine retailers in just a few months. Normally I’d stay neutral on a new release from any company but when it comes to Apple, well it’s Apple.”
The device will come with Bluetooth and 3G support standard and come in 16GB, 32GB and 64GB versions.
“This is truly a momentous day in the history of humanity. Normally the church does not comment on such commercial ventures but at the behest of Pope Benedict, we are compelled to praise this new device and the positive effect it will have on people all across the world,” said a Vatican spokesperson. “The Pope himself is keeping a very keen eye on this device, as he has been for the last few months, and hopes to get his hands on an early version in the next few weeks.”
Aside from support from the Holy See, George Clooney and Matt Damon and reportedly very excited about the device.
Martin Philton, Technology Correspondent
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