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HEADLINES
FROM THE PAGES OF THE LARUE LISTENER

INVESTIGATORS SAY FOR REALLY NO GOOD REASON AT ALL THAT MADELEINE MCCANN MAY STILL BE ALIVE

REPUBLICANS HAVE NO PROBLEM LETTING TED CRUZ RUN FOR PRESIDENT NO MATTER WHERE HE WAS BORN

SYRIAN ARMY STORMS REBEL STRONGHOLD IN INITIATIVE THAT PROBABLY WON’T CHANGE ANYTHING

FRANCE SOMEHOW COLLECTS MORE MONEY IN TAXES THAN EXISTS IN THE COUNTRY

JOHN KERRY URGES NIGERIAN RESTRAINT IN BOKO HARAM BATTLE WHICH IS EASY FOR HIM TO SAY

SYRIAN REFUGEES STARTING TO GET A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL THE UN ADMITS
NEWS BRIEFS
STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS REALLY DOESN’T DO THAT WELL AT BOX OFFICE EXCEPT WITH NERDS
CHRIS BROWN TURNS TO POLICE INSTEAD OF HIS FISTS FOR HELP WITH DEATH THREAT
GOOGLE DEFENDS TAX EVASION TECHNIQUES BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DO
NORTH KOREA SHOOTS EVEN MORE MISSILES LIKE THE TOUGH GUYS THEY ARE
DENMARK WINS EUROVISION CONTEST IN THING THAT SEEMS IMPORTANT TO EUROPEANS
KNICKS LOSE BUT AT LEAST SHOW UP TO PLAY GAME SIX
DAVID BECKHAM CRIES LIKE HE WAS HIS WIFE DURING FINAL GAME
POWERBALL WINNER JUST ABOUT READY TO HAVE HIS OR HER LIFE RUINED COMPLETELY
THOUSANDS IN ITALY RALLY TO PROTEST CUTS AND AVOID WORK
NORTH KOREA FIRES SHORT- RANGE MISSILES WHICH ISN’T NEARLY AS IMPRESSIVE AS THE BIG ONES

TO THE POINT
OBAMA STILL USING BENGHAZI TO COVER UP FOLLOWING JUSTIN BIEBER ON WORLD TOUR
CHICAGO MAN SEVERELY DISAPPOINTED IN IRS AS SCANDAL CONTINUES TO UNFOLD
MICROSOFT WARNS PEOPLE TO NOT GET TOO EXCITED ABOUT NEW SYSTEM BECAUSE IT WILL TO SUCK FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS AT LEAST
DOZENS INJURED IN NEW YORK AFTER TWO TRAINS DECIDE THERE JUST ISN’T A POINT TO LIFE ANYMORE
MILLIONS ACROSS FRANCE ABANDON THEIR SPOUSES AS COUNTRY TRANSITIONS TO ALL-GAY MARRIAGE
MASSIVE DARK ASTEROID STILL UNDECIDED AS TO WHETHER OR NOT IT WILL SLAM INTO EARTH LATER THIS MONTH
IRS JUST HOPING THAT CURRENT SCANDAL DOESN’T HURT THEIR REPUTATION WITH ORDINARY AMERICANS

TOP STORIES


Politics U.S.A. Everyone Else

OBAMA FORCES THE HEAD OF THE IRS TO QUIT BECAUSE SOMEONE HAD TO GO DOWN OVER SCANDAL

REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE WHO NO ONE HAS HEARD OF WILLING TO IMPEACH OBAMA OVER BENGHAZI

EVERYONE BUT THE PEOPLE WHO COULD CAUSE TROUBLE KNEW ABOUT IRS TARGETING MONTHS AGO

ERIC HOLDER PROBABLY GOING TO BLAME SOMEONE ELSE FOR COLLECTING PRIVATE INFORMATION ON REPORTERS

NIGERIA BEGINS RAIDS ON BOKO HARAM CAMPS WHICH WON’T REALLY ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING

RUSSIA SENDS MODERN WEAPONS TO SYRIA TO FINALLY FINISH THIS STUPID WAR

Health Science Business

POPE FRANCIS MAKES EVERYONE WHO COULD BE A SAINT A SAINT

TOM BROKAW MAKES A BIG DEAL OUT OF WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER LIKE IT’S A THING THAT MATTERS

Technology Sports Video Games

EVERYONE WORRIED THAT PEOPLE ARE GETTING SICK OF FACEBOOK AND THAT THE COMPANY IS DOOMED, AGAIN

WEB HIT BY BIGGEST EVER ATTACK BY A BUNCH OF NERDS AND LOSERS

FIRST GAY NBA PLAYER COMES OUT AND IT’S NO ONE ANYONE HAD HEARD OF

NHL LEADING THE CHARGE IN TRYING TO OUT THE FIRST GAY PLAYER IN PROFESSIONAL SPORTS

Entertainment Future Retractions

SOMEONE STEALS ALL THE JEWELS IN CANNES FROM THE POOREST RICH PEOPLE IN THE WORLD

ANGELINA JOLIE HAS BOTH BREASTS REMOVED TO PREVENT CANCER, AND LOSE A COUPLE MORE POUNDS

REVAMPED GUANTANAMO BAY STILL SEEKING OCCUPANTS

CLEVELAND VOLCANO SHOWS SIGNS OF IMMINENT ERUPTION

TAXPAYERS TO PAY FOR NEXT INSTALMENT OF THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS FRANCHISE