Category Archives: International News

OBAMA MESSES UP BIRTHDAY ON LATEST BIRTH CERTIFICATE

Obama birth certificate

Official date

Washington, D.C. – Barack Obama made a small gaffe on the weekend, temporarily forgetting his own fiftieth birthday. Obama got the date wrong by about two weeks. The date given on his birth certificate is August 4th but the President is now claiming that he was born much earlier, suggesting that the latest version of that controversial document needs to be updated.

PHONE HACKING WHISTLEBLOWER LIKELY KILLED BY MURDOCH FAMILY

Rupert Murdoch

Not happy

London, U.K. – News Corp has never faced a crisis like this before, a crisis which could potentially bring down the multi-billion dollar media giant once and for all. The phone hacking scandal which closed one paper and resulted in multiple arrests now has one more wrinkle after whistleblower Sean Hoare was found dead. Thus far, police do not believe foul play was involved, though they have subpoenaed phone records from the Murdoch family just in case.

CHARLIE SHEEN READY TO QUIT JUST ANNOUNCED SHOW

Charlie Sheen

Back for more!

Los Angeles, CA – He’s back. Charlie Sheen, who just a few months ago publicly imploded and lost his mega hit TV show, is returning to the small screen in a new program based on the movie ‘Anger Management’. The return marks Sheen’s first traditional acting work since production on ‘Two and Half Men’ was shut down earlier this year. Sheen has already begun plans to get fired from the new show.

IRANIAN NUCLEAR FOREST FIRE HEADS TOWARDS ISRAELI HOLOCAUST MEMORIAL

mahmoud ahmadinejad

Firebug

Jerusalem, Israel – A massive forest fire has continued to wind its way towards the Israeli capital today, forcing the evacuation of that city’s holocaust memorial. Residents were evacuated by train as the fire, presumably started by Iranian nuclear scientists, continues to threaten that facility and the surrounding region.

POLICE SHUTTING DOWN SUSPICIOUS LEMONADE STANDS IN GEORGIA

Lemonade stand

Illegal stand

Midway, GA – Police across the state of Georgia have started a campaign to crackdown on illegal and unlicensed lemonade stands. The assault on the illicit stands come in light of a series of revelations that dozens of unregistered stands, often with operators who don’t even know the ingredients of the lemonade, have begun appearing across the state. “We believe that this crackdown will help separate responsible stand owners from fly-by-night operators. It has been very successful.” Small operators are blaming Lemonade Corp, a high profile government contributor, for the crackdown.

COREY FELDMAN CELEBRATES 40TH BIRTHDAY ALL BY HIMSELF

Corey Feldman

Birthday Boy

Los Angeles, CA – The man, the legend, the Corey. Believe it or not, Corey Feldman, the one-time teen heartthrob turned forty-years old today. Feldman reportedly celebrated his birthday by himself in his Los Angeles area home, completely satisfied and happy with his special day. Fellow Corey, Haim, was invited but did not show as he is dead.

SUICIDE HOTLINES TAXED AS MILLIONS FLOCK TO FINAL HARRY POTTER FILM

Harry Potter cast

Harry Potter cast

London, U.K. – Emergency hotlines across the United Kingdom have been overwhelmed in the wake of the release of the final Harry Potter film. The picture, the eighth in the series, has received critical acclaim and already become a blockbuster after hours of release but has also spawned numerous suicide attempts as fans realize that the end has finally arrived. Officials from Warner Brothers, the studio behind the film, have encouraged fans to just go and see the movie again to help with the transition.

EVEN OBAMA’S HOMETOWN SEES LAYOFFS

Rahm Emanuel

Mayor Emanuel

Chicago, IL – Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel has sent layoff notices to at least 625 city employees in the wake of an ever burgeoning budget crisis in the city. The layoffs, the first in the city since hometown hero Barack Obama was elected President, has reportedly made a lot of people upset and given fuel to Republican critics still fighting with the President over the debt ceiling.

OBAMA CASHING SOCIAL SECURITY CHEQUES TO FUND BIRTHDAY BASH

Birthday party

Party!

Washington, D.C. – As one of the biggest budget crises continues to grip Washington and the nation, little of that stress is being seen along the beltway. In particular, the budgetary issues don’t seem to be affecting plans for President Obama’s fiftieth birthday celebration, which is believed to be funded by absent Social Security cheques the President has declined to send out to seniors.

BALDWIN BROTHER NOT THE ONE DOING THE YELLING THIS TIME

Daniel Baldwin and wife

Baldwin and wife

Los Angeles, CA – The Baldwin brothers have long been regarded as one of the most talented acting families in Hollywood, and one of the most volatile. Whether it is Alec screaming at his daughter or any of the brothers going in and out of rehab, the brothers Baldwin have always been known as a little bit passionate about life. However, this time it appears that a Baldwin is the victim of such a tirade after Daniel, perhaps the worst of the lot, filed divorce papers after his wife threatened to kill him. Brother Alec reportedly flew into a rage after hearing what happened to his brother, destroying a New York hotel room.