PIZZA HARASSMENT BECOMING EPIDEMIC ACROSS U.S.

August 2 2009

St. Paul, MN – There are few dishes that have so captured the hearts and stomachs of people across the world as pizza has done. Loved by people across the globe regardless of cultural or ethnic boundaries Pizza has become a food far removed from its humble beginnings in Ancient Greece and become a universal human experience.
With almost as many varieties as countries in which it is eaten the growth of pizza has been matched by few other dishes in human history and its influence will likely never be matched.

Of course with any success also comes abuse. Pizza consumption, due in part to the ease of access, has been fingered as one of the key contributors to the growing obesity epidemic that is sweeping not only the United States but the entire western world. As if such health-related issues weren’t insidious enough certain parts of the United States are seeing Pizza abused in ways people never thought possible. Such was the case for a
St. Paul Minnesota man who called police after spotting a ‘suspicious’ slice of pizza near a fence on his property. The slice, hand-tossed cheese and pepperoni, was found partially eaten by police who have yet to find an owner of the mysterious slice.

“Police were called to the 1300 block of Desoto Street on Monday at 8 p.m. by a 43-year-old man who demanded a report be taken. The man had found a piece of pizza that was three-quarters eaten, with bite marks in it, by a fence. He felt it had been left with the intent
to harass, he told police,” said Sgt. Peter Schnell. “This is the first time that we have been called out to a situation like this but we have heard of similar incidents across the country. That is the only reason that we did not charge the home owner with filing a false police claim. We are well aware that in other communities across the country this is becoming a real problem. Frankly, we thought that we had avoided this trouble but apparently that isn’t the case.”

Most of the pizza-related incidents have occurred in cities boasting high population centres. New York City has been particularly affected by the pizza tossing with police responding to dozens of calls a day. FBI officials have yet to determine a pattern to the slice tossing but are not ruling out a calculated effort by an organized group.

“We have to be very wary especially in these dangerous times. On the surface these are only pizza slices that are being tossed around but one day those pizza slices could turn into nuclear bombs and then we would be in deep trouble. Simply put by looking for a possible pattern we may be able to isolate a specific group responsible and shut them down before things get out of control,” said a spokesperson for the local detachment of the FBI. “The CIA, ATF, and DHS are all looking into the situation as well. It’s a little early to say that we are panicking but if such incidents start to appear in more cities then we will have no option but to assume that the country is under attack and we will be forced to take action.”

Early reports indicate that government agencies do not suspect foreign entities such as Al Qaeda as being the perpetrators of the pizza dumplings’, instead they are focussed on domestic agents which have become more prevalent across the country in recent years.

“Al-Qaeda has always done a great job of integrating into American society so it is entirely possible that they may be behind this incidents but many people that I have spoken just don’t feel that this is their style. There is a significant pizza gap between the United States and countries that harbour terrorists and some foods, even ones as delicious as pizza, just don’t cross over,” said Scrape TV Terrorism analyst Doug Davids. “Besides that Al Qaeda just isn’t what they once were. Their finances have been so eroded that it’s unlikely that they would be able to afford such an operation. In New York alone pizza slices can cost upwards of five dollars each. Repeat that over and over again and we are talking about a lot of money. My guess is we are looking at a well-financed domestic organization behind these pizza droppings. Their motives of course are still a mystery.”

Police in St. Paul have questioned all local pizzerias and confiscated questionable dough making equipment. As a precaution neighbouring Minneapolis has requested that all pizza places stop serving certain toppings such as Jalapeno and anchovies.  

Mike Michaels, American Correspondent

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