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NEWS > U.S.A. > FIRE RUINS SANTA’S TRAVEL PLANS

FIRE RUINS SANTA’S TRAVEL PLANS

December 28 2008

Covina, CA – For the first time ever, Santa had his travel plans thwarted. They were not thwarted by bad weather or the lack of red nosed reindeer, but instead by a fire meant to kill a bunch of people. Of course this Santa had no intention of delivering any presents other than bullets, no doubt a result of a very naughty year indeed.

Bruce Jeffrey Pardo had his Christmas travel plans altered after severely burning himself during his attempted incineration of his former in-laws home, done after he had murdered nine people and injured two more, including a nine year old girl who was shot in the face. Pardo burned his arms and legs and later committed suicide at his brother’s house. Found on his body were 17,000 in cash and an airline ticket to Canada. So far, investigators have not revealed the fate of the ticket.

“Getting a flight for Christmas Eve is no easy task and it’s really too bad he had such an extreme reaction to the situation. Sure he was injured, but if he had explained the situation I’m sure the airline would have at the very least offered him a voucher for another date,” said Scrape TV Airline analyst Jeffry Johnson. “With the economy the way it is, and airlines already going through their troubles, they are usually willing to bend over backwards for customers. First degree burns and an inevitable death sentence would likely fall into their refund policy. Suicide was a tad extreme.”

Police would not elaborate on the cost or the destination of the ticket. They also did not reveal whether or not it would have been eligible for a refund should someone try and collect.

“The whole situation was so tragic yet so dramatic as well. Most people have very mundane plans when it comes to murder but this was so movie-like it’s almost surreal. Not since the Columbine massacre have we seen domestic slaughter done so well,” said Scrape TV Mass Murder analyst Drake Webber. “9/11 of course was the mother of all IRL movie murders, but that was more of a political statement and an act of war. When it comes to recreational killing most people just shoot people. Here we have a costume, mass murder, homemade flamethrowers, and well thought out escape plan. Unfortunately for Pardo, and the conclusion of the story, he screwed it up at the end. For a bit there though, he had something special.”

Police have noted that the Santa Claus of legend is rarely depicted with a flamethrower, and simply does not give gifts to naughty children, not shoot them in the face.

“We found no evidence of a list on his body or in his home. I suppose if there are only a few people you supposed to be delivering to you can keep that in your head,” said police spokesperson Gabriel Walter. “It does seem ironic that he set the place on fire. The last thing you would think of when it comes to Santa is fire, coming down the chimney and all.”

Also of interest is the parallels between this incident and those depicted in the ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’ series of films.

“The connections are a little too eerie to be coincidence but I’m not going to get all worked up until a little more information comes out,” said Charles E. Sellier, director of the first film in the series. “Sure we had a Santa going around killing people, they had a Santa going around killing people. I think we’ll just wait and see how things pan out. I will say though, if that little girl grows up to be a serial killer I’ll be coming at her with a lawsuit. That would be just a little too pat.”

Investigators did not reveal the contents of Pardo’s DVD library. The nine year old shot in the face is recovering in hospital and as yet has not murdered anyone. From all reports the actual Santa Claus visited all the homes in the world, with the exception of those that had been burned to the ground.

Mike Michaels, American Correspondent 

NEWS > U.S.A. > FIRE RUINS SANTA’S TRAVEL PLANS

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