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Business
William Ashford
Health
Lauren Hebert
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Mike Michaels
Everyone Else
Emil Uliya
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Sports
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HEADLINES
FROM THE PAGES OF THE LARUE LISTENER

U.S. FORCES FINALLY START KILLING ALL BAD GUYS IN SYRIA

PENTAGON SURE SOUNDING A LITTLE SCARED OF ISLAMIC STATE AND ALL THEY DO

ISRAEL GOES AHEAD WITH GAZA CEASEFIRE, KINDA

ISRAEL GIVES A LITTLE BIT OF WARNING BEFORE DESTROYING APARTMENT BUILDING AND OTHER STUFF

OBAMA NOT GOING TO EVEN BOTHER WITH THIS MIDDLE EAST PEACE THING ANYMORE
HUNDREDS OF NIGERIAN CHILDREN MISSING, THOUGH EVERYONE KNOWS WHERE THEY ARE, REALLY
CANADA TO EXPAND ISIS STRIKES WHICH SHOULD SCARE THEM A WHOLE LOT
RESCUERS AREN’T EVEN GOING TO PRETEND THERE ARE SURVIVORS OF GERMANWINGS CRASH
THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL DECIDE THEY STILL HATE NETANYAHU LESS THAN EVERYONE ELSE
AARON SCHOCK DECIDES HE NO LONGER NEEDS TO SPEND TAXPAYERS MONEY ON FRIVOLOUS THINGS
FAMILY OF MARVIN GAYE GETS WHAT THEY WANTED, MONEY, LOTS OF IT
FANS WANT JEREMY CLARKSON BACK NO MATTER WHAT HE DID TO ANYONE
RUSSIANS MAY HAVE FORCED NEMTSOV MURDER CONVICTION BECAUSE IT’S JUST EASIER THAT WAY
OBAMA FAR LESS IMPRESSED WITH NETANYAHU’S IRAN SPEECH THAN NETANYAHU IS


PACKERS REQUEST TWO-HAND TOUCH RULES FOR QUARTERBACK RODGERS FOLLOWING HAMSTRING INJURY
LIFE SUPPORT DIVIDED AS TO WHETHER OR NOT TO MAINTAIN JOAN RIVERS MUCH LONGER
MILLIONS OF KIDS RELIEVED TO BE SENDING THEIR PARENTS BACK TO WORK
ISIL AGREES TO PEACE TALKS ONLY WITH PRESENCE OF 90’S HITMAKERS MR. BIG
EMMY PARTY ENDS WITH RITUAL SACRIFICE OF LOSERS FROM MULTIPLE CATEGORIES
POSITIVE RESPONSE TO NEW DOCTOR WHO PROMPTS PETER CAPALDI TO GET INTO SNORTING COKE
ISRAEL ADMITS PEACE TALKS BROKE DOWN IN PART BECAUSE SOMEONE REFUSED TO SHOWER

TOP STORIES


Politics U.S.A. Everyone Else

THE U.S. ON THE VERGE OF DEBT DEFAULT YET AGAIN, IT NEVER CHANGES WITH THEM

OBAMACARE TO REDUCE U.S. WORKFORCE PROBABLY BECAUSE IT WILL KILL PEOPLE


Health Science Business

POPE FRANCIS SAYS NO ONE HAS DONE MORE TO STOP WIDESPREAD CHILD ABUSE IT HAS CAUSED THAN THE CHURCH

POPE FRANCIS ASKS FOR FORGIVENESS FOR ALL THAT SEXUAL ABUSE AND FORGIVENESS ALWAYS WORKS IN THE REAL WORLD


Technology Sports Video Games

DONALD STERLING NOW GOING TO TRY TO FIGHT SALE OF CLIPPERS, TODAY AT LEAST

FORMER NFL PLAYERS SUE LEAGUE BECAUSE THEY CHOSE TO USE DRUGS TO PLAY A LOT LONGER THAN THEY SHOULD HAVE


Entertainment Future Retractions

REVAMPED GUANTANAMO BAY STILL SEEKING OCCUPANTS

CLEVELAND VOLCANO SHOWS SIGNS OF IMMINENT ERUPTION

TAXPAYERS TO PAY FOR NEXT INSTALMENT OF THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS FRANCHISE