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NEWS > U.S.A. > FBI BUSTS SANTA TERRORIST PLOT AS IT’S COMING DOWN THE CHIMNEY

FBI BUSTS SANTA TERRORIST PLOT AS IT’S COMING DOWN THE CHIMNEY

December 24 2008

Kenosha, WI – Field agents for the Wisconsin bureau of the FBI responded to at what first seemed to be a Christmas burglary gone horribly wrong late on Christmas Eve. Local police initially responded to a complaint from a local resident where a man dressed as Santa Claus was found blocking a chimney. After a half dozen similar calls to local police, the FBI was called to investigate the cases.

“We have received calls from across the state with more or less the same complaint. Men in Santa suits being trapped in chimneys. While police on occasion do receive these calls during the season, this is the first time we have had such a widespread and orchestrated set of Santa mishaps,” said Drake Fuller, spokesperson for the Wisconsin bureau. “At first we thought we were being pranked, but we quickly realized that we were dealing with a much more significant and dangerous issue. We have responded to at twenty-seven calls from around the state. So far it appears that only two were the result of holiday cheer.”

Officially the bureau would not comment on the nature of the attacks, the identity of the Santa’s, nor what they believe the intentions behind the Ho-Ho assault. They did confirm that two suited suspects had expired while stuck in the chimneys.

“There could be a number of motives behind the attacks but I believe there are two real possibilities. One, that these terrorists were making an assault into private homes on an unexpected night, something like the Tet offensive. The second is that they were deliberately getting stuck to tie up emergency
personnel. I can’t imagine that anyone with half a brain would actually try to squeeze down a chimney as an actual attack,” said Scrape TV Terrorism analyst Doug Davids. “It’s a shame that people would try to exploit a revered holiday to further their own ends, especially a religious holiday. Of course if these people turn out to be Islamic terrorists they don’t seem to have much respect for their own religion, never mind other peoples.”

Current speculation runs that the attacks were centered in Wisconsin to throw off suspicion, and for the large number of turn of the century homes with chimneys capable of accommodating a grown person.

“I can’t think of any sensible reason to make an assault in Wisconsin aside from the fact that no one, absolutely no one would expect it. It’s just a good thing they didn’t
go after the cheese or beer factories, or the Packers obviously. Santa is one thing, havarti is something else entirely,” continued Davids. “If this indeed does turn out to be terrorism, and of course it will then be Al Qaeda because they commit all terrorist acts, it will mark a new bold move for the organization. It also would mean that they aren’t aiming quite as high and that they are starting to recruit idiots. So this could either be a very scary move for the organization, or a very funny one.”

Officially the FBI has no comment on Al Qaeda’s move into comedy, nor the level of intelligence of the members of the organization. Reportedly none of the people pulled from the homes were carrying presents or naughty and nice lists.

“While this will definitely put a pall over the Christmas eves of a few families, it’s unlikely this will be a significant long term issue. After all, they’d only be able to get away with once a year,” concluded Davids. “Of course it will no doubt spark a rush on chimney protection. I just hope they don’t overdo it otherwise the real Santa will have problems getting down. If Santa can’t deliver his presents than the terrorists really have won.”  

Mike Michaels, American Correspondent

NEWS > U.S.A. > FBI BUSTS SANTA TERRORIST PLOT AS IT’S COMING DOWN THE CHIMNEY

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