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NEWS BRIEFS
FROM THE PAGES OF THE LARUE LISTENER
| MCNAMEE TESTIFIES THAT ROGER CLEMENS LIKED IT IN THE BUTT, THE STEROID INJECTIONS THAT IS |
| ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GETS A PITIFUL $50 MILLION FOR ‘THE AVENGERS’ |
| ISRAEL DIDN’T REALLY WANT TO COME TO WAR GAMES ANYWAYS |
| GREEK BANKS ENDURE MASSIVE RUN ON IOU NOTICES |
| TUPAC WAS APPARENTLY IN LOVE WITH VERSACE BEFORE HIS DEATH |
| JUSTIN BIEBER SAYS KIM KARDASHIAN WORKS REALLY HARD SO SHE DESERVES EVERYTHING SHE HAS AND STUFF |
| MANNY PACQUIAO DECIDES TO LET THE GAY PEOPLE OF THE WORLD SURVIVE, FOR NOW |
| ACTOR NICK STAHL MISSING BUT NOT REALLY MISSED |
| JOHN TRAVOLTA CELEBRATES LAWSUIT DISMISSAL BY HAVING SEX WITH WOMAN PARTS |
| DONOVAN MCNABB WILLING TO PLAY FOR ANYONE WHETHER THEY WANT HIM OR NOT |
| DESPITE HOWARD STERN’S PRESENCE ‘AMERICA’S GOT TALENT’ PREMIERES TO LOW RATINGS BECAUSE NO ONE REALLY CARES |
| PAUL REUBENS READY TO UNLEASH HIS PEE WEE ON THE WORLD AGAIN |
| RICKY MARTIN RAISES VIRTUALLY NOTHING FOR OBAMA CAMPAIGN |
| JAY-Z NOW SUPPORTING GAY MARRIAGE JUST LIKE BOYFRIEND OBAMA |
| RON PAUL PROBABLY THINKS IT’S A BIG DEAL HE’S OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE |
| SQUARE ENIX ACTUALLY DOES SOMETHING THAT MAKES THEM MONEY THIS YEAR |
| THREE EXECUTIVES LEAVE J.P. MORGAN WITH HUGE COMPENSATION DEALS FOLLOWING $2 BILLION LOSS |
| CHRIS BOSH INJURY UNLIKELY TO IMPACT THE HEAT FALLING SHORT OF NBA TITLE |
| ‘FIFTY SHADES OF GREY’ PUBLISHER OPPOSING LIBRARY BAN DESPITE RAMPANT OLD PERSON SEX IN LIBRARIES ACROSS THE NATION |
| DEMI LOVATO OFFICIALLY AN ‘X FACTOR’ JUDGE JUST IN CASE ANYONE ACTUALLY CARED |
| GEORGIA GRAD STUDENT WITH FLESH EATING DISEASE HANGING ON DESPITE LOSING FINGERS |
| ECARD RETAILERS OVERLOADED WITH DEMAND AFTER MILLIONS FORGET MOTHER’S DAY |
| THE AVENGERS PROBABLY THE LAST MOVIE ANYONE WILL SPEND MONEY ON EVER AGAIN |
| IRAN NOW PLANNING TO DESTROY ISRAEL WITH WILLPOWER AND NASTY THOUGHTS |
| LEBRON GETS MVP AWARD FOR NO GOOD REASON OTHER THAN BEING LEBRON |
| JESSICA SIMPSON’S BABY WORTH WAY LESS THAN EVERY OTHER CELEBRITY BABY |
| JEREMIAH WRIGHT KEEPS TALKING EVEN AFTER OBAMA CAMPAIGN OFFERS HIM THOUSANDS TO JUST SHUT UP |
| BUFFALO BILLS SIGN VINCE YOUNG FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL |
| HOUSTON FAMILY GETS REALITY SHOW TO FORCE BOBBI KRISTINA ON ALL OF US |
| GERALDO RIVERA GETTING NO SYMPATHY AFTER ‘RAPE’ BY TSA BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES HIM |
| CHRISTINA AGUILERA SHOWING UP LATE TO ‘THE VOICE’ ALMOST EVERY DAY AS BODY GETS TOO LARGE TO MANAGE |
| VIKINGS STADIUM OFFICIALLY BEING BUILT IN MINNESOTA NOT LOS ANGELES |
| CONNECTICUT MAN BUSTED FOR SMUGGLING RADIOACTIVE MATERIAL IN HIS CELLS |
| CHRIS ‘BIRDMAN’ ANDERSON SAVED FROM STRESS OF FACING LAKERS WITH CHILD PORN INVESTIGATION |
| EDDIE IZZARD TO RUN 27 MARATHONS TO HONOUR MANDELA, FRIENDS PLAN TO RUN GREAT FUNERAL SERVICE AFTERWARDS |
| BRISTOL PALIN TELLING EVERY ONE OF HER FRIENDS OBAMA IS WRONG FOR SUPPORTING GAY MARRIAGE |
| HEATH LEDGER UNLIKELY TO RETURN FOR ’10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU' SEQUEL |
| CHRIS BROWN FINALLY CROSSES THE LINE WITH RIHANNA HE DIDN’T CROSS WHEN HE SMASHED HER FACE |
| VIDAL SASSOON WAS ACTUALLY A REAL PERSON AND DIED YESTERDAY |
| TURNS OUT OBAMA LOVES THE GAY MARRIAGE AFTER ALL |
| JOSH HAMILTON TIES RECORD WITH FOUR HOMERS BUT DOESN'T EVEN TRY FOR A FIFTH |
| AGAINST ME! SINGER GOING ALL TRANSGENDERED FOR HIS FANS |
| INMATE 11593-051 POSING FIRST SERIOUS BALLOT CHALLENGE FOR OBAMA |
| EVEN MORE MASSEUSES COME FORWARD WITH SEX ASSAULT CLAIMS AGAINST JOHN TRAVOLTA |
| MILA KUNIS RUSHES TO SAVE A MAN’S LIFE AND LOOKS PRETTY HOT DOING IT |
| PLAYBOY MODEL MAKES CASE TO BE NEXT PRESIDENT OF MEXICO WITH HER GIANT BOOBS |
| GARY COLEMAN HAD A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY PEOPLE ARE STILL FIGHTING OVER |
| DUSTIN HOFFMAN CAUSES MAN’S HEART ATTACK THEN SAVES HIM, PROBABLY TO LOOK LIKE A HERO |
| TURNS OUT OPRAH DOESN’T REALLY HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE FROM NETWORK FAILURE |
| PILLS FILLED WITH DEAD BABY FLESH SEIZED IN SOUTH KOREA REALLY NOT GOOD FOR YOU IT TURNS OUT |
| SECRET SERVICE HOOKER TALKING TO THE MEDIA LIKE SHE THINKS PEOPLE STILL CARE |
| MILA KUNIS EXPLAINS HOW HER HOTNESS WAS INFLUENCED BY THE HOLOCAUST |
| THE FRENCH JUST GIVE UP ON NICOLAS SARKOZY IN FINAL ELECTION VOTE |
| I’LL HAVE ANOTHER KILLS AT KENTUCKY DERBY JUST LIKE SOME GUY IN THE CROWD DID |
| AMANDA BYNES RACKING UP THE HITS AS SHE RUNS INTO ANOTHER CAR |
| WITH 200 MILLION DOLLAR WEEKEND MARVEL STARTING TO CONSIDER AVENGERS SEQUEL |
| OCTOMOM USING PORN MONEY TO BUY DUNGEON FOR HER MANY CHILDREN |
| RICK FOX KNOWS EXACTLY WHY JUNIOR SEAU KILLED HIMSELF BUT DID NOTHING TO STOP IT |
| STUDY FINDS AMISH CHILDREN MAY POSSESS SOME KIND OF FREAKY SUPER POWERS |
| MARIANO RIVERA SCREWS UP LEGENDARY CAREER BY PLAYING WITH BALLS |
| LADY GAGA DUMPS BOYFRIEND AND ABANDONS ALL HOPE OF FINDING SOMEONE WHO WILL DEAL WITH HER FACE |
| BEASTIE BOYS FRONTMAN DIES BUT BANDMATES VOW TO FIGHT AND PARTY ON |
| PEPSI GLAD IT CAN’T SET MICHAEL JACKSON ON FIRE WITH NEWEST CAMPAIGN |
| THE SCREAM SELLS FOR RECORD AMOUNT DESPITE MOST PEOPLE STILL NOT GETTING IT AT ALL |
| MOTHER ARRESTED AFTER TAKING CHILD INTO TANNING BED SAYS SHE LOOKS GOOD AT LEAST |
| JUNIOR SEAU STILL VERY MUCH DEAD DESPITE PASSIONATE DISBELIEF AMONGST FOOTBALL FANS |
| TOM CRUISE BEGINS CONQUEST OF HUGH JACKMAN’S LIFE WITH ROLE IN VAN HELSING |
| JUNIOR SEAU KILLS HIMSELF AFTER THIRD COMEBACK ATTEMPT FAILS |
| KAT VON D NARROWLY SURVIVES CREEPY STALKER PHONE CALL AND GETS TATTOO TO CELEBRATE |
| TYLER PERRY NOT KILLED, NO ONE KILLED, AND NOTHING REALLY DAMAGED IN STUDIO FIRE |
| ONE WORLD TRADE CENTER NOW TALLEST BUILDING IN NEW YORK MAKING IT A PERFECT TARGET |
| EMERGENCY PERSONNEL ON SITE AT HOSPITAL AS JESSICA SIMPSON GETS READY TO BLOW |
| HUNDREDS OF ISOLATIONIST RACIST GUN LOVERS RALLY TO SUPPORT SHERIFF JOE |
| OBAMA BRINGS HOLLYWOOD BACK INTO THE FOLD WITH DOG EATING JOKES |
| US PASTOR ASKS FOR DONATIONS AFTER RUNNING OUT OF KORANS TO BURN |
| LAKERS PLAYERS READY AND WILLING TO RE-SIGN LAMAR ODOM TO TEAM |
| RICK SANTORUM CAN’T EVEN HOOK UP WITH LINDSAY LOHAN AT WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT’S DINNER |
| OCTOMOM READY TO KNOCK A FEW BABIES OUT OF MEXICAN COMPETITOR TO RETAIN TITLE |
| MEL GIBSON MANAGES TO KEEP HIS COOL FOR THE DURATION OF TONIGHT SHOW APPEARANCE |
| GIANT CANNIBAL SHRIMP TAKING OVER GULF COAST ARE STILL ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS |
| MICHELLE OBAMA AGREES TO NOT RUN AGAINST HER HUSBAND IN UPCOMING ELECTION |
| EGYPT FINALLY CLEARS WAY FOR NECROPHILES TO BE FREE |
| NEWT GINGRICH BAILS ON PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN LIKE A QUITTER |
| BIDEN SAYS HE’S SEEN THE PRESIDENT’S STICK AND IT’S REALLY BIG |
| ‘THE HOBBIT’ IS PROBABLY JUST TOO GOOD FOR ORDINARY PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND |
| LINDSAY LOHAN AND ROSIE O’DONNELL NOT GOING TO BE HANGING OUT ANYTIME SOON |
| NORWEGIAN MASS KILLER’S ONLY REGRET IS NOT KILLING MORE PEOPLE |
| CHILD SUPPORT ARREST AT LEAST MAKING DENNIS RODMAN FEEL WANTED |
| JENNIFER ANISTON GETTING MARRIED AFTER HEARING OF BRAD PITT’S ENGAGEMENT |
| JOHN EDWARDS APPROVAL RATING DROPS LOWER MAKING PRESIDENTIAL BID EVEN MORE UNLIKELY |
| JUSTIN BIEBER TRYING TO RECONNECT WITH BABY MAMA OVER TWITTER |
| WOMEN OFFICIALLY WORSE DRIVERS THAN MEN |
| CORONER RULES ANDREW BREITBART DIED FROM HAVING NO DISCERNABLE HEART |
| CESAR MILLAN’S 'THE WIFE WHISPERER" CANCELLED FOLLOWING DIVORCE |
| CHRISTINA AGUILERA LOSES SOME OF HER GRAVITATIONAL PULL WITH WEIGHT LOSS |
| LINDSAY LOHAN’S LAWYERS NOT SURE IF BAR FIGHTS WILL VIOLATE HER PROBATION |
| UNCONSCIOUS SOLO FLIGHT ENDS IN DISASTER FOR PILOT OVER GULF OF MEXICO |
| MEL GIBSON RECORDINGS MAY BE THE HIT HE HAS BEEN MISSING FOR YEARS |
| DICK CLARK DIES BUT STILL LOOKS LIKE A TEENAGER |
| KIM KARDASHIAN WANTS TO BE THE MAYOR OF CALIFORNIA |
| JAMIE MOYER WINS FIRST GAME, GETS HOME IN TIME TO WATCH HIS SHOWS AND GET TO BED EARLY |
| PULITZER COMMITTEE DECIDES TO NOT EVEN READ THE NOMINEES THIS YEAR |
| AS SALES CONTINUE TO SLIDE IT’S ALMOST LIKE MADONNA’S NEWEST ALBUM WAS NEVER ACTUALLY RELEASED |
| OFFICIALLY, POPE BENEDICT CELEBRATES HIS 85TH BIRTHDAY |
| LINDSAY LOHAN DOESN’T DRINK OR ASSAULT ANYONE DURING COACHELLA |
| AFTER 100 YEARS TITANIC STILL A ROTTING HUNK OF METAL AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN |
| FOUR-YEAR OLD GENIUS JOINS MENSA BUT WILL LIKELY STILL END UP DISAPPOINTED BY LIFE |
| MORGAN FREEMAN NOT MARRYING GRANDDAUGHTER BUT STILL LOOKING FOR LOVE |
| CAT SAVED FROM EXECUTION BUT WILL STILL BE DEAD IN A COUPLE OF YEARS |
| BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE ENGAGED AND READY TO ADOPT THE REST OF THE CHILDREN IN THE WORLD |
| ALEX KARRAS SUES NFL FOR DEMENTIA AFTER VIEWERS OF WEBSTER SUE HIM FOR SAME REASON |
| DAVE GROHL NOW CONSIDERING SLEEPING WITH FRANCES BEAN AFTER COURTNEY LOVE SUGGESTS IT |
| AMANDA BYNES STILL NOT LETTING DRIVING GET IN THE WAY OF DRINKING |
| STRANGER FINDS DIDDY’S BED AND FOOD JUST RIGHT FOLLOWING BREAK IN |
| AXL ROSE DECIDES TO LEAVE HALL OF FAME CEREMONY AFTER OFFICIALS FAIL TO TURN OVER ALL THEIR RIGHTS |
| DR. DRE WILL HAVE GHOSTS PERFORMING FOR HIM AT COACHELLA |
| OSAMA BIN LADEN FINALLY FALLS OFF TEN MOST WANTED LIST AFTER A DECADE AT THE TOP |
| MATT GROENING REVEALS SPRINGFIELD LOCATION AND IT’S AS DISAPPOINTING AS EXPECTED |
| MIAMI MARLINS MANAGER SUSPENDED AFTER EXPRESSING HIS LOVE FOR ANOTHER MAN |
| ROBERT MUGABE FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE IN SINGAPORE AND RECEIVING A LITTLE BIT OF HELP |
| LAMAR ODOM ORDERS MOVING TRUCK FOR HIS WIFE AFTER LEAVING MAVERICKS |
| BOBBI KRISTINA READYING HERSELF TO PLAY MOTHER IN BIOPIC WITH DRUGS AND BOOZE |
| PEOPLE FINALLY NOTICING THOMAS KINKADE IS DEAD AFTER DAYS OF BEING DEAD |
| TODDLER UNDERGOES SURGERY TO CORRECT CUTEST AILMENT EVER |
| MIKE WALLACE’S TOUGHEST INTERVIEW SUBJECTS NOT ALL THAT UPSET HE IS DEAD |
| THE POPE SECURES HIMSELF WITH GIANT CROSS THROUGH EASTER CEREMONY |
| APPLE CONSIDERING REMOVING HUMAN ORGANS AS PART OF MSRP ON IPADS |
| SELF-CRASHING JET TEST DECLARED A SUCCESS IN VIRGINIA |
| U.S. DESTROYS JAPANESE GHOST SHIP UNLEASHING NUCLEAR SPIRITS THIRSTY FOR REVENGE |
| AMANDA BYNES HAS HER FIRST HIT IN YEARS AFTER CLIPPING POLICE CAR |
| KIM KARDASHIAN MAKES REBOUND IN THE PRESS WITH KANYE WEST RELATIONSHIP |
| TILA TEQUILA FREE FROM REHAB AND READY TO PARTY |
| YAHOO! STILL HAS EMPLOYEES, LAYS OFF ABOUT 2000 OF THEM |
| KEITH OLBERMANN NOT SURE ANY HOUSE IN THE WORLD BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD HIS CHANDELIER |
| VAN JONES ADVOCATES OBAMA COMING OUT AS A GAY MAN |
| SHIFTY SHELLSHOCK IN A DEEPER COMA THAN HIS CAREER |
| RICK PERRY USED PAIN KILLERS TO GET THROUGH DEBATES JUST LIKE MOST OF HIS SUPPORTERS |
| RYAN LEAF KILLING THE ARREST GAME IN MONTANA |
| LIN-SURGERY TO END LIN-SANITY FOR THIS LIN-SEASON |
| OCTOMOM GETS DEATH THREATS BUT NO PROMISES AFTER GOING ON WELFARE |
| RYAN LEAF THE NUMBER ONE CHOICE FOR BURGLARY AND DRUG POSSESSION CHARGES |
| POLICE REPORT THAT WHITNEY HOUSTON DIDN’T SNORT EVERY OUNCE OF COCAINE IN ROOM BEFORE SHE DIED |
| ALBINO WOMAN FREAKS OUT, SCARES PEOPLE OVER OFFENSIVE BEER NAME |
| NOBODIES STILL MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF CARSON DALY’S GAY COMMENTS |
| BOOZE MORE THAN WILLING TO TRY TO KILL CHRIS KLEIN AGAIN |
| QUEBEC DOCTORS GETTING SO CARRIED AWAY WITH BREAST EXAMS THEY ARE FORGETTING ABOUT THE CANCER |
| SPIKE LEE GATHERING ARMY TO HUNT DOWN ELDERLY COUPLE TIED TO TRAYVON MARTIN SHOOTING |
| PIERS MORGAN SAYS MADONNA WILL NEVER BE ON HIS SHOW WHICH HE ACTUALLY DOES HAVE |
| ROSWELL CITY OFFICIALS FINALLY DEAL WITH CHICKEN MAN ONCE AND FOR ALL |
| LAUREN SCRUGGS' DEMAND FOR MORE MONEY MAY SET PRECEDENT FOR PEOPLE WHO WALK INTO PLANE PROPELLERS |
| SIMON COWELL TRIES TO SHOW ANGER AFTER WOMAN BREAKS INTO HIS HOUSE |
| JAMES CAMERON JUST SURVIVES DESCENT INTO MARIANA TRENCH |
| GALLAGHER SUFFERS ANOTHER HEART ATTACK BUT JUST WON’T DIE |
| PAT ROBERTSON HOPING PEYTON MANNING BREAKS HIS NECK IN DENVER |
| KIM KARDASHIAN FIGURES OUT A WAY TO GET EVEN MORE ATTENTION FROM FLOUR BOMBING |
| GINGRICH LOOKING TO WIN THE LEAST IMPORTANT STATE IN THE UNION, DELAWARE |
| KIM KARDASHIAN GETS A BUNCH OF WHITE STUFF THROWN IN HER FACE ON CAMERA AGAIN |
| BOB DOLE, STILL ALIVE, TELLS SANTORUM TO GET OUT OF RACE |
| HOPES OF TRANSPORT INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION DASHED AS MORE BODIES FOUND IN COSTA CONCORDIA WRECK |
| DOCTORS CONFIRM KONY 2012 DIRECTOR WENT CRAZY BECAUSE HE WENT CRAZY |
| ROMNEY WINS ILLINOIS ELECTION FOR THE FIRST AND ONLY TIME EVER |
| MICHAEL BAY DECIDES TO RUIN TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES LIKE HE DOES WITH EVERYTHING ELSE |
| JAMES CAMERON LOSES HIS DAMN FOOL MIND TRAVELLING TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA ALONE |
| BROOKE MUELLER GETS PLEA DEAL JUST LIKE SHE WAS A REAL CELEBRITY |
| GALLAGHER SURVIVES AGAIN, OUT OF COMA, TELLING ‘JOKES’ |
| CANADIANS GET UNUSUALLY VIOLENT DURING ST. PATRICK’S DAY CELEBRATION |
| HANNIBAL GADDAFI LOSES SHARK TANK YACHT AFTER MISSING PAYMENTS |
| KIM KARDASHIAN STILL MAKING A KILLING OFF EXTENDED DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS |
| WOMAN GOING CRAZY OVER LACK OF SAUSAGES TEACHES 7-ELEVEN LESSON IN SAUSAGE READINESS |
| BERLIN READY TO ALLOW HOLOCAUST MEMORIAL TO CRUMBLE AWAY INTO NOTHING |
| MICHIGAN TORNADOES CAUSE DAMAGE BARELY ANYONE NOTICES |
| PHILADELPHIA TRYING TO CRACK DOWN ON HOMELESS WITH FEEDING BAN |
| MICHAEL MADSEN FREE TO GET DRUNK AND BEAT UP HIS KID AGAIN |
| LINDSAY LOHAN WAS PROBABLY JUST TOO WASTED TO REALIZE SHE HIT SOMEONE WITH HER CAR |
| LONG-LOST DA VINCI MASTERPIECE FOUND, VANDALIZED, AND STOLEN ALL IN THE SAME DAY |
| BOBBI KRISTINA INTERVIEW EXACTLY THE RATINGS FIX OPRAH NEEDED |
| OBAMA SUPER PACS JOIN FORCES TO BECOME UBER PAC |
| WHITNEY HOUSTON’S SISTER DOESN’T KNOW HOW SHE GOT IN THE TUB BEING SO WASTED |
| LENNY DYKSTRA HOPING TO DEAL WITH ALL HIS LEGAL PROBLEMS IN ONE GO |
| YET ANOTHER CANADIAN SKIER KILLED BY JEALOUS IOC OFFICIALS |
| WAITER FIRED FOR SHOWING MANNING TIP CONSIDERING OFFERS FROM A NUMBER OF OTHER RESTAURANTS |
| MITT ROMNEY ACCEPTED AS PRESIDENT OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN |
| BRITNEY SPEARS REJECTS X-FACTOR OFFER TO CHASE DREAM OF BECOMING MARGINALLY RELEVANT IN VEGAS |
| FORMER STAR WARS ACTOR JAKE LLOYD VOWS TO NEVER ACT AGAIN WHICH IS JUST FINE |
| POLICE REFUSE TO CHARGE WILD TURKEY HARASSING MICHIGAN WOMAN |
| RIHANNA HOPES DEFEATING KONY WILL MAKE HER MORE ATTRACTIVE TO CHRIS BROWN |
| BUFFALO BILLS THINK HUGE NEW CONTRACT FOR STEVIE JOHNSON WILL HELP SOMEHOW |
| WITH DEMI OUT OF THE WAY ASHTON KUTCHER MAKES PLAY FOR RUMER |
| HULK HOGAN SEX TAPE MAY BE THE ONE SEX TAPE NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH |
| NEWT GINGRICH REFUSES TO TAKE PART IN POLITICAL PROCESS AFTER NOT GETTING HIS WAY IN VIRGINIA |
| TILA TEQUILA DOESN’T QUITE KILL HERSELF THIS TIME |
| SAN FRANCISCO DECLARES FIRST TEST OF CITY-WIDE EARTHQUAKE ALARM CLOCK A SUCCESS |
| DEMI MOORE’S WHIP-IT VENDOR THE FIRST ONE TO GREET HER AFTER RELEASE FROM TREATMENT |
| FORMER SPIDER-MAN MUSICAL DIRECTOR FEARING ASSASSINATION FROM SHOW PRODUCERS |
| 95-YEAR OLD WOMAN RETURNS FROM THE DEAD TO EAT THE DINNER OF THE LIVING |
| GM GIVES VOLT WORKERS A CHANCE TO REST AHEAD OF ANTICIPATED RUSH |
| GUY WHO ISN’T FAMOUS ON SHOW NO ONE WATCHES GETS TREATMENT FOR DRUG PROBLEM |
| TOUR RETRACING THE STEPS OF JEFFREY DAHMER SELLS OUT |
| RUSH LIMBAUGH MANAGES TO GRAB ATTENTION FROM BREITBART DEATH WITH BOMB THREAT |
| CONRAD MURRAY AND JAMES DEBARGE FINALLY SETTLE THEIR JAILHOUSE FEUD |
| LINDSAY LOHAN WANTS INVITE TO THE OSCARS WHICH HAPPENED FIVE DAYS AGO |
| DAVY JONES DIES OF HEART ATTACK REMINDING OLD PEOPLE THEY ARE OLD |
| SNOOKI MAY NEVER KNOW WHO THE FATHER OF HER UNBORN BABY IS |
| VICTIMS JUST KEEP STACKING UP IN OHIO SCHOOL SHOOTING |
| ROBIN GIBB STILL STAYIN’ ALIVE FOLLOWING CANCER SETBACK |
| SEAN YOUNG FINALLY GETS OSCAR ATTENTION WITH ASSAULT ARREST AT PARTY |
| HALLE BERRY DISAPPOINTED OSCARS WEREN'T CANCELLED IN WAKE OF HER ABSENCE |
| CELINE DION POSSIBLY NEAR DEATH AFTER SURPRISE CANCELLATION OF VEGAS SHOWS |
| MARY JO BUTTAFUCO WILLING TO RISK ANOTHER BULLET TO THE FACE BY GETTING MARRIED AGAIN |
| PHOTOGRAPHER MANAGES TO GET PICTURE OF CHRIS BROWN WITHOUT BEING ATTACKED |
| TIM TEBOW FINALLY HITS THE DATING SCENE WITH NINE-YEAR OLD FRIEND |
| CHRIS BROWN NOW TAKING OUT HIS ANGER ON IPHONES |
| GERARD BUTLER ENTERS REHAB JUST LIKE A REAL CELEBRITY |
| SAUDI MAN FINDS BIN LADEN SONG NOT A HIT DURING FLIGHT TO HOUSTON |
| LA TOYA JACKSON MIGHT JUST DO SOMETHING CRAZY IF CONRAD MURRAY IS RELEASED EARLY |
| DREW BARRYMORE PROBABLY PREGNANT WITH BABY WHOSE LIFE SHE’LL RUIN |
| DIVERS FIND 8 MORE BODIES IN ITALIAN CRUISE WRECKAGE BUT NO GHOSTS, YET |
| LINDSAY LOHAN TO HOST SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE AS PART OF PROBATION DEAL |
| SCIENTISTS RESURRECT EXTINCT FLOWER THAT WILL LIKELY NOT GET OUT OF CONTROL AND KILL PEOPLE |
| CHRIS TUCKER STILL DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THE LIENS COMING OUT OF THE IRS OFFICES |
| TOM BRADY DECIDES TO STAY WITH SUPERMODEL WIFE AND MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN DESPITE HER SUPER BOWL FLUB |
| ELIZABETH SMART RESURFACES IN HAWAII, GETS MARRIED, THEN VANISHES AGAIN |
| ASUS REFUSING TO COVER ALIEN INVASIONS WITH LAPTOP WARRANTIES |
| ILLINOIS CRACKING DOWN ON RAMPANT ABUSE WITH NEW LAW PROHIBITING SEX WITH THE DEAD |
| NICK CANNON QUITS RADIO SHOW AS HE TAKES ONE MORE STEP TOWARDS DEATH |
| REPORTER FALLS VICTIM TO ASTHMA ATTACKS LAUNCHED BY SYRIAN MILITARY |
| CHRIS BROWN ALWAYS DEADLY SERIOUS WHEN IT COMES TO BEATING WOMEN |
| OPRAH ONE OF THE LUCKY FEW INVITED TO WHITNEY HOUSTON’S FINAL SHOW |
| GARY BUSEY MAY LOSE ALL HIS VHS TAPES IN BANKRUPTCY PROCEEDINGS |
| CHIN CREAM AMONGST MANY ITEMS STOLEN IN BURGLARY AT RUMER WILLIS’ HOME |
| BLAKE LIVELY FINALLY GETS HER FIRST STALKER |
| NEWT GINGRICH SPENDS REMAINDER OF CAMPAIGN FUNDS ON VALENTINE’S GIFT FOR HIS MANY LADY FRIENDS |
| TWO COLUMBINE STUDENTS INJURED IN LAMEST ATTACK IN SCHOOL'S HISTORY |
| TYLER PERRY OFFERS PRIVATE JET FOR WHITNEY HOUSTON BODY TRANSPORT, POSSIBLE ROLE IN NEW MOVIE |
| REGGIE BUSH WILLING TO SACRIFICE WHAT’S LEFT OF HIS CAREER FOR ANOTHER SHOT AT KIM KARDASHIAN |
| WHITNEY HOUSTON FINALLY BETRAYED BY THE DRUGS THAT WERE SO GOOD TO HER ALL THESE YEARS |
| LEGISLATORS ALREADY CALLING FOR CRACKDOWN ON BATHTUB WATER LEVELS FOLLOWING WHITNEY HOUSTON DEATH |
| SAMUEL L. JACKSON PUTS AS MUCH TIME INTO READING ELECTION BALLOTS AS HE DOES SCRIPTS |
| WILL.I.AM SAYS OBAMA ISN’T MAGIC, BUT HE IS OF COURSE |
| BRITISH NEWSPAPERS MAY END UP WITH NO EMPLOYEES AS ARRESTS CONTINUE |
| CALLISTA GINGRICH ALLOWED TO SPEAK IN PUBLIC FOR THE FIRST TIME |
| MADONNA STALKER GETS FREE BUT PROBABLY JUST AS TURNED OFF BY HER AS EVERYONE ELSE |
| DEATH OF SON ABOUT AS FUNNY AS BOBBY FARRELLY’S LAST FEW MOVIES |
| HALLE BERRY TAKING DAUGHTER TO EUROPE WITH BOYFRIEND WHO WILL PROBABLY BEAT HER UP |
| SUGE KNIGHT ARRESTED FOR HIS MOST BORING OFFENCE YET |
| GARY BUSEY BANKRUPT AFTER SPENDING MOST OF HIS MONEY ON CRAZY |
| KATY PERRY WILL NOT HAVE TO PAY RUSSELL BRAND FOR HIS YEAR OF SERVICE |
| NICK CARTER WOULDN’T HAVE GONE TO SISTER’S FUNERAL EVEN IF HE HAD BEEN ASKED |
| NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD ACTOR DIES, BODY DESTROYED, CRISIS BELIEVED OVER |
| M.I.A. DOES HERSELF ALL KINDS OF FAVOURS BY FLIPPING OFF SUPER BOWL AUDIENCE |
| RANDY TRAVIS CAN STILL AFFORD BOOZE AND LIKES TO DRINK IT OUTSIDE CHURCHES |
| THOUSANDS OF BOSNIANS TRAPPED BY SNOW IN BOSNIA |
| MIDDLE SCHOOLER CAUGHT SELLING POT BROWNIES SWEARS BACKPACK ISN’T HERS |
| NEWT GINGRICH NOW BEATING PEOPLE WHO DON’T VOTE FOR HIM |
| TIM TEBOW NOT SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING BID FOR WHITE HOUSE |
| PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE HAPPY MADONNA WILL KEEP HER CLOTHES ON DURING SUPER BOWL HALF-TIME SHOW |
| THREE’S COMPANY STARS END THIRTY YEAR FEUD TWENTY-FIVE YEARS AFTER ANYONE CARED |
| DEMI MOORE WILLING TO EXCHANGE SEXUAL FAVOURS FOR WHIP ITS |
| LINDSAY LOHAN SLURS HER COMPLAINTS ABOUT BOOZING STORIES |
| SNOOKI FAT OR PREGNANT OR WHATEVER IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER |
| DON CORNELIUS TAKES SOUL TRAIN TO THE AFTERLIFE |
| STEVE-O WILL LIKELY END UP GIVING SOME TYPE OF DISEASE TO GEORGE CLOONEY’S EX |
| MAN WHO SWUNG LIGHTSABERS AT POLICE STRUCK DOWN BUT WILL BECOME MORE POWERFUL THAN ANYONE CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE |
| TERMINATOR 3 STAR EVEN MORE UNLIKELY TO SAVE HUMANITY AFTER SKIPPING ON CAB FARE |
| HALLE BERRY’S FACE LOOKS GREAT IN COURT AS SHE FIGHTS HER BABY DADDY |
| CAIN BACKS GINGRICH AFTER THE PAIR SWAP MISTRESSES |
| WEATHER GETS COLD, REAL COLD, IN ALASKA OF ALL PLACES |
| MICHAEL LOHAN BACK IN THE HOSPITAL FOR CHEST PAINS AND MAY YET DIE |
| EVERYONE WHO LIKES FACEBOOK MAY BE A BILLIONAIRE NEXT WEEK |
| MEXICAN U.N. OFFICIALS DEMANDING THEIR COCAINE SHIPMENT FROM POLICE |
| ASHTON KUTCHER RETURNS TO L.A. FOR VISIT WITH HOSPITALIZED MOTHER |
| PAULA DEEN ALREADY EATING THE CRAP OUT OF DIABETES |
| DMX FINDS FIRST CLASS IS DARK AND PLANE IS HOT AFTER DIGESTIVE EMERGENCY |
| HEATHER LOCKLEAR APPEARS ALIVE AFTER BRIEF STAY IN HOSPITAL |
| ASHTON KUTCHER’S MOTHER DEMI MOORE STABLE IN HOSPITAL |
| RUSSIAN SCIENTIST FINDS EVIDENCE OF LIFE ON VENUS AND POSSIBLY THE SUN |
| JAY CUTLER STILL CONFUSED AS TO HOW HE IMPREGNATED KRISTIN CAVALLARI FROM THE COUCH |
| INDONESIAN GIRL SWALLOWED BY CROCODILE WAS APPARENTLY A BIT OF WHINER |
| MONKEY FEARED EXTINCT REDISCOVERED AND TOTALLY DELICIOUS |
| DUTCH TEEN COMPLETES SOLO TOUR AROUND THE WORLD WITHOUT DYING |
| COSTA CONCORDIA OFFERS DISCOUNT AND NO MORE DISASTERS TO CRASH SURVIVORS |
| GHOST BEATS WOMAN AS HUSBAND STANDS HELPLESS AGAINST EVIL SPIRITS |
| JAY-Z’S 40/40 CLUB SHUT DOWN AFTER HE ORDERS HUNDREDS TO BE POISONED |
| RICK PERRY’S DEPARTURE FROM REPUBLICAN RACE BARELY WORTH MENTIONING |
| HALLE BERRY’S STALKER GETS 386 DAYS IN JAIL TO COME UP WITH A NEW PLAN TO CONVINCE HER SHE BELONGS TO HIM |
| TIM TEBOW SPENDS WILD HOURS IN VEGAS, SEES AIRPORT, HOTEL ROOM |
| EARTHQUAKE IN IRANIAN CITY PROBABLY HAS NO SYMBOLIC MEANING WHATSOEVER |
| MARK WAHLBERG MAY INVENT TIME MACHINE TO GO BACK AND FIGHT 9/11 HIJACKERS |
| PAULA DEEN WILL LIKELY BE DEAD OR DYING SOMETIME VERY SOON AFTER DIABETES DIAGNOSIS |
| 5-YEAR OLD CHARGED WITH STABBINGS REALLY WANTED HIS JUICE BOX |
| LINDSAY LOHAN FINALLY FINDS HER NICHE IN FULFILLING PROBATION OBLIGATIONS |
| O.J. SIMPSON CLAIMS IMPRISONMENT THE REASON HE CAN’T ROB AND MURDER TO KEEP HIS HOME |
| IT WAS ALMOST LIKE JON HUNTSMAN WAS NEVER REALLY IN THE RACE AS HE DROPS OUT |
| LONG ISLAND SCHOOLS FIND SPYING ON FAT KIDS MUCH EASIER THAN ON FIT KIDS |
| CHICAGO OFFICIALS MAKING THE MOST OF LIMITED SPACE IN MORGUES |
| UCLA HOSPITAL NOT SURE HEATHER LOCKLEAR STILL A BIG ENOUGH STAR TO CONTINUE MEDICAL TREATMENT |
| RUSSELL BRAND ALLOWED BACK IN THE U.S. AFTER SPLIT FROM KATY PERRY |
| TONI BRAXTON WON’T DIE FROM LUPUS FLARE UP AS IF IT MATTERS REALLY |
| NATION WATCHES IN HORROR AS SNOW FALLS IN ALASKA |
| BEYONCE’S FIVE-STAR HOSPITAL ROOM DESTROYED BEFORE COMMON FOLK GOT A CHANCE TO TOUCH IT |
| KIEFER SUTHERLAND JUST REALLY LIKES TO DRINK |
| NORTH CAROLINA CHURCH RETRACTS CLAIMS THAT BEYONCE BABY IS SATAN ON EARTH |
| LINDSAY LOHAN DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE HAS TO PAY TAXES FROM YEARS AGO |
| FRANK DARABONT RETURNS TO TV FOR A LITTLE WHILE AT LEAST |
| GLENN BACK DEAD OR DYING OR SOMETHING AFTER BEING RUSHED OUT ON STRETCHER |
| POLICE HUNTING FOR FORMER GANGSTA RAPPER KID FROM KID ’N PLAY WITH ARREST WARRANT |
| SNOOP DOGG ARREST FOR MARIJUANA POSSESSION SHOCKS MUSIC INDUSTRY |
| KIRSTEN DUNST HAS RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST HER ‘STALKER’ EXTENDED |
| BEYONCE HAS HER FAKE BABY, SENDS OUT REAL ANNOUNCEMENTS, HAS REAL CRIB |
| PATRIOTS ASSISTANT COACH, WHO DOESN’T HAVE SEX WITH YOUNG BOYS, HIRED FOR PENN STATE VACANCY |
| NEW YAHOO CEO COULD MAKE MORE THAN THE COMPANY IN 2012 |
| SELENA GOMEZ WON’T BE KILLED BY STALKER THIS DAY AFTER RESTRAINING ORDER GRANTED |
| DREW BARRYMORE GETS ENGAGED TO SOME GUY SHE WILL EVENTUALLY LEAVE HEARTBROKEN |
| ANOTHER KENNEDY DARES DEATH TO TAKE HIM YOUNG BY TAKING A SHOT AT POLITICS |
| CASEY ANTHONY ADOPTS DOG SHE’LL KEEP UNTIL PARTY COMES ALONG |
| JEREMY RENNER ATTACKED IN THAI CLUB, NOT A GAY CLUB, A TOTALLY STRAIGHT THAI CLUB |
| CONRAD MURRAY WILL NOT PRACTICE MEDICINE IN PRISON AFTER HAVING LICENCE REVOKED |
| ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT EXPAND BROOD BY ADOPTING CALIFORNIA WATERFALL |
| BACHMANN SUSPENDS CAMPAIGN; MAY BE REPLACED WITH A ZIPLOC FULL OF DIRT |
| ARETHA FRANKLIN TO MARRY SLAVE BOY, STILL PURSUE HAN SOLO |
| PUNK’D RETURNS FOR SOME REASON KNOWN ONLY TO THE LORD ALMIGHTY |
| GINGRICH, EVERYONE ELSE, DOESN’T THINK HE CAN WIN IOWA |
| SAN FRANCISCO POLICE FIND MISSING MONKEY WASN’T STARTING AN APE REVOLUTION |
| THE LORD WORKS A MIRACLE FOR BRONCOS AFTER TEBOW FALTERS |
| SOPA MAY FORCE SHUTDOWN OF FACEBOOOK, AMAZON, AND GOOGLE |
| LEBRON TAKING HIS SKILLS TO THE ALTAR, AT LEAST FOR A LITTLE WHILE |
| L.A. ENDS NEW YEAR WITH A RASH OF ARSONS |
| GM BEGINS OFFERING BRAKE PADS AS STANDARD IN NEW CARS |
| CALIFORNIA TO CRACK DOWN ON APPLYING AND EATING MAKEUP WHILE DRIVING |
| DAMN, KATY PERRY AND RUSSELL BRAND NOT GETTING DIVORCED YET |
| RYAN BRAUN STILL INSISTING THAT MEDICATION FOR SMALL MUSCLES CAUSED POSITIVE DRUG TEST |
| KMART AND SEARS CLOSING STORES THAT WERE REMARKABLY STILL OPEN |
| SINEAD O’CONNOR ENDS MARRIAGE NO ONE KNEW OR CARED SHE HAD |
| STEVEN TYLER’S FAMILY NOT HAPPY THEY WILL HAVE TO SPLIT INHERITANCE WITH NEW WIFE |
| RACHEL UCHITEL MAY OR MAY NOT BE PREGNANT WITH A FAMOUS PERSON’S BABY |
| NICOLE BROWN’S NEPHEW MAKES O.J. PROUD WITH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ARREST |
| CARLOS MENCIA FINDING COMEDY HARD AT ANY WEIGHT |
| LEBRON AND THE HEAT GET REVENGE FOR LOSING CHAMPIONSHIP BY BEATING DALLAS IN FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON |
| ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER MAY BE BACK WITH MARIA |
| BRADLEY COOPER WILL VERY LIKELY DIE IN A CAR CRASH VERY SOON |
| BLOOD CLINICS PLEADING FOR CANINE DONORS FOR DANGEROUS HOLIDAY SEASON |
| MC HAMMER MAKES NO PROMISES ABOUT NOT HURTING THE IRS IN TAX DISPUTE |
| KOBE BRYANT HOPING TO RECONCILE WITH WIFE BY PROMISING NO MORE RAPE |
| CHRISTMAS TIME MACHINES SPARK VIOLENCE OVER NEW AIR JORDANS |
| GEORGE MICHAEL UNLIKELY TO DIE RIGHT NOW AFTER BEING RELEASED FROM HOSPITAL |
| PHEW, ADAM LAMBERT IS BACK WITH HIS BOYFRIEND |
| KRIS HUMPHRIES GETS WORK OUTSIDE OF HAVING SEX WITH KIM KARDASHIAN |
| DRIVER HOSPITALIZED AFTER SLAMMING CAR INTO BRIGITTE NIELSON |
| MATT DAMON RIPS THE PRESIDENT BUT STILL WON’T TRY RUNNING THE COUNTRY HIMSELF |
| OBAMA MAY JUST RUN THE COUNTRY FROM HAWAII GOING FORWARD |
| NEW BATMAN TRAILER LEAVES VIEWERS BREATHLESS WITH ANTICIPATION |
| GERARD BUTLER SAVED FROM THE ICY GRIP OF DEATH FOR SOME REASON |
| AMISH MAFIA CLAIMS ANOTHER YOUNG VICTIM IN OHIO |
| OBAMA TO ALLOW WOMEN TO VOTE IN UPCOMING ELECTION |
| JAMES FRANCO GETTING PROFESSORS FIRED OVER BAD GRADES |
| RYAN BRAUN CLAIMS MEDICINE FOR SMALL MUSCLES CAUSED POSITIVE STEROID DRUG TEST |
| LINDSAY LOHAN PLAYBOY SALES ON FIRE DESPITE BEING ABLE TO GET THE REAL THING CHEAPER |
| BRITTANY MURPHY MAY HAVE BEEN KILLED BY HAUNTED HOUSE |
| DON KING LIKELY HIJACKED HIS OWN TRUCK FULL OF TURKEYS FOR THE NEEDY |
| CANADIANS BEING FORCED TO WORK WELL INTO OLD AGE |
| MTV NAMES GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THEY SAY |
| BOBBY BROWN STARTING NEW DANCE CRAZE FOR FAT GUYS |
| ALI LOHAN PIONEERING NEW TREATMENT WHICH WILL ALLOW HER TO LIVE WITHOUT FOOD OF ANY SORT |
| KATY PERRY MAY BE PREGNANT OR NOT WHICH MAY BE A BAD THING OR NOT |
| PHOTO OF CASKET AT AIR FORCE BASE PROMPTS INVESTIGATION OVER SOLDIERS AT RISK |
| HOWARD STERN WILL PROBABLY HAVE TO MAKE FUN OF HIMSELF AFTER JOINING AMERICA’S GOT TALENT |
| GOLDEN GLOBE NOMINATIONS JUST AS BORING AS THE SHOW WILL LIKELY BE |
| LINDSAY LOHAN DOESN’T NOT GO BACK TO JAIL THIS TIME OR SOMETHING |
| UTAH WALMART SUCCESFULLY KILLS THOUSANDS OF BIRDS |
| TOM SIZEMORE REALLY HIGH ON NEW MEMOIR ABOUT HIS STRUGGLE WITH DRUGS |
| MEN STILL DON’T REALLY LOVE JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT |
| LAMAR ODOM WILL HAVE TO GET SPECIAL ANIMAL HANDLING PERMIT FOR WIFE AFTER TRADE |
| BROOKE MUELLER ON DRUG-FUELLED GUN BUYING SPREE IN L.A. |
| PIECE OF JUNK MOVIES DRAW FEW IDIOTS AND BORED PEOPLE TO THEATRES |
| LINDSAY LOHAN CONVENIENTLY HAS HER PURSE STOLEN WHILE PARTYING IN HAWAII |
| OBAMA LOOKING TO CREATE WEATHER CONTROL DEVICE FOR THE NATION |
| AWWW, KIRSTEN DUNST IS STALKING HERSELF AGAIN |
| NELLY REFUSES TO PLAY FOR TROOPS, TROOPS REFUSE TO CARE |
| LINDSAY LOHAN’S PLAYBOY PICTORIAL MAKES A MESS AFTER LEAKING EVERYWHERE |
| UMA THURMAN EARNS ENOUGH CREDITS TO GET ANOTHER CHANCE AT BEING FAMOUS |
| KHLOE KARDASHIAN TRYING TO FIND SASQUATCH SPERM IN EFFORT TO HAVE BABY |
| MYTHBUSTERS LAY WASTE TO NEIGHBOURHOOD AFTER SUCCESFULLY BREACHING WALLS |
| JERRY SANDUSKY GOES FOR LONG, HOT SHOWER AFTER BEING RELEASED ON BAIL |
| JESSE JAMES CAN BARELY EVEN REMEMBER THAT ACTRESS HE MARRIED |
| MYTHBUSTERS PROVE THAT CANNONBALLS WILL RIP THROUGH THE HOMES OF UNSUSPECTING PEOPLE |
| BRITNEY SPEARS FIRED BUT DID NOT EAT HER PERSONAL TRAINER |
| DENIED FOOD STAMPS, WOMAN KILLS SELF THEN SHOOTS CHILDREN IN TEXAS |
| JOHNNY DEPP REFUSING TO SPEAK TO POLICE ABOUT HIS HATRED FOR THE DISABLED |
| NFL AND AARP TEAM TO HAVE MADONNA PERFORM AT SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW |
| AMANDA KNOX TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT THAT NIGHT SHE DIDN’T MURDER THAT BRITISH GIRL |
| NDAMUKONG SUH STOMPS TREE INTO SUBMISSION WITH HIS CAR |
| STILL NO TWILIGHT FANS DEAD FROM SEIZURES AT LATEST FILM |
| KENTUCKY BANS INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE, SHORT SKIRTS, AND THAT DAMN ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC |
| SELENA GOMEZ MAY SOON HAVE ANOTHER BROTHER OR SISTER TO PLAY WITH JUSTIN |
| BRITNEY SPEARS MAKES IT TO THIRTY YEARS OLD |
| KHLOE KARDASHIAN MAY GET NEW FACE TO, WELL, FOR OBVIOUS REASONS |
| ELVIS COSTELLO GETTING WHAT HE WANTS AFTER TELLING PEOPLE NOT TO BUY HIS MUSIC |
| MINDY MCCREADY STEALING CHILDREN TO FINALLY HAVE A FAMILY OF HER OWN |
| COCA-COLA POISON DRINK KILLS ONE IN CHINA |
| YET ANOTHER KARDASHIAN TO BE UNLEASHED ON THE WORLD |
| GEORGE MICHAEL NOT NEAR DEATH YET IN HOSPITAL |
| NDAMUKONG SUH SUSPENDED 2 GAMES BUT WILL BE BACK FOR PLAYOFF ARM STOMPS |
| NO ONE REALLY CARES THAT LINDSEY VONN IS GETTING DIVORCED |
| TLC SINGER BANKRUPT AGAIN BUT STILL REFUSES TO WORK |
| GM OFFERING REPLACEMENT VEHICLES FOR OWNERS OF EXPLODING VOLTS |
| DEATH ROW INMATE CHALLENGES GOVERNOR’S MANHOOD AFTER BEING ISSUED REPRIEVE |
| WYCLEF JEAN STILL DRAWING SALARY FROM HAITIAN PEOPLE |
| MICHAEL LOHAN PUTS HIS HEART INTO NEW SURGERY |
| UTAH MAN RESCUED FROM WORLD’S SLOWEST QUICKSAND |
| AMANDA KNOX THANKFUL SHE ISN’T IN PRISON FOR KILLING THAT BRITISH GIRL |
| BRITNEY SPEARS MOST FOLLOWED ON GOOGLE PLUS 90’S EDITION |
| GABRIELLE GIFFORDS FINDS NEW WORK GIVING OUT TURKEY MEALS |
| TWILIGHT BIRTH SCENE TRIGGERS SEIZURES BUT NO DEATHS, YET |
| GEORGE MICHAEL POSTPONES CONCERTS DISAPPOINTING DOZENS |
| FAILED RUSSIAN PROBE MAY LAND, MAY NOT, COULD BE ANYWHERE |
| BIEBER FAN JUDGE REFUSES RESTRAINING ORDER ON SELENA GOMEZ STALKER |
| JUSTIN BIEBER TAKES DNA TEST LIKE A MAN |
| ROBERT WAGNER MAKING A KILLING OFF NEW TV ROLE |
| KENYAN RUNNER A LITTLE SLOWER AFTER LOSING FEET TO FROSTBITE |
| ASHTON KUTCHER SLEEPS WITH CAR DEALER IN LAST-DITCH EFFORT TO SAVE MARRIAGE |
| LADY GAGA WILL ONLY PEE INTO DESIGNER GARABAGE CANS |
| ROBIN GIBB HAS A LITTLE MORE THAN DISCO FEVER THIS TIME |
| MEL GIBSON TESTS NEWEST GIRLFRIEND’S JAW AND FIND IT TO HIS LIKING |
| HEATHER LOCKLEAR AND JACK WAGNER CANCEL WEDDING BECAUSE OF LACK OF GUESTS |
| CHARGED WITH MURDER, JAVARIS CRITTENDON NOW LOSES HIS JACKET |
| JANUARY JONES REFUSES TO LET HER BABY WITHIN TEN FEET |
| SOMEONE CARES ENOUGH ABOUT CHRIS BROWN SEX TAPE TO REPORT ON IT |
| ALL WATER IN EUROPE DECLARED UNHEALTHY TO DRINK |
| GEORGE H.W. BUSH SUFFERING CHRONIC PLUMBING PROBLEMS |
| SELENA GOMEZ’ STALKER FREE TO STALK AND STALK SOME MORE |
| MILEY CYRUS DEFENDS HER MANY TRIPS TO KRISPY KREME |
| BIEBER BABY MAMA DROPS SUIT BUT STILL WANTS JUSTIN TO SEE HIS CHILD |
| PATTI LABELLE JUST DOESN’T LIKE TODDLERS GETTING IN HER WAY |
| NBA MAY JUST CANCEL LEAGUE FOREVER IF SETTLEMENT CAN’T BE REACHED |
| TSA OFFICIALS TO OPEN KID’S CHRISTMAS PRESENTS |
| JESSE JAMES ONLY CHEATED ON KAT VON D WITH 19 WOMEN |
| BERLUSCONI LIKELY TO RELY ON HIS BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN RETIREMENT |
| COURT ADVOCATES BAN ON AMERICAN FLAG T-SHIRTS |
| SANDUSKY STARTING UP NEW SPORTS TEAMS FOR HIGH SCHOOLERS |
| LIMITED EDITION JAY-Z OCCUPY WALL STREET T-SHIRTS ALREADY SOLD OUT |
| IOWA COMBING THE HIGH SCHOOLS FOR MAYORS |
| L.A. SCHOOL DENIES HAVING CHILDREN READ TO PORN STARS |
| ASHTON KUTCHER JUST CAN’T THINK FOR HIMSELF ANYMORE |
| NICOLAS CAGE SPENDS FINAL TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS ON REALLY COOL KNIFE |
| FAMILY CIRCUS CREATOR BIL KEANE WASN’T ALREADY DEAD BUT IS NOW |
| MOST JURORS IN CONRAD MURRAY TRIAL DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING |
| INVESTIGATORS TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO WASN’T ASSAULTED BY HERMAN CAIN |
| MICHELLE DUGGAR'S UTERUS STILL GETTING A WORKOUT |
| LINDSAY LOHAN SCARED STRAIGHT AFTER FOUR HOUR JAIL STINT |
| AVRIL LAVIGNE ONLY SLIGHTLY INJURED IN BAR FIGHT |
| MEL GIBSON FINDS NEW LOVE WITH AN IRON JAW |
| JESSE VENTURA TO LEAVE AMERICA AND START WRESTLING LEAGUE IN MEXICO |
| ANDY ROONEY COMPLAINED ABOUT HIS HOSPITAL ROOM UP UNTIL HIS DEATH |
| GIANT ASTEROID PROBABLY WON’T HIT EARTH IN NEXT FEW DAYS |
| CHAZ BONO MAY HAVE MANY MORE YEARS TO LIVE AFTER ALL |
| DREW BARRYMORE STILL BEING PAID TO MAKE MOVIES |
| KIM KARDASHIAN SO DISTRAUGHT OVER DIVORCE OFFERS SHE CAN’T WORK |
| JERRY SEINFELD FINALLY GETS NEW WORK, AS TALK SHOW CO-HOST |
| DEGAS STATUE FINDS NO BUYERS, ARTIST IN FINANCIAL TROUBLE |
| FRANK MCCOURT SELLING THE DODGERS TO HIS PRETEND FRIEND |
| STUDY SHOWS SIBERIANS LESS EVOLVED THAN THE REST OF US |
| POLISH PLANE DOES NOT NEED LANDING GEAR TO LAND |
| KIM KARDASHIAN SIGNS MASSIVE DEAL FOR DIVORCE |
| CHAZ BONO READY TO RETURN TO THE TRAILER PARK AFTER DWTS OUSTER |
| QANTAS EMPLOYEES HOPPING MAD AFTER COURT ENDS STRIKE |
| TRICK OR TREATERS TO BOYCOTT WHITE HOUSE WITH WORD OF FRUIT BEING HANDED OUT |
| TEXAS RANGERS DIDN’T REALLY WANT TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES ANYWAYS |
| STEVEN SPIELBERG HAS NO INTEREST IN WATCHING HIS MOVIES EITHER |
| MOUNTAIN LIONS TAKING OVER WASHINGTON |
| USHER FAILS TO UPDATE HIS HANDICAPPED PARKING PASS |
| LINDSAY LOHAN POSES FOR PLAYBOY, BUT ONLY FOR THE MONEY, SERIOUSLY |
| STEVEN TYLER PROTECTED BY HIS LIPS DURING FALL |
| LOUIS FARRAKHAN STILL ALIVE AND CONDEMNING KILLING OF GADDAFI |
| CHAZ BONO ELIMINATED FROM DANCING WITH THE STARS; SPENDS NIGHT AT DENNY’S |
| MICHAEL MOORE EXPRESSES HIS MASSIVE BROKEN HEART OVER OBAMA AND GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES |
| TEEN GANGS SWARM PEORIA, CALL PEOPLE BAD NAMES, LITTER |
| JENNIFER LOPEZ BREAKS STAGE DURING EMOTIONAL CONCERT |
| HAMMER PROBABLY WON’T HURT GOOGLE WITH NEW SEARCH ENGINE |
| THE BLACK EYED PEAS STILL NOT BREAKING UP |
| GADDAFI STILL RESTING COMFORTABLY IN INDUSTRIAL MEAT LOCKER |
| FROZEN ARMADILLO STANDS IN TOUGH AFTER WOMAN IS BEATEN TO DEATH |
| DOOMED GERMAN SATELLITE COULD HIT ANYWHERE, ANYTIME |
| PARIS JACKSON GETS VIP PUNCH IN THE FACE DURING CHRIS BROWN SHOW |
| LINDSAY LOHAN SHOCKED TO SEE DEAD PEOPLE WHILE WORKING AT MORGUE |
| SHIA LABEOUF GOES GANGSTER WITH KNIFE THREATS |
| NEW BATMAN MOVIE TO USE CHEAP PROTESTOR LABOUR |
| KRISTEN STEWART NOT KILLED AND WILL CONTINUE TO ACT AFTER ON-SET ACCIDENT |
| STUDIO 54 REOPENS FOR ONE NIGHT WITH STARS PARTYING DOWN WITH METAMUCIL |
| UB40 STARS ARE BANKRUPT AND ACTUALLY STILL ALIVE |
| DALLAS COWBOYS DENY MAKING CLOTHES IN SWEATSHOP AND INSIST THEY ARE PLAYING FOOTBALL |
| TROUBLE AND MAYHEM ERUPTS AT HELLS ANGELS FUNERAL, OF ALL PLACES |
| BOSTON HOSPITAL GIVES PATIENT A HAND, WELL TWO ACTUALLY |
| DENMARK SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERY OTHER COUNTRY |
| FRED DURST TO STAR IN NEW SITCOM FOR THE NOOKIE |
| LINDSAY LOHAN GOES A LITTLE CRAZY AFTER BLOWING OFF PSYCHIATRIST APPOINTMENT |
| DETROIT HOLDS JOB FAIR FOR EX-CONS, WHOLE CITY ATTENDS |
| CHRIS TUCKER LOSES HOUSE, STILL REFUSES TO GET A JOB |
| STUTTERERS NO LONGER WELCOME IN NATION’S CLASSROOMS |
| AIR CANADA TO GO ON STRIKE WITH THEIR EYES AFTER GOVERNMENT BAN |
| SCARLETT JOHANSSON’S HACKER FREE TO HACK AND HACK AGAIN |
| KELLY CLARKSON FEELS, LOOKS 45 |
| DOZENS AFFECTED BY BLACKBERRY OUTAGE |
| BEYONCE AND JAY-Z HAVING A FAKE BABY AFTER ALL |
| HANK WILLIAMS JR. STILL TALKING ABOUT STUFF NO ONE REALLY CARES ABOUT |
| WALMART RECONSIDERING BLEACH FIGHTS AFTER DOZENS END UP IN HOSPITAL |
| CHICAGO MAN FALLS DEADLY SHORT OF FINISH LINE AT MARATHON |
| PAUL MCCARTNEY WEALTHY TWO-LEGGED WOMAN |
| AMISH GANG ATTACKS ON THE RISE AGAIN IN PENNSYLVANIA |
| CONRAD MURRAY HELPING OUT JACKSON KIDS BEFORE BIG TRIBUTE SHOW |
| ZOMBIES MAKING PROGRESS IN CUTTING NATIONAL DEFICIT |
| MICHAEL JACKSON HEARD SPEAKING TWO YEARS AFTER HIS DEATH |
| AXL ROSE PUTS ON ENOUGH WEIGHT TO BECOME THE WHOLE BAND |
| MISSILE DEFENCE SYSTEM SUCCESSFULLY DEFENDS HAWAII AGAINST ANOTHER ATTACK |
| LEONARD NIMOY RETIRES FROM STAR TREK CONVENTIONS YEARS AFTER HE WAS ASSUMED DEAD |
| AVRIL LAVIGNE PLAYS TO NEARLY HER ENTIRE FAMILY IN VANCOUVER |
| THE SIMPSONS STILL AIRING, MAY BE CANCELLED FOR REAL THIS TIME |
| LEANN RIMES HAVING TROUBLE PAYING FOR FENCE SMASHED BY DRUNK DRIVER |
| RIHANNA STARTS NEW TROUBLES IN NORTHERN IRELAND |
| SIEGFRIED AND ROY NOW EATING THEIR WHITE TIGERS |
| INVESTIGATORS STUDYING FLORIDA HONEY BEE MASSACRE |
| EDWARD FURLONG JUST CAN’T GET A JOB AND DOESN’T REALLY WANT ONE |
| RUSSELL BRAND BANNED FROM YET ANOTHER COUNTRY |
| THE X FACTOR CAUSING MENTAL PROBLEMS AMONGST CONTESTANTS, VIEWERS |
| NYPD TELLS SKIRTS, DAMES, AND BROADS TO STAY OFF THE STREETS |
| THE HOUSING MARKET LAYS A SMACKDOWN ON HULK HOGAN |
| MIKE MYERS GIVES BIRTH TO FIRST CHILD |
| EAZY-E’S SON WANTS TO PLAY HIS DAD IN BIOPIC, WITHOUT AIDS |
| BRITISH SWIMMER ATTACKED BY SHARK IGNORED WARNING SIGNS LIKE A GIANT SHARK |
| STUDY SHOWS 70 PERCENT OF WIMPS BULLIED AT WORK |
| THE INCREDIBLE HULK SAYS MICHAEL JACKSON WAS FINE BEFORE DEATH |
| CHRIS BROWN WON’T BEAT UP GIRLFRIEND WHILE SHE’S PREGNANT |
| THE MOST FAMOUS PRINCESS IN THE WORLD SURPRISINGLY STEALS SHOW AT WEDDING |
| SHARON STONE CALLS 911 AFTER INTRUDING IN HER OWN HOME |
| PARIS HILTON SHOWERS INDIA WITH HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS |
| CHRIS CHRISTIE RECONSIDERS PRESIDENTIAL BID, ONE MORE HOT DOG |
| CONRAD MURRAY SAYS HE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH CHOOSING HIS JURY |
| HOMOPHOBIC BRISTOL PALIN DEFENDS HER MOM |
| NASA SATELLITE GOES INTO HIDING AFTER LANDING ON EARTH |
| IF U.N. BID FAILS PALESTINIANS MAY TURN TO X FACTOR FOR STATEHOOD |
| JOE PESCI TO SUE HIMSELF AFTER BREAKING AGREEMENT TO STAR IN MOVIE HE WAS NEVER IN |
| HALLE BERRY’S FACE UNHARMED AFTER SHE BREAKS FOOT IN SPAIN |
| GUNS N’ ROSES TO TOUR THE EMPTIEST STADIUMS IN THE UNITED STATES |
| RUSSIAN ROAD SAFETY CAMPAIGN CLAIMS FIRST VICTIMS |
| PHILADELPHIA POLICE SPIT ON AFTER COMPLAINING ABOUT FILTHY STATIONS |
| SCARLETT JOHANSSON MANAGES TO KEEP HER CLOTHES ON DURING NYC SHOPPING TRIP |
| THOUSANDS GATHER TO CHEER MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD IN NEW YORK |
| FLOYD MAYWEATHER READY TO FIGHT 80-YEAR OLD ANYTIME, ANYWHERE |
| JAGUAR DEALER STEALS JOHN TRAVOLTA’S MERCEDES WHILE HE SHOPS AT DEALERSHIP |
| GREEK MAN STILL DOESN’T GET LOAN DEAL AFTER SETTING HIMSELF ON FIRE |
| MARC ANTHONY CRIES LIKE A LITTLE GIRL AFTER MARRIAGE SPLIT |
| TAREQ SALAHI LOSES WIFE AND CONCERT PRIVILEGES TO JOURNEY GUITARIST |
| TERRELL OWENS BUSTED FOR TRYING TO TAKE OVER CARPOOL LANE |
| MATTHEW FOX GETS OFF LIGHT FOR BEATING UP WOMAN, MAY DO IT AGAIN |
| NASA DISCOVERS TATOOINE, LIGHTSABERS, REALLY LARGE SPACE STATION |
| 8-YEAR OLD GIRL HAS NO REGRETS FOR BEATING UP VICE-PRINCIPAL |
| NIGERIANS BEING WIPED OUT BY KILLER PHONE NUMBER |
| EXORCIST DIRECTOR SLAMS COMIC BOOK MOVIES, 1980’S, 1990’S, 2000’S |
| JUSTIN BIEBER WEARING WOMEN’S PANTS IN CLEAREST SIGN YET |
| WHITE CASTLE SUED FOR TRYING TO KEEP RESTAURANTS HEALTHY |
| 9/11 MEMORIAL SPELLCHECK SYSTEM FALLS FLAT |
| NASA ‘TRYING’ TO AVOID HITTING PEOPLE WITH FALLING SATELLITE |
| GOOD MORNING AMERICA MAY INTRODUCE HEIGHT RESTRICTIONS |
| TALIBAN CELEBRATES 9/11 BY BLOWING UP A BUNCH OF U.S. SOLDIERS |
| RUDY GIULIANI PAYS TRIBUTE TO FALLEN AND 2012 CAMPAIGN RACE |
| MISS UNIVERSE MAKES UNDERWEAR A REQUIREMENT FOR PAGEANT |
| LEONARDO DICAPRIO-LED JEWEL HEIST THWARTED AT THE LAST MINUTE |
| 65,000 PHONE CALLS TO EX-BOYFRIEND NOW CONSTITUTES STALKING IN HOLLAND |
| SWEDISH POLICE TO CRACK DOWN AFTER HAULING IN ANOTHER DRUNK ELK |
| REESE WITHERSPOON NARROWLY AVOIDS CAREER UNAFFECTING INJURY |
| L.A. SHOPPERS FORCED TO CARRY GROCERIES BY HAND |
| CONRAD BLACK EAGER TO RETURN TO MIAMI PRISON |
| AMISH GANG SOUGHT IN SERIES OF ATTACKS AT HORSE AUCTION |
| WINNIPEG JETS JERSEY SALES FLAT IN ATLANTA |
| AL JAZEERA LOSES BROADCAST RIGHTS TO TEXAS FOOTBALL GAMES |
| GERMANY IN TALKS TO TAKE OVER ENGLAND AGAIN |
| POSSIBLE TERRORIST MOUSE GROUNDS NEPALESE FLIGHT |
| EDDIE MURPHY MAY HOST THE OSCARS IN FAT SUIT |
| JOHN CLEESE DECLARES THE LONDON IS NO LONGER IN ENGLAND |
| FDA TO REQUIRE BREAST IMPLANT PATIENTS TO REGISTER WITH GOVERNMENT |
| MEXICAN POLICE HUNTING AMERICANS ACROSS THE BORDER |
| STUDY SHOWS HEALTH PROBLEMS FOR WORLD TRADE CENTER WORKERS |
| NASCAR DRIVERS DECLINE WHITE HOUSE INVITE CITING REQUIREMENT TO WALK |
| CHRIS BROWN WANTS TO THANK FAN WHO RETURNED ROLEX WITH PUNCH IN THE FACE |
| OBAMA SPEECH MAY CANCEL OUT NFL SEASON |
| DANCE FLOOR TO BE REINFORCED AFTER CHAZ BONO JOINS DANCING WITH THE STARS |
| BIDEN MAY TAKE SHOW TO VEGAS IF 2012 DOESN’T WORK OUT |
| OBAMA REFUSES TO BAIL OUT DRUNK UNCLE |
| GADDAFI DAUGHTER RISES FROM THE DEAD |
| PALESTINIAN WHO INJURED EIGHT IN ISRAEL INSISTS IT WAS AN ACCIDENT |
| BIRD FLU TO MAKE A TRIUMPHANT RETURN THIS FALL |
| HUGO CHAVEZ LIKED CANCER TREATMENT SO MUCH HE’S GOING BACK FOR A SECOND ROUND |
| DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE CRACKS DOWN ON GUITAR MANUFACTURERS |
| COWARDS FLEE NEW YORK AFTER MAYOR ORDERS EVACUATION |
| MICHIGAN CITY CRACKING DOWN ON PEOPLE HARBOURING ILLEGAL MOSQUITOS |
| GAMBLERS HAVE TERRIBLE LUCK AFTER ATTACK ON CASINO KILLS 53 |
| POLICE BUST 12-YEAR OLD’S ILLEGAL GREEN TEA STAND |
| WARREN BUFFET MAY JUST END UP BUYING AMERICA AFTER ALL |
| JAZZY JEFF THROWN OUT OF HOUSE AMIDST WILL SMITH MARRIAGE ISSUES |
| RICK PERRY PRETTY MUCH A LOCK FOR PRESIDENT IN LATEST POLL |
| NEW DIAMOND-LACED DOG FOOD THE LATEST TREND AMONGST WEALTHY PET OWNERS |
| CHICAGO RECONSIDERING PLANS TO EXECUTE PREGNANT TEENS FOLLOWING OUTRAGE |
| SPACE STATION ANDROID COMES ONLINE AND DOESN’T KILL ANYONE YET |
| SWEDISH ROYAL COUPLE TURNED AWAY FROM RESTAURANT WHICH DIDN’T KNOW SWEDEN HAD ROYAL COUPLE |
| AIR FORCE LAUNCHES ATTACK ON LAS VEGAS GUN STORE |
| RAIN STORM PELTS THE POPE AND HE REFUSE TO TAKE THE HINT |
| THOUSANDS LINE UP FOR OBAMA’S JOB IN ATLANTA |
| DRIVING TEACHERS OFFER DRUNKEN DRIVING LESSONS TO STUDENTS |
| BIDEN CALLS DEBT HELD BY CHINA A JOKE |
| MEDIA OFFICIALLY IGNORING RON PAUL |
| THE BURGER KING THROWN OFF HIS THRONE |
| GERARD DEPARDIEU URINATES ON HOTEL STAFF, WAITERS AFTER FLIGHT |
| RUSSIA LOSES COMMUNICATION SATELLITE, IRAN GAINS COMMUNICATION SATELLITE |
| THE SITUATION BANNED FROM WEARING CLOTHES |
| CATS ABANDONING COLORADO TOWN IN WAKE OF ECONOMIC TURMOIL |
| MAN OCCUPYING RADIO TOWER TO PROTEST PLANS TO CUT IT DOWN |
| ZSA ZSA GABOR TO START A FAMILY AT 94-YEARS OLD |
| CRIME INCREASE IN SOMALIA MAY HAVE PROMPTED FOOD THEFTS |
| NOW BERNIE MADOFF GETTING DIVORCED ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE |
| HONDA SENDS SLAVE ROBOTS INTO CRIPPLED NUKE PLANT |
| BROOKE HOGAN DENIES SHE IS DATING HER FATHER |
| PALIN TAKES TOP PRIZE AT THE IOWA STATE FAIR |
| OBAMA COMPARES HIMSELF TO MARTIN LUTHER KING, AT LEAST THE EARLY YEARS |
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