HEADLINES

NEW YORK CABBIE OVERCHARGES PASSENGER BY MILLIONS New York, NY – Ever since human beings first invented the wheel, we have been on the move. Whether it was slaves moving sandstone to build the great pyramids of Egypt, horse drawn carriages moving goods from one town to another, railways forging new territory over the wilds of the Americas, or the continued exodus of workers to the suburbs, the wheel has enabled humanity to move, and grow, and advance far beyond anything our ancient ancestors could ever have dreamt. KILLER WHALE REBELLION BEGINS AT SEAWORLD Orlando, FL – There is little doubt that the reign of the human animal has been the most remarkable in the long history of our planet. Other species have lived much longer but no species has had the incredible level of control over the resources of the planet. No species before has been able to mold the planet to their liking. No species has been able to resist the limitations of their natural body and mind and break free. No species has inhabited almost every corner of the planet. Human beings are the most successful species ever.

COURT OF APPEALS GIVES THE UNDEAD THE RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH Washington, D.C. – One the most enduring and frustrating mysteries of the human condition is what exactly makes us, us. Religion, philosophy, and science have all sought to uncover exactly what it is that makes human beings conscious, aware of our surroundings, aware of our mortality, and all have come up empty. That question, the ‘why are we here?’ question has compelled us for as long, ironically, as we’ve been able to contemplate the idea. While answers may never be forthcoming, our ability to consider our own existence has also brought many other ideas to our massive brains. SOUTH CAROLINA POLICE ON ALERT FOR ZOMBIE JAMES BROWN Columbia, SC – When James Brown died in 2006, a piece of musical history also died with him. Brown’s contribution to the American musical landscape is undeniable. It had such a profound impact not only on future musicians but on the culture of the United States in general that his loss was a deep, deep loss even if his best years were long behind him. Brown’s life was of course not without controversy, some of which threatened to undo his legendary status, but ultimately Brown died as he lived, as the Godfather of Soul.

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