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William Ashford
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Lauren Hebert
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HEADLINES
FROM THE PAGES OF THE LARUE LISTENER

PALESTINE PRESIDENT WARNS ISRAEL THAT FAILURE OF PEACE TALKS MAY RESULT IN LACK OF PEACE

UKRAINE ENDS EASTER TRUCE IN PRETTY MUCH THE MOST DECISIVE WAY POSSIBLE

THE U.S. TO MAYBE DO SOMETHING OR THE OTHER TO HELP UKRAINE WITH RUSSIA SO THEY BETTER WATCH OUT

KIEV GETS SUPPORT FROM JOE BIDEN AND THAT SHOULD REALLY BE ENOUGH FOR ANYONE

CHRIS BROWN TO BE KEPT IN JAIL AND SAFE FROM HIMSELF UNTIL AT LEAST JUNE
OLIVIA WILDE POPS OUT THAT BABY BUT IT WILL STILL BE AWHILE BEFORE SHE IS READY AGAIN
JODIE FOSTER GETS MARRIED TO A GIRL OF ALL THINGS
F1 BOSS ECCLESTONE DENIES BRIBERY DURING TRIAL WHICH WAS TO BE EXPECTED
UKRAINE KILLS A COUPLE BAD GUYS AND RUSSIA IS NOT HAPPY AT ALL ABOUT IT
SOUTH SUDANESE REBELS SAY THEY ARE CLOSE TO OIL FIELDS LIKE THAT IS A SOURCE OF PRIDE OR SOMETHING
TURKISH PRIME MINISTER COMES AS CLOSE TO ADMITTING ARMENIAN GENOCIDE AS HE IS LIKELY TO EVER GET
OBAMA PLEDGES ALL THE SUPPORT IN THE WORLD FOR JAPAN OVER SILLY LITTLE ISLAND DISPUTE
THE WHITE HOUSE SURE DOESN’T LIKE SLAUGHTER IN SOUTH SUDAN SO TAKE THAT GUYS
THE U.S. STILL NOT REALLY ALL THAT SURE ABOUT WHAT TO DO ABOUT SYRIA’S CHLORINE GAS AND STUFF


MALAYSIAN AIRLINES MARKS 46 STRAIGHT DAYS WITHOUT COMPLETELY LOSING AN AIRPLANE
PUTIN THREATENS TO SUSPEND ANGEL FOOD CAKE SHIPMENTS TO UKRAINE IF RUSSIAN INTERESTS THREATENED
MCDONALDS BETTING ON GREASE SMOOTHIE WILL HELP BOLSTER SHRINKING U.S. SALES
VERSION OF BOSTON MARATHON IN ALTERNATE DIMENSION PROCEEDS WITH BASICALLY NO TENSION AT ALL
AFTER THIRD DAY, OHIO FAMILY DECIDES GOLDIE THE FISH IS NOT GOING TO BE RESURRECTED AFTER ALL
KNICKS TO DECIDE BY NEXT WEEK WHETHER OR NOT THEY WILL STICK A PUMP INTO MIKE WOODSON TO SEE IF HE WILL BURST
POPE FRANCIS BREAKS ANOTHER RULE BY WEARING YANKEES CAP TO WASH FEET OF THE DISABLED

TOP STORIES


Politics U.S.A. Everyone Else

THE U.S. ON THE VERGE OF DEBT DEFAULT YET AGAIN, IT NEVER CHANGES WITH THEM

OBAMACARE TO REDUCE U.S. WORKFORCE PROBABLY BECAUSE IT WILL KILL PEOPLE


Health Science Business

POPE FRANCIS SAYS NO ONE HAS DONE MORE TO STOP WIDESPREAD CHILD ABUSE IT HAS CAUSED THAN THE CHURCH

POPE FRANCIS ASKS FOR FORGIVENESS FOR ALL THAT SEXUAL ABUSE AND FORGIVENESS ALWAYS WORKS IN THE REAL WORLD


Technology Sports Video Games

SOCHI OLYMPICS END WITHOUT A SINGLE PERSON BEING BLOWN UP

SOCHI OLYMPICS GETS THROUGH OPENING CEREMONY WITHOUT ANYTHING BLOWING UP


Entertainment Future Retractions

REVAMPED GUANTANAMO BAY STILL SEEKING OCCUPANTS

CLEVELAND VOLCANO SHOWS SIGNS OF IMMINENT ERUPTION

TAXPAYERS TO PAY FOR NEXT INSTALMENT OF THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS FRANCHISE