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HEADLINES
FROM THE PAGES OF THE LARUE LISTENER

ISRAEL ADMITS ROCKET ATTACKS MAKING PEACE TALKS A LITTLE DIFFICULT

PENTAGON SURE SOUNDING A LITTLE SCARED OF ISLAMIC STATE AND ALL THEY DO

ISRAEL GOES AHEAD WITH GAZA CEASEFIRE, KINDA

ISRAEL GIVES A LITTLE BIT OF WARNING BEFORE DESTROYING APARTMENT BUILDING AND OTHER STUFF

U.S. ONLY NOW USING SPY GEAR TO SPY ON ISLAMIC STATE INSIDE SYRIA
U.S. ANGRY ABOUT STRIKE ON LIBYA THAT DIDN’T INCLUDE THEM
BURGER KING AND TIM HORTONS TO MERGE AND BECOME MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE
HAMAS SAYS THEY HAVE LONG-TERM TRUCE WITH ISRAEL BUT ISRAEL SAYS NOTHING OF THE SORT
ABDULLAH ABDULLAH THREATENS TO WITHDRAW FROM ELECTION WHICH IS JUST FINE BY THE OTHER GUY
FRESH ISRAELI STRIKES HIT EXTREMELY DANGEROUS HIGH-RISE APARTMENT BUILDINGS IN GAZA
UKRAINIAN TROOPS CAPTURE RUSSIAN TROOPS WHO WERE NOT EVEN THERE AT ALL
UKRAINIAN FORCES TUSSLE WITH RUSSIAN FORCES BUT RUSSIA IS STILL NOT DOING ANYTHING OF COURSE
SYRIA WILLING TO CONSIDER ALLIANCE WITH THE WEST PROVIDED THEY STOP ALL THE HATIN’
HAMAS NOT WORRIED AT ALL ABOUT THREATS FROM BENJAMIN NETANYAHU WHICH ARE REALLY MORE THAN THREATS


EMMY PARTY ENDS WITH RITUAL SACRIFICE OF LOSERS FROM MULTIPLE CATEGORIES
POSITIVE RESPONSE TO NEW DOCTOR WHO PROMPTS PETER CAPALDI TO GET INTO SNORTING COKE
ISRAEL ADMITS PEACE TALKS BROKE DOWN IN PART BECAUSE SOMEONE REFUSED TO SHOWER
MILWAUKEE MAN SURE SITTING AT BURGER KING AT TWO IN THE MORNING NOT GOING TO RESOLVE GAZA CRISIS
DELAWARE TEEN DECIDES THIS YEAR WILL BE THE YEAR HE BECOMES COOL OR SHOOTS THE SCHOOL UP
IOWA MAN SPENDS NIGHT RESEARCHING CONFLICT IN CENTRAL AFRICAN REPUBLIC IN EFFORT TO IMPRESS CO-WORKERS AT LUNCH
HILLARY CLINTON PRESIDENCY BID MAY RELY ON SUCCESS OF FAILURE OR NEW YOUNG ADULT NOVEL

TOP STORIES


Politics U.S.A. Everyone Else

THE U.S. ON THE VERGE OF DEBT DEFAULT YET AGAIN, IT NEVER CHANGES WITH THEM

OBAMACARE TO REDUCE U.S. WORKFORCE PROBABLY BECAUSE IT WILL KILL PEOPLE


Health Science Business

POPE FRANCIS SAYS NO ONE HAS DONE MORE TO STOP WIDESPREAD CHILD ABUSE IT HAS CAUSED THAN THE CHURCH

POPE FRANCIS ASKS FOR FORGIVENESS FOR ALL THAT SEXUAL ABUSE AND FORGIVENESS ALWAYS WORKS IN THE REAL WORLD


Technology Sports Video Games

DONALD STERLING NOW GOING TO TRY TO FIGHT SALE OF CLIPPERS, TODAY AT LEAST

FORMER NFL PLAYERS SUE LEAGUE BECAUSE THEY CHOSE TO USE DRUGS TO PLAY A LOT LONGER THAN THEY SHOULD HAVE


Entertainment Future Retractions

REVAMPED GUANTANAMO BAY STILL SEEKING OCCUPANTS

CLEVELAND VOLCANO SHOWS SIGNS OF IMMINENT ERUPTION

TAXPAYERS TO PAY FOR NEXT INSTALMENT OF THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS FRANCHISE