AMERICAN NUCLEAR WEAPONS MAY SOMEDAY BE FREE FOR ALL TO ENJOY AS FACILITIES AGE
March 11 2012
Washington, D.C. – As long as nuclear weapons exist, which may be forever, there will always be concern that someone will use them. It has only happened once, well twice, but the fear remains potent. In truth, nuclear weapons have likely stopped wars entirely because neither side is looking for complete annihilation. It’s easy to see, for example, how the Cuban Missile Crisis could have gone differently if nuclear obliteration wasn’t on the table.
As humans though we tend to embrace the idea of the apocalypse, and nuclear weapons are a part of that affection for the end of everything, despite them not really being a serious threat. What is a threat, however, is what we saw happen in Japan last year. Ill-equipped, aging nuclear weapon infrastructure susceptible to natural disasters or just the effects of age are the real threat and one that is becoming a bigger problem every day.
Despite the disaster in Japan and a promises from President Obama of funding for upgrading the infrastructure surrounding nuclear weapons, nothing has been done, meaning that aging facilities are just going to get older and older, perhaps even to the point of completely collapsing and making the nuclear weapons of the United States a kind of free-for-all, accessible to anyone who just happens to be in the right place at the right time.
“Mr. Speaker, America’s nuclear weapons budget is locked in a Cold War time machine. It doesn’t reflect our 21st century security needs. It makes no sense. It’s insane,” said Massachusetts Congressman Edward J. Markey last month. “It’s an insane strategy, but it’s our current plan. Today I am introducing the SANE Act – the
Smarter Approach to Nuclear Expenditures Act – with 34 of my colleagues. The SANE Act cuts $100 billion in spending on outdated, wasteful nuclear weapons and related programs over the next ten years. Let’s cut new nuclear weapons and not programs for the poor, the elderly, the sick and the children of our country.”
Markey was reportedly very proud of the speech, having read every single Dr. Seuss book and spent a lot of time studying McDonald’s marketing strategies before writing it.
Recently, fellow congressman Michael Turner invited Markey on a tour of the aging facilities, which was ignored, likely because he was scared.
“When you see pictures of these facilities it really is frightening, terrifying actually but those are isolated pictures and probably don’t reflect the complete picture and that is important to be aware of. There’s no sense blowing your top over nuclear weapons,” said Scrape TV Atomic analyst Mikhail Simpson. “These facilities are going to be in bad shape because they are old, but that doesn’t mean the walls are going to suddenly fall down. I’m sure if that happened they would do something about it, at least plywood.”
Thus far, no facilities have collapsed.
“Obviously advocates of repair aren’t seeing the big picture and are trying to manipulate people’s fears about nuclear technology to pass expensive bills, on which they surely will piggyback their own personal amendments. They want money that really isn’t there and that’s just irresponsible,” continued Simpson. “I mean if a facility falls apart and people rush in, steal the nuclear weapons, and create their own fiefdoms across the country then we will know which direction would have been best but that is an outside possibility at best. That’s not to say it could happen, but it’s very unlikely and there’s no reasonable reason to scare people with those types of ideas.”
It’s believed that the first such nation would be named Petoria or possibly Johio because that would be cool.
Mike Michaels, American Correspondent