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Dave Dalkin
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William Ashford
Health
Lauren Hebert
U.S.A.
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Everyone Else
Emil Uliya
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Alexi Orton
Videogames
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Politics
Edward Bastil
Entertainment
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Technology
Martin Philton

HEADLINES
FROM THE PAGES OF THE LARUE LISTENER

MARK ZUCKERBERG HACKING INTO EVERYONE’S EMAILS	REPORT FINDS ONE THIRD OF WOMEN IN US MILITARY GO UNRAPED
LENIN UNHURT AFTER ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT	ALERT FOR NATION OF GEORGIA

TOP STORIES

Politics	U.S.A.	Everyone Else
POLL FINDS EIGHTY PERCENT OF SERIAL KILLERS VOTE REPUBLICAN	ROGUE PLANE ATTACKS AND KILLS JOGGER ON SOUTH CAROLINA BEACH	INSIDER INSINUATES THAT NORTH KOREAN GOVERNMENT MAY BE CORRUPT

Health	Science	Business
JENNY MCCARTHY’S SON SUDDENLY FREE OF AUTISM, MOTHER STILL RETARDED	RARE TASMANIAN DEVIL COLONY BELIEVED TO BE IMMORTAL	INHALANT INDUSTRY MAKES INROADS WITH 12 YEAR OLDS

Technology	Sports	Video Games
APPLE IPAD TO CURE CANCER, END WORLD HUNGER	DAVID BECKHAM’S FACE UNAFFECTED BY DEVASTATING INJURY	SONY ANNOUNCES NEW POINTY STICK THINGY FOR PS3

Entertainment	Future	Retractions
COREY HAIM UNLIKELY TO MOUNT COMEBACK AFTER DEATH	REVAMPED GUANTANAMO BAY STILL SEEKING OCCUPANTS	EX-PANTHER SAYS RACISM PUT HIM ON DEATH ROW

LA EARTHQUAKE A PRECURSOR TO THE BIG ONE

SOUTH CAROLINA POLICE ON ALERT FOR ZOMBIE JAMES BROWN

OFFICIALS FEAR POTENTIAL VIKING INVASION AHEAD OF 2012 OLYMPIC GAMES

COURT OF APPEALS GIVES THE UNDEAD THE RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH

MILLIONS OF CONDOMS LIKELY WON’T BE USED AT WORLD CUP

MIKE HUCKABEE COMES OUT IN DEFENCE OF CANNIBALISM

NEW YORK CABBIE OVERCHARGES PASSENGER BY MILLIONS

SAM RAIMI READY TO START SERIES OF DELAYS ON WARCRAFT MOVIE

DMX FINALLY BREAKS OUT OF ARREST SLUMP

ISRAELI POLICE MAKING EFFORT TO ARREST CHILDREN PROPERLY

VATICAN TO CLOSE CHURCH BROTHELS

ETHNIC VIOLENCE IN NIGERIA LEAVES HUNDREDS OF NIGERIANS DEAD

FACING RAPE ACCUSATIONS, BEN ROETHLISBERGER LEAVES TOWN FOR GREENER PASTURES

APPLE TO STOP EMPLOYING TODDLERS AT PRODUCTION FACILITIES

NASA TO LAUNCH BOUNCY CASTLES, SLIP ‘N SLIDE INTO NEAR ORBIT

GABOUREY SIDIBE READY TO EXPLODE AFTER OSCAR CELEBRATIONS

HEIDI MONTAG AND SPENCER PRATT CONSIDERING FUSION SURGERY

IRAQI ELECTIONS START OFF WITH A BANG

MEDVEDEV BEGINS PURGE AFTER PITIFUL OLYMPICS

GRIZZLY BEARS INVADING CANADA’S CAPITAL

ZOMBIE WOOLY MAMMOTHS STALKING NORTHERN SIBERIA

700 DEAD, 2 MILLION COMPLAINING AFTER CHILEAN QUAKE

CHINA, RUSSIA OPPOSING PLANS FOR ASTEROID DEFENCE AGENCY