HEADLINES

BEACHED WHALES FINALLY FIND A PLACE TO DIE IN PEACE Venice, LA - Eleven whales that beached themselves off the coast of Louisiana in June 2010 were prevented from committing suicide by the local human population. Unable to live with the intense skin irritation caused by the oil leak from the recent rig disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, the group of eleven mammals arrived on the beach in order to die mercifully in the sun. GLENN BECK TO HOLD RALLY AT MARTIN LUTHER KING’S GRAVE Atlanta, GA – It is entirely possible that the shadow of race will always haunt the American experience. From the very beginning of the nation, race has been a volatile subject and over two hundred years later is still a vital part of the American identity. Many believed that with the election of a black President much of the issue revolving around race had been solved and that whatever remained would vanish in short order. However the Presidency of Barack Obama had done the opposite, it has brought the issue of race back to the forefront and a fresh issue for debate. FEDERAL RESERVE PROMISES TO DO SOMETHING IF THE ECONOMY GOES BAD AGAIN Washington, D.C. – There have been some who have said that the ongoing financial crisis is a harbinger of things to come, that it is the example of the intrinsic flaws in the capitalist system and that it is just a matter of time before things go off the deep end. Such talk may be exaggerated especially given the recent rebound in the economy throughout the world but there is little doubt that this experience has proven that the system is flawed and susceptible to catastrophe if things are not done to keep it stable.

EGG RECALL WIDENS ON REPORTS OF AL QAEDA CHICKEN FARMS Washington, D.C. – In a new series of recalls federal investigators pulled an additional 170 million eggs from stores shelves in the United States out of fears of salmonella contamination. This current recall is in addition to the already recalled 380 million eggs pulled earlier in the week, bringing the total to more than half a billion eggs. Thus far, all the contaminated eggs have been tied to two farms in Iowa, Hillandale Farms and Wright County Egg, but investigators are currently investigating other farms in the area for similar contamination. GREY WOLVES ONE STEP CLOSER TO RULING MONTANA Helena, MO – Despite massive industrialization and nearly out of control urbanization, much of the United States is still very much unpopulated. This is especially true in the middle of the country which has long been a no-man’s land. Not possessed of the natural resources of southern states or access to waterways like states in the east and west, the mid-west portion of the country has remained largely devoid of human growth and subject to the whims and will of the animals that have lived there for centuries. PETER PAN AUTHOR A REAL LIFE CAPTAIN HOOK Los Angeles, CA – There has never been a person alive who has not wished for the gift of perpetual youth. The fantasy of always living in your best times, of never dying, never growing sick or infirmed, and always looking beautiful is an understandable fantasy and while the reality of such a life may not live up to the dream, we all still dream. In a culture that chases plastic surgery and has grandmothers on Facebook that fantasy is alive and well even if we are no closer to actually achieving  such a reality.

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