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HEADLINES
FROM THE PAGES OF THE LARUE LISTENER

RUSSIA SAYS UKRAINE IS ON BRINK OF CIVIL WAR WHICH IS JUST FINE BY THEM

RUSSIA TELLS UKRAINE TO AVOID FORCE IN EAST BECAUSE THEY HAVE PEOPLE THERE AND STUFF

OFFICIALS SENDING ROBOTS TO DO WHAT MEN COULDN’T FINDING THAT MISSING PLANE

UKRAINE PRETTY MUCH READY TO TAKE ON SEPARATISTS AND ALL THEY DO

OBAMA AND PUTIN SPEAK FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS BUT DON’T MANAGE TO SOLVE ALL THE WORLD’S PROBLEMS
OSCAR PISTORIUS STILL INSISTING HE IS VERY SAD HE SHOT HIS GIRLFRIEND WHILE SHE WAS ON THE TOILET BECAUSE HE THOUGHT SHE WAS AN INTRUDER, HE SWEARS
SILVIO BERLUSCONI ORDERED TO DO COMMUNITY SERVICE WHICH HE WILL PROBABLY NEVER ACTUALLY DO
MICHAEL PHELPS TO UNRETIRE SO HE CAN WIN MORE MEDALS WHICH IS HARDLY FAIR REALLY
TURNS OUT THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR DIED OF BROKEN HEART AFTER ALL
AARON HERNANDEZ APPARENTLY THREATENED TO KILL JAIL GUARD AND THAT GUY WOULD PROBABLY DO IT
YANKEES MANAGER MAKES IT CLEAR HE CAN BENCH ANYONE HE DAMN WELL PLEASES, EVEN DEREK JETER
BUBBA WATSON WINS MASTERS BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE WAS BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE
ALDON SMITH PROBABLY REALLY REGRETTING NOT HAVING A BOMB AT THE AIRPORT AFTER BEING ARRESTED FOR SAYING HE DID
ONCE AGAIN, PROSECUTORS ACCUSE OSCAR PISTORIUS OF LYING TO AVOID LIFE IN PRISON FOR MURDER


COOL PARENTS HOPING SON HAS GREAT TIME AND MAYBE MEETS A CELEBRITY OR TWO AT COACHELLA
DELAWARE MAN SURE HE SAW MICHAEL KEATON AT LOCAL TARGET
FAMILY DOES A QUICK CHECK TO MAKE SURE COREY HAIM STILL DEAD
PUTIN AGREES TO STEP BACK ON UKRAINE IF TINA TURNER AGREES TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT
HOUSTON ASTROS READY TO TRY FREE EVERYTHING DAY TO BOOST ATTENDANCE
UNIVERSAL PICTURES READY TO TURN SCREENWRITING OVER TO COMPUTER ALGORITHMS
ALONZO MOURNING TO CARRY MUGGSY BOGUES IN HIS PANTS DURING HALL OF FAME INDUCTION CEREMONY

TOP STORIES


Politics U.S.A. Everyone Else

THE U.S. ON THE VERGE OF DEBT DEFAULT YET AGAIN, IT NEVER CHANGES WITH THEM

OBAMACARE TO REDUCE U.S. WORKFORCE PROBABLY BECAUSE IT WILL KILL PEOPLE


Health Science Business

POPE FRANCIS SAYS NO ONE HAS DONE MORE TO STOP WIDESPREAD CHILD ABUSE IT HAS CAUSED THAN THE CHURCH

POPE FRANCIS ASKS FOR FORGIVENESS FOR ALL THAT SEXUAL ABUSE AND FORGIVENESS ALWAYS WORKS IN THE REAL WORLD


Technology Sports Video Games

SOCHI OLYMPICS END WITHOUT A SINGLE PERSON BEING BLOWN UP

SOCHI OLYMPICS GETS THROUGH OPENING CEREMONY WITHOUT ANYTHING BLOWING UP


Entertainment Future Retractions

REVAMPED GUANTANAMO BAY STILL SEEKING OCCUPANTS

CLEVELAND VOLCANO SHOWS SIGNS OF IMMINENT ERUPTION

TAXPAYERS TO PAY FOR NEXT INSTALMENT OF THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS FRANCHISE