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Business
William Ashford
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Lauren Hebert
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Mike Michaels
Everyone Else
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HEADLINES
FROM THE PAGES OF THE LARUE LISTENER

U.S. FORCES FINALLY START KILLING ALL BAD GUYS IN SYRIA

PENTAGON SURE SOUNDING A LITTLE SCARED OF ISLAMIC STATE AND ALL THEY DO

ISRAEL GOES AHEAD WITH GAZA CEASEFIRE, KINDA

ISRAEL GIVES A LITTLE BIT OF WARNING BEFORE DESTROYING APARTMENT BUILDING AND OTHER STUFF

JIHADI JOHN FINALLY NAMED BUT YOU PROBABLY DON’T KNOW HIM
UKRAINE STARTS HEAVY WEAPONS WITHDRAWAL LIKE THEY ARE PUSSIES OR SOMETHING
APPARENTLY NETANYAHU JUST HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE’S TALKING ABOUT WITH IRANIAN NUCLEAR PROGRAM
MADONNA FALLS OFF STAGE AT AWARDS SHOW AND DOESN’T BREAK A HIP THIS TIME
BRIAN WILLIAMS TO TAKE SOME TIME OFF TO THINK OF NEW STORIES
JON STEWART DITCHING THE DAILY SHOW AFTER A MERE 16 YEARS
SONY FINALLY COMES TO THE REALISATION THAT THEY JUST CAN’T MAKE GOOD SPIDER-MAN MOVIES
BRIAN WILLIAMS STEPS DOWN AMID CONTROVERSY AND WILL COMBAT ISIS AND TRAVEL TO MARS DURING TIME OFF
BRUCE JENNER KILLS WOMAN WITH CAR IN EFFORT TO STEAL HER FEMININITY
IRANIAN LEADER WILLING TO ACCEPT JUST ABOUT ANY NUCLEAR DEAL NOW


PACKERS REQUEST TWO-HAND TOUCH RULES FOR QUARTERBACK RODGERS FOLLOWING HAMSTRING INJURY
LIFE SUPPORT DIVIDED AS TO WHETHER OR NOT TO MAINTAIN JOAN RIVERS MUCH LONGER
MILLIONS OF KIDS RELIEVED TO BE SENDING THEIR PARENTS BACK TO WORK
ISIL AGREES TO PEACE TALKS ONLY WITH PRESENCE OF 90’S HITMAKERS MR. BIG
EMMY PARTY ENDS WITH RITUAL SACRIFICE OF LOSERS FROM MULTIPLE CATEGORIES
POSITIVE RESPONSE TO NEW DOCTOR WHO PROMPTS PETER CAPALDI TO GET INTO SNORTING COKE
ISRAEL ADMITS PEACE TALKS BROKE DOWN IN PART BECAUSE SOMEONE REFUSED TO SHOWER

TOP STORIES


Politics U.S.A. Everyone Else

THE U.S. ON THE VERGE OF DEBT DEFAULT YET AGAIN, IT NEVER CHANGES WITH THEM

OBAMACARE TO REDUCE U.S. WORKFORCE PROBABLY BECAUSE IT WILL KILL PEOPLE


Health Science Business

POPE FRANCIS SAYS NO ONE HAS DONE MORE TO STOP WIDESPREAD CHILD ABUSE IT HAS CAUSED THAN THE CHURCH

POPE FRANCIS ASKS FOR FORGIVENESS FOR ALL THAT SEXUAL ABUSE AND FORGIVENESS ALWAYS WORKS IN THE REAL WORLD


Technology Sports Video Games

DONALD STERLING NOW GOING TO TRY TO FIGHT SALE OF CLIPPERS, TODAY AT LEAST

FORMER NFL PLAYERS SUE LEAGUE BECAUSE THEY CHOSE TO USE DRUGS TO PLAY A LOT LONGER THAN THEY SHOULD HAVE


Entertainment Future Retractions

REVAMPED GUANTANAMO BAY STILL SEEKING OCCUPANTS

CLEVELAND VOLCANO SHOWS SIGNS OF IMMINENT ERUPTION

TAXPAYERS TO PAY FOR NEXT INSTALMENT OF THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS FRANCHISE