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NEWS > U.S.A. > OFFICIALS FEAR APE UPRISING AFTER CHIMPANZEE MAULS WOMAN
OFFICIALS FEAR APE UPRISING AFTER CHIMPANZEE MAULS WOMAN
February 19 2009
Stamford, CT – The vicious mauling of a 55 year-old woman by a pet Chimpanzee has highlighted for many the danger of people keeping exotic animals in domestic situations. The attack by the 14 year-old, 200 pound chimp has left the woman in critical condition with massive trauma including losing the majority of her face. While animal experts and activists are using this as a clarion call for prevention, others see the attack as the start of something far more sinister and potentially dangerous.
“Man has ruled the world for centuries but this incident shows the potential power of other great apes. Whether it’s a chimp or a gorilla, the truth is physically man is the weakest of the great apes and it is only our intelligence that keeps us at the top of the pecking order,” said local Ape activist Albert Hood. “Travis was remarkably intelligent. He could dress and bathe himself, use the toilet, even use the computer. He was at least as intelligent as a human despite his inability to speak, though I firmly believe that is simply a matter of time. We could very well be looking at a ‘Planet of the Apes’ kind of scenario here.”
‘Planet of the Apes’ is of course the 1968 movie in which space travellers, led by Charlton Heston, crash land on a planet ruled by intelligent chimpanzees, Orang-utans, and Gorillas. In the shocking climax of the film it is revealed that the planet is actually Earth, centuries in the future, having been destroyed by some kind of cataclysm. 
“The economy is falling apart, countries like Greece are being torn apart by riots, and now chimps are attacking people. This is a doomsday scenario if there ever was one and I for one am terrified,” continued Hood. “I’ve already begun packing up my family and we are making plans to move to Canada. I don’t know if that will help in the long term but hopefully it will let us survive the ape apocalypse a little longer. After all we don’t have Charlton Heston to protect us anymore.”
Charlton Heston passed away in April of last year. It’s not clear if the National Rifle Association, of which Heston was once President, is preparing for a potential 
apocalyptic revolution led by lesser primates. It’s also not clear if moving to Canada would do anything at all to stave off the cataclysm should the apes evolve to the point of wearing parkas.
“I really do think that the idea of the entire world being turned upside down by this incident is a slightly extreme view to take. Sure the situation in Connecticut is shocking and tragic for all those involved but there is no evidence to assume that it is anything other than an isolated incident rather than an organized rebellion,” said Scrape TV Zoology analyst Cambridge Walker. “Besides that, the film never indicates that the lesser apes were the cause of the apocalypse and instead could 
simply have been a side effect. I would say that a more likely scenario for animal apocalypse would be something similar to what happened in ‘The Birds’. Apes are our cousins, but birds remember are descended from dinosaurs, much more dangerous.”
Chimpanzees, though relatively the same size as a grown man, are between 5 and size times stronger. Gorillas and Orang-utans grow to significantly larger sizes and are scores more powerful than their human cousins. While biologically almost identical, Chimpanzees have never evolved to the same level as homo-sapiens or even Neanderthals. Biologists still debate the reasons for this, but the commonly accepted evolutionary difference that allowed for the advancement of homo-erectus is opposable thumbs, increased cranial capacity, and the ability to speak, all of which took centuries to develop.
“Biologically there really is no reason for Chimps and other great apes to not evolve to the same level as human beings but our development has been millennia in the making and happened with relatively little competition,” continued Walker. “We haven’t seen major changes in chimps that would indicate a major evolutionary leap.
As things sit right now they do not possess the skills and attributes that would allow them to take over the world so for the time being we are probably safe. I would say though that keeping chimps as pets are probably still not a good idea, as this situation illustrates very bloodily. They may or may not be able to learn our customs and behaviours, but they sure can kick ass when they want to, just one of the many reasons to not keep wild animals as pets.”
The victim in the case is still listed in critical condition and doctors are not sure about her long term prospects. The movies in the ‘Planet of the Apes’ series were recently released on blu-ray though they are not recommended as a learning tool despite their hi definition vision of the apocalypse.
Mike Michaels, American Correspondent
NEWS > U.S.A. > OFFICIALS FEAR APE UPRISING AFTER CHIMPANZEE MAULS WOMAN
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