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Lauren Hebert
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HEADLINES
FROM THE PAGES OF THE LARUE LISTENER

U.S. FORCES FINALLY START KILLING ALL BAD GUYS IN SYRIA

PENTAGON SURE SOUNDING A LITTLE SCARED OF ISLAMIC STATE AND ALL THEY DO

ISRAEL GOES AHEAD WITH GAZA CEASEFIRE, KINDA

ISRAEL GIVES A LITTLE BIT OF WARNING BEFORE DESTROYING APARTMENT BUILDING AND OTHER STUFF

IRAQ MANAGES TO HALT IS ADVANCES IN ONE, LONE TOWN AND IS VERY HAPPY ABOUT IT
PROTESTERS IN HONG KONG STILL THINK THEY CAN GET DEMOCRACY FROM CHINA
RESCUERS NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR JAPANESE VOLCANO NO MATTER HOW MANY BODIES ARE LEFT
THE NEW GUY IN AFGHANISTAN WASTES NO TIME IN SIGNING COUNTRY OVER TO THE AMERICANS
OBAMA ADMITS THE ISIL IS WAY TOUGHER THAN HE THOUGHT THEY COULD BE
DENZEL WASHINGTON EQUALIZES THE BOX OFFICE
GEORGE CLOONEY FINALLY MAKES AN HONEST WOMAN OF SOMEONE
AL-NUSRA FRONT THREATENS TO DO BAD THINGS TO PEOPLE BUT ONLY BECAUSE OF AIR STRIKES
SURPRISE VOLCANO DOES END UP KILLING PEOPLE IN JAPAN
HONG KONG DEMOCRACY PROTESTS TURN VIOLENT WHICH ALWAYS HAPPENS WITH CHINA


LIFE SUPPORT DIVIDED AS TO WHETHER OR NOT TO MAINTAIN JOAN RIVERS MUCH LONGER
MILLIONS OF KIDS RELIEVED TO BE SENDING THEIR PARENTS BACK TO WORK
ISIL AGREES TO PEACE TALKS ONLY WITH PRESENCE OF 90’S HITMAKERS MR. BIG
EMMY PARTY ENDS WITH RITUAL SACRIFICE OF LOSERS FROM MULTIPLE CATEGORIES
POSITIVE RESPONSE TO NEW DOCTOR WHO PROMPTS PETER CAPALDI TO GET INTO SNORTING COKE
ISRAEL ADMITS PEACE TALKS BROKE DOWN IN PART BECAUSE SOMEONE REFUSED TO SHOWER
MILWAUKEE MAN SURE SITTING AT BURGER KING AT TWO IN THE MORNING NOT GOING TO RESOLVE GAZA CRISIS

TOP STORIES


Politics U.S.A. Everyone Else

THE U.S. ON THE VERGE OF DEBT DEFAULT YET AGAIN, IT NEVER CHANGES WITH THEM

OBAMACARE TO REDUCE U.S. WORKFORCE PROBABLY BECAUSE IT WILL KILL PEOPLE


Health Science Business

POPE FRANCIS SAYS NO ONE HAS DONE MORE TO STOP WIDESPREAD CHILD ABUSE IT HAS CAUSED THAN THE CHURCH

POPE FRANCIS ASKS FOR FORGIVENESS FOR ALL THAT SEXUAL ABUSE AND FORGIVENESS ALWAYS WORKS IN THE REAL WORLD


Technology Sports Video Games

DONALD STERLING NOW GOING TO TRY TO FIGHT SALE OF CLIPPERS, TODAY AT LEAST

FORMER NFL PLAYERS SUE LEAGUE BECAUSE THEY CHOSE TO USE DRUGS TO PLAY A LOT LONGER THAN THEY SHOULD HAVE


Entertainment Future Retractions

REVAMPED GUANTANAMO BAY STILL SEEKING OCCUPANTS

CLEVELAND VOLCANO SHOWS SIGNS OF IMMINENT ERUPTION

TAXPAYERS TO PAY FOR NEXT INSTALMENT OF THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS FRANCHISE