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SCRAPE TV NEWS STAFF

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Dave Dalkin
Business
William Ashford
Health
Lauren Hebert
U.S.A.
Mike Michaels
Everyone Else
Emil Uliya
Science
Anna Phillips
Sports
Alexi Orton
Videogames
Douglas Havermore
Politics
Edward Bastil
Entertainment
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Technology
Martin Philton


 

 


 

 

 

HEADLINES
FROM THE PAGES OF THE LARUE LISTENER

DUTCH EXPERTS EXAMINE MH17 CRASH VICTIMS TO DISCOVER EXACTLY WHAT THEY THOUGHT

UN WAITS UNTIL GAZA OFFENSIVE KILLS 500 BEFORE CALLING FOR CEASEFIRE

UN SAYS ISRAEL MAY HAVE COMMITTED WAR CRIMES IN GAZA BUT OF COURSE WILL NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT

UKRAINIAN REBELS READY TO ALLOW ACCESS TO SITE OF MH17 CRASH THEY PROBABLY CAUSED

COSTA CONCORDIA TOWED AWAY FOR SCRAP SO WE NEVER NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THAT THING AGAIN
CHINA DECIDES TO JUST BLOCK OFF A CITY RATHER THAN ALLOW BUBONIC PLAGUE TO GO FREE
ISRAEL RESPONDS TO TRUCE EFFORTS WITH EVEN MORE ATTACKS
NOW A TAIWANESE JET HAS CRASHED AND KILLED LOTS OF PEOPLE
BRONCOS OWNER STEPS DOWN BECAUSE HE IS JUST LOSING IT
DONALD STERLING SUES AGAIN BECAUSE WHATEVER MAN
THE GUY IN CHARGE OF STOPPING EBOLA IN SIERRA LEONE NOW HAS EBOLA HIMSELF
TONY DUNGY SAYS HE NEVER WOULD HAVE DRAFTED MICHAEL SAM BECAUSE HE IS GAY AND STUFF
DONALD STERLING MEETS STEVE BALLMER AND PROBABLY ASKS HIM FOR MORE MONEY
CAVALIERS GOING TO SIGN ANDREW WIGGINS THIS WEEK AND THEN TRADE HIM, OR NOT TRADE HIM, OR SOMETHING


BENJAMIN NETANYAHU ADMITS THAT HE JUST CAN’T GET ATTACK BUTTON UNSTUCK
BIDEN FLIES TO FINLAND TO NEGOTIATE TRUCE WITH SEPARATISTS AFTER RECEIVING OMINOUS EMAIL
DUTCH EXPERTS HALT MH17 INVESTIGATION AFTER EXPERT MISPLACES HIS PHONE
UKRAINIAN REBELS ASK EVERYONE TO CLOSE THEIR EYES AND WISH REALLY HARD THAT DOWNED MALAYSIAN PLANE NEVER HAPPENED
MINNESOTA MAN REALISES TOO LATE HE HAS MORE TACO SHELLS THAN HE HAS MEAT
MICHIGAN A&W RESTAURANT EMPLOYEE FINALLY QUITS AFTER FINDING TERRIBLE MESS IN WASHROOM
REPORTS INDICATE JOHN BOEHNER FINDING HIMSELF LOST IN HIS MIRROR MORE AND MORE THESE DAYS

TOP STORIES


Politics U.S.A. Everyone Else

THE U.S. ON THE VERGE OF DEBT DEFAULT YET AGAIN, IT NEVER CHANGES WITH THEM

OBAMACARE TO REDUCE U.S. WORKFORCE PROBABLY BECAUSE IT WILL KILL PEOPLE


Health Science Business

POPE FRANCIS SAYS NO ONE HAS DONE MORE TO STOP WIDESPREAD CHILD ABUSE IT HAS CAUSED THAN THE CHURCH

POPE FRANCIS ASKS FOR FORGIVENESS FOR ALL THAT SEXUAL ABUSE AND FORGIVENESS ALWAYS WORKS IN THE REAL WORLD


Technology Sports Video Games

DONALD STERLING NOW GOING TO TRY TO FIGHT SALE OF CLIPPERS, TODAY AT LEAST

FORMER NFL PLAYERS SUE LEAGUE BECAUSE THEY CHOSE TO USE DRUGS TO PLAY A LOT LONGER THAN THEY SHOULD HAVE


Entertainment Future Retractions

REVAMPED GUANTANAMO BAY STILL SEEKING OCCUPANTS

CLEVELAND VOLCANO SHOWS SIGNS OF IMMINENT ERUPTION

TAXPAYERS TO PAY FOR NEXT INSTALMENT OF THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS FRANCHISE