U.S.A.
Everyone Else
Health
Science
Business
Technology
Sports
Video Games
Entertainment
Future
NEWS > U.S.A. > TOOTH FAIRY MAKING A KILLING AS JOB PROSPECTS DIM
TOOTH FAIRY MAKING A KILLING AS JOB PROSPECTS DIM
March 9 2009
Hoboken, NJ – Things are Tough all over. Back in 1982 when Cheech and Chong brought that realization to movie screens across the country it’s likely they weren’t trying to predict the current economic crisis, but that simple, almost poetic title couldn’t be more true than it is today. With the country haemorrhaging jobs and more and more families being put into dire straits, the plight of the two most famous stoners is coming true for average everyday Americans, most of whom can no longer afford to smoke weed.
While the economic crisis has forced people to become innovative in order to survive, nowhere else in the country has seen the type of actions that have been taking place this small suburb of New York City. Local police and hospital officials have reported a massive increase in cases of ‘profound maxillofacial damage’ stemming from a widespread phenomenon of people removing their teeth in hopes of receiving money from the Tooth Fairy. 
“We have seen a significant and disturbing trend of self mutilation by a number of residents throughout the city of Hoboken. We want to make it clear to everyone that this type of self-induced injury is dangerous will not yield the results people are seeking. We ask everyone to please cease this behaviour for your own well being as well as that of the emergency services of the city,” said the Hoboken Police department in a statement. Officials for the city have made a concerted effort to not mention publicly that there is in fact no such thing as a Tooth Fairy in order to protect the city’s children.
Similar cases have also been reported in neighbouring Weehawken and Union City, though not to the same degree as in Hoboken. Officials are concerned that as the economy worsens they could face an escalation in the number of incidents.
“People are getting desperate and desperate people do silly things. Granted this type of occurrence will likely only happen amongst people of significantly lower intelligent, but the burden this will place on emergency services could cause serious financial hardship. Add to that the virtual inability of someone with no teeth to acquire gainful employment once jobs do become available and we could be looking at a generational disaster the likes of which have never been seen before,” said Scrape TV American analyst Dave Davidson. “There have also been disturbing indications of potential child abuse with at least one person who had been hospitalized believing that the reason the Tooth Fairy didn’t come was because he didn’t have children’s teeth to give. Luckily he doesn’t have any children of his own and police believed he was less dangerous than he was stupid.”
The Tooth Fairy is a fictional creature who sneaks into children’s bedrooms at night and replaces their lost teeth with money. Belief in the mysterious night prowler is largely isolated to The United States and Canada though generally belief in the fairy largely dissipates well before children lose all of their immature teeth.
“For most children the Tooth Fairy is first childhood myths to disappear but apparently some adults still hold onto those childhood fantasies,” continued Davidson. “People in Hoboken must be smoking something if they think this is going to solve all their problems.”
Smoking Marijuana has not been shown to create or exacerbate psychotic behaviour, though in many cases could be used as a sedative to calm a person as they violently remove their own teeth. 
“Dental surgery is like most surgeries and really shouldn’t be conducted on oneself or at all if you are not trained and qualified in the field. Doing so can result in unintended trauma, risk of infection, and potentially death. It is highly recommended that if you plan to have a tooth removed to contact your doctor who will put you in touch with an oral surgeon,” said Scrape TV Medical analyst Dr. Phillip Waites. “I sincerely doubt they will remove a person’s tooth in order to gain money from the Tooth Fairy, and realistically speaking the investment that you
would have to make to have that done would not be recoupable through fictional creatures. If you are really going to do it I would recommend the door handle method, but even then it’s not a good idea.”
Officials are also looking into a recent television film festival involving an ‘Our Gang’ short called ‘The Awful Tooth’ in which the kids explored a similar scenario, though in that case it was to hilarious ends. Exhibitors are reportedly reconsidering their choice of multiple Cheech and Chong movies for the next festival fearing a rise in inept marijuana smuggling and encounters with aliens.
Mike Michaels, American Correspondent
NEWS > U.S.A. > TOOTH FAIRY MAKING A KILLING AS JOB PROSPECTS DIM
|
Scrape Store
