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NEWS > ENTERTAINMENT > NICKELBACK CONTINUES SALES SUCCESS DESPITE LACK OF FANS

NICKELBACK CONTINUES SALES SUCCESS DESPITE LACK OF FANS

December 21 2008

Calgary, Canada – Borne from the mighty oilfields of Alberta, Nickelback has been a remarkable success story for all kinds of reasons. With chart topping hits, album sales in the multiple millions, and worldwide tours, the small town Canadian band has been one of the most prominent musical acts across the globe over the last decade despite not having any fans that anyone can determine.

“Nickelback is without a doubt one of the most prominent musical acts ever to come out of Canada. On par with Alanis Morrissette, Celine Dion, Shania Twain, and even Neil Young as some of the few acts able to break out of the country and have success globally,” said Scrape TV Entertainment analyst Tracey Temple. “What makes that success all the more remarkable is the fact that they have had that success without apparently no fans to speak of. You don’t see people walking around with Nickelback t-shirts or doing anything to actually proclaim they’re fandom. For a band with this much success one would think you’d be able to find fans easily, but apparently not.”

A thorough study by Scrape TV news was unable to determine any people actually willing to declare their affection for the band, nor anyone admitting to having even a passing affection for a single song.

“The type of catchy pop music that Nickelback produces is exactly the type of thing that people will sing in the shower or turn up really loud when on the highway, but is so unremarkable that it’s almost embarrassing to admit to liking it,” continued Temple. “Of course I want to be totally clear that I am not a fan. I’ll admit to a minute or two of liking ‘How you remind me’ but that quickly went away when I realized who I was listening to. This type of thing isn’t a totally unheard of phenomenon but rarely have musicians had so much success with virtually no one accepting responsibility for purchasing their records.”

Other cases cited are Paris Hilton and fellow Canadian Celine Dion, who has achieved international success despite no one under the age of fifty admitting to being a fan.

“Dion is the best example. When the Titanic song hit everyone was into it but after they realized that it was a soppy love ballad that vanished from your head almost as soon as it was done, they quickly abandoned the tune,” continued Temple. “No doubt there were a lot of singles at garage sales circa summer 1998. Of course Dion does have fans just ones of a certain age. It’s a lot more suspect with Nickelback.”

Speculation has run the gamut from the record label somehow gaming the system, to a some type of aberration in brain activity that causes people to forget about their purchases.

“Embarrassment has a powerful effect on the human brain and is a lot more influential than many people think,” said Scrape TV Psychology analyst Dr. Sarah Welp. “Severe cases can result in very bizarre behaviour and amnesia is not unheard of. Simply put, the brain stows away painful memories in order to reduce pain. Much like the pain over a death fades with time the brain seeks to help the patient. After all people need to move on with their life in the case of death, or poor musical choice. Of course those memories can be triggered with the right stimulus. In the case of death a picture or a smell can bring that pain back full force. In the case of Nickelback, well we are in a kind of Catch-22 situation there. Because there are so many people affected the album sales continue to grow, which results in singles on the radio, which can trigger the memory and even inspire new sales. It’s a very difficult situation for affected persons to deal with.”

For the record, medical professionals have not diagnosed Nickelbackisia as a disease, meaning the likelihood of the band continuing to have success is high.

“Ultimately people need to take responsibility for their lives and their actions,” continued Welp. “One cannot simply go through life blaming others for their issues. There has to come a time when one steps up and does what is right. Until that happens, I’m afraid we will be stuck with Nickelback songs for a long time to come.”   

Samantha Dryden, Entertainment Correspondent

NEWS > ENTERTAINMENT > NICKELBACK CONTINUES SALES SUCCESS DESPITE LACK OF FANS

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