SPAM SALES UP; CANNIBALISM AVOIDED FOR NOW
November 15 2008
Austin, MN – With the economy continuing to slide, Americans are turning more and more to affordable alternatives for everyday items. While demand for luxury items like televisions and video games continue to slide, food consumption has remained stable and discount food manufacturers are reaping the benefit, at least for now. 
“The good news is people are continuing to eat. And they choose to eat food, or at least something that resembles it like SPAM,” said Scrape TV business analyst Ken Green. “The good news is that people haven’t resorted to eating either inedible things or their fellow man. That shows that even though we are in tough economically the basic rules of society have not completely collapsed. Judging by the emptiness of most malls some may think the apocalypse is upon us, but we aren’t quite there yet.”
While retail and food sales have been down across the board, discounters like Wal-Mart and SPAM manufacturer Hormel Foods have been enjoying a boom time. Workers are putting in overtime and stocks are beginning to soar high above competitors that are struggling to make ends meet.
“The heartening thing is that people are not ignoring the basics of survival. They are realizing that a designer watch or a Playstation 3 are not as important as feeding their children,” continued Green. “We just have to hope that things don’t decline to the point where people aren’t even able to afford SPAM. We may have a doomsday scenario on our hands if that were to happen.”
Sales of other inexpensive foods such as rice and Jell-O are also on the rise, contributing to the surge in business for a few companies, but leaving other and their employees struggling.
“We may have a self perpetuating type of situation here. As people continue to buy lower cost merchandise from specific groups more and more businesses will go under, putting more and more people out of work, which will increase demand for those discount goods, and it just goes on,” said Scrape TV Apocalypse analyst Seth Morris. “Those companies will have trouble keeping with that demand and won’t be able to hire enough people to keep the economy fluid. Things like constructing new buildings will fall by the wayside because construction costs are too high. We may very shortly start to see food riots, and that is the beginning of the end.”
While many economists are bearish on the possibility of total economic collapse leading to global apocalypse, some are warning that such scenarios are possible on smaller scales and that government agencies need to take action.
“In areas already suffering high un-employment and significant degrees of poverty the decline could be very quick. Those are the people hardest hit,” continued Morris. “The danger there is the rioting and looting may break out into the rest of the citizenship which could lead to major disruptions and possibly chaos in the streets. Governments across the world need to be proactive in those situations and either provide help to those people, or take action to isolate those areas to prevent the spread of psychosis and mania. I’d recommend massive firebombing in order to reduce the amount of manpower used.”
Of course should the economy worsen people need to be prepared for the worse. Experts suggest stocking up on essentials and weapons and to thoroughly cook any human meat consumed.
“There are a lot of toxins in human meat so you have to make sure that the meat is cooked to at least 160 degrees Fahrenheit, or about 71 degree Celsius,” continued Morris. The bulk of the meat is in the thighs, unless you are in the US and in that case it will be the abdomen area. Recommend using salt and other spices to flavour. If you happen to have any leftover SPAM try mixing that in too, should give a nice zing.”
William Ashford, Business Correspondent
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