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NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > INDONESIAN EARTHQUAKE KILLS MOSTLY JERKS
INDONESIAN EARTHQUAKE KILLS MOSTLY JERKS
October 1 2009
Medan, Indonesia – With the death toll breaking 1000, the Indonesian island of Sumatra is struggling to deal with one of the worst earthquakes in the history of the country. Aid workers and emergency personnel have been stretched to the limit trying
to care for survivors and rescue those who may still be alive under the rubble that has destroyed cities across the island. The 7.6 magnitude quake shook the entire island, collapsing hospitals, schools, and homes. With hope fading, workers continue to press on in the hopes of finding even more survivors.
Of course even in tragedy the news isn’t always bleak. According to eyewitness reports and firsthand accounts from friends and families of the deceased the majority of those who perished were jerks and likely got what they deserved. Amongst those confirmed to have perished a number of people who refused to pay back loans and at least one man who had cut down a neighbour’s tree while the owner was on vacation. Because of the huge death toll officials believe that at least a few good people may indeed have perished in the quake but it’s believed the vast majority were not very well liked.
“Indonesia is an extraordinary country who has known extraordinary hardships from natural disasters. I know that the Indonesian people are strong and resilient and have 
the heart to overcome this challenge. Obviously there are many hundreds of injured people as well, and again these numbers, I fear, will rise as more information becomes available,” said John Holmes, UN Under-Secretary General for Humanitarian Affairs. “The early reports indicate that many of those who have survived are very well liked. We believe that the majority of the people who died did so because they refused to leave their homes even as the quake was hitting. This is a result of them being obstinate and argumentative and fundamentally benefits the community as a whole. Unfortunately, because of their nature many of them forced their families to stay in the homes as well causing them to perish. Overall though once recovery is complete we believe the community will be better off.”
Also among the dead are two local drunks and a man who consistently yelled at children when they stepped on his property. Emergency officials are hoping they find few survivors amongst the rubble and that those they do find will be pleasant.
“My neighbour from two doors down was one of the worst people I have ever met. He’d play music late at night and these walls are super thin so the sound carries. He’d bring home young women all the time and make out with them in front of our children. It was really just rude and I’m glad he’s buried under all this rubble,” said one local woman, a sentiment echoed across the community.
“The man across the street wasn’t really a bad person but he never spoke to anyone. He left all kinds of tools and junk lying around and wouldn’t clean them up no matter how nicely you asked. Guess he won’t be doing that anymore,” said Setiawan Bambang whose neighbour had his head crushed when his home collapsed.
The death toll is expected to rise in the coming days with many jerks still being unaccounted for amongst the rubble.
“I’m still on a plane so I can’t give you exact details but I expect the damage to be quite devastating across the community. Earthquakes cause a lot of damage and 
cause buildings to fall. When people are inside them they often perish due to falling timbers and other materials so there’s likely to be quite a large mess awaiting me,” said Scrape TV South Asian Field correspondent Arturo Lam. “It’s good to hear that a lot of the people who died weren’t very well liked. So often in these disasters young children and mothers are left dead but it seems that whatever power might have been watching this time around fought for the good guys. When I get in to see the damage I’ll make sure to do some in-depth interviewing and find out just how bad some of these people were.”
Most of the people helping out in the recovery are believed to be pleasant people. Most surviving jerks are still sitting at home uninterested in helping.
Emil Uliya, International Correspondent
NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > INDONESIAN EARTHQUAKE KILLS MOSTLY JERKS
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